Matty @bestestname Twitter profile

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

Sesame Street did not adequately prepare me for what the streets of New York were really like.

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Matty

@bestestname

4 months

We just need to invent a straw that lasts a little bit longer than 4 seconds but still less than a million years

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Matty

@bestestname

2 months

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again The Fashion Industry: No.

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Matty

@bestestname

5 months

I know you're not supposed to play favorites, but everyone has that one stovetop burner that they love more

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

My dog says we don't have to go to the vet for shots, because rabies is a hoax.

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

Check in on your werewolf friends today. They are not ok.

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

Don't forget to beat yourself up about something that happened 20 years ago today

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

My son has started saying "bro" and I have to remind myself that I love him unconditionally

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

Aioli is just mayonnaise that keeps talking about what school it went to

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

Life hack: Assume the worst and then immediately get angry about it

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

Angel: You want them to rest every night? God: 8 hours. Completely unconscious and immobile. Angel: And then they wake up completely refreshed? God: No.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

I'm sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

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Matty

@bestestname

1 year

Can't. Typing a password into a tv.

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

@alexgmurd I once bought tickets for the right day in the wrong month. Did not notice until I was just about to leave for the airport

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

My five year plan is to quit my job and eat wild blackberries

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Matty

@bestestname

2 months

A lot of people saying to buy more than one, but clothes are expensive, and I don't always know how much I'm going to love something at first

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Matty

@bestestname

10 months

Twitter is like: funny joke funny joke funny joke HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE funny joke funny joke angry guy who didn't get the joke

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

Parenting is repeatedly helping someone while they look at you like you're an asshole

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Matty

@bestestname

2 months

Me: I need 3 screws Hardware Store: HERE IS A PACK OF 50. KEEP THEM IN A DRAWER UNTIL YOU DIE.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

1991: Never take rides with strangers 2021: Here is an app for taking rides with strangers

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Matty

@bestestname

3 months

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

Surprise your boss by going on a vacation they approved

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Matty

@bestestname

3 months

Peanut butter on chicken: wtf is wrong with you Thai peanut sauce: OH FUCK YES

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Matty

@bestestname

19 days

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

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Matty

@bestestname

1 month

Wtf is my dishwasher doing for 2 hours?

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

We didn't forget. We all still talk about that time you tripped in front of the whole class. There's a group text about it.

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Matty

@bestestname

26 days

I feel underqualified to be the only one preventing forrest fires

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

Going to only apply anti-aging cream to one side of my face and see what happens

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Matty

@bestestname

9 months

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY Me: You *just* ate Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

Don't let "science" tell you what you can and can't look at

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

It turns out that "chicken soup for the soul" is just whiskey

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

Going to put a "Student Driver" sticker on my car and just drive however the fuck I want

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Matty

@bestestname

8 months

I'm laying down. Fucking amazing. Would recommend.

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Matty

@bestestname

11 months

It's that time of year when we have to decide how to pronounce "pecan". Everyone pick a side.

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

The average American spends 6.8 years of their life watching little bits of The Shawshank Redemption on a hotel TV

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

SciFi Future: Everything beeps and blinks. Actual Future: How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

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Matty

@bestestname

7 months

Forget burner phones. I need a burner credit card.

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Matty

@bestestname

9 months

Downward Dog should be called "Oh, BIG Stretch"

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

The first person to think of circumcision must have been VERY persuasive

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

Every jar of Vaseline is a lifetime supply

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Matty

@bestestname

1 year

Grew up believing that you had to be completely silent from noon until 3:00 on Good Friday. Any time I've mentioned this to anyone since then, they have no idea what I'm talking about Well played, mom

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Matty

@bestestname

7 months

@cheygoulet I'm on the internet! Don't pick up the phone!

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

He died how he lived: trying to take a sip of coffee while laying down

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

I still don't understand how birds have sex with bees

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

A good measure of how happy you are is whether you want birds to shut the fuck up.

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Matty

@bestestname

8 months

I've been eating healthy for two days. WHERE ARE THE RESULTS?

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Matty

@bestestname

7 months

It's not French toast unless you use your tongue

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Matty

@bestestname

7 months

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a "good guy" and I think he might be in the mob now

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Matty

@bestestname

1 year

I lied. I didn't tell anyone you "said hi"

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Matty

@bestestname

8 months

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

Me trying to type "fuck" on my phone.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

SciFi never predicted the clothes of the future would just be sweatpants

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

Do you ever feel like you are standing in line behind people who have never ordered food before?

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

Sorry about the mess - people with immaculate homes

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

As a kid, they teach you phonics, but then make you sit next to a kid named Sean.

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

Accidentally made a relatable tweet, and now 22 year olds are explaining the 90s to me

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

So apparently it doesn't count as a "ride along" if you are under arrest.

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

Who is keeping Triscuits in business?

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Matty

@bestestname

1 year

@NoContextBrits Basil, Nigel, Liam

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

Having a favorite color has not been nearly as important as I was lead to believe

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Matty

@bestestname

6 months

Me: tries to focus Brain: there is chocolate in the kitchen

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

They say that winning the lottery ruins your life, but I'm willing to risk it

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

Before you speak, always stop and consider how boring you are first

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

I think we'll be safe from the virus at the old abandoned camp by the lake.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

20 minutes: I have plenty of time 15 minutes: OH SHIT

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

I don't play Wordle is becoming the new "I've never watched Star Wars"

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

Hung a poster in my 5 year old's room: LEARN TO READ, ASSHOLE And now we wait.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

Find someone who wants you as badly as ios wants to update

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

2020 is so bad, I actually keep forgetting about the pandemic.

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

Santa was the original contactless delivery.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

You don't have an old soul. You just have an English degree.

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

Nirvana is closer in time to The Beatles than Nirvana is to now

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Matty

@bestestname

7 months

Jack Black has an inappropriate amount of confidence

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

I say "whoa" a lot for a man with no horse

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

Cards from children always look like ransom notes.

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

@HinemanBobbie @_IHateEvery0ne "Neighbor"

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Matty

@bestestname

7 months

One minute you're young and cool, and the next, you're pointing out every tree you see with cherry blossoms

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Matty

@bestestname

10 months

We need a twitter feature that just explains why something is trending

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Matty

@bestestname

1 year

We used to answer the phone and have no idea who it would be

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Matty

@bestestname

11 months

It turns out all melons are blind

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

I know almost nothing about Pete Davidson, but I feel like eventually it's just going to be my turn.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

Pete Davidson's house.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

Starting April 15th, only verified accounts will be able to use vowels in tweets

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

I'm just saying that if I hired a carpenter, and he started telling me how to live my life, I wouldn't be forming a religion around it

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

I don't even want to be Pete Davidson's girlfriend, but someday, it's just going to be my turn

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

I'm just saying, I would use a tiny microwave in my car way more than the glove box.

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

Crap. I think I just stood in the wrong line.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

Don't mess with me. I will give your child a whistle. idgaf.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

Gen X is the best generation because there are only like 4 of us

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

This is a picture of my son in his ninja costume.

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Matty

@bestestname

2 years

You can just buy pie whenever you want. They don't even check your license.

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Matty

@bestestname

3 years

I thought rice cakes were just a story made up to scare children

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Matty

@bestestname

4 years

An app that tells you what they were typing but didn't send.

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