Carleen Ceraldi @ceraldi_carleen Twitter profile

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I am inclined to believe a Holocaust survivor when he says ICE raids are just like Nazis raids.

Read Abolish Rent

@JoshuaPHilll

5 years

Holocaust survivor Bernard Marks confronts ICE director Thomas Homan - and compares ICE raids to Nazis raids. #JewsAgainstICE

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Porn Hub gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

My best friend's hubby is an evangelical,and we don't get along. Sunday,he called me to yell at me,saying I'm a bad influence on his wife because she called him a bad name. I said "did she call you a prick or a cocksucker?" He said "no" I said "Then she didn't hear it from me"

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I just asked my husband if he wanted anything to eat for dinner. He said, " What are the choices?" I replied, " Yes or fucking no."

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

My mom just texted me and said, "what does idk mean?" I said, "I don't know." She said, "dammit. Nobody does."

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

I found $20 in the mall parking lot, and thought to myself 'what would Jesus do?' So, I turned it into wine.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Sooo my bitch ass neighbor called the cops cause I was smoking on the front balcony. The police get here and ask where the weed is at? I told them I smoked it all. They asked," where'd you buy it?" I said, " from the neighbor." Now they're at his house. 🤣😂

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Shout out to all curvy girls: Don't be afraid to get on top.... If he dies, he dies.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

I wrote a song about Donald Trump. It's called: Fuck You, You Lying Motherfucker. So far all I have is the title. I'm working on the rest of the lyrics.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

This shit is getting real. I'm giving up drinking for a month. Sorry. Punctuation matters. I'm giving up! Drinking for a month.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Good morning my lovelies 💕 February 1, 2009. The day I put the bottle down and chose to live. Today marks 11 years sober for me. I am blessed beyond my wildest imagination and I wouldn't trade my best day drinking for my worst day sober. I love you all💖

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Good morning my lovelies 💕 I received a DM last night from a hater. She told me that fowl mouthed people like me are going to Hell. So I rented a bus for the trip. My questions are: How many of you motherfuckers are coming with me and what the fuck is everyone wearing? I 💖U all

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

If you loathe Trump as much as I do, you're my Tribe and I want to follow you. Stronger together ❤

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile. Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

This is fucking crazy. I just tried to make hand sanitizer and it came out as rum and coke. Cheers!

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

The winner of the 2019 Sand Sculpture in Texas

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

My oldest sister died this afternoon of cancer.She fought hard for 5 years and was always so positive through it all.I will miss her every day for the rest of life but I am grateful her pain is over.She promised to send me a butterfly from heaven. It will be beautiful,like her.💔

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

A stranger DM'd me last night. He wanted me to meet him at the lake by my home to show me his penis. Fucking weirdo didn't even show up.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

3 years

What does it mean when the teapot light comes on.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

My husband and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' in bed. He asked me,"do you wanna have sex" "No.I'm tired" I said He said"is that your final answer" Without looking at him, I said"yes." So he said,"then I'd like to phone a friend ..and that's how the fight started

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Was getting my nails done today. This sweet little lady beside me in the salon looked at me and said "You look familiar." I said "I do porn." My nails....$85 The look on her face....priceless

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

3 years

I love it when guys ask me how big my tits are, like, as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I'm a WD-40 and he'd be like, "OMG. So fucking hot."

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Did you know that Republican spelled backwards is "Asshole?" Hey, if they can make shit up, so can we.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

6 years

Jamal Kashoggi should be Time's Person of the Year. He gave his life for freedom of the press.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I saw Pompeo on MSNBC, talking about the Trump-made debacle in Iran, and he asked the world to "just trust us." Sorry, but no fucking way. After all the constant lies from everyone in this administration, hard to believe anyone trusts any of them . Do you?

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

I believe that the only way Trump is getting to 270 now, is if he loses 50lbs

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Mark is home.❤

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I was at my son's home, visiting. I asked him to pass me the phone book. He laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone. ....so....the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken and my son is furious at me.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Congratulations to the astronauts that rode a rocket ship off of earth today. Fucking excellent choice.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

No fucking way!! Say it isn't so!!! U.S. Senator produces document suggesting Brett Kavanaugh lied under oath

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Mark is out of surgery and it went well. He had a quadruple bypass and a valve replacement. They will keep him asleep for several more hours to make sure he is ok. I can see him in an hour. Thank you all for your prayers and words of comfort

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Well......the cops just left. They said if I'm going to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good news: Mark just called from the hospital, crying, because they have discharged him. He is so emotional because he is happy. It's been 22 days in hospital. His creatinine level fell significantly overnight so drs were no longer concerned about kidney blockage. Thank you all.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

The sexual position formerly known as 69 will now be called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Good morning my lovelies 💕 I am a straight white woman, but until this cancerous administration of hate is gone, I am black, I am Jewish, I am Muslim, I am gay, I am Latino, I am trans. I will stand with the oppressed. I will fight for equality. I love you all💖

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

I don't want to worry everybody, but last night Mark had another heart attack. He is in the hospital and he is ok. We won't know the extent of damage until later today when he has an angiogram.He could use some prayers,if you are so inclined. And definitely some love @CeraldiMark

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

If you hate the site of that motherfucker's face as much as me, I need to follow you. If you scream, "fuck you. You lying bastard" at your TV every time you hear his voice, I need to follow you. You are my tribe.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

We are protesting here in Canada. Americans should be lining the streets in numbers so large they shut down cities. Wake up people. March.

Read Abolish Rent

@JoshuaPHilll

5 years

Wow. Even Toronto is out today protesting war with Iran.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

As I was crawling into bed last night, he said, "You're drunk." I said, "How do you know?" He said, "You live next door."

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

It's my birthday, bitches!! 57 isn't so bad.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Stopped to use the washroom at a gas station in one of these small towns we've been driving through. The guy behind the counter told me I looked familiar.....so of course I said, "I do porn." Should have seen his face.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I just voted for Justin Trudeau.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I wrote a poem about the Republicans Eat shit all you motherfuckers. You like it?

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Today, Mark and I are celebrating our anniversary. 38 years.... and he still brings me coffee in bed every morning. He thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world and I am still his Queen. ❤

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies💕 12 years ago today I put the bottle down. I damn near killed myself drinking and was diagnosed with Acute Alcoholic Hepatitis;my liver was pissed. By the grace of God my obsession was lifted and that is not the legacy I will leave my kids. ODAT I💖Uall

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Did Nancy Pelosi ride her dragon to the SOTU? I thought it would be impossible for her to ever outdo the "Clap" but then last night. Holy fuck....last night!!!! She. Ripped. The. Motherfucking. Speech. Up. In front of Trump. Lol Bravo, Nancy! Bravo! Straighten her crown, people!

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

A slightly drunk woman is watching TV and yells, "Don't go there. Don't go to the church you dumb bitch." Her husband asks, "what are you watching?" "Our wedding video."

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Mark says hi to everyone. He is doing well, still in hospital. We should find out today when his surgery is. Sending our love to you all ❤

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

My neighborhood supermarket was out of hand soap and toilet paper so I thought, fuck it, and bought dryer sheets and fabric softener. Now my 57 yr old ass smells like mountain air, and is completely wrinkle free. And I can catch lightening bolts with my bare hands.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Walked over Brooklyn Bridge to Grimaldi's for my son's birthday lunch. For all the negative responders about my dress choice, my son told me I look beautiful.He also asked if everyone on twitter was an asshole. Some people wait there whole life to meet their hero.I raised mine.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

I was just kicked out of our local hospital. Apparently, the sign that says, "Stroke Patients Here," meant something completely different than I thought.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I just saw an attractive man spank his kid at McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.😏😁

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Too soon?

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

My lovelies💕 An update: While visiting Mark this morning in the ICU, hooked to many tubes and machines, he got a very serious look on his face and asked,"is that catheter tube in my dick?" "Yes," I said. He went pale and then said" where did they find tubing that long." He's ok.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Some guy told me my dress was too short. I told him his dick was the inspiration. 💄👠🦄

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies💕 This month has been a long decade. Mark is back in hospital with A-fib. If the meds don't work they are going to shock his heart back into rhythm. I need Samuel Jackson to narrate my week as it requires multiple uses of the word "motherfucker." I💖Uall

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

The sexual position formerly known as 69 will now be called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

My husband and I are always up by 4am for work, but today I am up way to early because I was video talking with my hubby. He had a heart attack on Saturday evening and is still in the hospital awaiting an angiogram, today. He is doing well. Love your show #waytooearly

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies💕 I will never vote for any Republican again. If you can say this, I want to follow you. I💖Uall

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend...Beautiful soul...my big sister. I don't have the vocabulary to describe my profound grief. I love you Debbie❤

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

What's up Alan? You scared, Shitfucker? You seem scared. Alan Dershowitz stepping down at Harvard Law

Alan Dershowitz stepping down from Harvard Law School next week. But retiring? Unlikely - The...

Alan M. Dershowitz was only 25 when he joined the Harvard Law School faculty in 1964, and three years later he became the youngest full professor in the law school’s history.

www.bostonglobe.com

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies💕 This past week with Mark's health, we are reminded how fortunate we are to have healthcare. When all is done, his open heart surgery and everything that comes with it, before and after, the total cost to us is $0 We can keep our house. Vote Blue I💖Uall

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Well guys. Mark and I had sex for the first time, post-op, last night. Surprisingly, it lasted 3 hours. We role-played as a doctor and patient. I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes, only to find him sleeping when I finally went in the bedroom.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

3 years

When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a unicorn. A gangster motherfucking unicorn

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I know I invited all you lovelies over yesterday, but I have to rescind my invitation due to the Coronavirus. Don't worry. I'm not sick. I just don't trust any of you fuckers around my toilet paper.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Good morning my lovelies 💕 I want to open a coffee shop and call it, "Fuck Mornings" And all the drinks could have cute names like, 'It's Too Early For This Shit' 'Trump Is An Asshole' 'Fuck You Mitch' And they all come with a shot of tequila in them. I love you all💖

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies💕 I wrote a Thank You letter to the producers of the RNC Convention. Maybe you guys can proof read it for me. Dear RNC: Thank FUCK your shitshow full of lies is over. Now, fuck off. Sincerely The World What do you all think? Any mistakes? I💖U all

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

I just found out that if you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the garbage can.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

My neighbor's outdoor Christmas lights.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I made my hubby a coffee this morning and winked at him when I handed him the cup. He looked at me and said, "I've never been more scared of a drink in all my life."

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies💕 As the saying goes,you can't keep a good man down. Mark just called and has already sweet-talked the nurses into using the hospital phone and he got permission for me to come visit now, in ICU. As I write this,it is 3:52am. He sounded wonderful. I💖Uall

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

My mom just texted me and said, "what does idk mean?" I said, "I don't know." She said, "dammit. Nobody does."

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

What is your favorite word to use in in place of 'motherfucker' in front of the kids and grandkids? Mine is 'motherfucker.'

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

When will Americans start marching in the streets and closing down cities? Is this it? We all just watch as Trump burns the U.S to the ground? Don't count on November 2020. What is stopping Trump from declaring himself King and cancelling all elections? DONT SAY THE CONSTITUTION

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Good morning my lovelies 💕 Yesterday, I deleted all the perfect people from my account. You fuckers are who is left with me. It's Monday. Back at it hard. You all want coffee, or what? I love you all💖

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies 💕 For months the world has been on hold. We wake up feeling uneasy; not knowing what the day will bring. Yesterday, my world went dark as a piece of my soul died. Today, it is an accomplishment if all I do is breathe. I💖U all Magnus' final moments

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Remember how, when you were younger, you could just rip off your diaper and your clothes and run around naked in public, and everyone thought it was super cute and funny? Anyway, I need bail money.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

My husband and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' in bed. He asked me"do you wanna have sex?" "No.I'm tired"I said. He said"is that your final answer?" Without looking at him,I said,"yes." So he said,"then I'd like to phone a friend" And that's how the fight started

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Good morning my lovelies 💕 I hereby pledge, If I do get the coronavirus, I am attending every Trump rally I can get to. I love you all💖

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies💕 Help me out this morning. Is "motherfucker" one word or two words, "mother fucker"? I'm writing a love letter to the Shrek-lookin bag of bitch in the White House. I 💖 U all

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies💕 Today is the day. Mark will be going into surgery soon. To say he is terrified is an understatement. To make matters worse, there was a covid outbreak at the hospital so I am not allowed to visit. Please continue to pray that all goes well. I💖Uall

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

My lovelies 💕 He is on his way, now, for the angiogram and angioplasty. He was very nervous and uneasy. Please send him your prayers, love and positive vibes. I should know the outcome very late tonight. I will give an update when I have one. I💖U all

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

#NewProfilePic

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

3 years

Today's math problem: If George is 68 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does George have?

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Good morning my lovelies 💕 I read a meme that said: 1/2 of us would come out of this pregnant and the other 1/2 look pregnant. So I asked Mark, "did I get fat." Mark said, " you were never really skinny." Time of Death: 5/11/20 5:30 a.m Cause of Death: Coronavirus I💖U all

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Breaking: New evidence has surfaced confirming that Hilary Clinton met with a Russian agent during the 2016 election. Here's photographic evidence

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

A recent study said that masturbating twice a week increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the math. Be jealous fuckers. I'm immortal. 💄👠

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

Last night a cop showed up at my house again. She asked me where I was between 5 and 6. I dont know why she was so pissed when I said "kindergarten"

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

3 years

Remember: When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it's illegal to dig it up. Follow me forore gardening tips.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

3 years

For the longest time I have been sitting here, wondering why I never got Polio as a kid. Then it hit me like ...oh yeah. My parents vaccinated me when I was young because they weren't stupid assholes.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

The first word you see is where you are going on vacation this summer.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

I dropped off a shirt at the cleaners today. On my way out the door, the nice lady said, "come again." Without skipping a beat, I said "no. It's just toothpaste this time."

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

3 years

Name an everyday item that is more difficult to attain than a gun, in the United States. I'll go first. Iron supplements

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

I got my COVID test results back. I'm negative.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

3 years

Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. I am realizing that as men age, their balls get smaller

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

I changed my background photo to this. So did Nancy Pelosi. As a show of support for Impeachment, I am asking that all resisters make this their background. Please rt to spread.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Do you ever look at people who voted for Trump and think... Fuckass

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

5 years

Gas is at it's cheapest price in 30 years......can't drive. Flights to anywhere, everywhere are dirt cheap.....can't fly. We are stuck in a motherfucking Alanis Morisette song.

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Carleen Ceraldi

@ceraldi_carleen

4 years

WoooHooo The surgeon just called and said Mark's surgery went well. The infection did not reach the bone and he is very optimistic...his words. They will keep Mark there for several more days to make sure things are headed the right way. Thank you for your prayers and well-wishes

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