Christine Obert @cdpsolutions1 Twitter profile

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

4 years

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

6 months

Life with a dog consists of 90% following each other around, watching each other use the bathroom and wondering what the other is eating.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Do you mind if we push our meeting to tomorrow? I've been dreading it all day but would like to dread it all day tomorrow as well.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars. Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

No one ever told me how much of my life I’d spend pretending to look at random items in a food aisle while waiting for someone to move their shopping cart out of the way.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

Things I thought I would have as an adult: a big house, an impressive retirement account, a thriving social life. Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite spatula, crippling anxiety.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

This tape doesn't even taste like scotch.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

If you have any questions or concerns please don't. Hesitate to ask.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

It's interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn't think the situation was this dire.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

First rule of might club. 1. Never commit to plans.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

It's called paid time off because you end up paying for it when you get back.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

I need a leaf blower, but for people.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

I need to find hobbies that don't include my debit card.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

1 year

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Santa Clause has the right idea visit people only once a year, eat a snack and leave quickly.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

My body is a temple therefore I am a church and exempt from paying taxes.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

I've never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

4 years

When people suck the life out of you, they should take some fat too.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

In every household there is one person who loads the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect, and one who tosses the dishes in like a Chihuahua on crystal meth.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

As l've gotten older, it has become clear to me why the grinch wanted to live alone with his dog.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Most of being an adult is whispering "fuck this" while doing it anyway.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

6 months

My life coach just informed me that I did not make the team.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

For every action there is equal and opposite desire to lay on the couch.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Whoever claimed there's no such thing as a stupid question clearly hasn't worked at my office.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

I heard you like bad girls. Well I'm bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

I wish I had the body I complained about 10 years ago.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

If you’ve ever said, “I’ll do that when hell freezes over.” It’s time to do that.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. I retraced my steps and started a new project on the way back.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

3 years

How many times do I have to click “I accept cookies” before they send me cookies?

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Whenever I fly, I see so many people who seem to be new to being in public.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

4 years

My face mask hides my resting bitch face...unfortunately now people think I’m approachable.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Shut Up. I’m not seizing the day. Nobody seizes a Monday. Psychopath.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

@Take7_Reserved I had a meeting this morning, third one in 3 months to discuss naming a data standard. I lost my shit. I said I don’t care what you name it, just give me a good definition. When a name was finally decided the leaders celebrated like they launched the space shuttle. OMFG.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

4 years

@butter4374 @downwinddog

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree. A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

5 years

@ANDREW1ALBERTT Think to myself “This explains a lot”

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

I make bad decisions when I’m drunk. But to be fair the sober decisions I make are not good either.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Am I perfect? No. But am I trying to do better? Also no.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

I am a good driver, that curb doesn’t belong there.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

7 months

It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 muscles to frown so being an asshole is a better workout.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

I have a pretty big butt, so when I do something half-ass you’re still getting something impressive.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

3 years

“Do what you love and the money will follow.” Ate pizza, drank wine, and took a 2 hour nap with my dog. Now I wait.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

I believe in you. I also believe in bigfoot so don't get too excited

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

1 year

It’s easier to practice self restraint as you get older, not because you’re wiser but because you’re tired.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

6 months

I like to live on the edge. My final thought before making a big decision is always “fuck it”.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

For anybody else getting coal for Christmas, maybe we can pool our resources later and have a barbecue.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

4 years

I want to be a caterpillar. You get to eat a lot, sleep a lot, then wake up beautiful.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

This too shall pass. Then some other crap will come to take its place. It’s the circle of life.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

I’m not funny. I'm just mean but people think I'm joking.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

How am I supposed to be thin when the best part of life is food?

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Sorry I missed your call, I was staring at the screen in horror wondering why you didn’t just text me.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

I am grateful my thoughts don’t appear in bubbles over my head.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

I think, therefore I can’t get back to sleep at 3 am.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

5 months

As my father told me, “Measure twice, cut twice because dammit it still isn’t right.”

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

1 year

Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I wanna go grocery shopping like it’s 1999.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

At some point you will find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all your time. Unfortunately that person is your boss.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

January is the Monday of months.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

The little pocket on your jeans is for the what’s left after the bills are paid.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

You ever forget what you're doing and you just stand there loading…

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

Optimist: the glass is half full. Pessimist: the glass is half empty. Excel: the glass is January 2.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

Remember as a kid when you fell on the trampoline everyone would keep jumping so you couldn't get back up?.... That's basically life as an adult.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

You're never too old to hurt yourself trying something new.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

3 years

The CDC says that laughing for 2 minutes is as healthy as a 20 minute jog, so am laughing at all the joggers.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

There is a high probability if it's inappropriate and tasteless, I'll find it completely hilarious.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

AutoCorrect can go to he’ll.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

I wake up on time, but lay in bed until I’m late.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

1 year

No, I don’t want your man. I don’t even know why you want your man.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

It’s amazing how exhausting it can be to do nothing.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

1 year

If by “meal planning” you mean constantly thinking about what I’m going to eat next, then yes I do meal planning.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

11 months

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I remind myself never to trust my sister’s directions.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

1 year

I’m aging like a fine wine, in the basement, untouched.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

I wonder if there is a taco somewhere out there thinking about me, too.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

3 years

How to Win Friends and Influence People…

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

5 years

“You cannot wake a person who is pretending to be asleep” -Navajo proverb

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

I don't want to adult today. I don't even want to human today. Today, I want to Goat. Gonna eat all day and head-butt anyone who tries to stop me.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Sorry it took me so long to respond, I am understaffed.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

WHAT IF SNOW WHITE WAS JUST PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP SO SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER LITTLE PEOPLE ANYMORE? I TOTALLY GET THAT.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

Please don’t wish me happy Hondadays when you know I celebrate Toyotathon.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

3 years

Today has infinite wondrous possibilities, I’m going back to bed but you should find out what they are.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

9 months

When you think you’re wife might be mad at you as you find suttle hints…

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

4 years

I love social distancing. I’m an anti social butterfly.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

1 year

Tomorrow is Monday again. I can’t keep living like this.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

3 years

I used to be a scientist but ever since I hit menopause, now I’m a mad scientist.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

8 months

I was going to give up my bad habits for New Years, but I’m not a quitter.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

Every day is Black Friday when you're financially irresponsible.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

What doesn't kill you makes you the owner of unhealthy coping mechanisms and an alarmingly dark sense of humor.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

4 years

If I was Snow White the Wicked Witch would have to poison a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

4 years

There’s no room in my life for BS unless it’s burritos and salsa.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

I had my patience tested. The results were negative.

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Christine Obert

@cdpsolutions1

10 months

When the recipe says reduce the wine it does not mean to drink it. I know this now.

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