Ashwani Kapoor @_udtapunjabi Twitter profile

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

I am the Mr. Mcadams of my house. My whole family yells at me for no reason.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

30 years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman on earth to marry me. All three said no.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

UP hai to kuch bhi mumkin hai.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Work from home? I don't even work from work.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

2 years

*😂असली कुर्ता अब फटेगा🤣*

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

My wife addresses me every night at 8 PM like this: "Mere Pyare, Dish Washiyo"

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Eight more divorces to go and Ambani will be richest in the world 🙃

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

1 year

*जब ऐसी खतरनाक बीबी हो तो मस्ती - मजाक भी उससे सोच समझ के ही करना चाहिए😃😃*

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

*BREAKING NEWS* Punjabis have decided that from now onwards the country of their choice for migration will be Croatia, not Canada. Because Croatians have Punjabi names... Terevich, Merevich, Eddevich, Osdevich, Sabdevich, and Bichovich.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

The prettiest women have the poorest choice in men.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

The monk who sold everyone's Ferrari, except his own.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

I am planning to buy a car in the range of 1 Cr to 1.25 Crs. 'Please suggest ltne paise kahan se laaun'

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Subtle way of asking 👇🏼

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Today marks exactly 37 years my gf broke with me in school just because I sharpened another girl's pencil.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Presenting Marilyn Menon 😀😀

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

*कल को कैनेडा पर किसी ने हमला कर दिया तो* *अकेले पंजाबियों को वापिस लाने में 7 साल लग जाएंगे।*

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Bhagwan kahin bhi maut de, Thailand mein na de . R8shtedar jawaab dete dete thak jayengey.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

iPhone 13 has very advanced face recognition, it looked at my face and said 'You can't afford it !!'

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

2 years

He met his wife on Tinder. *After three months of marriage*

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Villagers in Punjab are still wondering who the hell is Social Distan Singh?

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Gone mad with Corona.I went to the bathroom at a restaurant.Washed my hands opened the door with my elbow, raised the toilet seat with my foot,switched on the faucet with a tissue opened the door with my elbow & when i returned to my table I realized I forgot to pull up my pants!

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Doctors life goals: 1 . Become a doctor 2 Marry a doctor 3. Make their kids doctor 4. Get them married to a doctor Engineer life goals: 1 .Study engineering 2.Tell your siblings not to study engg. 3. Tell everone not to study engg. 4. Die watching everyone choosing engg.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 months

Dating a married woman is very stressful. Small quarrel and she posts a picture of her husband and kids on Instagram with the caption," #MyLifelines , #Mytruehappiness "!! 😂😂😂

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Most of the Miss World & Miss Universe from India want to serve Humanity & Nation... But end up dancing in Karan Johar's films.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Macca & Medina closed, Vatican closed, Tirupati & Shiridi closed...... the gods have closed their doors....... but hospitals are open 24*7 to save & serve the humankind.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

1 year

बात सही है क्या ?

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

1 year

Tom Cruise after getting addicted to Indian way of life & Vimal gutka

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

2 years

OYO should takeover those 22 locked rooms of Tajmahal. Afterall its a monument of Love.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

2 years

Meanwhile, the Indian Messi 😀😁😄

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Been 6 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed. Guess its time to go there personally and check what's the problem.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

🤣

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

That facial expression at the end is epic.. 😂 Tu ghar chal tujhe bataati hoon 😂

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Having sex is so stressful. Initially you hide it from parents, then from kids. And then, from wife. #mentravails

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

For those marriages getting cancelled during this lockdown, God is giving you a second chance to think about it .

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

7 months

One of the best memes ever

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

😃Out of the millions of statues built across the world. Only the statue of Marilyn Manroe is useful

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

True corona warrior

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Koi bataaa raha tha ki itney features hai tesla car mein ki EMI miss hui toh car khud hee showroom vaapis chali jayegi bc

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Sex after a certain age should be removed from the list of sins and placed in the list of miracles!.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

11 months

😜😜😜इसके बाद ‘चूतिया’ शब्द की उत्पत्ति हुई।

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Wife: "Where did you take the dog yesterday?" Husband: "The regular places ... why?" Wife: "She's acting different ..."

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

6 years

Flirting is like a game of Chess; One wrong move and you're married

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Indian parents while searching for a bride for their son.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

My crush told me that in time to come she wants her kids to marry mine because I have a good heart . What zone am I even in now ?

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

There was a time when people had to pay for Mujra. Thanks to Instagram its free now.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

'Covirgin ' A person who has not been infected by covid 19 yet.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

1 year

Yeh Technology, India se baahar nahi jaani chahiye.... 🤣

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

How long is this social distancing going to last? My wife is not letting me inside the house.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

2 years

No one knew about this law , so thought of sharing 😜

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

2 years

My wife speaks in 3 languages : Punjabi. eye roll & door slam .

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Never going uninvited 🤣😂

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Mom on phone: Kya kar raha hai? Me (in another city): Lunch kar raha hu. Mom: Kya kha raha hai? Me: Soup, roasted chicken, grilled fish, broccoli, 6 boiled eggs, baked beans, sauteed veggies, salad, one apple, nuts... Mom: Ek roti bhi kha lena. Nahi to pet nahi bharega.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Bhagwan ka diya sab kuch hai, -Gandi Shakal -Matlabi dost -Footi Kismat -Harami Relative

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Nautanki aisey kar rahey hain jaisey suhaagraat per 6 feet ka distance rakh kar sone waley hain.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

If you're a 50 plus man,it's time to leave them young girls alone and get a woman who understand the signs of a stroke and diabetes.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

only a Gujarati can do this 🤣

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Haddd hai

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Dont party with punjabis if you have something important to do the next day.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

9 months

😍🤣हर उम्र में दोस्त पंगे लेने से बाज़ नही आते हैं। चाहे वह बचपन के हों😜😜 चाहे पचपन के.....🤣😍🤝🫣

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

2 years

Do watch, brilliant movie

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Aisa kaisa dentist 😬

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Chaiwala ...Savage again

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

2 years

*तीन फिल्में , तीन गाने, तीन अभिनेत्री , लेकिन अभिनेता एक , और सबसे बड़ी बात अभिनेता की तीनो फिल्मों में एक ही शर्ट और पेण्ट ।।* *ढूंढने वाले भी कमाल है* 👇🤔🤫🫢🤤🥱😲🤠👌

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Boarding the aircraft may now give one the feeling of ICU.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Watch till the end😃😃

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

English films mein 10 baar kiss bhi kar le toh pyaar nahi hota ,yah koi ek baar tweet like aur retweet bhi kar de toh raato ki neend barbad ho jaati hai.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

"Make in India" is a very successful campaign. Even Chinese are making villages in India.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Yeh saara raita is bandey ney failaaya

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Kuch jet spray aisa pressure maartey hainki lagta hai pichley janam ke paap bhi dhul jayengey.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

My kids are buying me gifts for my birthday. Hope I can afford it.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Wife :kaise ho ? Husband ( BJP minister) : under the visionary & dynamic leadership of PM Narendra Modi I am fine.😂😂

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

The rich will be exempted from loans ..the poor will be given food ..the middle class.. Ramayan at 9.00pm

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

अच्छा हुआ स्कूल में ढंग से पढ़ाई नहीं की वरना इन दिनों अमेरिका या फ्रांस में फंसे होते।

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

I come from an India where women get 1k likes & rts on their tweets and men hardly get 100.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

My girlfriend caught me masturbating to porn on my phone... She looked at me seductively and asked if she could help. I said sure, could you hold my phone?

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Life : Weekdays: MS excel Weekends : Surf excel

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

A sexy female doctor slapped my butt. Fifty five years ago when I was born.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

2 years

*तमिल भाषा का गाना है, तुम्हें घण्टा भी समझ नही आएगा पर मुझे पता है तुम पूरा विडियो देखोगे जरूर...*

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Just imagine You order Mask for protection against Corona Virus and come to know , it being shipped from China 🤔

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

@SuspendedAkount Your payment for this tweet

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman? Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

HUSBAND: I hate to say this, but your swimming costume is quite tight and revealing. WIFE: Well, wear your own one then.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

The husband who synchronized this shot is in hospital 😝🥱

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Looks like he completely misunderstood when Modi said hold Diya at 9 pm for 9 minutes👇🏽

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Delhi lockdown - can hear only 2 sounds today , the birds chirping outside and my wife shouting inside.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

PM basically took 30 minutes to tell us that *My Finance guy will get back to you* 🤣

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

I’ve been nominated for “25 pushups everyday for 25 days” challenge I Blocked that person.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

*At the bar Me- May I sit here? Her- I have a boyfriend Me- That's ok, I'm 53. I just want to sit down

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

RBI must launch Rupee 9,99 and 999 notes. I'm tired of eating eclairs and toffees!

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

3 years

Finally found out why my food deliveries are getting delayed .

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

5 years

Common for all While working from home Client : I want to speak to someone with higher authority Me: Sunti ho... Zara baat to karna 😁😁🤣🤣

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

A keyboard never sleeps because it’s got two shifts.

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

Please don't share your financial problems here .

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

If you take Viagra, haven't you rigged an erection?

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Ashwani Kapoor

@_udtapunjabi

4 years

No one looks good naked either. Prove me wrong .

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