Caitlin @caithuls Twitter profile

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Caitlin

@caithuls

5 years

No one wants to hang out with me anymore ever since I got a bad personality and became evil

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

Release the vaccine in vape form and I promise no one will ask what is in it

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

To whoever gets him next... he’s a rat ❤️ but he’s also a chef 💔

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Caitlin

@caithuls

3 years

Is this worth a million dollars? Feels like this should be worth a million dollars

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

Not the most important issue but Mitt just isn’t a name

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Caitlin

@caithuls

9 months

How do y’all decide which kids wear shoes

Mitt Romney

@MittRomney

9 months

From our family to yours, Merry Christmas!

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

Kind of a weird sign if you ask me

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Caitlin

@caithuls

8 months

Hello police? Yeah I slept too well last night. No I’m pissed

Justin Murphy

@jmrphy

8 months

Cannabis is a silent epidemic wreaking havoc on the American family. A friend brought some of these over and I drank two around 8pm. My body completely shut down and I slept from 9pm until 10am. I slept through Sunday Mass. How is this legal, with such innocent packaging?

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks

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Caitlin

@caithuls

1 year

To be fair though if I was getting paid to do nothing I would keep my mouth shut and probably even sit very very still

New York Post

@nypost

1 year

Workers at Meta, Salesforce say they got paid to do nothing: ‘They hoarded us like Pokémon cards’

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

If you are feeling bad, try feeling good! Hope this helps ☺️✨

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Caitlin

@caithuls

1 year

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Caitlin

@caithuls

10 months

She said y’all don’t get it. My daughter is soooooo stupid

🔥 🏠 with a Y 🏠 🔥

@wyntermitchell

10 months

She’s out of her fucking mind

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

A spicy wine? Oh you mean a jalapiñot?

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Caitlin

@caithuls

3 years

At least 4 of my pill bottles say “may cause dizziness” so before you’re mean to me online consider that I might be the dizziest bitch in the world ok

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Caitlin

@caithuls

3 years

I do not want to do my little tasks

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

My mom 3 seconds into any movie:

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Caitlin

@caithuls

3 years

One time I was talking to a guy I just met and told him how my dog is anxious around other dogs and he was like “I’ve only known you a few minutes but I’m almost positive it’s you that’s anxious and your dog is picking up on that” and he wasn’t wrong but he was being a bitch

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 months

I could have a really amazing panic attack in this thing

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my 𝕟𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕡𝕠𝕥𝕒𝕥𝕠

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

[me doing body positivity] I love my skin prison

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Caitlin

@caithuls

5 years

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

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Caitlin

@caithuls

3 years

The show Ted lasso is not about “Ted being nice” you fucking dipshits. You absolute fools. It’s about Roy Kent being hot

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

BOSS: Your feminist agenda is starting to disrupt meetings ME: *tucks tampon behind ear like a pen* How

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

Patti Harrison we salute you

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right? ME (has a degree in computer science): No

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

What I like about myself is that when I use qtips in my ears it’s good actually. They said for me it’s good and fine

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Caitlin

@caithuls

3 years

Are you a “niche internet micro celebrity” or are you just a person with a Twitter account. Like the rest of us…

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

“It’s a hybrid.” “Sweeeet how much?”

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

It’s the freakin weekend baby I’m about to take me some tums

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Caitlin

@caithuls

9 months

“Kids some of you are getting splinters today. You know why.”

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Caitlin

@caithuls

5 months

No we bought Mountain Dew from the vending machines at 8AM like real Americans

michaela pratt

@im_ayanna

5 months

wait.. yalls high schools didn’t sell iced coffee in the mornings??

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

[me when someone tells a joke I definitely don't get] ha ha humor, I get that and what's more is I enjoy it

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

Every morning my husband and I drink coffee and talk for hours until one of us is fully vibrating from the caffeine. At this point we both begin to hover a few feet above the ground and this is when the real fun begins. Next,

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Caitlin

@caithuls

9 months

The Mormon version of Christmas coal is that you can’t wear shoes in the family holiday photo

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Caitlin

@caithuls

3 years

Thinking about how cool it is that I used to not want to live but now I want to live. That rocks!!

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

DATE: So tell me about yourself ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table DATE: Ok

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

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Caitlin

@caithuls

5 years

As you prepare to spend time with your family for the holidays remember that family is almost as arbitrary as the government and you can make your own family even if it’s just you, two dogs, a tree, and a cat that you exclusively know through facetime

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

Welp, I have been placed upon the blast once again

Smithsonian Magazine

@SmithsonianMag

7 years

This worm hasn't had sex in 18 million years.

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

My dad trying to describe what TV show to put on: “it’s like weird people and they all hang out together in a restaurant”

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

Can't believe they perfected the motel experience after just 6 tries

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

OPPONENT: I'm gonna mop the floor with you! ME: Thanks I could really use the help

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Caitlin

@caithuls

1 year

@SaeedDiCaprio All that rise against hurt copain will fail AND look silly

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor ME: Ah ok I don't have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

Denise please return my vape pen

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

little debbie implies the existence of somewhere somehow a larger debbie, a deborah even perhaps

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

[trying to get out of date] ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911 HIM: That's not how- ME: *mouthing* IT'S AN EMERGENCY

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

I sleep with a knife in my bedside table in case anyone breaks in during the night and needs some apples sliced up or whatever

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

Stop trying to make Mitt a name it’s not going to happen

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

Red pepper flakes?? Oh do you mean mommy’s spicy little fish food?

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Caitlin

@caithuls

10 months

“On the record I do not believe in her like at all” is what this sounds like to me idk

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Caitlin

@caithuls

9 months

My bad Mirt

Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

Not the most important issue but Mitt just isn’t a name

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

You can make fun of bad people’s names it’s literally just some letters their parents pushed together and in this case they should have gone with Ttim

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

“I don’t have a single racist bone in my body” Yeah ok I don’t think it’s in the bones though. Probably the brain area if I had to guess

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Caitlin

@caithuls

1 year

I am hugely available to get paid to nothing. But I also can be paid for things such as: - software/web dev (mostly front end, most familiar with JavaScript lately but plenty of experience with C#, Java, and Python too) - paint or draw things - writing funny stuff - 4 being me<3

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

Can someone figure out an amazing tv show I can watch? Needs to have at least one full season and be life altering in the exact way I want it to be which I will not describe. Thanks!

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger's shoulder from behind them at an Arby's

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

me: we should be chill during this conversation my brain: throw in the word 'thang' for no reason at all

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

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Caitlin

@caithuls

5 years

Fine I’ll be the hot Dalai Lama

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

I got a birth control shot at 8 this morning and I’ll tell ya what, I haven’t had a single baby since

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

My calling is providing perfect jokes for free to my one million followers on Twitter dot com

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

Ask your doctor if waking up is right for you

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

I like my cookies medium rare

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Caitlin

@caithuls

9 months

I love new year eve - counting numbers, kissing smooch style, doing a yell

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

A show called The Voice but it’s just the one in my head and let me tell you, the ratings, they are not great

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

As someone who has never been to NYC but watches a lot of TV I felt it was my job to draw a probably perfectly accurate map of the city

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

Imagine falling in love with someone & it turns out they're some sick fuck that folds towels slightly different than you do

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

How do you make yourself start working out when you don’t work out ever and hate it? And do not say just start doing it, I am obviously looking to trick myself into it

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

If people ate pigeon and I thought it was ok but not great and it was served at a dinner party I'd say "Oh just a smidgeon of pigeon for me"

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

COP: License and registration please ME: Can't sell ya those but I do have drugs

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Caitlin

@caithuls

1 year

Oh it’s 4/20?? Do you mean 1/5 you stupid bitch?? Dates are fractions now get over it

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Caitlin

@caithuls

2 years

Is your refrigerator running?? That’s cool. It’s good that it works

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

Sorry I wouldn’t subscribe to your podcast, The Podcast Boys: The Boys That Podcast

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

Idea: me but has tater tots

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Caitlin

@caithuls

4 years

My thing is why is your cake ugly as shit

Kim Kardashian

@KimKardashian

4 years

We danced, rode bikes, swam near whales, kayaked, watched a movie on the beach and so much more. I realize that for most people, this is something that is so far out of reach right now, so in moments like these, I am humbly reminded of how privileged my life is. #thisis40

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

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Caitlin

@caithuls

5 years

Sorry I said football is diet war

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

ME: So it's like a spank bank for your feelings? THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

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Caitlin

@caithuls

3 years

Here’s my impression of CVS texting me: Hi we’ve refilled your prescription 12 days early and if you don’t pick it up in 3 hours we WILL put it back AND we’re PISSED AT YOU!!!

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

FRIEND: I'm engaged!!! ME: That's cool. I've been popping mini snickers in the place of meals for about a week now

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift? ME: Yah, that's how I eat pal

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Caitlin

@caithuls

1 year

Thinking about this weirdo

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

[texting a very new friend] hey quick q, do you think I’m a person worthy of happiness?

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

HIM: I like your shirt! ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I'm wearing and also me] thanks

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Caitlin

@caithuls

3 years

@carterhambley I’m pretty sure Macy’s planning to wear the same shirt

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

Picture this. An attorney asking to speak to their attorney. That attorney’s attorney also wants to speak to, you guessed it, their attorney. It’s attorneys all the way down! Attorney Centipede. Attorneypede, if you will JUDGE: I'll allow it

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

I wanted to do crimes today but I forgot to write “do crimes” on my calendar so unfortunately I couldn’t do the crimes

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

A lot of people don't know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

me: we could relax my brain: we could keep our body tense for no reason until it gives us a headache

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Caitlin

@caithuls

6 years

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

[an assassin tries to snap my neck but my whole head just pops right off] ME: I loosened it up for ya

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

Science is the study of how some politicians don't think it be like this but it do

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

COWORKER: Leaving early? ME: Yeah, need some extra time to cry in the car COWORKER: What? ME: What?

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

If a football guy does a good move and doesn’t point at the sky to dedicate it to god I assume he’s in cahoots with satan and there’s no changing my mind at that point

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Caitlin

@caithuls

7 years

Sorry I missed your call, I've been trying to get off the phone with my mom since 2008

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Caitlin

@caithuls