Tomatoes are the most patriotic plant. Because botanically, tomatoes are a fruit. But according to an 1893 Supreme Court ruling, they're a vegetable. And there's nothing more American than a legal decision that disagrees with science.
An audience member threw a full beer at
@Ariel_Comedy
’s head mid-set and it was not fun in any way shape or form but she closed it out like a fucking champ and that’s the only kind of actual brave I’ve ever seen a comedian be
So we're clear, I'm still writing jokes about the beer can incident not because I'm trying to capitalize on it, or bc I think that's all I have going for me. but because it was a genuine trauma that I'm still processing (I didn't sleep for 4 days) and I do that by making jokes.
I honestly have a lot of sympathy for Kanye. We both unfairly blame the Jews when we're having a mental health crisis, it's just that for me it's more specifically geared towards my parents.
I'm performing the ceremony for my friend's wedding this weekend. I'm absolutely going to work in a line about how you never know what life will throw at you.
AOC: I feared for my life, so I hid and now I'm talking about my trauma.
GOP: BULLSHIT
Cops: I feared for my life, so I killed an unarmed kid.
GOP: Dude, totally understandable, don't even worry about it.
Last night a guy in the audience passed out right before my set, and I was like, I got a beer thrown at me last week. It's going to take at least ten more of you to faint before I'm even remotely phased.
Adults should get to go trick or treating where we all just give each other extra cleaning supplies and items of clothing that we keep meaning to donate.
Seeing cops on the subway without masks is ridiculous, since they're supposed to enforce masks on riders. That's like if they were supposed to stop murders, but instead, they themselves went around murdering -- oh.
This painting is in my hotel in Austin and I'm pretty sure she's trapped in there, waiting for someone to come along and take her place in the painting.
Ah, the writing process. Drink two cups of coffee, hammer out one paragraph, spend two hours in the bathroom, delete the paragraph, scroll Twitter, tweet about the writing process, try again tomorrow.
I'm really bad at taking hints. Once in college, I stayed in the dorms over spring break, watched 3 seasons of The Deadliest Catch, and read The Bell Jar. It still took me like 8 more years to realize I might have depression.
I posted a picture of my Covid test to explain why I cancelled a show, and a bunch of people thought it was a pregnancy test. So now I'm trying to figure out if people don't know what it means to be pregnant, or if they don't know what it means to do standup.
Still thinking about Stephanie, the customer service rep for USAA who asked what I did for a living, thought I said "Canadian" instead of "comedian" and just went with it, asking what that entailed and how what the hours were like as a Canadian. Give her a raise.
Facebook is sponsoring the Olympics. They're like, wow it's really beautiful to see the world come together and put aside their differences that we caused.
People didn't realize that FDR was in a wheelchair when he was president. So that means there had to have been one conspiracy theorist in the 1940s who was like, guys, I know this sounds crazy, but have you actually ever seen him walk? I don't think the president can walk.
IN YOUR 20s: I was gonna workout, but then I got high.
IN YOUR 30s: I was gonna workout, but then I pulled a muscle in my back getting up from the toilet.
Someone should make Streeteasy for renters, where renters can leave comments on listings about what it was like living there and dealing with the landlords.