bertie @bertiebrandes Twitter profile

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 months

i am the london writer girl cockroach, other writer girls come and go, i stay forever

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 months

feel like this should be bigger news idk

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

21 days

ah yes shaving as a radical form of counter cultural body modification (for women)

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 months

@BornSlippy96 ew

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

guess she was busy ! haha :) x

Flora Gill

@FloraEGill

5 years

The thing I’m going to miss most about mum being an mp is being able to spy on her live in parliament and then watch in real time as she reads and ignores my messages 😂 @AmberRuddHR

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 months

please stop quote tweeting this as if i don't get a period myself, research like this means doctors might actually be forced to *****listen to women***** literally what is with the responses

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 months

half the replies are people sharing really genuine pmdd stories and the other half are people acting like i just got hit on the head with a giant frying pan lol

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

this is how we socially distance in my building 😂

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

@jeremycorbyn jeremy this is gorgeous

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

@thedalstonyears @misszing i really empathise with u but surely it's the guardian's responsibility to develop a robust and secure business plan that protects its workers. encouraging people to pay for content that is already freely available does not strike me as one ....

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

19 days

an absolute masterclass on using “provocative” imagery to reinforce bogus body policing

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

life hack! delete uber and deliveroo off your phone for ‘ethical reasons’ and then make someone else pay for it every time

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

1 year

i am living beyond my means🤩

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

this is the ONLY TIME I WILL EVER SAy this lol but ..... mom and dad

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

the shortest, saddest story ever written

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 months

hey google what stage of her cycle was sylvia plath at when she died

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

hetty douglas modelling a supreme nike "work jacket" has to be the most brazen move of 2018

6'2shin

@2SHIN

6 years

STREETWEAR IS INNATELY RACIST AND CLASSIST AND ANYONE WHO CAN AFFORD IT IS IMMEDIATELY SUS

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

sorry but at 23 you’re old enough to contact the airbnb host and get another key

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

9 years

oh FFS READ IT FIRST you gannets #womenonlycarriages http://t.co/XojABh9nWL

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

10 years

Now I'm single I swear at people I'm thinking about an unbelievable amount under my breath. I just called my roast chicken a prick.

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

sally rooney is jane austen via &otherstories

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

8 years

my palms are sweaty knees sweat arms are sweaty there's sweat on my sweater already I'm too sweaty

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

so major lol the qanons are posting about i-D - fashion publishing has never been so relevant !

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

an absolutely beautiful day to leave the @UKLabour party

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

why are the painfully mediocre daughters of famous people so obsessed with proving they've had sex before. either get your lips done and release a decent sex tape or grow up . so pathetic

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

7 years

when u meet me irl and realise somethin just not quite right

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

in this interview with my two favourite icons who definitely hooked up after btw marilyn descibes himself to nigella as a vagina-tarian

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

and they used paper straws . we have so much to learn from the past

New Scientist

@newscientist

4 years

Did Neanderthals bury their dead? New evidence from a 50,000-year-old skeleton found in Iraq suggests they did

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

2 years

I've been off social media for over a year now. Recently I've been thinking about ways to write online that might capture more of the complexity and messiness of real feelings. This is one attempt, along with some thoughts from life in the offline abyss :)

Through the looking glass | bertie brandes

www.bertiebrandes.xyz

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

everyone’s a smug cunt until u open the window and immediately burst into tears

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

10 years

Wow cool thanks for letting your teenage audience know that leaving leg hair natural isn't even an option #missvogue http://t.co/0krIH8be4f

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

8 years

cigarettes are hot and look sexy and haters need to accept this and move on

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

7 years

it's official, skating is mainstream now

AFP News Agency

@AFP

7 years

#BREAKING Prince William and Kate expecting third child: palace

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

the most flawless scam of liberal feminism has been ‘empowering’ women to spend £100s on makeup waxing and exercise classes and then forcing us to pay for our dinner and drinks as well. a Joke??

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

fragrance forums still the only good writing left on this planet

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

really such a beautiful day in london and an amazing backdrop to the last day of my 20s i mm still in bed at 6pm looking out the window btw

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

7 years

your boyfriend? yeah he's already here

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

9 years

Thought of the day from @PrivateEyeNews http://t.co/e5KPYgTCYh

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

19 days

representation is meaningless in the age of campaign culture

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

3 years

once i have sledgehammered my brain cells on twitter i love to head over to Insta for an unbearable dose of spiritual pain

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

8 years

sooo this happened 🙃

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

everything happens for a season

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

for halloween i am going as a successful freedom of information request that requires everyone to release the actual sales figures of their book

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

9 years

I wish I could console Nick Cave and family in any of the countless ways he always consoles me in times of sadness. Such an awful tragedy.

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

when you say you can’t vote for corbyn you say you think that homeless people freezing to death over night and children starving through lunch breaks at school in this country is the lesser of two evils. think seriously about which side of history you will be on.

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

same day delivery means u can’t even enjoy the elaborate selling theatrics of capitalism u just pay and then the tat appears on your desk no need to even remove ur sweaty little trotters from the misery keys

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

shall i out the pedophiles of my youth ???? #indieamnesty

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

hi everyone. after the immense success of my facebook housing group Rooms with FriendsTM i decided to make a map of all my favourite places to eat in london - here it is for u all to fave and enjoy (NB im a north londoner obviously)

Food with Friends - London - Google My Maps

my favourite places to eat drink and be broken up with in london

www.google.com

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

7 years

Oh no

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

9 years

My entire 20s under a Tory government. What a fucking embarrassment.

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

NORTH LONDON IS KING

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

i’m basically carrie bradshaw but with no friends or column

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

already worn my look of the decade and it’s only jan 1st 👼

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

it’s upsetting every time an american pronounces niche Nich

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

8 years

#KeepCorbyn

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

barely named creatives posting 5-part threads like 'someone i DIDNT fancy tried to kiss me once' and people in the comments are seriously replying "Sending love 😔"

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

we’re all like fully aware that white people using the black emoji signs is like 100% full body cringe right ?

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

7 years

take advice from me, i'm currently crying on the overground without a coat

i-D

@i_D

7 years

A girl’s guide to surviving social media after a break-up by @bertiebrandes :

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

1 year

everyone please pray for my vice invoice

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

3 years

putting on outside clothes for a zoom meeting so it doesn’t look like u just woke up

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

looks are nothing if u dont have the manipulative behaviour patterns to match

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

u know what happens this week? all the corbyn-sceptic liberal journalists realise they’re out of touch and write columns about how important it is to vote labour. it happened last time and will happen again. spineless irrelevant vultures. :)

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

cant decide if i want my future son to be amazingly cool so i low key fancy him for my whole life or like a beautiful roly-poly dumpling who begrudgingly agrees to be my best friend for my whole life

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

9 years

Waitin for u to text back like

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

self-care, skincare, exercise and self-acceptance all emphasise the lie that it's possible to live peacefully in a system which routinely humiliates u, fucks with your gut health, drains you of vitamins, starves you of purpose. no i don't read slumfl;ower sorry.

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

maybe we should stop mass farming animals in the most disgusting way possible :)

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

asking my therapist for a discount as my problems arent that bad

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

mushpit is shortlisted for a design award at the design museum alongside some actual buildings lol

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

@EstherMcVey1 you are a murderer

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

if u can’t handle me at my in bed all day then u don’t deserve me at my in bed all night

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

my two moods

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

perfume reviews are the only good writing left online

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

last night i met a rock star with a face tattoo who had never been to pret

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

9 years

wrote dis

i-D

@i_D

9 years

A girl's guide to being 25 and single: http://t.co/u2TLoWGgcA http://t.co/sKMbMtxtnN

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

is it too early to order a pizza to work and crumble a xanax over it

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

all straight men wear hoodies the day after they have sex

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

baby names list!:)

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 months

@deweyfrog <3

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

we are undergoing such a deeply pleasurable razing of dunces. imagine tweeting about abortion rights in 2k19 but refusing to publicly endorse labour. imagine publishing quirky books about feminism but reFUSING to endorse LABOUR. these people must know right.. like. they're done??

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

dear God when will i stop dating boys whose favourite food is ketchup

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

27 days

my kitten’s body smells like unbrewed tea leaves, a white sugar cube and a ream of uncoated paper, and his head smells like a bouncy castle and a tiny bit of hard boiled egg

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

i am truly floored by your experts “answer” @guardian a second orgasm LoL jfc

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

*creative 1* millenials tweet a lot about wanting to die *creative 2* i can work with that

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

people who put their rollie in their mouth as they stand up to get off the tube: get a life

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

keir starmer looks like ham ice cream

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

8 years

interesting how black man/white woman still the only culturally acceptable mainstream version of progressive values

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 months

@davidehrlich putting the idf in idgaf

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

today from pret i treated myself to a lukewarm square and a miniature circle

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

7 years

new twitter makes it so hard to read my own tweets aka the only reason i literally come on here

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

6 years

"Find me a person who wouldn’t wear a pig tail butt plug to live rent free in London and I’ll show you an idiot." I wrote about why we all want a Daddy for @i_D

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

2 years

if your child is screaming you should leave the restaurant :)

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

seems like a sensible pivot thanks @GOVUK

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

8 years

STAY ANOTHER DAY JEZ don't make me go home and change 😒 #keepcorbyn #CorbynStays @jeremycorbyn

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

8 years

this Guardian image caption no

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

7 years

imagine if your type was "average height dude in new vans" you would literally drown in dicks

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

shagging in broad daylight in clissold park as my essential daily exercise

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

5 years

fake your own polls 🥊

Jo Swinson

@joswinson

5 years

Write your own headlines 🥊

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

having two ribs removed so i can give marilyn manson head

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

imagine going back to your parents' house for quarantine... lol. as if u still have a bedroom there. absolutely mad.

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bertie

@bertiebrandes

4 years

didnt think it was possible to detest this government more but the +4000 stranded lorry drivers missing xmas with no access to basic facilities is an indignity that only bonafide psychopaths would be willing to inflict, and all bc of bureaucratic complacency . horrifying !

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