𝓐• @_spudi Twitter profile

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@_spudi

5 years

#ICalledInSickBecause I have anal glaucoma. I can’t see my ass coming in today.

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@_line0

𝓐•

@_spudi

5 years

#ICantBeWithSomeoneWho is on their phone during meals or during a conversation.

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@_spudi

5 years

#RichFolkLockdownProblems I’ve already been bowling, golfing, swimming, played tennis, watched movies in my theater... I’m bored!

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@_spudi

5 years

#DumbThingsIDidInHighSchool showing up... I could have gotten away with more absences.

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@_spudi

5 years

#BettyWhiteProbably has a more active sex life than most twitter users.

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@_spudi

5 years

#MottosForProcrastinators It’s a due date because it’s the day you do it

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@_spudi

5 years

#YouKnowYoureAGrownupWhen being out past 10 sounds exhausting.

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@_spudi

5 years

50 shades of grey sweats #PandemicSexTapeTitles

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@_spudi

5 years

#NotEveryoneKnowsThisBut you really can keep scrolling if you see something you don’t like 🙃

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@_spudi

5 years

#TrumpTaxDeductions Ashley Madison

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@_spudi

5 years

#MyXmasLightsAreStillUpBecause Christmas is in 354 days and for once in my life, I’d like to be early for something.

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@_spudi

5 years

#ThingsYouSayWhenYouCum fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

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@_spudi

5 years

#SaidDuringBoardGamesAndSex why don’t we do something that requires more than two players?

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@_spudi

5 years

@thexybeatht Yep. It helps when you only date men with the same first name.

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@_spudi

5 years

#SignsYouAreLoved their actions back up their words

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@_spudi

5 years

#SignsYouAreSexy all the twitter users with numbers like 0966655550 in their username tell me I am 💁🏼‍♀️

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@_spudi

5 years

#DeepThoughtsFromMAGA no ragrets.

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@_spudi

3 years

@_b0y1da_ @BizDad_ a skiddy on the titty

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@_spudi

5 years

#WeirdReasonsToGetMarried so I can tell all the DM creeps I’m taken.

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@_spudi

3 years

@FOX2News “They were very distressed…” right, right, right. Probably not as distressed as the poor kids at Oxford High.

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@_spudi

5 years

Hey, uh, can we talk? #RuinANightIn5Words

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@_spudi

5 years

#SaidDuringBoardGamesAndSex it’s not your turn!

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@_spudi

5 years

#IKnowMyPartnerIsMadWhen I wouldn’t know, I’m partnerless.

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@_spudi

5 years

#IConfessIveNever seen any Star Wars movies, and I have no desire.

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@_spudi

5 years

Well would you look at that, #OverTheNext30Days I have nothing planned.

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@_spudi

5 years

#RuinABrandWithOneWord Dairy Queef

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@_spudi

4 years

#BetterWaysToTellHerToCalmDown “Calm your tits” -weird, creepy men on twitter with 37 followers but act like they have 18K

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@_spudi

5 years

#TheTestResultsCameBack and you’re not my cousin! Let the relationship continue!

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@_spudi

5 years

#RudeQuestions “are you really going to eat that?” uhhh yeah Karen, I will be eating a third donut 🍩

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@_spudi

5 years

#MySexHorrorStory the batteries died 🔋

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@_spudi

5 years

#MyFamousLastWordsWouldBe fuck you.

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@_spudi

5 years

#UnlikelyFirstWordsOnTheMoon it looked bigger in the picture.

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@_spudi

5 years

#MyInternetSearchHistory is nonexistent... because I delete that shit.

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@_spudi

5 years

Do you ever just crave a late night phone conversation?

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@_spudi

5 years

#NeverSaidInThe1980s “do you have gluten and dairy free items?”

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@_spudi

5 years

#OneDayIllTellMyKids that you used to have to call after 9pm for free minutes.

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@_spudi

5 years

#RealisticRelationshipGoals communicating in a healthy, respectful way

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@_spudi

5 years

#AfterTrumpTookTruthSerum ...you’re telling me he’s been lying this entire time?!

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@_spudi

5 years

Scrub pad for dishes #XmasUsesForCumSocks

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@_spudi

5 years

#WhatHurtsMyBrain people on twitter that don’t understand a JOKE

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@_spudi

5 years

#GoodReasonsToCancelMonday I mean, cancelling seems a little absurd. How about making it the 3rd day in the weekend?

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@_spudi

5 years

#ICantBeWithSomeoneWho doesn’t eat dessert

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@_spudi

4 years

#WeHadSexAndNow we have to get married... make me an honest woman.

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@_spudi

4 years

#UnusualSexRules you have to be married to have sex

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@_spudi

3 years

#SongTitlesThatParentsSay You can’t always get what you want

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@_spudi

5 years

#IWasTheKindOfKid that made my parents wish they never had a kid.

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@_spudi

5 years

We all #KnowThatOnePersonWho should never, ever reproduce... but they did anyway.

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@_spudi

5 years

#ImNotARocketScientistBut it doesn’t take one to know you’re an idiot.

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@_spudi

5 years

#ThingsIDoAfterMidnight calculate the number of hours of sleep I’ll get.

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@_spudi

5 years

#EvilWaysToRuinAParty bring kids.

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@_spudi

5 years

so many men on this app are all “I don’t know why I’m single” or complain about it every other tweet um, idk, have you tried not being a whiny ass bitch? I only read your tweets, I couldn’t imagine conversing or living with you ☠️

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@_spudi

5 years

#ThingsToSeeAtArea51 pigs flying

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@_spudi

2 years

#SaidDuringSexAndBBQ “I wasn’t expecting your mom to be here…”

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@_spudi

5 years

#SignsTheSexWillBeBad he lives in his mothers basement.

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@_spudi

5 years

#BestWay2BreakUpAfterVDay Roses are red, Violets are blue, Last night sucked, I’m so done with you.

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@_spudi

4 years

#4WordsBetterThanSex my stimulus check deposited

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@_spudi

5 years

#BestMovieLineEver “I’m surrounded by idiots.” Nothing has been more relatable.

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@_spudi

5 years

#ToRelieveStress do we really need this hashtag when we know what 69% of twitter does to relieve stress? Obviously it’s knitting.

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@_spudi

5 years

if only you knew

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@_spudi

5 years

#ItsGettingTooHardTo get out of bed in the mornings.

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@_spudi

5 years

#IDontNeedYourPermissionTo do anything... I’m not married 💁🏼‍♀️

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@_spudi

5 years

#ListedOnMyResume great oral communication skills.

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@_spudi

5 years

#MySexTapeWouldBe my blind ass on my hands and knees looking for the antacid I dropped.

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@_spudi

3 years

@KaylaChowShow James and the giant boobs

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@_spudi

5 years

#ImAlwaysApologizingFor things I shouldn’t even be sorry for.

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@_spudi

5 years

#AnApologyToMyParents the fuck I need to apologize for? You do the crime, you do the time. You just happened to get a life sentence.

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@_spudi

5 years

#NothingIsMoreDangerousThan letting your phone get to 1%

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@_spudi

5 years

#ThatWasTheAlcoholSpeaking ”fuck it, send”

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@_spudi

5 years

Too much family togetherness time #RuinTheHolidaysIn5Words

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@_spudi

5 years

#FakeTitanicFacts it never happened.

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@_spudi

5 years

#BetterNotRunOutOf batteries during these already trying times.

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@_spudi

5 years

#MovieTitleToSumUpMyYear Groundhog Day

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@_spudi

6 years

#MyHumorIs that of a dirty 73 year old man stuck in a nursing home.

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@_spudi

5 years

#TheReasonICouldntBePresident I’d push the wrong buttons.

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@_spudi

5 years

#WhatBoozeTaughtMe sober thoughts are drunken words.

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@_spudi

5 years

#HowISurviveTheCold complaining about it helps.

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@_spudi

5 years

#OneLetterOffMusicians Sheryl cow

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@_spudi

5 years

#WithMyTaxRefund I’ll be able to afford name brand for two months

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@_spudi

3 years

@dauntlyss_ You could tell he was hurt. Why not actually say what you’re feeling? It makes him look like an ass. Props to Shayne for actually saying he was hurt.

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@_spudi

5 years

#TwitterHasAFragranceCalled Sensitive Bastard

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@_spudi

5 years