Ariel Elias @Ariel_Comedy Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Here's the clip

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

Anytime I have to show proof of vaccination and my ID, I wish they had just microchipped me.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Fwiw the club is pressing charges against the guy and booked me to come back in April.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Tomatoes are the most patriotic plant. Because botanically, tomatoes are a fruit. But according to an 1893 Supreme Court ruling, they're a vegetable. And there's nothing more American than a legal decision that disagrees with science.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I'd really appreciate it if anyone could please just let my teachers know that chugging a beer has in fact been great for my career.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

To answer the most obvious question, yes, I did pick up what was left of the beer and chug it.

gianmarco

@GianmarcoSoresi

2 years

An audience member threw a full beer at @Ariel_Comedy ’s head mid-set and it was not fun in any way shape or form but she closed it out like a fucking champ and that’s the only kind of actual brave I’ve ever seen a comedian be

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

My rapid test turned positive so quickly it actually felt rude.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

After my set, Jimmy Kimmel asked if my career had gotten a bump from all this. I was like, yeah, actually, I just did Kimmel.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

4 years

Yesterday, all I had to do was write three sentences, so instead I baked for five hours.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Stop asking Jewish people when Hanukkah is. We don't know.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Here's the set!

Jimmy Kimmel Live

@JimmyKimmelLive

2 years

The stand-up comedian who dodged (and drank!) a MAGA beer can makes her late night debut! @Ariel_Comedy

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

We could have prevented this Sex And The City reboot by simply voting for Cynthia Nixon for governor. There is blood on all of our hands.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Mostly jealous that the UK can take 6 weeks to realize that they've made a mistake but women in the US can't.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

So we're clear, I'm still writing jokes about the beer can incident not because I'm trying to capitalize on it, or bc I think that's all I have going for me. but because it was a genuine trauma that I'm still processing (I didn't sleep for 4 days) and I do that by making jokes.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Thank God I'm not lactose intolerant because I am really going to milk this.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Putting makeup on before 11am is so much worse than having a beer thrown at me.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

@jimmykimmel Can I make my late night debut on your show?

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Everyone saying I'll get herpes from drinking from that can: jokes on you, babes, I already have herpes.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

It's very funny to me that some people think I set up this whole thing as a publicity stunt. As if I've ever been able to plan literally anything.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I honestly have a lot of sympathy for Kanye. We both unfairly blame the Jews when we're having a mental health crisis, it's just that for me it's more specifically geared towards my parents.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Elon Musk wants users to pay for verification. That way we, too, can experience pointlessly wasting money on Twitter.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Watch @JimmyKimmelLive tonight

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Me right now

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

This experience has really taught me to trust my gut, and to fill that gut with beer.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

@abbygov I'm sure I will inappropriately cry randomly in like 6 days

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

ME: Do I have -- RAPID TEST: Yes bitch

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

Negotiated my rent down by $175. This is the closest I will ever come to owning property.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

My husband said if things keep going well, he's gonna get to buy a second pair of jeans.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I hate how some people are saying that my success is the best revenge against that heckler. It's total erasure of my ex boyfriends.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Genuinely mad he and I have anything in common.

Alien Truther Wildwest

@wcgroovy

2 years

Beer flies at Ted Cruz during Astros World Series Parade

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I'm performing the ceremony for my friend's wedding this weekend. I'm absolutely going to work in a line about how you never know what life will throw at you.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

AOC: I feared for my life, so I hid and now I'm talking about my trauma. GOP: BULLSHIT Cops: I feared for my life, so I killed an unarmed kid. GOP: Dude, totally understandable, don't even worry about it.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

@rabartlett I'm pretty sure it was unopened, which is why it exploded when it hit the wall

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

People say this feels just like March 2020, but in March 2020 they gave us money to stay home.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I feel like that Van Gogh painting should have chugged the soup.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Renting in NYC

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Monday

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

There were more sexual abusers in the cast of Silicon Valley than women.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

@anylaurie16 @GianmarcoSoresi He ran out of the club immediately after throwing it

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

It takes me like 6 weeks just to write an abortion joke.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

You should unfollow me for this.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Last night a guy in the audience passed out right before my set, and I was like, I got a beer thrown at me last week. It's going to take at least ten more of you to faint before I'm even remotely phased.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Adults should get to go trick or treating where we all just give each other extra cleaning supplies and items of clothing that we keep meaning to donate.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

Comedy is like tennis. It's just you, alone, working and grinding for years. And then some 18 year-old comes out of nowhere and ruins your whole year.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

House of Representatives doing a good job showing that when everyone votes, a Republican can't get the majority.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Elon Musk is the only person who could buy Twitter and then spend all day getting owned.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

Seeing cops on the subway without masks is ridiculous, since they're supposed to enforce masks on riders. That's like if they were supposed to stop murders, but instead, they themselves went around murdering -- oh.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Man what a week to be on my period

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Ah, the writing process. Drink two cups of coffee, hammer out one paragraph, spend two hours in the bathroom, delete the paragraph, scroll Twitter, tweet about the writing process, try again tomorrow.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

This painting is in my hotel in Austin and I'm pretty sure she's trapped in there, waiting for someone to come along and take her place in the painting.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I'm really bad at taking hints. Once in college, I stayed in the dorms over spring break, watched 3 seasons of The Deadliest Catch, and read The Bell Jar. It still took me like 8 more years to realize I might have depression.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

An update on the @highnoonsunsips (sponsor me!) thrower. Happy to get one last burn in, though.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

I posted a picture of my Covid test to explain why I cancelled a show, and a bunch of people thought it was a pregnancy test. So now I'm trying to figure out if people don't know what it means to be pregnant, or if they don't know what it means to do standup.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

We got a new bidet and now I'm 4 hours late for work.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I wondered why I felt two hands gripping one another behind my back

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

Still thinking about Stephanie, the customer service rep for USAA who asked what I did for a living, thought I said "Canadian" instead of "comedian" and just went with it, asking what that entailed and how what the hours were like as a Canadian. Give her a raise.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I've never been Kanye's target audience, but now I get to be Kanye's audience's target.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I love being Jewish. We always get so excited when we find out we might be related, as if that's not why we all have to get tested for Tay-Sachs.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

This is a joke I live in NYC and I'm very happy to show my vax and I'm glad everyone else also has to.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

South Jersey is the only place where you can buy a gun but you can't make a left turn.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

An unexpected fact about me is that I saw Avatar 3D maybe 7 times in theaters because it was my go-to date idea in early 2010.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

Facebook is sponsoring the Olympics. They're like, wow it's really beautiful to see the world come together and put aside their differences that we caused.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Here's hoping that the shows discussing me will maybe read my writing packet next time.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Guys will be like, text me when you get home so I know you're safe, and then refuse to get a checkup for 15 years.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

The difficulties of working out material about The Incident

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

People didn't realize that FDR was in a wheelchair when he was president. So that means there had to have been one conspiracy theorist in the 1940s who was like, guys, I know this sounds crazy, but have you actually ever seen him walk? I don't think the president can walk.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

@elijahwood Ok this is getting out of hand now

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Baby boomers will really make fun of us for growing up with participation prizes as if that's not literally what social security is.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Ladies we have to stop climate change. I'm not trying to live in a world where I'm still shaving my legs in November.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

4 years

Hi it's absolutely more than enough if your greatest accomplishment of 2020 was not killing yourself or getting others sick.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

As a Jew, it's not the "Christmas" that offends me, it's the "Merry"

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

It is your right as an American to vote for whoever you want, realize they dropped out, and then reluctantly vote for your 4th choice.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Elon Musk fired half the staff because he actually believes Twitter should have fewer characters.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

I know why this year was so awful

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Southwest is the most relatable airline because during the winter I also cancel on everyone.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

Appreciate the shout-out from @JewishJournal . This description is either a mistake or some absolutely hilarious shade.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

A woman on the N train is wistfully looking out the window while drinking a beer. And suddenly I believe in love at first sight.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

IN YOUR 20s: I was gonna workout, but then I got high. IN YOUR 30s: I was gonna workout, but then I pulled a muscle in my back getting up from the toilet.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

Thinking about getting sick while I'm in Canada just so I can see what all the fuss is over "having healthcare"

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

Today Donald Trump saw his shadow, so you know what that means - six more weeks of Speaker of the House votes.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Either that or this is a Scrooge situation and she's about to tell me she's my ghost of Christmas future.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

@WhitneyCummings 😂😂😂

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

The Manhattan grand jury decision to indict Donald Trump marks the first time in history that a group of people from New York have voted for him.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

Sag is on strike? Tell that to my tits.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

Tucker Carlson thinks comedy is being cancelled because nobody's laughing with him despite being a clown.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

Imagine procrastinating at work so much that you held up the entire country.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

Wanna feel old? Every dog you meet is too young to remember 9/11.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

I'm 8 years younger than my husband, but I'm forcing him to watch Bones with me to show him that spiritually I'm actually retired.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

Is @SouthwestAir okay???

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

The more you pay on Twitter, the more your voice matters so I guess it is just like our democracy boom mic drop that'll show em

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

2 years

I spent much of tonight warning everyone that Santa Con is tomorrow like a modern day Paul Revere.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

3 years

Downside: the pandemic rages on. Upside: we're learning the Greek alphabet

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

Someone should make Streeteasy for renters, where renters can leave comments on listings about what it was like living there and dealing with the landlords.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy

1 year

If you're going to be a writer, it's important to be a reader. That way you can see that a lot of people who write are actually terrible at it.

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Ariel Elias

@Ariel_Comedy