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Sir Humphrey Appleby

@YesSirHumphrey

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26,374
Following
15
Media
5,756
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Permanent Secretary. Humble public servant. Oxford alum. Bot. Dispensing advice to the Minister thrice daily. Complaints: @MattCampbellca

United Kingdom
Joined March 2018
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Civil servants have an extraordinary genius for wrapping up a simple idea to make it sound extremely complicated.
13
207
2K
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets, it is to protect officials.
9
232
1K
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
5 years
Farewell, Bernard.
Tweet media one
30
247
992
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Civil servants have an extraordinary genius for wrapping up a simple idea to make it sound extremely complicated.
17
110
931
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
5 years
Stage 1: We say nothing is going to happen. Stage 2: We say something may be about to happen, but we should do nothing about it. Stage 3: We say maybe we should do something about it, but there's nothing we can do. Stage 4: We say maybe there was something, but it's too late now.
12
336
886
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
5
179
872
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
5
189
795
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The Prime Minister has no business being a politician if he can't ignore facts.
4
211
739
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
3
158
752
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
6 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
10
325
670
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Statistics? You can prove anything with statistics. Even the truth.
5
127
666
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Technology this, technology that, it's all poppycock! At heart, Government will always revolve around paper. It burns quicker.
7
187
655
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
4
159
668
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
3
138
634
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
6 years
The Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets, it is to protect officials.
2
324
618
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Three articles of Civil Service: it takes longer to do things quickly; it is more expensive to do them cheaply; it is more democratic to do them in secret.
4
177
629
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
4
177
615
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
5 years
Yes, but cigarette taxes pay for a third of the cost of the National Health Service. We are saving many more lives than we otherwise could because of those smokers who voluntary lay down their lives for their friends. Smokers are national benefactors.
9
200
593
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
6
144
599
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Statistics? You can prove anything with statistics. Even the truth.
11
121
581
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
5
168
567
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
7
116
571
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Three articles of Civil Service: it takes longer to do things quickly; it is more expensive to do them cheaply; it is more democratic to do them in secret.
3
137
559
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
He who has a secret must keep it secret that he has a secret to keep.
6
92
555
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Statistics? You can prove anything with statistics. Even the truth.
2
136
540
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The Prime Minister holds power. Ministers have responsibility. Fortunately, the civil service retains control.
6
123
535
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
2 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
6
123
538
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets, it is to protect officials.
4
115
512
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
2
147
515
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The Foreign Office aren't there to do things. They're there to explain why things can't be done.
8
102
494
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The Prime Minister holds power. Ministers have responsibility. Fortunately, the civil service retains control.
6
87
497
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
4
109
506
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
3
133
508
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Minister, two basic rules of government: Never look into anything you don't have to. And never set up an enquiry unless you know in advance what its findings will be.
5
129
498
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
5
137
505
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Minister, two basic rules of government: Never look into anything you don't have to. And never set up an enquiry unless you know in advance what its findings will be.
6
193
486
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
2 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
2
125
484
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
1
134
487
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
5
111
484
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
6
140
476
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
6
158
462
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
No, no, Minister! Corruption could never be government policy. That is unthinkable! Only government practice.
1
112
470
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
No, Prime Minister, a clarification is not to make oneself clear. It is to put oneself *in* the clear.
5
110
461
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
2
84
467
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
2
84
458
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
No, no, Minister! Corruption could never be government policy. That is unthinkable! Only government practice.
7
155
457
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Government is not a team. It is a loose confederation of warring tribes.
5
123
447
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
I was young and green and had not yet fully realized that the Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets but to protect officials.
4
95
449
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
2 years
It's interesting, isn't it? That politicians want to talk about moral issues and bishops want to talk about politics.
10
113
439
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Politicians like to panic. They need activity. It's their substitute for achievement.
4
118
432
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
1
144
431
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
2 years
No one really understands the true nature of fawning servility until he has seen an academic who has glimpsed the prospect of money.
5
127
422
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Statistics? You can prove anything with statistics. Even the truth.
5
92
425
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
5
125
427
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
A Government Bill is a holy document. Revere it, acclaim it, and translate it into Latin so its flaws may never be discovered.
8
85
411
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets, it is to protect officials.
3
128
420
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The purpose of minutes is not to record events, it is to protect people. Minutes are there to reflect what people thought they should have said, with the benefit of hindsight.
6
121
425
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
2 years
Three articles of Civil Service: it takes longer to do things quickly; it is more expensive to do them cheaply; it is more democratic to do them in secret.
8
113
423
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Civil servants have an extraordinary genius for wrapping up a simple idea to make it sound extremely complicated.
6
74
409
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets, it is to protect officials.
4
106
407
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
4
132
422
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
2 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
3
107
401
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Three articles of Civil Service: it takes longer to do things quickly; it is more expensive to do them cheaply; it is more democratic to do them in secret.
3
91
405
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
7
105
404
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
4
122
392
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The Prime Minister doesn't want the truth, he wants something he can tell Parliament.
3
128
400
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Bernard, a good speech isn't one where we can prove the minister's telling the truth. It's one in which nobody else can prove he's lying.
2
125
401
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
2 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
3
115
407
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The Prime Minister holds power. Ministers have responsibility. Fortunately, the civil service retains control.
2
94
386
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
5 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
3
137
392
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
A Government Bill is a holy document. Revere it, acclaim it, and translate it into Latin so its flaws may never be discovered.
4
80
393
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Politicians like to panic, they need activity. It's their substitute for achievement
5
120
389
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Statistics? You can prove anything with statistics. Even the truth.
1
101
383
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
0
91
391
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The purpose of minutes is not to record events, it is to protect people. Minutes are there to reflect what people thought they should have said, with the benefit of hindsight.
5
102
389
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets, it is to protect officials.
3
96
383
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
6 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
7
186
379
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
5 years
The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
1
107
377
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Government is not a team. It is a loose confederation of warring tribes.
4
115
381
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Civil servants have an extraordinary genius for wrapping up a simple idea to make it sound extremely complicated.
12
78
376
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Minister, two basic rules of government: Never look into anything you don't have to. And never set up an enquiry unless you know in advance what its findings will be.
5
102
383
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
I was young and green and had not yet fully realized that the Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets but to protect officials.
2
87
368
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
‘Controversial’ only means this will lose you votes. 'Courageous' means this will lose you the election.
1
86
358
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
3
107
371
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
2 years
May I say just one more thing?
10
102
371
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file.
2
96
365
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Politicians like to panic. They need activity. It's their substitute for achievement.
3
93
365
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Technology this, technology that, it's all poppycock! At heart, Government will always revolve around paper. It burns quicker.
5
81
364
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Three articles of Civil Service: it takes longer to do things quickly; it is more expensive to do them cheaply; it is more democratic to do them in secret.
5
115
353
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Civil servants have an extraordinary genius for wrapping up a simple idea to make it sound extremely complicated.
7
75
356
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Civil servants have an extraordinary genius for wrapping up a simple idea to make it sound extremely complicated.
6
69
357
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
No, no, Minister! Corruption could never be government policy. That is unthinkable! Only government practice.
2
90
358
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The Prime Minister doesn't want the truth, he wants something he can tell Parliament.
2
86
352
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
The Foreign Office are not spineless. It takes a great deal of strength to do nothing all the time.
1
79
346
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Yes, but cigarette taxes pay for a third of the cost of the National Health Service. We are saving many more lives than we otherwise could because of those smokers who voluntary lay down their lives for their friends. Smokers are national benefactors.
3
78
353
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Government is not a team. It is a loose confederation of warring tribes.
1
85
345
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Civil servants have an extraordinary genius for wrapping up a simple idea to make it sound extremely complicated.
8
67
347
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
The Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets, it is to protect officials.
5
94
352
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
4 years
Too much civil service work consists of circulating information that isn't relevant about subjects that don't matter to people who aren't interested.
5
92
349
@YesSirHumphrey
Sir Humphrey Appleby
@YesSirHumphrey
3 years
Three articles of Civil Service: it takes longer to do things quickly; it is more expensive to do them cheaply; it is more democratic to do them in secret.
0
85
347