Bart @bartandsoul Twitter profile

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Bart

@bartandsoul

2 years

No one at this dive bar gives a crap about my pedicure

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Bart

@bartandsoul

6 years

My daughter lost her shoes and my wife broke a nail so apparently I’m an asshole.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

2 years

Adulthood is when you constantly diet and exercise so you can maintain being 20lbs overweight

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@bartandsoul

4 years

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat” Me: “Santa died”

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

If you put peanut butter on a rice cake you can throw it farther

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

If my wife is in the shower eating cake and crying, should I assume everything is fine?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

6 years

If your wife has the flu, how long should it take her to prepare dinner?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

2019: I wish I could lay around in my underwear and watch tv all day 2020: lol

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

We don’t get any trick-or-treaters so I stand at the end of my driveway and throw Jolly Ranchers at passing cars

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Bart

@bartandsoul

2 years

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Quarantine day 1: This is nice. We can watch a lot of movies and enjoy each other’s company Day 5: You walk too loud

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?! Me: Soup W: That’s Queso dip!! M: Cheese soup

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

I would rather my daughter cook meth than make any more slime

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

A book club, only we eat pizza and do shots until we pass out

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Dog: “I will love you unconditionally” Cat: “BEHOLD!! ‘TIS MY ANUS!”

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Just drank a large dark roast coffee at Starbucks and I’m pretty sure I can outrun a deer

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Bart

@bartandsoul

6 years

Kids today will never understand the paralyzing fear of calling a girl at home to ask her on a date, and having her father answer the phone.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Kid Rock is trending. Did he bathe?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

A new Coldplay song came on the radio so I pulled over and set my car on fire

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Chuck E. Cheese goes bankrupt and pink eye is immediately eradicated

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

I honestly don’t know if I can go back to shoes, pants, and not day drinking

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

So if your woman is in a bad mood ask her if she thinks she might feel better if she dropped a few pounds

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

“Your bidet makes my butt sticky.” “Sir, this is an Arby’s and that is our coke machine”

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

Apparently at age 50 men start growing eyelashes on their ears

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

I now refer to a bathrobe as my “skinny jeans”

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

2020 is like being barefoot and discovering where your cat threw up on the carpet

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Cop: “Why are you driving so fast?” Me: “I hate to keep your mom waiting.” *tasing sounds ensue

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

What base is it when she throws all your stuff onto the driveway and sets it on fire?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

I got the second dose of the vaccine and now I can change tv channels with my mind

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

My wife bought a new broom and I asked her if she preferred riding English or Western and now I’m staying at a Hampton Inn

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

Gonna call my 94 year old grandmother and convince her she broke Facebook

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Me, getting ready to relax at home after a hard day at work *pulls boxer shorts through armhole of shirt like women do with a bra

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Bart

@bartandsoul

6 years

Been married 26 years and the wife sent me a sext: It said “don’t forget to go to the grocery store you asshat.” But I know what she really meant.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

If I was an actor my specialty would be gaining weight for a role

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

I had a salad for lunch is this CrossFit?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Camping in my 20’s: “I feel like I’m one with nature. I can’t imagine anything more rewarding.” Camping in my 50’s: “I hope to God a snake bites me and I die.”

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?” *inventor of the RV

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

Turns out a loaf of Velveeta fits perfectly in a Peloton cup holder

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Got a steroid shot at the dr and then I drank two Red Bull’s and now I can eat barbed wire

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Bart

@bartandsoul

6 years

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project. She turns 15 on Sunday.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

I’ve never been the drunkest person in a Walmart

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

“This tv show fucken sucks!” Boss: “This is a Zoom meeting and please put on a shirt”

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Sometimes I call Snapchat the “Snapster” just to make my teen daughter cry

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

2019: no carbs 2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Foreigner came on the radio and my hair immediately parted in the middle

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Functioning alcoholism is to 2020 what Keto was to 2019

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Homeschool day 21 Daughter: Can you believe my teacher was drunk again? Me: Oh no! That’s awful, sweetie. Daughter: You. It was you.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

*Me, carrying a bag of poop Her: “What kind of dog do you have?” Me: “Dog?”

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

It’s time to face the important issues, like why the hell is there a “d” in Wednesday

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

I wonder if my 17 year old daughter and her friends will think my new banjo is cool?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Not to brag but I’m definitely closed casket material

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Then: Gym at 5:30am Now: Breakfast wine

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

How many of my cats should I bring on this blind date?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Spice up social distancing at the park by eating chocolate pudding out of dog poop bags

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

My pharmacy gives out a $10 gift certificate when you get a flu shot so I’ve been getting at least one a week for months I’m very dizzy

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

The CDC recommends you rub some dirt on it

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

If you wear nothing but a Speedo and snake boots to the first PTA meeting they’ll leave you alone for the rest of the year.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

I just bought a Mtn Dew and a Slim Jim I think I’m now legally required to start a fist fight

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

It’s as if no one in this grocery store has ever seen a Speedo

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

My wife started an argument when I lovingly suggested that perhaps her irrational hostility was caused by menstrual cramps

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

A morphine drip. Except it’s queso

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Wanted: someone to feed me chicken wings like they are grapes No weirdos

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Bart

@bartandsoul

2 years

Welcome to middle age. You now have a good ear.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Halsey announced that she’s pregnant and all I could think was who the fuck is Halsey?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Then: When I grow up I want to be an astronaut Now: I wish more of my pants had a drawstring

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Bart

@bartandsoul

6 years

Then 5yo daughter: Holds my hand. Sits besides me on sofa. Hugs me when I leave for work. Now 15yo daughter: Inconsolably furious because I wore a cap.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

70’s porn My shower drain 🤝 Wow! That’s a lot of hair!

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@bartandsoul

5 years

Viable excuses for not going to the gym: -overslept -pulled muscle -couldn’t find a parking spot close to the entrance -might have a headache -climate change

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

I’m “I just bought Kleenex to keep in my car” years old

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Bart

@bartandsoul

2 years

Me: I have a Black Belt Her: Karate? Me: Faux leather. 40”

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

So if my wife is really angry at me should I tell her to “calm your tits!” and call her by her mother’s name or nah?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Facebook is for family I deleted Facebook

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

This bacon cheeseburger better have a safe word

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Marriage. Because you didn’t know that you wanted to get rid of your favorite recliner

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Bart

@bartandsoul

6 years

Tonight I’m going to be productive and get a lot of things done. *drinks too much wine and tries to teach dog how to talk.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

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Bart

@bartandsoul

6 years

My wife unfollowed me

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

I just assume the passengers in my car want to hear me announce the gas prices at every station we pass

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

No touching. This is my wife’s favorite virus

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

I took the day off of work and unbeknownst to me my wife also took the day off of work so I decided to go to work

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

This grocery cart handle tastes like hand sanitizer

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

So if you say “can you be a bit fucking louder?” while you’re watching tv and your wife is preparing dinner you get to eat at Subway

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Turns out you can tweet from the fetal position while crying

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

I show my wife who’s boss by not making up the bed when she’s out of town but I don’t tell her because she would be very upset and no one wants that LOL

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Bart

@bartandsoul

6 years

90’s: Concerts, travel, party all night! Now: Has a favorite pen.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

3 years

I tore my ACL at the Sizzler buffet

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Bart

@bartandsoul

5 years

Me asleep with an imperceptible nose whistle, wife makes me go to the guest room. The dog snores, farts, growls, and drools on the pillow, wife makes him the little spoon.

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

If you walk on all fours in the grocery store social distancing is not an issue

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Imagine choosing to go camping

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Legally you’re not allowed to listen to Journey if your Camaro doesn’t have T-tops

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

You ever look around and think “fuck all of these conveniences and comforts! Let’s go camping!!”

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

Things went to crap when they took cigarette lighters out of cars

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Bart

@bartandsoul

4 years

I’m going for a run and by run I mean brisk walk and by brisk walk I mean a DQ Blizzard.

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