Brett Neustrom @brett_neusty Twitter profile

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Brett Neustrom

5 years

one time during a high school cross country meet i pretended to faint .5 miles in because i was tired and the medics came and carried me to a golf cart and i’ve kept this to myself for 4 years- AND THAT’S SHOWBIZ, BABY.

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

white girls on christmas: my sister knows me so well and got me the greatest gift I could ever ask for... just watch✨😭💓

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

SUCH a humbling year, I: -got a 7.9 GPA -had 7 internships and worked 4 full-time jobs -built my parents a new house -gave birth to triplets -traveled to australia -became the governor of Texas -saved a cow from a burning building well gtg i’m training for a triathlon😆🙈✨✅🚀

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

1 year

the fact that i’m someone’s cousin… umm that doesn’t sound like something i would do

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

3 months

i love it when i have to pee so bad and then i go pee and i pee so much and i’m like see i swear to god i wasn’t being dramatic. like that was real

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

fall semester: just moved in, room is clean, have a lot of money from summer job, it's warm outside and football season is approaching spring semester: is cold for the first 3 months, all you have to your name is $5.26 and a half eaten nature valley granola bar

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

girls turn 20 and exclusively date guys whose last names can be made into a wedding pun

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

literally someone get me an agent and an apartment in LA, this talent is too good to be left untouched

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

he wishes you a happy birthday on your big day but treats you like trash the rest of the year??? dump👏🏼him👏🏼Earth👏🏼

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

some light renegade work in a staples’ parking lot with @emmachamberlain and @oliviarouyre #grind

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

me: hey haha! i was just wondering if you wanted to hang or something! if you are busy that’s totally fine, i don’t care. well, i do care like i obviously want to hang out with you but like get it if it doesn’t work out. just let me know!! :) friend: sure

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

in high school gym class we had to jump into a pool fully clothed and take off our pants to make a life jacket out of them and i never think i fully recovered from that

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

*me answering the phone, home alone as a kid* them: h- me: my mom is in the shower by the way

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

3 months

the idea of father’s day gifts is hilarious like okay i’m supposed to get my 65 year old dad a little treat?? i think he’s fine

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

there were only 2 types of kids growing up: -kids who had trampolines and got taken advantage of -kids who took advantage of people with trampolines

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

8 years

*turns around Cory is pushing some random person's child in a stroller without the parent knowing*

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

2 years

i love when i’m driving and maps is like yoooo is that accident still there?? umm, you gonna put me on the payroll?? i’m not helping you do your job until i fill out my W2. i’m not a volunteer

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

3 months

i love it when my dryer is done and starts making noises to alert me… like baby you’re going to stay in there for 5 days, you might as well get comfy and stop fussing

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

singer: that was my last song, goodnight!! *leaves* crowd: singer: crowd: singer: haha ok FINE i’ll play my most popular song that i didn’t play during the actual concert!! twist my arm!!

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

10 years

SCHOOL IS CANCELED!!! http://t.co/wGeuwBrmw1

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

just paid my speeding ticket with money i got from donating plasma. hope the government enjoys my LITERAL blood money

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

waiter: enjoy your food me: thanks, you too! me:

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

missing my high school GPA a little extra today✨🦋☺️

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

me texting in 7th grade: brb in 10, eating dinner!! me texting now: *missed a call 5 days ago* yo u called?

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

3 months

turning off a lamp is so intimate like why do i have to reach up there like that

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

my brita drunk rednecks at the iowa state fair 🤝 lost its filter years ago

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

the incredibles came out 15 years ago and i still think about this scene everyday.. the mom stretched her mf back into a boat, dash used his 8-year old legs to make a motor AND VIOLET HAS THE AUDACITY TO SIT IN THE HUMAN MOTORBOAT AND SHIVER. In this TED talk i-

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

i think i have a problem getting too comfortable with people too fast. i met my sister boyfriend for the first time and 30 mins later i asked if i could jump over him in my front yard

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

girl who studies dog abroad 🤝 has a blog

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

8 years

how life is going rn

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

give a man a fish, it will feed him for a day teach a man to fish, and that’s literally all he will post on his instagram

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

granola bars at parties: cliff bar: gets mildly drunk, makes 2 offensive comment but still respectful nutrigrain bar: sober and flaunts it, won’t stop talking about his trip to denver nature valley bar: belligerent, threw up in your mom’s sock drawer and is very handsy

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

9 years

CORY SCHNEIDER 4 HOMECOMING KING

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

Rush Hy Chi fall 2017

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

8 years

you vs the guy she tells you not to worry about

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

me to me: focus my brain: hi, i’m thotiana from bust down thotiana, and you’re watching disney channel✨

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

me: girl who just bought a candle and is rewatching greys anatomy for the 11th time: 𝓬𝓸𝔃𝔂

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

lady: what year are you going to be next year? me: sophomore lady: wow! moving up to the big valley high school! sweeeeeeeet

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

sound cloud climate change rappers 🤝 getting worse everyday

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

nobody: girl who has a 20% promo code for overpriced shampoo: hey you!! yes, YOU!!🤩

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

4 years

damn you’re mad that college football is cancelled?? well i’m mad you’ve been going to the bars the last 4 months unmasked so let’s call it even :)

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

i get so offended when people say “you’re from iowa?? what do you even do for fun??” but then i can’t think of an answer to their question and i see where they are coming from

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

moms when they see a baby in front of them in the Target checkout line

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

i remember at the end of the school year in elementary school i would give my teachers Panera gift cards and now i’m in a 8 email long argument about how i deserved a 10/10 on my quiz from 4 months ago

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

10 years

Slide to the left..... Slide to the right.... Cha cha real smoooth http://t.co/M8kCE1Yy1N

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

8 years

the irony

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

i have the most toxic relationship with my hairstylist. she ruins my life every time, but my weak ass keeps coming back😔

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

honestly i was the kid that took 2 soccer treats saying "i'm grabbing one for my sister" but i'd eat both cosmic brownies myself i'm sorry

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

here is a series of unfortunate events: my mom went to goat yoga, got attacked by goats, and proceeded to lose a good amount of hair

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

i hate when people say “you can’t say or do anything these days” like oh yeah, i know. it’s so annoying that you can’t take advantage of women without consequences and you can’t use words that disrespect other people anymore :// we expect sOooO much!!

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

9 years

S/o snapchat update http://t.co/AdwZZwFZAm

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

nobody: girl whose friends dropped her off a $2 coffee: i have the best friends in the world entire world🤩✨👑🤷🏼‍♀️💕

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

4 years

and when i tell you my mom humbled me...

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

i hate filling out medical records because i always overthink everything. like yes i know i’m healthy but also i haven’t taken my gummy vitamins in probably 8 years so shit i probably do have rabies and mesothelioma

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

ya i have no money but i buy the 3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash so don’t even THINK about calling me financially irresponsible

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

4 years

zoom virtual happy hours sound like such a good idea until you sign off and you’re drunk, alone in your basement and sadder than before

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

WHERE DO FRUIT FLIES COME FROM? HOW DO THEY RANDOMLY PULL UP THE SECOND MY BANANA TURNS BROWN? WHO DO THEY WORK FOR?

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

real life footage of me in high school after taking my second pull of uv blue

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

My mom and dad making power moves dressing up as Donald and Melania Trump

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

4 years

didn’t know my acne was considered an essential worker but here she is, still working during this global pandemic

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

plato’s closet employees: in addition to not taking a SINGLE piece of your clothes, you owe us $39.42 and your first born son for wasting our time. oh yeah, and we get to spit in your face

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

me at 18: when i’m 21, i’m going out every night me at 21: *drinks 2 beers with my parents and 3 friends in my living room watching re-runs of parks and rec*

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

9 years

Logan Simon or Ellen Degeneres? http://t.co/S3XJcZrSS6

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

the biggest cock blockers ever were kids with peanut allergies. i couldn’t even bring an uncrustable to school without getting my ass chewed out

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

me: me after 4 beers: me after 4.5 beers: daffy duck is kinda hot

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

*gone for 3 weeks and gets replaced by a black and white giraffe*

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

9 years

Is this what desperation looks like?

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

me: *tired* cold brew:

Satan

@s8n

5 years

Wake up you dumb bitch it’s time to sin

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

business students strutting around campus, pretending their dads didn’t hand them every job and internship

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

i saw someone with a parking ticket today, so i did the nice thing and took it off their car so it wouldn’t ruin their day. it’s the little things <3

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

out with the old, in with the NEUstrom.. haha hey :)

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

9 years

When you have 6th and 8th period off but you have a 7th http://t.co/zPSwTwcNoA

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

*staying the night at a mediocre hotel with a pool* dad: *nudging you* not bad😎

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

showing up at your professor’s office asking to round your grade after they specifically said that grades are final

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

me in 4th grade: *reads at a 9th grade reading level* me now: *sounding out the word “bicycle”*

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

8 years

7th-8th grade Brett wasn't taking anyone's shit

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

i resent people who have straight teeth but didn’t have braces. you’re telling me you just OPTED out of paying $4000, 2 years of getting food stuck in your teeth, and the trauma of looking like every nerdy cartoon character?? how :) convenient :)

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

THERE IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

I thought I saw someone I knew walking so I said "holy shit you walk so slow" and they turned around and it was a complete stranger niceeee

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

8 years

Damn someday I hope to reach the level of happiness my dogs were at today

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

birth certificates are just gift receipts. you can return your baby within 30 days (if there is no damage) to get store credit at the hospital cafeteria

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

9 years

"Ames/Iowa city isn't ready for me" wow!! you must be super CrAzY!!! Ames/Iowa city will be so much crazier/different with you there!!!

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

9 years

Valley dropped over a million dollars on a new auditorium but we can't get any damn kleeex in the classrooms

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

10 years

Since I'm the only child who lives at home now... #TransformationTuesday #AllMeErrything http://t.co/b1TdLSD0JD

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

sooo cory booker shaved my dad’s head last night???

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

9 years

after 7 texts, 7 calls and calling 2 of my friends my parents found out that I asleep in my bed the whole time lol

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

friends mom: "have you been staying out of trouble?" hm you would like to know wouldn't you, Bethany. who are you working for? who set you up to this? are you going to tell everyone at book club my response? mind your damn business. but ya nothing too crazy Bethany, how are you?

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

today i started crying because i couldn't use straws.. how was your thursday? (disregard the snot)

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

*finally gets acne under control* bacne: hey <3

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

7 years

me: *yawns* random girl who wrote 1 Odyssey article and has a ton of laptop stickers: you think YOU'RE tired?!?!? I have finals AND have to write an article on what your favorite christmas song is based on your zodiac sign !!!

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

5 years

past me: *queues up my favorite song* *song plays* present me: SHUT UP. YOU DID NOT!!! past me: 😎

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

me: girl who yells at her mom: it costs $0.00 to be a kind human being✨😌👌🏼💕

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

6 years

if you tell a girl there is a cute, blonde boy in a jersey at the bars, they will have his full name, birth certificate, and his mom’s homemade chili recipe in 4.76 seconds- the FBI could never

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Brett Neustrom

@brett_neusty

8 years

RIP to one hell of a dog. I will miss you and your ability to pull off your Halloween costumes❤️