Cheers! @cheers27402373 Twitter profile

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Cheers!

@cheers27402373

3 months

Having coworkers is like being in an arranged marriage.

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Cheers!

@cheers27402373

4 years

“Dad, what’s a coworker?” “Someone you block on social media.”

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@cheers27402373

5 months

I've never been to hell, but I once hung out with a newly engaged couple who called each other "Babe" every 5 goddamn minutes.

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@cheers27402373

4 months

Not to brag, but I wash my dishes while I’m cooking.

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@cheers27402373

2 months

Ordering a pizza with 3-4 people requires taking a Xanax.

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@cheers27402373

1 year

You haven’t lived until your 8 year old son pulls out a quarter from his pocket and says “Dad, can I buy the Aldi shopping cart this time?”

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I've never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I've never been to hell, but I once hung out with a newly engaged couple who called each other "Babe" every 5 minutes.

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@cheers27402373

5 months

Everyone calm down. It’s an Eclipse not an Apocalypse.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Having a beer fridge is like having a vacation home.

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@cheers27402373

2 months

It’s not you, it’s your lack of 80’s music on your playlist.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I enjoy long, romantic walks away from people who don't have a sense of humor.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Not to brag, but my 6 year old son just told me that I cook better than the lunch ladies at his school.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Dating in your 40’s is like shopping in the clearance section at T.J. Maxx.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Facebook is the grandma panties of social media.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

“Dad, what’s happy hour?” “When you and your brother go to bed.”

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Amazon just delivered my O.J. Simpson Halloween costume and the goddamn glove doesn’t fit.

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@cheers27402373

9 months

When you hit rock bottom, what’s next?

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Telling my 5 year old son it’s time to leave the park is like the bartender telling me it’s last call.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

After 40, ALL drugs should be legal.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

I’m “Depeche Mode, not dark mode” years old.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

NEVER trust anyone who doesn’t buy pizza and beer after helping them move.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

You haven’t lived until your twin brother forgets your bday.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

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@cheers27402373

3 months

After 50, all drugs should be legal.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

I’ve finally reached the age where I wanna go where everybody doesn’t know my fucking name.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Stop acting like a celebrity, it’s a goddamn free app.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

For Halloween, I’m handing out warm Diet Cokes.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

“Dad, what’s a divorce?” “It’s something married couples get before they kill each other.”

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Sometimes my 5 year old freaks out like he lost everything in the goddamn stock market.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!” -Me, as a Care Bear

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Strike First Strike Hard No Mercy -Me, playing Candy Land with my kids

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Not to brag, but I want to go to a place where nobody knows my goddamn name.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

You haven’t lived until you’ve retweeted someone who unfollowed you.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

NEVER trust anyone who doesn’t block their family members on social media.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I’m “Get to the fucking point” years old.

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@cheers27402373

2 months

I’ve never been to hell, but my son and I just mini golfed behind a goddamn family of 10.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

“Dad, do you talk to a therapist?” “No, I have a Twitter account.”

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@cheers27402373

3 years

We’re all just a bunch of Afterschool specials.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

You don’t get anywhere in life holding on to shitty friendships/relationships.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

“Dad, why don’t we go to church?” “There’s no WiFi.”

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I’d probably look on the bright side of things if my eyes weren’t so goddamn sensitive.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I had an awesome dream last, I dreamt my 11 year old daughter never showed me another goddamn Youtube video ever again.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

My Twitter account getting 4 retweets is like going fucking viral.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Not to brag, but I like you strangers more than my family members.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I like you, but not “Helps you untangle your Christmas lights” likes you.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Whenever I want to hear the sound of crickets I tweet something.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

You haven’t lived until you’ve cooked dinner for family members you blocked on Facebook.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Not to brag, but my last tweet got 1 like after an hour.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

My haiku poem about narcissists Me, Me, Me, Me, Me Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me Me, Me, Me, Me, Me

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Having a medical marijuana card is like having a Disney FastPass.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

My son’s first steps remind me of my 21st bday.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I've never been to hell, but I once attended a vegan wedding.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I've never been to an ugly sweater party, but I once grew up in the 80's.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I’d probably attend my high school reunion if I didn’t block everyone on Facebook.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I’ve never been to hell, but I once had to sit in a small room with a bunch of dance moms for 2 hours.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Dear 80’s, “I miss the great movies and awesome fucking music.”

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@cheers27402373

4 years

“Dad, what’s dementia?” “Who the fuck are you?”

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@cheers27402373

3 years

“Dad, what does down with O.P.P. mean?” “October Pumpkin Patches.”

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@cheers27402373

4 years

"Dad, what's conceal and carry?" "Hiding candy in your pockets when you go to the movie theatre."

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@cheers27402373

2 years

You haven’t lived until you’ve had 1008 views, 1 like, and 1 retweet.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Sometimes I wear a volunteer t-shirt I bought at a thrift shop out in public so people think I’m a nice guy.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

I’m getting a tattoo of my kid’s birthdates on my wrist so the pharmacy technician can’t stump me anymore.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I've never flushed money down the toilet, but I once bought my daughter souvenirs at "Disney on Ice."

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@cheers27402373

4 years

You know life is good when ramen noodles aren’t on your grocery list anymore.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

It seems like only yesterday I had 100 AOL Free Trial CDs in my goddamn junk drawer.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

NEVER trust anyone who doesn’t sneak their own beer onto the golf course.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Whenever I want to hear the sound of crickets, I tweet something.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

If I owned a gym, I would be closed on New Year’s Day just to piss off the New Year’s Resolutioners.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

NEVER trust anyone who takes selfies in front of 70’s wood paneling.

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@cheers27402373

19 days

Not to brag, but I’m smart and stupid.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I don’t know what’s worse; Driving a minivan or having a joint Facebook account.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I enjoy long, romantic walks by myself through a dispensary during a pandemic.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

“Dad, what’s a peasant?” “When you retweet a big account and they don’t acknowledge your existence.”

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@cheers27402373

3 years

I had an awesome fucking dream last night, I dreamt garbage trucks didn’t have squeaky ass brakes.

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@cheers27402373

1 year

Not to brag, but the only cash I carry is my Aldi shopping cart quarter.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Some of you ignore me like I have 8 numbers at the end of my username.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

Sorry I didn’t reply to your DM, but I don’t even speak to my family.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I've never had morning sickness, but I once took a multivitamin on an empty stomach.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

“FUCK EARTH DAY!” -Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Mercury, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto

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@cheers27402373

3 years

It seems like only yesterday my mom was breast feeding me while smoking a cigarette at the hospital.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

My followers ignore me like the Walmart greeter.

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@cheers27402373

3 months

Seductively peels the plastic film off of your tv dinner.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

I’m, “I miss 80’s music, and movies,”years old.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I wish there was Yelp reviews for my kid's friend's parents I haven't met yet.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

NEVER trust a funny human being who isn’t depressed.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

My kids are finally at the “Dad, fuck off” stage of their lives.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I love my kids, but not “Lets them beat me at miniature golf” loves my kids.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

You haven’t lived until you’ve gotten hammered at the VFW for only $20.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

My son’s snowman looks like he has an overactive bladder because our dog keeps pissing on him.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

I’m, “I just had to change my fucking text size on my iPhone” years old.

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@cheers27402373

2 months

You guys are the coolest therapists I’ve ever had.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I’m “I didn’t have WIFI in my blanket fort” years old

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@cheers27402373

10 days

I always feel like a 3rd class passenger on the Titanic when I retweet a big account.

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@cheers27402373

4 years

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who has his Twitter settings on sensitive.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

You haven’t lived until you’ve celebrated Thanksgiving with family members you blocked on social media.

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@cheers27402373

2 years

You haven’t lived until you’ve been alone.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

Taking my beagle for a walk is like taking a cokehead for a walk who just spilled their cocaine all over the grass.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

I enjoy long, romantic walks away from my 6 year old son’s friend’s parents at bday parties.

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@cheers27402373

3 years

I’m “Parachute pants, not skinny jeans” years old.

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