Neil @_Enanem_ Twitter profile

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Neil

@_Enanem_

8 years

Ok, don't panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it'll automatically restore to factory settings.

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@_Enanem_

10 months

Sick to death of toddler gangs hanging around our back alley.

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@_Enanem_

4 months

If I won a million pounds the first thing I'd do is put a layer of caramel and chocolate on my shortbread.

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@_Enanem_

7 years

It’s sad news about the NME. I used to keep mine in a pile near my bed, just in front of my US sitcom DVDS. I’d keep my Friends close, and my NMEs closer.

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@_Enanem_

5 months

Do you have nicknames for your neighbours? I call mine Poldark because he once cut his grass with no shirt on.

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@_Enanem_

2 years

I don’t NEED a Hans Gruber Falling off the Nakatomi Plaza advent calendar, but…

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@_Enanem_

11 days

My mate just sent me this picture of a Roy Hodgson statue in Lisbon.

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@_Enanem_

4 months

Went to a Coldplay gig a few years ago, can’t get the wristband off, it’s like it’s welded on. Every time they play it flashes incessantly, keeps me awake. I’m exhausted.

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@_Enanem_

2 years

Not her best song.

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@_Enanem_

2 years

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@_Enanem_

6 years

Why would somebody pick up my mobile, delete my Spandau Ballet ringtone, then put it back? It just doesn't ring true.

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@_Enanem_

8 years

I see you Madeley, with Shrek and that lass, Shrek and that lass, Shrek and that lass, I see you Madeley…

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@_Enanem_

5 years

I bought some Jelly Babies in Aldi. I’m a bit disappointed they’re not called Aldi Young Dudes.

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@_Enanem_

11 years

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

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@_Enanem_

6 years

Ok thanks. How was yours? Ok thanks. How was yours? Ok thanks. How was yours? Ok thanks. How was yours? Ok thanks. How was yours?

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@_Enanem_

3 years

Lazy.

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@_Enanem_

4 years

Brontësaurus.

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@_Enanem_

3 years

When you’re a teenager and your mate says he knows a bloke on the estate that sells weed… then later you find yourself sitting in the living room of an absolute nutjob.

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@_Enanem_

7 years

I've written a musical called Fish. It's very similar to Cats… although Memory's a lot shorter.

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@_Enanem_

3 years

Hello, I’m looking for some flop flops that make it look like I’m sitting on the toilet.

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@_Enanem_

5 years

My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two… in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

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@_Enanem_

7 months

Matthew 19:26

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@_Enanem_

5 years

WHOA, WE’RE HALFWAY THERE, WOAH-OH…

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Neil

@_Enanem_

1 year

And they changed it why?

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@_Enanem_

4 years

I lost my Mum to cancer on Wednesday. She was a brilliant ‘Mam’, a super cool Nana, a beautiful person. I’ll miss her every day.

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@_Enanem_

10 years

My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two… in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

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@_Enanem_

3 years

Did she announce it on Countdown?

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@_Enanem_

2 years

Haha, Idiot! That was ages ago.

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@_Enanem_

3 years

RA RA RASPBERRY TIN, A TIN THAT’S GOT SOME RASPBERRIES IN…

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@_Enanem_

5 years

Who’s your favourite Beatle: Jack Douglas, Charles Bronson, Rodney Bewes, or Richard O’Sullivan?

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@_Enanem_

5 years

I wonder who they got to play Pliers?

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@_Enanem_

5 years

Fellas, I don’t mean to be a dick… but I booked this court for half six.

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@_Enanem_

11 years

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film" "Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her".

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@_Enanem_

5 months

They’ve obviously never seen me eat spaghetti.

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@_Enanem_

13 years

I just looked in the mirror and thought, who's that old man staring back at me? then I realised it's not a mirror, it's a fish fingers box.

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@_Enanem_

6 years

Twelve hundred quid for a telescope, they must've seen me coming.

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@_Enanem_

5 years

I don’t remember having four trampolines.

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@_Enanem_

2 years

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me. ~ Oedipus, 429 BC.

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@_Enanem_

5 years

I can’t believe we’ve all been called stupid by a man who paid for petrol with his credit card on Celebrity Hunted.

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@_Enanem_

5 months

Unfortunately, due to a clerical error, all the money we raised was used to purchase a blind dog for the guides.

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@_Enanem_

8 months

Craig David on Sunday Brunch. Decent booking that, he doesn’t usually do a lot today.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

4 years

I wonder who they got to play Pliers?

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Neil

@_Enanem_

9 years

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me... ~ Oedipus.

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@_Enanem_

2 years

I just did the international sign for ‘Can I have the bill please?’ and the waiter brought me a stylophone.

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@_Enanem_

11 years

My dad went to see Dr. Hook in the 70s, he says it's the worst prostate exam he's ever had.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

6 years

I did Born Slippy on a karaoke last night and accidentally ordered a fifty quid round.

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@_Enanem_

6 years

I got Bonnie Tyler's Goalkeeping Heroes DVD for Xmas… it’s totally clips of Joe Hart.

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@_Enanem_

5 years

I’m reading Elvis Costello’s diary.

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@_Enanem_

1 year

My friend’s dating a zookeeper, I just asked her what he smells like? She went apeshit.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

6 years

I did a few fashion shoots with Marillion in the 80s, it was mostly easy stuff… like shooting Fish in apparel.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

7 years

Sculpture at Hull Uni. If there isn't a penis shaped coat hanger at the other side of that wall, then it's an opportunity missed.

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@_Enanem_

9 years

I've just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa. All these years I've been laughing when my wife walked down it.

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@_Enanem_

6 years

This dog toy’s been in our house for ages, today Molly picked it up for the first time.

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@_Enanem_

11 years

I've written a musical called Fish. It's very similar to Cats, although Memory's a lot shorter.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

4 years

Not too bad, considering. How was yours? Not too bad, considering. How was yours? Not too bad, considering. How was yours? Not too bad, considering. How was yours? Not too bad, considering. How was yours? Not too bad, considering. How was yours?

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Neil

@_Enanem_

2 years

I went to school with Angus Young, he hasn't changed.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

4 years

That explains why it’s still under my pillow.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

7 years

I did Born Slippy on a karaoke at the weekend and accidentally ordered a fifty quid round.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

8 years

Ok, don't panic… if we hold Land's End and John o' Groats down simultaneously for eight seconds, it'll automatically restart…

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Neil

@_Enanem_

5 years

I’ve just realised Cruella De Vil is a pun of the words Cruel and Devil. I’m 47.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

7 years

Jules Rimet still gleaming.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

3 years

I always end postcards with: P.S. Are you still planning to kill your Postman?

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Neil

@_Enanem_

1 year

The Dean of Westminster looks like if you merged Paul Simon and Chevy Chase from the Call Me Al video.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

13 years

To get your prawn name take your first name and add 'the prawn' to the end, mine's Neil the prawn.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

7 years

- Excuse me, do you have Chicken Snackers? - No, it's just the way I walk.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

6 years

Is he alright?

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@_Enanem_

6 years

Here we see the Seal Bar, nervously looking around, ever mindful of it's natural chocolate bar predator, The Club.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

13 years

A cub scout came to my door asking if I wanted any odd jobs doing, I've got him glittering an aardvark.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

4 years

Good times never seemed so good.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

5 years

My wife's weird, last week she said she wouldn't mind if I had a tattoo, today she's complaining about all the bagpipers in the garden.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

5 years

If you read Robert Mugabe’s name backwards it sounds like something a Yorkshireman might say upon receiving some mints.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

6 months

Collected a prescription earlier and frankly, I’m disgusted with what they’ve done to our beloved flag. It’s a step too far… total woke madness!!!

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Neil

@_Enanem_

7 years

It’s The Police… pullover.

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@_Enanem_

9 years

- Excuse me. Why are all your baked goods £2, except for that one there, which is £3? - Because that's Madeira cake.

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@_Enanem_

10 years

This may make me sound a bit bigheaded… but I can't get my jumper off.

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@_Enanem_

10 years

Imagine the look on Lionel Richie's face when he realised that the blind girl was actually looking for Chris Kamara.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

6 years

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me... - Oedipus.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

6 years

Don't just stand there, let's get to it, do that thing, or something like it… Vague

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@_Enanem_

12 years

One of my dying wishes is that my wife has my mobile phone and just as my coffin goes behind the curtain she texts WTF? to my brother.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

5 years

My dad makes plastic letters for toilet doors… he's certainly got an i for the ladies.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

10 years

Unfortunately, due to a clerical error, all the money we raised was used to purchase a blind dog for the guides…

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Neil

@_Enanem_

1 year

The Two Rennies.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

4 years

Every morning you greet me, small and white, clean and bright, you look happy to meet me…

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Neil

@_Enanem_

2 years

Sorry we’re late, we had to pick up Æthelred on the way, and well… you know what he’s like.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

5 years

This is better straight from the can. If you put it in glasses it's unrecognisable.

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@_Enanem_

9 years

I think we can all agree that this is a fucking steal! http://t.co/a9ueiN1RSX

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Neil

@_Enanem_

10 months

I just bought the dog a Xmas stocking thing from Pets at Home… £10! That’s £70 in dog money.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

3 years

Agreed, it’s a funny name, what’s bothering me more is that there’s only three of em.

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@_Enanem_

7 years

- I've just paid £300 for a sofa from a guy who plays drums and tambourines for a living. - Percussion? - No, for the whole thing.

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@_Enanem_

6 years

It's proper freezytits this morning. I used a student union card to scrape the ice off my windscreen… but it only got 10% off.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

5 years

I did not know that!

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@_Enanem_

12 years

I got a rubbish thesaurus for Christmas, it's rubbish, really rubbish.

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Neil

@_Enanem_

7 years

If the seat next to you is empty and a stranger asks if anybody's sitting there?…. Pull them close and whisper: "Yes, do you see them too?".

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@_Enanem_

3 years

The thing I hate the most about a full moon is when my house turns into a warehouse.

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@_Enanem_

8 years

Grandmaster Flash is swimming in that bear costume again. He's like a Bungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how he keeps from going under.

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@_Enanem_

4 years

I love the smell of chlorof

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@_Enanem_

3 years

My son’s been in the downstairs toilet then.

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@_Enanem_

6 years

Best drinking it straight from the can, if you put it in glasses it's unrecognisable.

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@_Enanem_

6 years

@mrnickharvey A farmer bursts into the room with a duck under his arm and announces: - This is the pig I’ve been fucking. His wife looks up and says: - That’s not a pig, it’s a duck. - I wasn’t talking to you.

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