chuuch @ch000ch Twitter profile

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chuuch

11 years

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

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chuuch

@ch000ch

4 years

coffee prices are out of control

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@ch000ch

6 years

sorry i said big mood while you were having a severe allergic reaction to peanuts

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@ch000ch

2 years

absolutely I’m DTF Doing Terrible Financially

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@ch000ch

4 years

I'm a psychologist. I've administered this test (the MOCA) hundreds, if not thousands of times. Let me tell you, bragging about acing this test is the equivalent of bragging that you tied your own shoes this morning.

Aaron Rupar

@atrupar

4 years

"I took the [cognitive] test too, when I heard you passed it. It's not the hardest test. It shows a picture and it says, 'what's that,' and it's an elephant." -- Chris Wallace pushes back on Trump hyping the cognitive test he passed at Walter Reed

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@ch000ch

8 years

TRUMP: i grab women by the pussy A DOZEN WOMEN: yeah that's true he did it to me TRUMP: this is a global conspiracy

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@ch000ch

8 years

chipotle employee: white or brown rice frank underwood: (to camera) the rice is irrelevant. but for now i'll play his game.

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chuuch

@ch000ch

6 years

sorry can't come out tonight i gotta sit alone in front of a muted tv opening and closing the same 4 social media apps until 3am

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chuuch

@ch000ch

7 years

Me: hi Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

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chuuch

@ch000ch

9 years

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her

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chuuch

@ch000ch

8 years

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me] i am also free that day.

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chuuch

@ch000ch

6 years

My date: : Stop. Please stop saying that. i can't take it anymore. It doesn't even make sense Me: mood.

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@ch000ch

6 years

in just a few short decades there will be grandpas named Chad

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@ch000ch

5 years

a pink bullet traveling over 1000 feet per second passes through my prefrontal cortex, severs my corpus callosum, and exits through my occipital lobe, killing me instantly. Everyone cheers. It's a girl

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chuuch

@ch000ch

9 years

Romeo: check out this cat video Juliet: omg dead 😂 Juliet: hello Juliet: romeo Juliet: i didn't mean literally dead Juliet: romeo

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chuuch

@ch000ch

8 years

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate professor: i meant questions about the midterm

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chuuch

@ch000ch

7 years

(making out with my date) alexa play Jurassic Park soundtrack

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@ch000ch

7 years

every year the new sexiest man alive should have to fight last years sexiest man alive to the death in order to literally become the sexiest man alive

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chuuch

@ch000ch

10 years

me: i mean seriously guys, what idiot gets killed by an astroid crowd: [laughing] dinosaurs in crowd: wow fuck this guy

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chuuch

@ch000ch

8 years

i made a venn diagram

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@ch000ch

6 years

the opposite of Outback Steakhouse is Infront Fish Apartment. my wife left divorce papers on the counter this morning

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chuuch

@ch000ch

6 years

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that's like 3 inches further away than you thought

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@ch000ch

3 years

pronouncing patio like ratio just to piss myself off

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@ch000ch

10 years

me: [raises hand] my date: again, that's not necessary

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@ch000ch

10 years

yes hello 911, i just accidentally liked my ex's vacation pic from 2004

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@ch000ch

6 years

2013: omg hahaha a major brand's twitter account used the word bae 2018: the Wendy's twitter account just told me to go fuck myself.

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@ch000ch

7 years

my grandfather: i fought in 2 wars and raised 6 children me: i'm thinking about subscribing to Spotify but idk if i can do 9.99 a month

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@ch000ch

9 years

god: u gotta build a boat noah: can't u build ur own boat.. i mean, ur god god: [nervously] no i can i just wanna see if u know how

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chuuch

@ch000ch

5 years

due to personal reasons i will be selling skin care products to people from high school on facebook

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@ch000ch

6 years

check it out!! finally got my IHOP tattoo!! now to take a refreshing sip of water and check twitter

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@ch000ch

9 years

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says "prom?" was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

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@ch000ch

8 years

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse's life would literally be the same

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@ch000ch

7 years

your shitty indie band name = your favorite mythical creature + your deepest secret. mine is Giant Virgin

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@ch000ch

10 years

if you're feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

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@ch000ch

8 years

ah crap. wrong rally

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@ch000ch

6 years

if you don't then you love me ah crap is this even Lined up right fuck it whatever send

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@ch000ch

9 years

bae: come over me: i have a meeting in the morning bae: ok me: thank u for respecting my responsibilities

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@ch000ch

6 years

Date: are u on twitter Me: yea u Date: yeah what's ur @ Me: listen this isn't working out

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@ch000ch

8 years

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight? HER: no not yet!! i'm totally free and available ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

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@ch000ch

7 years

Me: if there are infinite parallel universes with infinite possible situations doesn't that mean theres one where there are no parallel universes? 19 year old chipotle employee: mild medium or hot man

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chuuch

@ch000ch

8 years

2006: lol our president says words funny 2017: hope i don't die bc the president subtweeted kim jong-un

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@ch000ch

7 years

push me to the edge

BenGould

@gouldbenjamin

12 years

Why do ducks like bread

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@ch000ch

6 years

here's my impression of a vlogger: W w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w wwwwhat's going on guys

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chuuch

@ch000ch

8 years

if u go to thanksgiving nude no one will talk about politics

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@ch000ch

6 years

ever go to text a friend but u see the last text was them asking u a question a month ago u never answered so u decide to make new friends

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@ch000ch

7 years

person being shot in the face: i wish u did not have a gun guy with a gun: please don't politicize this

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@ch000ch

7 years

2016: hell yea i'm the worst year ever 2017: hold my tiki torch

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@ch000ch

7 years

Merry Christmas to Shia Labeouf only

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chuuch

@ch000ch

7 years

imagine having to look at yourself in the mirror after disposing of your most basic moral instincts to vote for a pedophile and losing

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@ch000ch

6 years

waiter: have you decided me: yes, we'll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

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chuuch

@ch000ch

3 years

extra virgin olive oil?? no thank you.... i want the olives that have fucked

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@ch000ch

8 years

(stops in the middle of kissing) her: whats wrong, is it harambe again me: i should go.

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@ch000ch

6 years

therapist: good, good. now say it with confidence. me: NO DESSERT JUST THE CHECK PLEASE THANKS

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@ch000ch

8 years

just read an article that said highly sarcastic people die younger, which is just fucking great.

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@ch000ch

9 years

Cops and The Office theme feels kinda right tbh

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@ch000ch

10 years

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff's pool]

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@ch000ch

6 years

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

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@ch000ch

9 years

i apply to several colleges a year and send back every acceptance letter with a note that says you fucking wish

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@ch000ch

10 years

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that's embarrassing

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@ch000ch

3 years

white people will post "so I did a thing :)" and it's a picture of a panini

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@ch000ch

6 years

white people fucking love turning in for the night

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@ch000ch

6 years

waiter: is Pepsi okay me: ya it's basically the same thing anyway CIA agent listening in: take him out

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@ch000ch

6 years

we literally gave Apple our fingerprints and are now worried that companies have too much of our personal data lmao

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@ch000ch

6 years

Ladies you have $100 to build the perfect man: $30 - handsome $25 - fast swimmer $40- walks sideways $55 - big claws $20 - eats algae $15 - yes this is a crab

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@ch000ch

9 years

me: no one can hear you scream in space my lawyer: u gotta stop saying weird shit to the judge man

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@ch000ch

6 years

gonna be an idiot piece of shit for halloween this year oh wow look already dressed

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@ch000ch

7 years

Me: i make 6 figures per year My date: wow that's pretty good Me: yea. although most people call them "figurines"

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@ch000ch

6 years

by age 35 you should have $11

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@ch000ch

11 years

9-1-1 what's your emergency? I FELT A BOOB AND THERES NO ONE TO HIGH FIVE Sir please stay on the line we're dispatching out our coolest cop

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chuuch

@ch000ch

8 years

no, thank u for letting us know u were able to find pleasure in the deadliest mass shooting tragedy in U.S. history

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

8 years

Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism, I don't want congrats, I want toughness & vigilance. We must be smart!

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chuuch

@ch000ch

11 years

eat shit, dude who cut in line at wendy's, now i'm gonna imagine you being nude and make fun of you in my mind ok wow nice balls actually

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@ch000ch

8 years

when u remember u got pizza rolls at home

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@ch000ch

8 years

ok i'll bite.. what is Britain

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@ch000ch

8 years

JOE: i'm gonna miss being Joe Biden BARRACK: Joe you'll still be Joe Biden, just not VP JOE: that makes sense i guess. but not really

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@ch000ch

8 years

PEOPLE OF COLOR: the system is rigged against us GOP: you're just not working hard enough. btw, the system is rigged against our candidate

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@ch000ch

7 years

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

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@ch000ch

9 years

hello this is ur captain speaking. if u look out the left of the plane you'll see ur mom. lmaooo owned. now let's fly this piece of shit

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@ch000ch

7 years

ME: dude we gotta hang out soon. Is next week good? FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL: ya man, totally. can't wait! NARRATOR: They did not hang out.

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chuuch

@ch000ch

5 years

no one: white barista with dreadlocks: right on right on my cat is allergic to water

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@ch000ch

6 years

there is no serving size for grapes. Just keep eating until you're almost dead.

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@ch000ch

7 years

at golf today, a fox came out of the woods, sat over my ball, stared at me for 5 minutes & left. i know it's an omen i just don't know which

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chuuch

@ch000ch

6 years

Personally I think that all teachers should flat out be replaced with a bag of guns

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@ch000ch

6 years

If you choose not to vote today you waive your right to bitch for the next 730 days. Do you really not wanna be able to bitch about stuff

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@ch000ch

4 years

is this indica or sativa

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@ch000ch

8 years

WENDY'S DRIVE THRU: welcome to wendys can i take ur order ME: (out of my car w/ my arms around the intercom) do u ever get sad

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@ch000ch

8 years

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman] my date: why my jacket

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@ch000ch

7 years

me: hi craft beer guy: i am about to tell you a record number of shitty opinions over the next 2 hours

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@ch000ch

8 years

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

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@ch000ch

7 years

just spilled my glass of shitty bourbon onto my chicken tenders and created a TGI Fridays appetizer by accident

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@ch000ch

8 years

if youre just waking up from a coma, facebook is now a 1 minute cooking video website

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@ch000ch

7 years

Facebook: 4 of your dipshit friends liked Clorox Disinfecting Wipes page on facebook for some reason so here's one of their ads

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@ch000ch

6 years

Me in 2008: technology is out of control. What dumbass would put personal information on the World Wide Web Me in 2018: Alexa, read me the results of my rectal exam at 2x speed

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chuuch

@ch000ch

7 years

2000 years ago: god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life Today: god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

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@ch000ch

6 years

Me when meeting someone's baby: aw cute how old Mom: aw thank you she's 129 thousand minutes old. would u prefer a smaller unit of measurement, I can do nanoseconds

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@ch000ch

6 years

Looking back, the best thing about growing up in the 90s was if u fucked up and spilled a glass of milk on the dog or something ur mom couldn't post it on facebook while other moms comment some shit like "looks like a typical morning at our house! 😂❤️"

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@ch000ch

6 years

me: hi person who's been working out more lately: wow thanks so much yeah i feel great

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@ch000ch