Crack twist on the “pls send your cutest delivery boy” pizza order:
Bangtan pizza shop gets a badly misspelled delivery app note from their favourite regular Koo saying “pls don’t send the hot pizza guy I am super sad and drunk tonight and might try to climb them like a tree”
Yoongi’s had the same stylist for years, has gotten used to Koo’s gentle hands and pretty eyes. He’s had a crush on Koo for just as long.
After months of being away for work, he tries to book an appointment, only for Koo to burst into tears and throw him out when he shows up.
Koo has a tiny crush on the gorgeous boy next to him on his regular bus home, who spends their commute reading on his phone.
One day Koo peeks at what he’s is reading, expecting something intellectual and classy…
Only to see filthy boyxboy smut fanfics of the band Koo stans.
“All of you,” Koo sobs into the phone, words slurred. “Why are all of you hot. It’s a pizza place, not a modelling agency. And why is your pizza so good, I have to go through so much gay panic for your meat lovers. You guys can’t be both hot and make good pizza. It’s cheating.”
“You’re not harassing us,” Joon assures. “We’ve been flirting with you for months. We weren’t even subtle. Tae literally used salami to spell NICE ASS on your pizza once.”
“…I thought you guys were calling me an ass. That green pepper looked like a comma so like… ‘nice, ass.’”
Imagine NamKook being really cute childhood friends. Toddler Koo looked up to his smart hyung with the prettiest smile, and Namjoon adored the little baby bun who has the galaxy in his eyes.
One day Joon came over to play and found Koo crying.
“He’s so dumb,” Tae sighs loudly. “But so pretty.”
“I knew it, you guys think I’m dumb,” Koo sobs. “Nobody loves me.”
“I—did you not hear the pretty part? Are you doing this on purpose?” Tae whines while Jimin smacks the back of his head, scolding him for upsetting the baby.
The sex with Jungkook was great, but there was one thing about it that drove Yoongi crazy: Jungkook never stayed.
Even after hours of marathon sex, Jungkook would shake himself out of his daze, grab his clothes off the floor and vanish into the night with a quick “bye, hyung”.
Manager Jin calls to clarify. “Hi, Koo? We got your order, and you obviously meant me—“
“He meant me!” Jimin yells as he puts the pie in the oven.
“But since it might affect our customer service metrics if we get it wrong, who’s the hot pizza guy not allowed to deliver to you?”
He keeps rambling, to the endearment of the crew listening on speaker. “Every delivery feels like the start of a porno and I have to jerk off and my pizza gets cold and it’s still better than other pizza. I hate everything. Except pizza. I love pizza. And your stupid hot faces.”
“Okay, but if all of us are hot pizza guy, and you don’t want us to send hot pizza guy, none of us can bring you pizza,” Hoseok explains patiently.
Koo cries harder. “Why does the world hate me? I just wanted pizza and to not sexually harass you guys while I’m drunk.”
Cutie Koo adorably asking Yoongi for “kith, please, hyungie?”
Yoongi teases “But only good boys get kisses, bun”
Pouty Koo (he’s the BEST BOY) says “YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER”
10 mins later Jimin in glasses informs Yoongi that his client Koo is suing him for defamation
“Baby,” Yoongi murmurs into the phone, voice so soothing that Koo’s tears subside into sniffles. “You aren’t dumb. Just really, really bad at realising that we’re in love with you.”
“You’re what.”
“In love with you.”
“What.”
“…okay Tae’s right, you’re doing this on purpose.”
Koo blinks. He’s way too drunk and hungry to process this. “…can you please just send the least hot of you guys with my pizza?”
“And which one of us is that?”
“…fuck, you’re right. You guys are all equally too hot. The universe hates me. I can’t have pizza. Goodbye forever.”
Namgi dads getting it on, but they get interrupted by the police knocking at their door. Their toddler Koo saw Yoonie all tied up and screaming while Joon was spanking him and thought daddy Joon was hurting daddy Yoon so he called the Korean ver of 911 🥺
Koo tries to flirt with Yoon by making a gc with the hyungs and he’s like “rate my thirst traps 🍆👅” claiming he’s going to send them to someone and needs their feedback.
The hyungs go “omg that vid is 🥵 Koo” and “wow choke me daddy” but Yoon is just “the lighting is nice.”
Yoongi just got dumped by his sub, who spreads rumours in the local bdsm community that Yoongi was bad at sex/domming.
Yoongi’s dongsaeng Koo finally figures it out after seeing his favourite grumpy hyung depressed for weeks and sees the hateful, mocking messages on his phone.
“Koo, do not hang up—“
Koo hangs up.
He curls into a puddle on the floor, lamenting his existence.
No pizza.
No hot boys.
Just him and the small sensible part of his brain screaming he can never go back there now that he’s humiliated himself with his drunken confession.
Koo is a Little but he’s too scared to tell anyone.
Even his best friend Hoseok, who he always wished could be his caregiver.
And who he’s been in love with for the longest time.
(Christmas Hopekook, Little space, some internalised self-hatred for being a little, sfw)
He’s still mourning his tragic life when the doorbell rings. “If you’re here to rob ‘n murder me, don’t make me get up, door’s open,” he mumbles. “Jus’ come in and stick the knife in my back, it would be a mercy. Nothing valuable here though. Except maybe my questionable virtue.”
Bang PD-nim: so what should we do for MMAs?
Jungoo, whispering to Namjoon: ʰʸᵘⁿᵍ ᶦ ʷᵃⁿⁿᵃ ᵖᵉᵗ ᵃ ᵖᵒⁿʸ
Namjoon: Uhhhh we’re going to need horses. For... artistic reasons.
A smell hits him. His eyes fly open.
“Hi,” Jin says, kneeling beside him, holding a slice of pizza under his nose.
The entire crew is behind him carrying huge stacks of pizza boxes.
“Got some meat lovers for our lover. You know, assuming you want to be our lover.”
They carry him to bed where they feed him pizza and tuck him in, leaving water, ibuprofen, and a note on the nightstand.
“You stole a pizza our hearts. ;) call us when you’re sober, let’s go on a date.”
And that’s how Koo ended up with 77 pizzas and 6 boyfriends. 💕
~End~
“B-but what about the pizza place? Aren’t you guys still supposed to be open?”
“Technically we’re still on the clock,” Yoongi says. “If they’re paying me minimum wage, I’m giving them minimum professionalism. Fuck capitalism, I’m going to confess my love *and* get paid for it.”
Koo buys one of those vibrators that vibrate in time with music, and for a whole week he gets off on the Agust D mixtape... unfortunately he didn’t foresee developing a Pavlovian response and getting hard every time he hears Yoongi’s voice
Yoongi: “What’s the penalty for calling him a bad boy anyway?”
Koo: “Hyungie’s punishment will be to give Koo lots and lots of kisses every day!”
Yoongi: “YOUR HONOR I PLEAD GUILTY—Koo get your cute butt over here so I can kiss you already”
For the sake of his ailing father, omega Koo, the sole child of his family, runs away and disguises himself as an alpha to take his place in the military draft.
He never comes back.
A dark ABO Mu1an AU.
Tw: mindbreak, drugging, noncon, brainwashing, dumbification somnophilia
Cute, shy little Koo secretly still believes in Santa Claus. For Christmas he wishes that Santa will give him his first ever boyfriend who will be sweet and kind and love him.
(He’s been a Very Good Boy all year so he really hopes Santa will give him what he wants)
“W-what do you mean, lover,” Koo says, wide-eyed.
Joon pets his hair. “Koo. We love you. We would happily let you climb any and all of us like a tree. And if you’re sad and drunk we want to be there for you, so you won’t be sad. Can’t do anything about the drunk part though.”
Au idea: Jungoo being the biggest fan of famous rap group Cypher deciding to become a sugar baby in order to buy their new deluxe album and his 3 new sugar daddies turn out to be the members of the group themselves
(This is just blatant wish fulfilment fic 😭 please)
Finally Koo seats him, scowling at his damp waves. Yoongi tentatively attempts to cheer him up.
“It’s a mess now, but I know you can fix it,” he encourages. “You’ll cut my hair so well, Koo.”
Then Yoongi smiles at him, hoping to wipe the pout off his face.
Koo stares, frozen.
Fifteen years later, standing in front of guests, with Officer Park and Mr. Hobi in the crowd, Namjoon and Koo held hands as they stared into each other’s eyes and slipped rings on each other’s fingers, marrying each other for the second time.
(And the honeymoon was in France💕)
“You brought me pizza,” Koo says, tearing up. “You guys brought me so much pizza…”
Jimin winced. “Um, you kind of… ordered 77 pizzas on the app. And prepaid with your card.”
“Oh,” Koo said, deflating.
“We’ll let you use our employee discount,” Tae offers, patting his head.
There are posters of him in salons all over Seoul, with “We Refuse Service” printed on them.
“Oh my god, Koo was right,” one of them says, staring at his hair in a daze. “How dare you.”
“I’ll triple your rate,” Yoongi begs. “Just clean it up a little so Koo will see me again.”
“Come on, let’s get you up,” Hobi says, lifting him into his arms. He pauses. “…why are you hard.”
“I told you, I jerk off every time you guys deliver me pizza,” he whines. “Now I get hard when I smell pepperoni, it’s Pavlovian, and anyway it’s your fault for being so pretty.”
The room is dark when Hoseok opens the door. There’s a Koo-shaped lump buried under a small mountain of blankets and pillows on the bed.
The air is heavy.
Quiet.
There are days like this.
“You were supposed to—to—not do that!” Koo yells. He deflates, voice softening. “You were supposed to… stay here.” He looks away. “With me.”
“I do want to stay with you, Koo,” Yoongi says, taking his hand.
Koo looks up hopefully.
“I mean… you’re the best stylist ever.”
Jungoo is riding the train, staring out the glass of the train doors when he hears little gasps beside him. He turns and sees a pretty boy biting down on his lower lip, trying desperately to keep quiet as another man rubs him through his pants.
Tw: noncon, molestation, chikan
“What did I do?!“ Yoongi yelps through the glass door, gaping as Koo locks up the salon and flips the sign to closed.
“Your *hair*!” Koo wails.
Yoongi winces. It had gotten pretty overgrown since he hadn’t wanted to go to anyone other than Koo to cut it. “That bad?”
“That bad?! THAT BAD?!” Koo screeches. “MIN YOONGI. THE AUDACITY.“
Yoongi’s heart sinks. “I… I’m sorry?”
“You should be! Leave! Now!”
“Okay, I’m… I’m just gonna go, then.” He pushes his hair back in frustration and completely misses Koo’s desperate whine at the move.
Yoongi: “If I’m going to be tried in court shouldn’t I have a lawyer too?”
Hobi volunteers for the job! Hobi: “May it please the court. My client is a bad, bad man who cruelly slandered Koo, the world’s most precious baby boy, but—“
Yoongi: “Never mind I don’t need a lawyer.”
Yoongi tries to go to a different salon, hoping they’ll at least fix it enough so that Koo won’t be so offended the next time he goes to him.
(He just wants to see Koo again 🥺)
Unfortunately, the hairstyling community is very close… and they’ve all already heard from Koo.
Impromptu birthday thread for our darling golden maknae!
Warnings: some internalised homophobia, light(?) angst, Jungoo having All The Feels, OT7
One thing Koo always looked forward to on his birthday was the Bangtan birthday tradition: each member would kiss the birthday boy.
I got into trouble for the way I was eating my lollipop earlier so... time for me to write fic!
Object insertion, foodplay, dirty talk, pretty gross, Jimin messing with Koo, clueless Jin
Koo couldn’t take his eyes away from Jin’s mouth as he sucked on his strawberry lollipop.
They all refuse. Yoongi gets desperate.
Koo intercepts before he can board the train. “Where are you going?” He demands. “Oh my god. A ticket to Daegu? Were you trying to leave the city to get your hair cut?”
“You blacklisted me everywhere in Seoul! What was I supposed to do?”
Jimin: “plaintiff calls Kim Taehyung to the stand”
*Taehyung swears on Yeontan to tell the truth*
Jimin: “Mr. Kim, can you confirm that our cutie pie maknae is, in fact, a good boy?”
Taehyung: “Kookie is a good boy and I have here a list of 1000000 reasons why he is”
Jungkook and his boyfriend Yoongi are in line at a fansign to meet Kook’s idol, famous rapper Namjoon. Kook is squirming and dancing around like every other fan, but it’s not from excitement.
Kook really, really needs to pee.
He wakes up the next day in the center of a cuddle pile, covered in come. “Good morning, Kookie,” Joon says, ruffling his hair. “Can you suck me off before practice?”
Koo nods and obediently fills his mouth with Joon’s cock.
He’s glad that everything is back to normal.
-End-
Yoongi: “I was joking!”
Jimin: “Your Honor, we would like to manifest that the defendant is a big meanie”
Jin acts as court stenographer and writes “Yoongi is a big meanie” in a notebook
Namjoon comes in wearing a black bathrobe. “I’ll be the presiding judge for this case. Counsel for plaintiff, call you first witness.”
Yoongi: “are you guys seriously doing this???”
After he gets Koo all cleaned up, Yoongi casually asks Kookie if he still has the vibe.
“U-um yes, but why, hyung?” Kookie mumbles, face flaming as he admits it.
“Well,” Yoongi says, a predatory smirk on his face. “Joon and Hobi have mixtapes too, baby boy.”
Maknae line concept: Koo‘s flat is next to VMin’s. His thirst for them is equaled by his frustration at their dog who keeps him up barking and whining all night.
He’s tried to confront them but it’s hard. They’re so pretty and his brain just goes offline when he sees them.
(But that was okay because Koo decided to talk to all the kids at preschool and get them to ask their parents instead. If they all worked together they’d find out what this sex thingy was for sure.
His daddies always told him teamwork made the dream work after all!)
-End-
“But hyung—“
“This is fake, remember?” Yoongi reminds him, looking away. “There’s no need to go that far.”
“You’re not actually my sub, Kook.”
“Oh,” Koo says. “I mean. Yeah. Of course hyung.” He tries to smile. “You’re right.”
Koo walks away not knowing why he feels so cold.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and Bangtan was facing a crisis. They arranged for one of the producers to call Jungkook away before an emergency meeting was convened in the kitchen.
“Guys,” Hobi said grimly. “Jungkookie still refuses to write his Santa wish list.”
“Now where’s my little baby, hmm?”
Taehyung pretended not to hear the giggles from underneath the mound of plushies and blankets on their bed. “Oh no, daddy’s sweet bun is gone! I can’t find him!”
He sighed dramatically. “Guess daddy will have to be sad and lonely forever.”
“I can see the marks. You don’t have to cover up for him,” the policeman tried to reassure him.
Yoongi facepalmed. “... we’re just kinky, okay? There must be some mistake. I didn’t call the cops.”
“It was a child’s voice on the phone.”
Yoongi’s eyes widened. “Oh no.”
Imagine someone telling Joon that “k word” means “kiss” and the next time Jungkook posts something cute and gushy about Joon he decides to flirt back by saying “haha stop it before I k word you” and Kook deletes the post and avoids him 🥺
After four years of being the perfect couple, spending silly and sweet anniversaries in each other’s arms, and living together in their cozy apartment, Namkook decide to give up.
They decide that they don’t love each other anymore.
Koo brightened. “Lets go, hyung!” He clambered out of bed, still in his pink bunny pjs. “We gotta sneak out cause mom says I have to stay in bed while I’m sick.”
They crept stealthily out the back door, ready to walk to France and get married and be together forever~
“Hobi-hyung from daycare said that if adults say they’re playing a game and they make weird noises on the bed and I’m not allowed to play it’s a sex thingy and that’s how you make babies.”
Koo pouted. “B-but daddies have me! I’m baby! Don’ need ‘nother baby! N-no sex allowed!”
Koo squirms in his chair, trying (and failing) for the millionth time to get comfortable.
Not for the first time, he wonders why the hell he can never say no to Jin.
Tags: omorashi, desperation, degradation, human urinal, kinda manipulation, under/non-negotiated kinks
Koo is silent as he washes Yoongi’s hair.
“Koo? Is everything okay?”
“Of course! Everything’s perfect! Why do you ask?” Koo chirps, eyes wild.
“…we’ve been conditioning for an hour.” And he loves Koo’s fingers in his hair, but Koo looks one more rinse away from a meltdown.
He has no idea why Koo looks so disappointed.
“Okay,” Koo mumbles. “Cool, I’m gonna be… the best stylist ever. I’m gonna be totally professional. I’m gonna…” he forces the words out. “Cut your hair for you.”
He follows as Koo marches him to his salon, too confused to protest.
Jungkook sleepily waddling to the table in the mornings in an oversized shirt and boxer briefs, too sleepy to get his own breakfast so he just pouts until the hyungs feed him bites of theirs~
D/s OT7 AU with SubKook
Hurt/comfort, nsfw
Tw: depressive thoughts, self-loathing
(Sorry for the angst)
Jungkook's just had the worst week of his life and all he wants is to be broken down and taken apart by the other members until he can forget what a failure he is.
Concept: Hopekook AU where Hobi is dating shy little Koo who blushes every time they kiss. It’s Koo’s first ever relationship and Hobi is determined to make his first time good.
Small problem: Hobi doesn’t have much experience of his own.
...or any experience, to be honest.
Yoongi is silent for a moment before he exhales and squares his shoulders.
“Baby wanted to play with hyung’s toys so bad he forgot how to follow orders, hmm?”
He picks out a vibrator and velvet-lined cuffs.
“All right, my little sub. Hyung will grant your wish.”
“Now kneel.”
Koo smiled at him fondly. “You shouldn’t joke about proposing, hyung. I’m dumb—“
“Yah! Don’t you dare call my boyfriend dumb.”
“—so I might take it seriously.”
“Take it seriously,” Yoongi said, kissing his cheek. “Will you stay with me for the rest of our lives?”
RaplinexKoo (onesided unless I decide to go beyond Koo just being a horny baby with a crush)
It was Yugyeom who put it into his head. “The thing with rappers is that they kiss how they rap.”
And Jungkook can’t stop thinking about it whenever he watches his hyungs.
“Where’s France?” Koo asked, frowning. “Is that far?”
“I looked it up on a map, see?” Joon pulled out a world map triumphantly. “Look! Here’s Korea and here’s France, I only had to move my finger a little so I think we can walk there. And we can ask for directions on the way!”
Chaebol son Sj getting cut off by his family, now unable to support his sugar baby Yg.
To keep his lifestyle (and Yg), Sj signs up to become a sugar baby too.
Enter innocent, self-made billionaire Jk who accidentally signs up to be his sugar daddy one drunk and lonely night. 💜
(Kook’s hyung is quite proud of himself when they start video calling every night and meeting up on weekends.
When Koo had told him what he’d wanted from Santa, his hyung had immediately invited Jin home to visit.
Koo deserved it. He’d been such a Good Boy all year, after all.)
“My brat. My boyfriend and my baby,” Hobi whispers, kissing the top of his head.
“My boyfriend and my dada.” He snuggles in closer. “My Hobi.”
“My Jungkookie and my Koo.”
Koo’s heart soars as they hold hands all the way to Joon’s house.
Best non-denominational holiday ever.💕
“...if Koo isn’t home, who are you?” It sounds like Yoongi is trying not to laugh, which is SO RUDE when Koo’s having a total meltdown.
“I’m. A burglar.”
“...a burglar.”
“Yes.”
“And you’re robbing this place with IU’s discography on full blast.”
“That’s my heist playlist.”
The first thing he registered after waking was the crack of a palm against his cheek.
Tw: OT7 (Namkook focus), violence, noncon, kidnapping, mindbreak, manipulation, orgasm denial, isolation, dp, allusions to bullying
“Yeah,” Koo whispered, kissing his cheek. “I’ll stay.”
💜 Ends here 💜
Thanks for reading! Special thanks to
@darnlogicc
for giving me Yoonkook on a sad day, the spark that birthed this thread.
Support my angsty loving feels over here:
Avengers-verse AU where Bangtan exists as our same lovable, talented dorks in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
And then The Snap happens.
One by one he watches his hyungs disappear...
And only Jungkook is left.
His phone rang. “Speaking of which, that must be my husband,” he said. “Excuse me, Namjoon-ah.” He flipped it open. “Hey baby. How’s my Jiminnie doing?”
Namjoon’s eyes lit up. Mr. Hobi had married his baby! And Koo was Joon’s baby so they could get married!
Crack Namkook concept: Kookie shamelessly exploiting his Namu-hyung’s love of the environment/nature for his own nefarious hormonal purposes 🥰
Koo: “Hyung think about how much water we could save if we showered together!”
Thinking of overworked employee Koo working from home during the pandemic, who has back to back video calls with his mean bosses all day, every day. His job is insanely demanding and he struggles to keep up with everything. He has no time to eat or sleep or... well.
To pee.
Koo looks down at his feet, hands anxiously twisting in his lap. “Koo didn’ know Santa not know littles. S-so... maybe that why Santa not give Koo dada?”
His voice gets very small. “Is not cause being little ‘s bad?”
“Bun? Can you open the door? It’s Yoongi-hyung.”
He looks down at his clothes. He’d wanted to be comfy while moping so he‘s in booty shorts and a pink sweater and knee socks and a lil clip in his hair and YOONGI??? HAD SEEN HIM???
“K-Koo’s not home!” He yelled back in panic.
“Are you fucking serious?” Yoongi exploded, because after months of silence he couldn’t take it anymore. “You’d rather go out in that storm than stay one night?”
Koo blinked at him, shirt still in his hands, then in a very small, uncertain voice asked, “I’m allowed to stay?”
Koo gapes as Yoongi continues. “And I know there’s someone you like, the guy you were sending all those photos to. So I didn’t want to burden you with my feelings. I’m trying to get over it. I promise I’ll try not to be creepy or anything, just. Can we stay friends?”
“...No.”
“Hi. This sounds crazy and uh, please ignore me if you think I’m being creepy but. Can I buy you a book?”
Koo looked up from the hardcover he was browsing to lock eyes with the most beautiful man he’d ever seen.
[Tooth-rotting, sfw, awkward pure wish fulfilment Namkook fluff]
“I mean, you can,” Yoongi blurts out, befuddled.
“Can what?! And don’t say cut your hair—“
“You can lock me in your bedroom forever. You could do that,” he mumbles, blushing. “I would let you.”
“You… would?”
“I… I kind of think I would let you do anything, actually.”
They got the scolding of their lives that night, their parents crying from relief. Koo had to stay in bed for a week, but he took his medicine without complaint. Joon slept over every night, cuddling his new “husband”.
They were married now and they would always be together.❤️
Koo peeked out from his blanket nest, hair adorably mussed. “R-really?”
Joon nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! We have to go to France and get married and I’ll get you a ring then we can be together forever cause you’re my baby! Then we can be together forever!”
“Junghyun-hyung is a poohead.” Joon retorted. It was the meanest thing he could think of. “We’re going to be together forever!”
Koo sniffled. “Promise? You’ll come over always and p-play with me and you’ll give me hugs and we can nap together?”
“Always! Pinky promise!”
(Another random floof)
Koo Koo is a shy baby but he just wants to be cuddled and petted and adored by his hyungs. Luckily they’re all experts at handling their tsundere maknae when he’s craving their attention but refusing to ask for it out loud.
(Which is... all the time.)
“Hurts, hyungie,” he whispered, coughing and sniffling. “A-are we there yet?”
Officer Park interrupted before Joon could say anything. “Yes,” he said decisively. “You boys made it. This is France.”
A tiny smile lit up Koo’s face. “W-we made it!”
And anyway, why did they have to wait until they were older? They were going to be together *forever* so waiting was just silly. Forever should start *now*. He had to marry Koo right away and fix it so that Koo wouldn’t be sad anymore!