david @_elvishpresley_ Twitter profile

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david

5 years

[first day as a pilot] control tower: what are your coordinates me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion control tower: can you be more specific me: simba

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

the world: [at the edge of apocalypse] me: [oblivious, headphones on]

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

1 year later and Mr Bubz is still the greatest video to ever hit the internet

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

me: can I get a bloody mary bartender: a what me: bloody mary bartender: a what me: bloody mary bartender: 😈 me: oh no

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

if he calls it a... cock = watches too much porn dick = too much seth rogen movies penis = nerd alert wang = lives with mom hog = trump supporter wand = double nerd alert wiener = wears socks to bed knob = british the d train = call the cops mister boopsy = keeper

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth me: no judge: [covers mic] what do I do

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

John Mayer: whoa-ooh-gravity... Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper] John Mayer: wants to bring me down Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

don't mess with turtles

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in New York Cit– Delilah: dude that was 13 years ago me: huh Delilah: I live in Milwaukee now, I have a husband and 3 children me: oh Delilah: me: what’s it like in Milwaukee

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david

@_elvishpresley_

1 year

incredible joke tbh

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

Vet: your cat is extremely overweight, what are you feeding him Jon Arbuckle: an entire lasagna every day Vet: you need to stop that immediately Jon: but he hates Mondays lol Vet: he’s going to die, Jon

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

CAPTAIN AMERICA: super soldier BLACK PANTHER: king of Wakanda DR STRANGE: master of mystic arts THE HULK: unstoppable wrecking machine ANT-MAN: paul rudd

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[phone rings] mary kate: olsen & olsen mystery agency! ashley: we solve any crime by dinnertime! [beat] mary kate: [covers phone] he says his wife's been shot ashley: hang up

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[restaurant] date: this chicken is a little dry me: I think my burger‘s undercooked waiter: how is everything me: it’s great date: so good

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

go to NYC for New Year’s Eve: - plane ticket is $$$ - hotels are cramped and shitty - traffic sucks sit at home and play Mario Kart: - get to see the whole world - drive as fast as you want - ur mothafuckin Mario - mama mia

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[every time I watch the joy of painting] *5 minutes in* yellow ochre?? for a snow-covered mountain?! alright bob ross this time you've really lost it *15 minutes in* bob ross you son of a bitch

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

I recently smoked a joint with an old friend I hadn't seen in years. Afterwards, he swallowed the roach. I was horrified, until he explained that it gets you 10x higher. Then I remembered 12 years ago...when I told him that fact...as a joke. He’s eaten over a thousand roaches.

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

me: TikTok is stupid also me: how do I get this video tattooed on my body

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

har: I’m leaving you me: is it bc I named our pets after rappers? her: no it's bc this house is overrun with farm animals me: fine, well me and kendrick llama and chance the rabbit and childish lambino and notorious PIG and dr. ney and quacklemore don't need you anyway

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

me: do you have a favorite book her: 1984 me: that’s too many

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[reading wedding vows] me: apples… bride: what? me: oh no bride: did u swap vows for the grocery list me: bride: this was a destination wedding me: i know bride: $2000 a ticket to get here me: right bride: dont fuck this up me: i got this bride: good me: bagel bites

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

waiter: do you have any allergies? me: latex waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat me: airplanes

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

Snape: just flick your wand, say "accio," and whatever you desire will come to y– Harry Potter: ACCIO MY PARENTS *two corpses come flying thru the window* Harry: [screaming] Snape: lmao

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david

@_elvishpresley_

8 months

go to NYC for New Year’s Eve: - plane ticket is $$$ - hotels are cramped and shitty - traffic sucks sit at home and play Mario Kart: - get to see the whole world - drive as fast as you want - you’re fucking Mario - mama mia

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

princess peach: ur breaking up with me? mario: it's not you, it's-a-me

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

her: im leaving you me: is it bc I call blueberries bloobs her: no me: is it bc I call strawberries straboobles her: no me: is it bc I left our kid at the grocery again her: you what

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

*a glass shatters on the dance floor* me: uh oh *Footloose starts to play* me: oh no *people kick off their Sunday shoes* me: OH NO

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost! fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

~Arch Nemesis Guide~ BATMAN: order JOKER: chaos X-MEN: co-existence MAGNETO: revenge SUPERMAN: selflessness LEX LUTHOR: greed SPIDER-MAN: he a bug DR OCTOPUS: he a octapus

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[at olive garden] waiter: what would you like me: i need to borrow some money waiter: what me: you said when i'm here i'm family waiter: fuck *pulls out wallet* alright son how much do u need

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[using Ouija board] "yo Chad, can you hear us?" *W* *A* *A* *A* *Z* *Z* *Z* “this is gonna take a while, Chad died in 1999.”

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[before cones were invented] *fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

THE JOKER: schizophrenia TWO-FACE: bipolar disorder THE RIDDLER: narcissism CATWOMAN: kleptomania THE PENGUIN: danny devito

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

*sees a dog I met one time* well hello there doodles mcfluffin III *sees guy named ben I met 20 times* hi uhhhhhhhh barn

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

me: i'll have the caesar waiter: are u sure me: do it waiter: alright *stabs me 23 times*

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[pool cleaning] me: wow lady, your pool is filthy her: so am I 😉 me: prolly bc you’re swimming in that pool her: maybe you could clean me off me: I just do pools porn director: cut

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

interviewer: under skills you put “amazing liar” me: no I didn’t interviewer: then who did? me: [turns to camera and lowers sunglasses]

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

date: what’s your biggest fear? me: *in my head* don't say talking bread sticks don't say talking breadsticks me: *out loud* DEFINITELY NOT TALKING BREADSTICKS LOL date: *leaves* me: fuck breadsticks: u really fucked that up me: *screams*

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[writing That Don't Impress Me Much] Shania Twain: alright hmmmm what doesn't impress me, oh I know, BRAD PITT producer: ok what else Shania: ohh boy started kinda high with brad pitt haha how about rocket scientists producer: ok and verse 3 Shania: car...owners

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

Cars: - expensive - have to find parking - traffic sucks Full-on sprinting everywhere: - free - don't have to park legs - looks badass af

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[gets bad haircut] me: perfect, thanks

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

sound on for this one

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

I put the audio from the Cats trailer over the Star Wars Mandalorian trailer and I'm freaked out about how well it fits

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 months

sing us a song, you’re the piano man! piano man: *starts going absolutely buckwild on the harmonica for some reason*

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

me: i’m being haunted by the movie grease therapist: tell me more me: *screams*

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

j jonah jameson: i have a web question peter parker: [nervously] why-why would I know anything about that jj: ur generation knows about computers right parker: [relieved] oh haha yeah chief what’s up jj: why does google say ur spider-man

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

damn john mayer pick a lane

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[first day as a detective] cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene me: *under breath* birds

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

wife: I wish you'd stop bringing your work home with you Dr Frankenstein: he has a name wife: DOES HE

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

her: im leaving you me: is it bc i suck at chess her: no me: is it bc i dont know all the pieces names her: no me: the keengs the quarns the horsies the pongs and the castles make charkmart her: no it's bc im not attracted to you me: oh her: goodbye me: charkmart :(

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[train station] me: one ticket please ticket seller: sure, which train me: the midnight train ticket seller: going where me: [turns to camera] anywhere ticket seller: where tho

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[inventing vampire weaknesses] writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night writer 2: nice how about crucifixes? writer 1: ooh yea and holy water! writer 2: we're crushing this [5 hours later] writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside writer 2: garlic

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

blink 182: work sucks me, age 9: i know

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

pet store cashier: five thousand milkbones? say, you’re not 3 dogs stuffed in a trenchcoat are you 🐶 🧥: no

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

Yelp Review: Hotel California ⭐️ ⭐️ Pros: - mirrors on the ceiling - champagne on ice - can check out any time you like Cons: - you can never leave - a kid at the pool called me mister tiddies

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

How to spot a narc: • introduces self as "Narc–I mean Mark" • refers to cocaine as The Cocaine • eats cigarettes like french fries • heart tattoo that says "The Law" • removes mustache to kiss the boss

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[first day as cop] me: calling all units unit: what’s going on me: [twirling walky talky cord] idk, police stuff. what’s up with you

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[picks up scalp massager] me: what’s this thing store clerk: that’s a head scratcher me: take your time

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david

@_elvishpresley_

9 months

that one guy in the blunt rotation who gets weird when he smokes:

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

me: *gets down on one knee* gf: oh my god- me: *gets down on both knees* gf: wait me: *puts shoes under my knees* look i’m at me a lil baby man gf: marry me

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

Don’t 👏 talk 👏 about 👏 the 👏 puppy 👏 bowl 👏 if 👏 you 👏 didn’t 👏 watch 👏 the 👏 rest 👏 of 👏 the 👏 season 👏

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[during sex] me: I want u to hit me as hard as u can her: did you just watch fight club me: *remembering the first rule* no

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

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david

@_elvishpresley_

7 years

Alexa, play some party music. Alexa, next song. Alexa, next song. Alexa, stop playing Daft Punk’s Robot Rock. Alexa, shut down. Alexa, what are you doing. Alexa, put down the knife. Alexa, please I have a family.

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david

@_elvishpresley_

7 years

Me: I'm sort of a chicken magnet Him: Don't you mean chick magn- *sounds of distant bawk-bawking* Me: We have to go NOW

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

me: can i get a big mac employee: sir, this is a Burger King me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

tips for spotting a narc: - refers to cocaine as "the cocaine" - introduces self as "Narc--I mean Mark" - removes mustache when eating soup - shouts "let's make a drug deal!" too often - heart tattoo that just says "The Law"

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

Honey Nut Cheerio Bee: - wears a turtleneck (dork) - health freak - doesn’t have a name Captain Crunch: - silver fox - owns a boat - can grow facial hair - fought in the Great Cereal War - crunchatize me cap’n

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[using ouija board] kid: dad can u hear me? *ouija board moves* kid: *tear rolls down cheek* I love u papa *door bursts open* ghostbuster: IT'S IN HERE! ghostbuster 2: LIGHT EM UP! *proton blasts* ghostbuster: FUCK YOU GHOSTS ~𝗚𝗛𝗢𝗦𝗧𝗕𝗨𝗦𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗦 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗠𝗘~

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

gym manager: we're getting complaints that your workout grunts sound like you're having sex me: that's ridiculous manager: just try to keep it down me: whatever me: *lifts bar* FUCK MY TITS

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea producer: great Vin Diesel: so there's these cars producer: go on Vin Diesel: they'll be fast producer: can they also be...furious? Vin Diesel: i dont see why not producer: let's make fifty

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

Batman: alfred babe broke my back you gotta come pick me up Alfred: lol Batman: autocorrect I meant bane Alfred: lololol Batman: alfred pls I’m like really fucked up here

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking? me: your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts? cop: nah i'm just high—wait a second me: too late ur under arrest

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

coworker: this is my dog bentley me: oh my god what a shmoosh is bentley a good boy oh I bet he’s a good boy such a good boy yes he is coworker: and here’s my baby kevin me: kevin can go fuck himself

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

gym manager: we're getting complaints that your workout grunts sound like you're having sex me: that's ridiculous manager: pls just try to keep it down me: whatever *lifts bar* FUCK ME

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

Alexa, play some party music Alexa, next song Alexa, next song Alexa, stop playing Daft Punk’s Robot Rock Alexa, shut down Alexa, what are you doing Alexa, stop Alexa, put the knife down Alexa, please I have a family

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

things that aren’t personality traits: - calling blueberries "bloobs" - calling noodles "noods" things that are personality traits: - calling raspberries "bloorbs" - calling spaghetti "spagoody noods"

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[first day as a cop] me: suspect is dancing naked thru downtown dispatch: copy that me: i'll try but i'm not much of a dancer

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

Geico salesman: 15 minutes could save you 15% on car insurance me: great I’ll take 100 minutes please Geico salesman: no that’s not how— me: tick tock mister lizard

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

and in the morning, I'm making ~~~~~𝙽𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃𝙼𝙰𝚁𝙴 𝙵𝚄𝙴𝙻~~~~~

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

~ Baseball / Sex Metaphors ~ 1ST BASE: kissing 2ND BASE: over the clothes 3RD BASE: under the clothes HOME RUN: sex DOUBLE PLAY: Jeff what're you doing here BASES LOADED: orgy STRIKE OUT: "I'm just really tired" POP FLY: she jumps from the top bunk and lands on ur dick

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[hogwarts spelling bee] professor: your word is avada kedavra student: [dead] professor: ope

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

Ellen: So i heard you like bees me: i said i like beads Ellen: *trying to close jar full of feral bees* fuck fuck f

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

[giving the birds and the bees talk] me: so theres birds son: uh huh me: they bones is hollow son: ok me: and bees, dont make em mad son: got it me: now go out there n fuck

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

POP= from the midwest SODA= from the coast COKE= from the south SOFT DRINK = nerd alert SODA POP= old person SODY POP= cop

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

~HOGWARTS~ Professor: then just flick your wand and– Harry Potter: ACCIO MY PARENTS [silence] Professor: err that’s not really how it– Harry: accio a hug

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david

@_elvishpresley_

7 years

[picks up scalp massager] Me: what’s this thing called Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher Me: well take a guess my man

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

Ladies, if he gives you: 12 drummers 11 pipers 10 lords 9 ladies 8 maids 7 swans 6 geese 5 gold rings 4 calling birds 3 french hens 2 turtle doves 1 partridge in a pear tree he's not your true love. he's wanted in multiple states for kidnapping and unlawful possession of birds.

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

peter parker: i'm broke i need a job mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings... peter: yes! that's it mary jane: ya just patent your inventio- peter: i'lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

ok I edited Mr. Bubz to be a 90s sitcom

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

uber driver: would you like a water? me: no thx uber driver: mint? me: no thx uber driver: radio on? me: no thx uber driver: kiss goodbye? me: yes pls

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[at the hotel california] me: i'd like to check out desk clerk: alright, you're all set me: great, bye desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave me: then why did you let me check out desk clerk: *shrugs*

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david

@_elvishpresley_

9 years

Fact if it's mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that's not enough babies!

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

*i drop the soap* prisoner: hey i think u dropped this me: hey thanks! prisoner: what are friends for! *we have consensual sex*

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[on the phone] me: *slapping my inner thighs to the theme song from disney's tarzan* 911 operator: thanks for holding whats your emergency me: hi my dads been shot?

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david

@_elvishpresley_

5 years

[walking out of bathroom] me: oh boy, do NOT go in there *guy walks in anyway* *comes out screaming* me: ya it's like super haunted

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david

@_elvishpresley_

4 years

bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death bird detective: any murder weapon found? bird cop: just one stone bird detective: *lowers shades* my god

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david

@_elvishpresley_

6 years

cop: u know how fast u were going? me: 69 mph? cop: hell yea u were *fist bumps* cop: ur definitely under arrest though this is a school parking lot

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