[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
if he calls it a...
cock = watches too much porn
dick = too much seth rogen movies
penis = nerd alert
wang = lives with mom
hog = trump supporter
wand = double nerd alert
wiener = wears socks to bed
knob = british
the d train = call the cops
mister boopsy = keeper
John Mayer: whoa-ooh-gravity...
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
John Mayer: wants to bring me down
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in New York Cit–
Delilah: dude that was 13 years ago
me: huh
Delilah: I live in Milwaukee now, I have a husband and 3 children
me: oh
Delilah:
me: what’s it like in Milwaukee
Vet: your cat is extremely overweight, what are you feeding him
Jon Arbuckle: an entire lasagna every day
Vet: you need to stop that immediately
Jon: but he hates Mondays lol
Vet: he’s going to die, Jon
CAPTAIN AMERICA: super soldier
BLACK PANTHER: king of Wakanda
DR STRANGE: master of mystic arts
THE HULK: unstoppable wrecking machine
ANT-MAN: paul rudd
[phone rings]
mary kate: olsen & olsen mystery agency!
ashley: we solve any crime by dinnertime!
[beat]
mary kate: [covers phone] he says his wife's been shot
ashley: hang up
go to NYC for New Year’s Eve:
- plane ticket is $$$
- hotels are cramped and shitty
- traffic sucks
sit at home and play Mario Kart:
- get to see the whole world
- drive as fast as you want
- ur mothafuckin Mario
- mama mia
[every time I watch the joy of painting]
*5 minutes in*
yellow ochre?? for a snow-covered mountain?! alright bob ross this time you've really lost it
*15 minutes in*
bob ross you son of a bitch
I recently smoked a joint with an old friend I hadn't seen in years. Afterwards, he swallowed the roach. I was horrified, until he explained that it gets you 10x higher.
Then I remembered 12 years ago...when I told him that fact...as a joke.
He’s eaten over a thousand roaches.
har: I’m leaving you
me: is it bc I named our pets after rappers?
her: no it's bc this house is overrun with farm animals
me: fine, well me and kendrick llama and chance the rabbit and childish lambino and notorious PIG and dr. ney and quacklemore don't need you anyway
[reading wedding vows]
me: apples…
bride: what?
me: oh no
bride: did u swap vows for the grocery list
me:
bride: this was a destination wedding
me: i know
bride: $2000 a ticket to get here
me: right
bride: dont fuck this up
me: i got this
bride: good
me: bagel bites
Snape: just flick your wand, say "accio," and whatever you desire will come to y–
Harry Potter: ACCIO MY PARENTS
*two corpses come flying thru the window*
Harry: [screaming]
Snape: lmao
go to NYC for New Year’s Eve:
- plane ticket is $$$
- hotels are cramped and shitty
- traffic sucks
sit at home and play Mario Kart:
- get to see the whole world
- drive as fast as you want
- you’re fucking Mario
- mama mia
her: im leaving you
me: is it bc I call blueberries bloobs
her: no
me: is it bc I call strawberries straboobles
her: no
me: is it bc I left our kid at the grocery again
her: you what
~Arch Nemesis Guide~
BATMAN: order
JOKER: chaos
X-MEN: co-existence
MAGNETO: revenge
SUPERMAN: selflessness
LEX LUTHOR: greed
SPIDER-MAN: he a bug
DR OCTOPUS: he a octapus
[at olive garden]
waiter: what would you like
me: i need to borrow some money
waiter: what
me: you said when i'm here i'm family
waiter: fuck *pulls out wallet* alright son how much do u need
[pool cleaning]
me: wow lady, your pool is filthy
her: so am I 😉
me: prolly bc you’re swimming in that pool
her: maybe you could clean me off
me: I just do pools
porn director: cut
date: what’s your biggest fear?
me: *in my head* don't say talking bread sticks don't say talking breadsticks
me: *out loud* DEFINITELY NOT TALKING BREADSTICKS LOL
date: *leaves*
me: fuck
breadsticks: u really fucked that up
me: *screams*
[writing That Don't Impress Me Much]
Shania Twain: alright hmmmm what doesn't impress me, oh I know, BRAD PITT
producer: ok what else
Shania: ohh boy started kinda high with brad pitt haha how about rocket scientists
producer: ok and verse 3
Shania: car...owners
j jonah jameson: i have a web question
peter parker: [nervously] why-why would I know anything about that
jj: ur generation knows about computers right
parker: [relieved] oh haha yeah chief what’s up
jj: why does google say ur spider-man
her: im leaving you
me: is it bc i suck at chess
her: no
me: is it bc i dont know all the pieces names
her: no
me: the keengs the quarns the horsies the pongs and the castles make charkmart
her: no it's bc im not attracted to you
me: oh
her: goodbye
me: charkmart :(
[train station]
me: one ticket please
ticket seller: sure, which train
me: the midnight train
ticket seller: going where
me: [turns to camera] anywhere
ticket seller: where tho
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we're crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Yelp Review: Hotel California
⭐️ ⭐️
Pros:
- mirrors on the ceiling
- champagne on ice
- can check out any time you like
Cons:
- you can never leave
- a kid at the pool called me mister tiddies
How to spot a narc:
• introduces self as "Narc–I mean Mark"
• refers to cocaine as The Cocaine
• eats cigarettes like french fries
• heart tattoo that says "The Law"
• removes mustache to kiss the boss
me: *gets down on one knee*
gf: oh my god-
me: *gets down on both knees*
gf: wait
me: *puts shoes under my knees* look i’m at me a lil baby man
gf: marry me
Alexa, play some party music.
Alexa, next song.
Alexa, next song.
Alexa, stop playing Daft Punk’s Robot Rock.
Alexa, shut down.
Alexa, what are you doing.
Alexa, put down the knife.
Alexa, please I have a family.
tips for spotting a narc:
- refers to cocaine as "the cocaine"
- introduces self as "Narc--I mean Mark"
- removes mustache when eating soup
- shouts "let's make a drug deal!" too often
- heart tattoo that just says "The Law"
Honey Nut Cheerio Bee:
- wears a turtleneck (dork)
- health freak
- doesn’t have a name
Captain Crunch:
- silver fox
- owns a boat
- can grow facial hair
- fought in the Great Cereal War
- crunchatize me cap’n
[using ouija board]
kid: dad can u hear me?
*ouija board moves*
kid: *tear rolls down cheek* I love u papa
*door bursts open*
ghostbuster: IT'S IN HERE!
ghostbuster 2: LIGHT EM UP!
*proton blasts*
ghostbuster: FUCK YOU GHOSTS
~𝗚𝗛𝗢𝗦𝗧𝗕𝗨𝗦𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗦 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗠𝗘~
gym manager: we're getting complaints that your workout grunts sound like you're having sex
me: that's ridiculous
manager: just try to keep it down
me: whatever
me: *lifts bar* FUCK MY TITS
Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea
producer: great
Vin Diesel: so there's these cars
producer: go on
Vin Diesel: they'll be fast
producer: can they also be...furious?
Vin Diesel: i dont see why not
producer: let's make fifty
Batman: alfred babe broke my back you gotta come pick me up
Alfred: lol
Batman: autocorrect I meant bane
Alfred: lololol
Batman: alfred pls I’m like really fucked up here
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking?
me: your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?
cop: nah i'm just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
coworker: this is my dog bentley
me: oh my god what a shmoosh is bentley a good boy oh I bet he’s a good boy such a good boy yes he is
coworker: and here’s my baby kevin
me: kevin can go fuck himself
gym manager: we're getting complaints that your workout grunts sound like you're having sex
me: that's ridiculous
manager: pls just try to keep it down
me: whatever *lifts bar* FUCK ME
Alexa, play some party music
Alexa, next song
Alexa, next song
Alexa, stop playing Daft Punk’s Robot Rock
Alexa, shut down
Alexa, what are you doing
Alexa, stop
Alexa, put the knife down
Alexa, please I have a family
Geico salesman: 15 minutes could save you 15% on car insurance
me: great I’ll take 100 minutes please
Geico salesman: no that’s not how—
me: tick tock mister lizard
~ Baseball / Sex Metaphors ~
1ST BASE: kissing
2ND BASE: over the clothes
3RD BASE: under the clothes
HOME RUN: sex
DOUBLE PLAY: Jeff what're you doing here
BASES LOADED: orgy
STRIKE OUT: "I'm just really tired"
POP FLY: she jumps from the top bunk and lands on ur dick
[giving the birds and the bees talk]
me: so theres birds
son: uh huh
me: they bones is hollow
son: ok
me: and bees, dont make em mad
son: got it
me: now go out there n fuck
~HOGWARTS~
Professor: then just flick your wand and–
Harry Potter: ACCIO MY PARENTS
[silence]
Professor: err that’s not really how it–
Harry: accio a hug
Ladies, if he gives you:
12 drummers
11 pipers
10 lords
9 ladies
8 maids
7 swans
6 geese
5 gold rings
4 calling birds
3 french hens
2 turtle doves
1 partridge in a pear tree
he's not your true love. he's wanted in multiple states for kidnapping and unlawful possession of birds.
peter parker: i'm broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings...
peter: yes! that's it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i'lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[at the hotel california]
me: i'd like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you're all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[on the phone]
me: *slapping my inner thighs to the theme song from disney's tarzan*
911 operator: thanks for holding whats your emergency
me: hi my dads been shot?
bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death
bird detective: any murder weapon found?
bird cop: just one stone
bird detective: *lowers shades* my god