Andrew Dismukes @andrew_vinny Twitter profile

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

3 years

The reviews are in

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

I’m not saying I come from trash, but I did think Frasier was British.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Do y’all remember the Greys Anatomy episode where the woman can’t stop having orgasms and then before the surgery to fix it Katherine Heigls like “Why do you want to change this!?” And the lady’s like, “I CANT GO TO CHURCH!!!”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Similar thing happened to me at band camp. A theater kid from my school asked me if I wanted to hang out in his room and then when I went over he performed all of Meat Loaf’s album Bat Out Of Hell while I sat on the couch and clapped between songs.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

VeggieTales was a glitch in the matrix because they combined church with vegetables and kids were like “okay I fuck with this”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

3 years

🐐

Saturday Night Live - SNL

@nbcsnl

3 years

A message from AMC and Vin Diesel #SNLFinale

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

God damn everything @Reddsaidit does is so fucking funny lolol

Dino-Ray

@DinoRay

4 years

@runwithskizzers @Reddsaidit Chris Redd is an icon.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Hate the part in the movie where the friends aren’t friends for a little bit. 😔

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Love when people call someone, “my childhood best friend”. Like damn just let the girl have her baby shower you don’t gotta call her a local.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Just remembered that before watching an All Dogs Go To Heaven VHS my mom sat my sister and I down to explain that dogs in fact do not go to heaven because they in fact do not have a soul, and that while we should enjoy the movie, it’s important to remember that it is fiction.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

3 years

I think its awful and that the school should change the mascot and all associated practices.

GBone 🦴

@MrClean513

3 years

@zhaabowekwe @pngisd @DisneyParks @andrew_vinny where are you on this? Time to make a difference.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Lorne called me into his office to show me the first cast photo from 1975. 😂 They look like babies here man! 🤣 Bibby Tuttles, Sarah Scoops, Dobby Brasco... ✊ Legends 🙏 Respect

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

One time I was riding with my grandpa in Louisiana and we both had to pee. We passed a Shell station but he wouldn’t stop cuz Shell was anti-union. I’ve truly never been more proud to be his grandson. We both pissed our pants. (this is true but also a joke but also I mean this)

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

3 years

@Reddsaidit Thanks bud 😎

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

3 years

Incredible

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

You can not even begin to tell me that this is not the man to beat Trump. Compare this clip with any you’ve seen of Biden this entire campaign. Does anything Biden has ever said feel remotely as clear and powerful as this.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

@dionnewarwick @eggy_boom @Punkiejohnson Thank you so much Ms. Warwick!

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

It’s important to think about your food as fuel for your body, which is why I only drink Mtn Dew Code Red and my asshole glow like da cars in Tokyo Drift.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

7 years

Sometimes people call standups 'Modern Philosophers', and its just like, there are still tons of people with high-level philosophy degrees and the bit Ive been working on most lately is an impression of Vince Vaughn talking his way out of eating pussy and it👏has👏never👏worked👏

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Friendly reminder that Adam Sandler 100% Fresh is low key the best standup special in the past 5 years.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

9 years

Me: (on first date) you wanna hear my smeagol impression? Girl: ..absolutely not Me: (whispering to myself in smeagol voice) stupid, stupid!

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Just found out the pickup basketball influencer that I follow is breaking up with his girlfriend who’s in his videos sometimes. Plz don’t text.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

When you been trampoline wrasslin with your boys but then mom says she’s got Totinos

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Comedy = Tragedy + A Character Named Newman Who Work At The Post Office

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

RIP Hal. He was a legend, and an authentically kind man who would score the dumbest sketch ever written with more passion and care than you’d ever believe. He will be missed.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

My fav thing about bein a boy is the button-ups. Some have pineapples. Some have little deer on them. All of them are special. All of them are beautiful. All of them say, "I am Kevin, and I have nothing interesting to say". Thank you button-ups. Thank you for saving my life.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Moneyball (2011) tells the story of Billy Beane, a man trying to revolutionize the game of baseball by getting people to start calling it moneyball instead.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

I derive a lot of comfort from the fact that if someone broke into my house, to kill me in my sleep. There would be a moment, before they kill me, where they see the Legend of Korra Haircut Roleplay ASMR playing on my laptop. Because I think it will humanize me.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

Folks! Do NOT ask your tween cousins about the third Maze Runner film! They have STRONG! OPINIONS! And they will use WORDS you do NOT KNOW!

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

I’ve come to slowly realize that “Shrek The Third But Like Third As In Like He’s The Guy Who Fucks My Wife”, my new script, if made well, could potentially be my Star Wars, and it feels crazy.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

I don't dress sexy for YOU, I dress sexy becuz I like to FEEL sexy

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Watching Chernobyl has me like, “Damn I don’t need the lights on that bad”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Kornacki stans after the election

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

🎶 HAL IS SHAAAAAALOW 🎶 🎶 HAL IS SHALALALALALALOW 🎶 🎶 HAL IS SHAAAAAALOW 🎶 🎶 JACK BLACK IS SHALLOW HAL 🎶 (guys I know the election is going on but we HAVE to be able to talk about other stuff)

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

RIP Mugshots

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

@melissavcomedy Congrats Meliss, this is awesome!

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Was going to vote for poor people to get healthcare but then a guy with a Goku avi told me to “shut the H up” and said I have a “Jake from State Farm lookin ass” so I donated 20K to Bloomberg.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Werner Herzog: “The Universe is monstrously indifferent to the presence of man” Me: “Okay but like did you even say hi? C’mon bud you gotta have some confidence, you’re a catch!”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

AYYYYY @STEEEZUSCHRIST @jasminepierce @danlicatasucks and I are doing a show at The New York Comedy Festival on Nov. 5 and you should come

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

"Real Emo only consists of the dc Emotional Hardcore scene and the late 90's Screamo scene. What is known by ‘Midwest Emo’ is nothing but Alternative Rock with questionable real emo influence. When people try to argue that bands like My Chemical Romance are not real emo...”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Whenever my guys smash I ALWAYS want the details. Stuff like, “How do you do it?” “Where do you put it?” “What does it mean when the stuff comes out?” “Does the number of balls I have means that’s the number of babies I can have?” “Does balls deep mean balls are in or almost?”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

HOW is Hakeem Olajuwon’s suit too big for him???

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

PAPA IS WEARING THEM JEANS RIGHT!!!

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

Every 6 months my mom will randomly mail me a graphic tee that says like "Food Truck Warrior", and I'll roll my eyes, then wear it everyday for 5 years.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Day 50 without sports Stephen A. Smith: “If XxDOUBLEBUTTxX thinks that HE is the best Zurg player in ALL OF STARCRAFT, then he is on PURE. HIGHLY REFINED. CRACK. COCAINE!”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

My girlfriend can’t believe how I eat garbage and still stay slim. But she doesn’t see all the hard work* I put in to maintain my form. *shitting swamp water 5 times a day and sweating buckets through the night

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

When you have one cold brew and immediately log on to Twitter dot com

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

When you forget that smoking weed before the show doesnt help you “have fun on stage”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

9 years

SIS: *indignant* YOUVE ALWAYS BEEN MOMS FAVORITE!!! ME: *sunglassed* youd be her favorite if you werent such a lame ass (high fives mom)

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Lots of people pointing out that now is a good time to work on passion projects, but what about those of us who are talentless? Hmm? What are we supposed to do? Hmm? Have you even considered us???

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Really hoping that comedy trends fully reset over the quarantine. I’m tired of lying about gettin my toes sucked, I wanna do a joke about lightbulbs.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

7 years

INT. MY MOM'S NEW CONDO

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

This man could not fit a single one of his eyeballs in his mouth

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Never forget the time I met with an acting agent, who when describing what he saw as my brand, referred to me as a “Funny, RELATIVELY cute guy.” devastating.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

9 years

Dear 7-11 Cashier, dont tell me 'youre all set' after I buy 2 hot dogs and 3 bags of hot fries because obviously something is missing

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Watching Wedding Crashers with my girlfriend and she won’t stop saying, “so many great lines” after every joke.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

When you hit 5 open mics in one night

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Live streamed my grandpas funeral. After the eulogy the priest told us to "pound that like and subscribe"

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

7 years

Mom: Andrew... Have you ever smoked drugs? Me:

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

All my sperms getting ready for me to cum

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

No relationship is perfect. For example, my girlfriend calls the lead singer of Local Natives, “Taylor”.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

How can you claim comedians are censored when most viral tweets nowadays are like a Good Place writer screenshotting a DM they sent to Ben Folds that says “I will pay you $500 to spit on your ass. Please reply.”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

My favorite thing about living in late capitalism is that our reality competition shows have gone from “We threw sixteen sexy singles in a house and watch em do obstacle courses and fuck!” to “Sixteen professionals compete for the grand prize of getting to do the job they want”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

Its not so much the "Peeing In Front Of My Girlfriend" that makes me feel vulnerable, its more the "45 Seconds With My Dick Out Waiting For Pee Pee To Happen" that I'm truly my most fragile.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

8 years

Sci-Fi Screenwriting Professor: Andrew, how about you tell us the idea for your movie? Me: Two words...

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

“It’s Wednesday, everybody’s at youth group!” - Me explaining to myself why my tweets are underperforming

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

7 years

Male privilege is how I'm 22 and every one of my Aunts still tell me "Good job!" Whenever I eat everything on my plate.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

My handwriting is BAD becuz I am SMART! My BRAIN is TOO FAST for my HAND becuz my BRAIN is GRATE and HAND is SHIT! Gud handwriting means you luv yur HAND but hate yur BREN. you are so stupid for that. You may wryte well, but - yu - knuw - nut - wut - yu - wryte.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

I think the most annoying “Guy I fucked explains stupid shit to me” thing I ever did was one time I played a girl a MF Doom song and she said it was repetitive and I said actually he varies his rhyme scheme more than anyone.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

8 years

Guy: You all set? Me: Ready when you are Guy: Okay, first question, Which side of your face do you sleep on??? Me:

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

I leave a Yelp review of every hotel I stay at and my review is always: “Front Desk failed to warn guests not to masturbate with hotel shampoo. It HURTS! Please fix. Was removed from Continental Breakfast for trying to warn the other guests.”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Gonna start tweeting shit like “We got our heads in our phones when they should be in the clouds ⛅️” until I’m famous enough to do sponsored posts for like a creatine powder that makes your heart stop.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

I very much enjoy that we refer to dogs shitting as "doing their business", because as far as I'm concerned it IS THEIR JOB!!!

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

7 years

Everybody saying how Water covers 71% of the Earth like Land ain't shit. Y'all we live on land! Thank you land for all you do!

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

In my 8th grade yearbook I said my favorite song EVER was Paralyzer by Finger Eleven. I got a LOT of shit for it, and I told one kid mocking me, "I hope for your sake, you grow up before we get to highschool". So YES mom, i DO think weed has made me a better person.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Crazy that after every youth sporting event, everyone’s parents were like, “Alright you know what y’all need now? Pizza Buffet. Let’s hit it.”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

9 years

pretty bummed that the PNG athletic department rejected my design for the locker room decor... http://t.co/hHfVebHjPJ

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

There’s lots of good standup that’s come out in this window. But 100% Fresh is like the most effortlessly hilarious. He’s just casually killing with really pure silly stuff and seems to be having a blast, which doesn’t often come across in stuff that’s a little more polished.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

9 years

I wanna host a pageant and then one of the contestants wears a Star Trek themed costume and then I say "Set phasers to STUNNING!!!"

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

7 years

The best part of tipping subway breakdancers is they fist bump u, call u bruv, and u forget 4 a sec that ur complicit in like 3 illegal wars

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Whenever I walk in the house, my dog is so excited to see me, he gets hard. This is now the reception I expect from ALL of my boys.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

7 years

@clarkstunnin and I's pre-friendship DM's sound like we were looking to smash for the first time

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

🎶 He was a skater boy 🎶 🎶 She said please stop huffing gas 🎶 🎶 He would not so they broke up 🎶 🎶 Now hes a superstar 🎶 🎶 Speaking at youth events 🎶

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

7 years

If you say shit like "15 hundred" instead of "1 thousand 5 hundred" just plz know that I do not think you are smarter than me.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Never fully appreciated how deregulated the plants in SETX really are until now. The risk to the population is not limited to incidents like the recent explosion, but also mass pollution. It’s criminal.

Texas Tribune

@TexasTribune

5 years

1/ NEW: The Port Neches chemical plant where two explosions and an ongoing fire prompted widespread mandatory evacuations Wednesday has a years-long history of state and federal environmental violations.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

I contain multitudes* *was into pop punk

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

Truly shameful how many times my mother received a call from school because I was shouting "Get. In. My. Belly!"

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Gordon Hayward looking like he’s about to drink your milkshake

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

Taran Killam on Wild 'N Out is the look we're rockin in 2019.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Love watching those GQ videos of athletes showing their 10 essential items and all of them at one point being like “You know i GOT to have my phone charger HAHA!”

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

5 years

Tom Hanks on stage fully feelin the edible rn. Dude has no sense of how long he’s been goin rn.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

4 years

Frankly this is awesome. A dork king. A gold star piece of shit. Confetti still falling in the arena and Skip is already being petty. This man. His power. This tweet is an achievement.

Skip Bayless

@RealSkipBayless

4 years

This was LeBron's easiest path to a ring. He got five pandemic months off to rest up for a playoff run after 17 seasons. Then he got 35-39 Portland, Houston (which lost House at 1-1) and LEBRON GOT HIS BIGGEST BREAK BY AVOIDING THE CLIPPERS. Meant to be.

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Andrew Dismukes

@andrew_vinny

6 years

Fave thing about Sex In The City is that Mr. Big very vaguely resembles Falco