Bob Hamp @bobhamp Twitter profile

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 months

My name is Bob Hamp and I was on staff at Gateway Church from 2005 til 2014 and I want to talk about the importance of right conversations. With that topic in mind, I first want to say to Cindy Clemishire how terribly sorry I am for all you have been through. First of all as a

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 months

This is a true story. Years ago in a church where I was a leader, I was made aware of a game our youth leaders had played with the whole group during evening youth group. The game was to have several people race to see who could be the first to chug a gallon of milk Part of the

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

The pseudo Christian teaching about “ignoring emotions“ or “emotions are a problem“ is a gateway belief to tolerating or supporting abuse. If you can minimize the role of emotions you can minimize emotional safety, emotional abuse, and even trauma

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

You are not “fighting for marriage “ by demanding that people stay in abusive marriages. You are supporting abusers. You can’t create healthy systems by demanding people stay in unhealthy ones.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

Joining the chorus of therapy Twitter saying that popularizing clinical terms minimizes & distorts important psychological descriptors & exaggerates common experiences Being “triggered” isn’t being upset or bothered, it’s a return to a trauma state locked in the nervous system

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

When you tell someone to “let go of the past” When their brain function has been altered by past experiences And don’t offer a clear, effective, compassionate way to heal their brain You heap shame on top of existing shame. Don’t just tell people to change. walk it out w them

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

1 year

I’ve spent a decade watching the dynamics of abuse and helping people escape The Crowder video is not someone “making a mistake” or “being caught on a bad day” The evident coercive control and placing full responsibility on his wife is full blown abuse

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

Semi-regular reminder: Using God’s name in vain is not a commandment about cussing. It’s about attributing something to God that is not really God. Ex. Saying God is for your agenda in order to gain influence

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

People who say you should see a doctor for physical health but a pastor or Biblical Counselor for mental health, reveal that they do not understand this: Mental health is physical…the nervous system, body chemistry etc are often needing care. See someone who understands this

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

One of the most painful and perplexing things for survivors of abuse is when people treat their abusers as if they’re normal. Imagine if someone shot you and the next day your best friend invited the gunman over for tea and crumpets.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

So odd to me... it had not occurred to me to question the sincerity of a celebrity's conversion to the faith I am much more prone to question the sincerity of the faith of a long term religious leader who has been "in the faith" for decades but is still mean spirited and haughty

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

Always forgive 70×7 times. But On number 2 through number 490 set and enforce boundaries. Forgiveness was never intended to be a free pass for harmful people.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

People ask why abuse victims don’t leave Know this: The immense emotional weight they carry will multiply when they leave Friends will betray them Their reputation will be smeared Most of them know this and leave anyway.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

Not all Narcissists look brash, obnoxious and braggadocious. The more dangerous ones are smooth, captivating, charismatic and likable.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

I hate cruelty. Especially when it is disguised as theology.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

Forgiveness in no way implies a requirement to reconcile. Forgiving is about restoring the heart of the one who forgives. If you forgive someone, you are now able to make decisions about the relationship from love instead of fear. Boundaries are not a sign of unforgiveness

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

I feel the need to address an important thought process that I see often in both life and my counseling practice. I just heard another recording of a well-known leader asking a woman what her part was in the abuse she was experiencing. Nobody ever causes their own abuse.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

Honestly…I don’t know a single person who has “chosen” the path of deconstruction Everyone I know was thrown violently off the path, thrust into the wilderness or carelessly abandoned after fighting for connection They all limp badly and have a ton of grace for the wounded

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

Why does this happen? Theology guy: Drops hurtful theology take casually on Twitter Researcher (often female): responds kindly with data refuting hurtful take Theology guy: verbally dismisses and minimizes researcher while condescending to people hurt by their take

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

One of the most painful things about abuse is that the abuser refuses to see how hard the victim is working to make the relationship work The abuser views that hard work as criticism or attack No one is more loyal than a victim of psychological abuse Before they are finally done

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

An abusive person will insist that their words mean what they say While their: Behavior Lack of behavior Tone Innuendos Implications And a dozen other Covert messages Say the exact opposite. #gaslighting

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

Thread: The public conversation about response to abuse in the church has become the modern day story of the Good Samaritan Trauma Informed therapists know that an important part of the healing from abuse is to be heard, validated and supported by those in power.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

One of the most frustrating things about abuse is the reversal of the narrative The victim is blamed resulting in loss of a much needed support system The abuser is supported & believed therefore gaining even more support in their destructive behavior

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

If you know someone who appears to have “suddenly” left a relationship or situation, it’s likely you simply have not known how long they silently endured abuse & finally decided to stand up. Victims often remain silent for years. Not all abuse victims have bruises on the outside

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

One of the saddest aspects of abuse is embedded in this dynamic: manipulative abusers select their victims based on their empathy and kindness. When abusers are heard and victims are silenced, we lose the voice of goodness and kindness and amplify the voice of manipulation

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

Before the really deadly stuff began in the Holocaust, it began with a campaign to make people mistrust and eventually fear and hate one another. The next step was to get them to spy on one another and "turn them in to the authorities" Please pay attention. Please.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

Using your mind to change your mind is like arm wrestling with yourself Try these strategies 1. Look through the eyes of others 2. Practice empathy 3. Learn to hear God 4. Practice serving others 5. Look honestly at your weaknesses Do that...Your mind can’t stay the same

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

Annual reminder: many of the doctrinal positions people attribute to Scripture are actually family of origin patterns that the lower brain forces on our interpretations Renewing the mind isn’t just about learning If we don’t recognize our own lenses we will always remain blind

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

I have both Heard and said “hurt people hurt people” I don’t want to say that anymore I now want to say “hurt people have choices”

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

Most of the people I know who are “deconstructing their faith” are actually deconstructing what they were told their faith should be.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

A Thread about apologies, and how to truly rebuild connection after someone has been hurt. It is important to understand that the language of apologies tell us a lot about what is behind them. Not all apologies rebuild a relational bridge

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

You can never produce by effort That which is designed To be released Through surrender

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

2 years

It’s interesting to me that the Bible, a documentation of God’s relationship with mankind, is often used as a substitute for God’s relationship with mankind

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

Counselors, Pastors, Coaches and friends If you recommend that a victim of narcissistic (or other kind of) abuse “work out their differences” or “learn to work with” their abuser, it’s like telling them to get better at being eaten by a lion DO not judge them for their resistance

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

I’ve been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for almost 30 years If, in today’s environment you’re an author, teacher, pastor or speaker portraying yourself as a marriage expert, you should have a meaningful understanding of: A. Trauma and it’s impact B. Psychological Abuse

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

1 year

It’s the second wave of abuse that wears us down In theory everyone is opposed to abuse In realty if you make a move to get out of an abusive relationship more people will oppose you than support you Abusers don’t just manipulate their victim…they also manipulate the onlooker

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

How to grow in maturity: 1. Always assume you don’t know everything 2. Self examine motives 3. See yourself as a part of humanity and value others 4. Learn to see nuance & bigger picture 5. Take responsibility for your state and your process 6. Do the hard things 7. Have empathy

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

Last weekend I spoke to about 100 church leaders and counselors about the hidden dynamic of abuse and why helpers frustratingly often support the abuser and re-victimize the victim. You could feel the air suck from the room Let’s turn the tide.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

I am angry and sad that #BreonnaTaylor is dead and a family is grieving.... and her death gets spun and twisted and everything EXCEPT a genuine attempt at truth and justice When privilege and power don’t serve the powerless, our culture decays We must do better

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

"Hidden" doesn't just describe abuse. "Hidden" is woven into the fabric of the dynamic called abuse. Abusers don't simply mistreat someone, they create a narrative that convinces good people that they (the abuser) are actually being mistreated and is misunderstood.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

“Harriet you can’t bring these slaves 600 miles, your longest trip was only 100 miles!” Harriet Tubman “ I’m not going to stop freeing slaves just because it’s FAR! Most of you have been free so long you forget what slavery is like! I remember the sting of the whip” #HarrietMovie

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

Every time kindness is an option...choose it.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

Things that are sorely misunderstood by non-abuse victims 1. Grooming (Psychological manipulation) 2. Power Differential (Position/relationship that puts victim at disadvantage) 3. Trauma (a programmed nervous system) 4. Flying Monkeys (supporters of perpetrator, often unwitting)

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

This year I am doing EMDR therapy and working on my stuff again. I’m grateful for trauma-informed, Licensed therapists who are spiritual but not religious and willing to jump in the fray with struggling hearts and nervous systems. #practicingwhatIpreach

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

Jealousy is when others want you to be someone other than yourself in order to make them Ok.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

Being “Gaslit” is not simply being lied to or deceived. It is an ongoing pattern of mis-representing reality in a relational setting with the intent or effect of making someone question their own sanity or capacity for rational thought, or their sense of reality

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

I’m increasingly sad that we live in a world where we profess hatred for people we have never met and believe we know the hearts of people we have never spoken with.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

Often people are confused about which person is an abuser & which is the victim Most victims who allege abuse in a community end up losing that community. This means one way to discern the abuser is to pay attention to which person remains involved in the community

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

Too often people who don’t understand trauma and abuse see the victims as weak because of the effects of abuse. The same people would never think of someone as “weak” because they bleed when cut. There is no difference, other than one is the soul, the other is the body.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

over use of these terms to describe frustrating experiences minimizes the impact of these words when they really are the appropriate term We also internally & externally exaggerate our experiences & create a sense that our pain is commensurate with victims of true abuse & trauma

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

In 27 years of professional counseling, the most important thing I can say is that every person has a story that most people do not know. Please stop and listen Whatever you may see in a moment or a season makes much greater sense and is much more like you than you would think

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

If a child were beaten with a stethoscope, a wise and kind Physician would find another way to listen to their heart. When you meet people who have been traumatized by people using scripture how do you reach them with truth?

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

7 years

If a church takes the stance that divorce is NEVER acceptable they: A. Contradict scripture B. Support abusers & re-victimize abuse victims

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

Imagine finding someone’s beautiful home going up in flames. You tell people about the flames and they get angry that you are speaking ill of the home and accuse you of having a vendetta against houses. People speaking up about abuse in the church are not criticizing the church.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

This is your regular friendly reminder: much of what people consider “Biblical Doctrine” is actually family of origin patterns and ingrained cultural beliefs. There’s a reason that life giving faith begins with Thinking Differently (otherwise known as Repentance)

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

If we understood that Jesus died for who we are rather than what we have done, we might focus more on surrendering to his transforming power and less on self-managing our behavior.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

Learning about trauma should always be combined with learning about you.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

Freedom isn’t about the control of impulse & behavior; it’s about the fulfillment of identity. It is the restoration of life as the person that God created & redeemed you to be. Rather than limiting bad things, Freedom unleashes the good things for which you were made #TDLeadD

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

7 months

“All have fallen short…” is not in the same category as “some are predatory or abusive “ The former is not a reason to defend the latter

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

I love our country But as long as: our systems protect the powerful and abandon the weak women have to fear & fend off men while knowing the system will blame them people face racial inequality and a system in denial We are not yet the “Land of the Free”

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

8 months

Do you find it interesting that so many large religious organizations, or prominent religious leaders end up with sexual abuse scandals? I wish it were not true, but the sexual issue is a feature and not a bug of religious organizations. Here are some reasons. When I reference

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

Being a Narcissist is not simply about being self-centered. It is a pervasive and chronic state with an exaggerated sense of self-importance It relates to others with a vampire-like need to consume others (either admiration or hatred) emotions for their sense of being

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

Spiritual maturity is not indicated by what you know, what activities you commit to, or how long you have committed to them. Spiritual Maturity is indicated by how much those things have made you see, think, respond & relate to others like the Author of all Spiritual Life, Jesus

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

Seek first the Kingdom and everything else will be added. Whatever you seek first (give most of your attention to...) organizes your soul. Your soul then organizes your life. To What have you granted control of your life?

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

It’s so crucial in this season to intentionally structure your beliefs based on what you are for, not what you are against. Focus feeds your soul.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

We ALL misinterpret the Bible in some way The belief that you have the “right” interpretation is itself a misinterpretation The questions to ask are 1. By what bias do I interpret? 2. What do I believe about Gods nature? 3. What will be the actual results of my interpretation?

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

Abuse as a whole doesn’t remain hidden simply because it is disguised well. It remains hidden because many (including professional helpers) already believe they understand it. False “knowledge “ prevents the search for understanding. Abusers count on this strategy

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

If you are a counselor, a pastor, a motivational speaker, or just a friend, DO NOT question a victim about their role in being abused DO NOT recommend they go back and try to manage the abuser’s behavior. This strengthens a deadly dynamic. Ask instead what they need to be safe.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

Using God’s name in vain has little to do with “cuss-words” and much more to do with attributing things to God that are not really God. The cruelest version of this is to claim God’s will or God’s Word as a way to subjugate a person or people group.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 months

@CaptScrub The list is frustratingly long, includes whole denominations and a who's who of "famous" people.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

The reason that victims of abuse eventually leave is that they evaluate all the losses they will face when they leave (and they are huge) and they realize that none of them compare to the ongoing and complete loss of self that comes from staying.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

2 years

@sheilagregoire Teachings I wish we could erase and reset 1. Men are visual 2. Men always think about sex 3. Men’s sexual drives = “needs” 4. Men just aren’t very emotional 5. Women must be aware of “how men are” in order to prevent problems

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

“Abuse” is not someone being mean to someone, or even simply behavior Like addiction, abuse is a complex pattern of emotional, psychological and behavioral expressions wherein one person or group avoids all responsibility while placing all blame on another person or group

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

The highest use of God given authority is to use it to protect and promote others. When we use our authority to protect and benefit ourselves it is no longer God's authority we are using.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

I keep reading things about what we can do to expand God’s Kingdom. I have to think this over, but I think humans can’t do anything. God’s Kingdom IS Expanding with or without us...we can only choose whether or not we participate

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

Something I would love to help clarify: Counseling and Therapy are not about “advice” People are seldom stuck or suffering for lack of advice. The brain...the soul... they are rich and complex. We need healing and the ability to operate compassionately in the deep places.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

Tuesday whether your candidate wins or loses we are each still responsible to manage our own soul. The choices we make at the polls are important, but the choices we make in our hearts for the next four years are more important.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

@DefendTheSheep I stopped at "this is to motivate a man to be nice to the girl..." let me join other male voices to say we are more than this. We are "nice" because of honor, respect, love and value for others. If men "need sex to remind us to be nice" we are but beasts to be pitied and mocked.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

7 years

The drift toward narcissism begins with the belief that you are the main character in every story you know. There is great peace to be had when you find your supporting role in other people’s stories.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

When helping people change don’t look to outward standards and urge them to conform. Instead discover who they are and help them become.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

In the days of social media when everyone has a voice, the result is that no one has a voice. Ironically Jesus never said, "to those who have a voice, let them speak". Instead He said "to those who have ears to hear, let them hear"..

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

7 years

During WW2 millions of people were systematically killed off by people who were once their neighbors. They didn’t begin with murder they began with propaganda. If you have growing hate for a people you weren’t upset with two years ago, consider that you might be being manipulated

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

Watching the Princess Bride Fezzik to the man in Black: “why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned with acid.?” The man in black “no, it’s just that masks are terribly comfortable...I think everyone will be wearing them in the future...” #2020

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

1 year

It's maddening when people think that shining a light on abuse in church is "criticizing the church" The reality it is revealing those who have infiltrated the church as a cover for their predatory personality

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

When counselors or pastors mistake abuse for a “two-sided conflict “ they try to reconcile a victim with a perpetrator This mistake leads helpers to assume the victim is hard-hearted or out of line because they have a healthy boundary They support abusers and re-abuse victims

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

One more time in 2020: I hate cruelty, but especially when it’s disguised as theology

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

I find myself longing for the early days of my faith Church was small, simple &filled with real relationships Communication was relational,not broadcast to the world Kindness &common sense seemed common I hadn’t seen cruelty among believers yet My expectations of me were simple

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

During the days of Jesus life and ministry He engaged two groups of people 1. A group of religious leaders who believed they were defending Gods ways 2. Those in need because they were sick, oppressed or in need of Freedom

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

7 months

@BethMooreLPM @megbasham Wow @BethMooreLPM …this one of the best Christlike, relational responses I can even conceive. So well and kindly worded, so generous to someone I assume has approached you in an adversarial manner. It’s a masterclass in remaining compassionate and thoughtful in an environment

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

“Unlearning” allows us to always see God and reality in new ways. When we willingly pursue unlearning we partner with God in “repentance “ (Thinking Differently). When we resist unlearning our faith is easily shaken because we cling tightly to what we “know”

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

8 years

Just Finished reading #ThePolygamistsDaughter by @annaklebaron .. the story pulls you in and then hands you hope! Can't wait til it's out!!!

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

5 years

We set up a dangerous dynamic when we confuse “ministry” with “inspiring people”. The ability to set captives free, bind up the wounded and heal the broken-hearted is not the same as the ability to use a platform to make people feel and think things. The gospel restores souls.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

4 years

I am tired of Cruelty and Insensitivity disguised as theology I am tired of words manipulated into provocative headlines I am tired of people in authority taking for themselves at the cost of those they have authority over I am tired of seeing people manipulated into division

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

I have been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for 30 years. Almost daily I am reminded how much we multiply our pain when we avoid healthy grief.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

1 year

2 types of abusers The overt abuser: clearly aggressive & unkind. Their abusive behavior is on display The covert abuser: publicly kind or even impressive. Gains respect even honor. Can be just endearing The 2nd is more dangerous because they fool & therefore abuse more people

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

8 years

I would like to make a new rule; If you disagree with someone online you must have coffee w them for 1 hour before you can respond publicly

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

7 years

Six months ago I began to eat vegan. My doctor had said I would take cholesterol medicine the rest of my life because of genetics. I just walked out of my doctors office with normal cholesterol lower blood pressure and higher testosterone. All without medicine.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

6 years

When abusers are celebrated for ceasing abusive behavior, this feeds the cycle. They get their good feelings from others, instead of from becoming healthy Real change looks like empathy for their victim, responsibility taking & voluntary compensatory behavior over time.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 years

When an abuse victim goes public in any way they do so already knowing they will lose. They will lose relationships and they will lose reputation No victim comes forward for gain, except to regain their own sense of personal strength and to regain their voice.

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Bob Hamp

@bobhamp

3 months

There is a path by which the abuse victim becomes a healer There is a path by which the abuse victim finds Peace There is a path by which the abuse victim becomes the abuser The way always matters... we all must choose our path

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