Asterios @asterios Twitter profile

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

BIG WINNERS COMING THROUGH

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Last Seen Profiles

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@adullt_videos

@ineverwillgaf

@WolfChefOrsutin

@kittycones

@beograd

Asterios

@asterios

7 months

college actually makes you less liberal because you meet a bunch of other liberals and they annoy the shit out of you

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Asterios

@asterios

3 years

just made my last student loan payment! i'm 39 go to community college, kids

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

this guy needs to spend 10,000 hours shutting the fuck up

New York Post

@nypost

2 years

Malcolm Gladwell slams working from home: 'What have you reduced your life to?'

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Asterios

@asterios

8 months

. @mcdonalds I brought my entire collection of McNugget Buddies to my nieces and nephews to play with They had never heard of McNugget Buddies and did not want to play with them I would like a refund

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

twitter update: it now takes extra steps to call someone a shitlord

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Asterios

@asterios

4 months

i’ve never heard a trans person say “DID YOU ASSUME MY GENDER??” or any of that shrill shit. they just talk about video games

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Asterios

@asterios

7 months

great news: i got offered a job without even being interviewed! all i need to do is buy a new Macbook Pro (which they will reimburse me for)

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

the new saddest story does it in four

Mike Bong

@WeirdBongs

2 years

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

Spongebob episodes will be silly as hell then have one shot like this

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

UPDATE: Sirancha has agreed to a Monster Mash themed wedding

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

wow god's plan sucks shit

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Asterios

@asterios

6 months

Variety

@Variety

6 months

Who Should Play John, Paul, George and Ringo in the Beatles Movies?

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

podgirl and her e-boy boypod

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

S U P E R S O D E (art by THE @_mimiyori )

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

USED CHROMECAST TO MAKE THIS GYM BASED AND URKELPILLED

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

it's easy to forget, but the people upset about student loan relief were exactly as upset by: -mr. potato head -superman's kid -the green M&M -me taking a shit on their lawn in a fursuit + yelling "i'm making a mess, somebody punish me" -starbucks cups -a cheerios commercial

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Asterios

@asterios

8 months

Female Thoughts

@realthoughtsfem

8 months

A man who has been through adversity is very attractive.

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

once, i worked for brand twitter there was a school shooting whenever there was a school shooting we'd "pause on social" went the morning meeting boss said: "we can no longer pause on social. there are too many school shootings now. if we paused every time, we'd never post."

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Asterios

@asterios

10 months

OH MY GOD IT’S A BROKEN LEG NOT A FUCKING HOVERCRAFT THEY BILLED ME TWICE AS AN EXTRA FUCK YOU

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

@foryourhealthoh @daddykev @kittaveli this is just their standard rider, though. you're so insulted that they didn't delete one line about hotel rooms that you put them on blast four years later?

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

i suppose in the end, it wasn't the monkey who was stupid

More Butter 🧈

@morebuttertv

2 years

Seth Green’s Bored Ape NFT, which was set to star in its own animated show, was stolen through a phishing scam. Green no longer owns the commercial rights to the NFT and thus the show cannot move forward. 🔗:

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

HEY STAND UP COMICS YOU KNOW YOU CAN HAVE A "TAKE" ON THINGS OTHER THAN TRANS PEOPLE RIGHT

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

i thought this was a parody account it's actually him

Neil deGrasse Tyson

@neiltyson

2 years

The Hulk is Green from a potent, accidental dose of Gamma Rays. Actually, Bruce Banner would have died within days from organ failure.

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

“One hairline, please.”

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

hey hobbits, here's a "quest" for you: get a fucking job

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

THE LOUDEST PODCAST #159 : The Foxwoods Casino Adventure Art by THE @_mimiyori ! !

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

so i've spent all this time masturbating for nothing???

DiscussingFilm

@DiscussingFilm

2 years

Velma is finally confirmed to be part of the LGBTQ+ community in the latest Scooby-Doo film ‘TRICK OR TREAT’.

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

Hey! If twitter dies, here's where you can find me: hell. I'll see you in hell.

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

Why do people love TikTok? It’s just video after video of women in their underwear talking about how much they love older men

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

why are the only good photos of me for gambling website verification??

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Asterios

@asterios

3 years

please stop tagging me in this

Sad Ice Cream Truck Clown🇵🇸

@AndrewHilaryUS

3 years

By age 34 you should have: 1. A failed podcast 2. A failing podcast 3. A new podcast ready to launch 4. A gun

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

reminder: in florida, an alligator ate a child at disneyland and we all just moved on

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

Just ONCE i want someone to write: “I had an affair because I met a really hot girl who wanted to have sex with me. I destroyed that pussy like it was my own family. I will now go away until you forget about it.”

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

this is not the time. the queen has fallen. have some rrespect

Hitsuji 🐑

@hitsujigoods

2 years

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

People screaming about the FBI raid screamed just as loud about the following: -Dr. Seuss -Lightyear -Uncle Ben & Aunt Jemima -The New $20 Bill -Me texting them 14 photos of my balls and going "the balls are in your court" -Keurig Machines -Nike Sneakers

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

ITT we post our favorite anti-Putinshill memes

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

it's subtle, but there's a slight reference to an indie game in this month's sticker from @_mimiyori can YOU guess what the game is? @AckkStudios

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

wow this guy sucks shit

Elon Musk

@elonmusk

3 years

Baby Doge, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Baby Doge, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Baby Doge, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Baby Doge

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

The fuck did Ben Shapiro need a $20,000 PPP loan for? To buy a bigger asshole?

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

i will buy the rights to dilbert for $19

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Asterios

@asterios

3 years

But the other 8 are now super into Joe Rogan

CONSEQUENCE

@consequence

3 years

15 out of 23 monkeys implanted with Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain chips have reportedly died:

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

not cool jesus, get your own heroin

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

remember when i said convenience stores in NYC sell goku weed & i got called a liar well

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

"Woke? More like.......... *slowly takes off sunglasses* "...........bad." *seven minute standing ovation*

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

james corden gets banned from a restaurant = thousands of hits i get banned from arby's (indecent exposure + "too chatty") = zero attention??

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

hey disney adults: mickey would hate you for being poor

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

should i climb the salesforce tower dressed as pro-choice spiderman

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

oh hell yeah Count Chocula has a socialist niece

Discontinued Foods!

@Snack_Memories

1 year

Possible pre-emptive Bookmark?...And now we know the new character's name! Thoughts on the name/concept? Likelihood of an appearance on this account in the coming years?

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

That's it: until further notice, Russian oligarchs are banned from my improv shows

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

I...have a mode?

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

prison has not been kind to CWC

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

hey you know you can leave twitter without telling us right

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

the best part of being old: i had no idea who andrew tate was and still don't

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

oh NOW they want to wear masks

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

RT if you’re not seeing Barbie or Oppenheimer, not out of any particular malice, but because going out seems like a hassle

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

TALLARD 👏 HAS 👏 ENTERED 👏 THE 👏 NEST

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Asterios

@asterios

3 years

if joe rogan can't say the n-word, that puts us on a "slippery slope" to other people not saying the n-word

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

from listener michael

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

Protip for globally famous millionaire comedian Jimmy Fallon: if you’re going to be a dick to everyone who works for you, AT LEAST MAKE A GOOD TV SHOW

Rolling Stone

@RollingStone

1 year

EXCLUSIVE: Sixteen current and former staffers say Jimmy Fallon’s erratic behavior spoiled their “dream” of working on The Tonight Show. “You never knew which Jimmy we were going to get and when he was going to throw a hissy fit.”

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

yeah no shit, sherlock

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

GET FUCKED ZOOMERS, BOOMERS WIN AGAIN WE WILL ***NEVER*** LET GO OF THE CULTURE

Clerks

@ClerksMovie

2 years

A couple of old pals in a couple of days. Don’t miss the trailer for Clerks III on July 6. #Clerks3

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Asterios

@asterios

5 months

we had a school assembly announcing the verdict of the OJ trial and nobody believes me everybody clapped, it was really weird

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Asterios

@asterios

6 months

uh, it’s called cozymaxxing?

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

i fucking HATE these guys

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

where were you the day freedom of speech died

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

don't you people get it if elon musk buys twitter, we can all finally leave

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

Mermaids aren't real. But racists are. Pretty powerful tweet, right? Bad news: it was written by A.I.

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

new TLP out TO-NITE!! also: does anyone know how to get cheap chinese ring light out of one’s glasses

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Asterios

@asterios

10 months

i tried little ceasers for the first time at age 41 it was incredible all these years without it…wasted… …what do i do now?

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Asterios

@asterios

9 months

new studio's finally done!! anyone know how to get wrinkles out of an aliexpress porg flag

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Asterios

@asterios

4 months

conservative caricature of trans people: "i hope someone MISGENDER so i can do a YELL at them!!!" actual trans people: "could goku beat one punch man? i made a google doc to discuss this"

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

my advice to biden: stop posing for photos in front of gas prices

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

imagine being the dilbert guy and you’re walking down the street and someone calls you dilhole and you just have to take it

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

@burgeroise @JabroniSean i thought the tiger balmb killed her???

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

After 18 years, I finally paid my student loans off in February. Republicans keep saying it's "unfair" to me that I paid and others didn't. Well, then put forward legislation to cut me a fucking check!

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

finally, a batman movie

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

do we though

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

we will adopt your baby

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

Wanna feel old? It's been two months since Baby Gronk became the new Drip King

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

pussy so bomb it made me lose focus on my family and have a consensual workplace relationship

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

at least SOMEONE remembered

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

both his forms are useless

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

king shit

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Asterios

@asterios

6 months

wouldn’t have happened if you were listening to my podcast, dan

Dan White

@atdanwhite

6 months

This is why you don’t listen to podcasts while driving. Last thing I remember was laughing my fucking ass off at “Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me!”, next thing I know I woke up 11 days later. Lucky to be alive.

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

can't believe biden took every medal off every troop, then melted them into one big medal, then gave it to james corden

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Asterios

@asterios

7 months

timuoxi cha le mei

@ch1cken_t3nder

7 months

everyone tap in. let’s see you at your lowest.

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

hey kids! in case you're wondering how fucked your generation is, we can't even agree if a rocket exploding is "good" or "bad"

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Asterios

@asterios

7 months

i went to a s*x party and all your favorite youtubers were there…richard astley…the lofi girl…full episodes of kitchen nightmares…that fake car commercial with the zombie jump scare…compilation of all Roseanne opening sequences (seasons 1-8)……..all of them……………

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

the closest we will get, sadly

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

late as always

U.S. Postal Service

@USPS

2 years

mail

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

the fuck is wrong with zoomers

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

hey @elonmusk im one of your kids you didn't know about, send me some cash love, blorpbloop

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Asterios

@asterios

2 years

POV: seconds before you're kicked out of the polycule

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Asterios

@asterios

7 months

you don't have to like taylor swift. you don't even have to respect her. but you damn sure have to respect her. and if you don't like her, i'll tell your boss and get you fired. don't test me on this

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Asterios

@asterios

7 months

I also had trauma after seeing The Eternals

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Asterios

@asterios

1 year

new: red flags that float

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