XOSchitzo @XOSchitzo Twitter profile

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

I don't try to make a good first impression bc it's disappointing to the person that meets me again.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

I'm sorry I broke your imaginary internet rules.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

Just because you love somebody doesn't mean you don't think about drop-kicking them every once in a while..

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

I don't steal tweets. Mine are original works of genuine crap.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

Trying to find cell phone signal is my form of yoga.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

It's not a skeleton in your closet if it still has skin.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

Bats are still cute & I don't blame them for any of this.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

Are my mental disorders apparent in my Tweets?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

A well-read woman has the potential to break hearts. A well-read dreamer definitely will.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

I read your jokes to my cat. He didn't laugh either.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

You act like you should put less dick in your coffee.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

Take time to stop & smell the roses. Unless it's winter. Then they're dead. So scurry the fuck along.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

I like people more from a distance... With like... Idk.. a computer or phone between us.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

If it weren't for emotions, I'd be relatively sane.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

"Yes. There's a monster under your bed. Leave it alone."

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

Please don't speak to me as if I owe you a damn thing.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

Don't fall in love with me. Don't miss me. Don't need me. Don't want me. Don't even fucking like me. Do better.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

There are parents on FB who have no idea they bought their teen daughters selfie sticks to take shots of their asses at different angles.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

If you're gonna be a miserable piece of shit, at least have a sense of humor about it.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

Self restraint? What if I really, really want it though?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Yes, I'm still bitter that Twitter replaced stars with hearts.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

8 years

Animals in Need If interested in fostering/adopting animals, or if you'd like to help them by RTing awareness, check out @mustluvpugsxo .

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

You're allowed to waterboard a baby if you call it a baptism.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Sex is cool but does your brain have the functionality to think about other things?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

Show me on this receipt where I bought into your shit.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

I wouldn't survive an apocalypse. My skin can't even handle certain brands of soap.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

Reminder: Be funnier.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

8 years

We need more spelling bee champions to become tattoo artists.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

Counting on my fingers really kills my Blackjack game.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

*stars both sides of an argument*

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

That theory we're actually already in Hell makes some strong & valid points.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

Guess it wasn't the best year to buy a theme park season pass.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

YOU'RE TALKING LIKE THIS & I'm gonna need you to talk like this.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

While you're out of my league, could you grab me a soda?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

If you run out of sandpaper, you could use my personality- that should work.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

White ppl that say they hate white ppl are the white ppl everybody hates.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

A real friend would've killed me by now.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

Drugs are nothing without somebody to do them.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 months

@marcuslind90 @githii Nah, we do think this is weird, too.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

8 years

I'd explain, but I don't want to talk to you.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

It bugs me when zombies take a few bites from one person then hop on to the next. They're wasting fucking food.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

CPR is cancelled until further notice. Do your best not to drown or to drown fast.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

Clowns love makeup sex.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

My shit tweets are to test your tolerance & loyalty.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Stop being a pussy. This is called bloodletting & it's for your own good.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

I'm gonna destroy this toddler at mini golf.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Witches only use cursive when they're writing evil spells.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 months

I miss the days when beating the shit out of machines made them work again.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

One of these days, I'm gonna put my arm out & a crow will land on it & it'll be majestic as fuck.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

If silence is golden, then the silent treatment is a golden treatment & you should feel honored to have such a gift bestowed upon you.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

Facebook movies? Did hell hit rock bottom?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Ghosts that rob banks are committing poltergheists.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

8 years

I'm not even real. You've imagined my entire account. Get help.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

@DisFanGirlDope @Ayoo_LynnBaby If the baby actually gets it, you can still feel okay about sending a gift. The baby didn't cross anybody.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

It's okay, credit card. Nobody accepts me either.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Belong nowhere. Blend in anywhere.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

I suspect my cat is in the meowfia.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

The real fun begins after you accept you're an embarrassment.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

8 years

*receives roses* Great. Something else to take care of. Thanks.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

If I were a piñata, kids would be disappointed to beat me & find only questions & apologies.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

Silence, please. The characters in my head are waking up.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

8 years

The only way to kill a werewolf is to throw Coors Light at it.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

I'm not a good person but I'm pretty damn okay.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

"Because it annoys me" is a solid reason.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

The "No Smoking" sign doesn't apply to me.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

I was thinking earlier.. there aren't enough romantic greeting cards that begin with: "I'd like to wake you up with kisses to the vagina."

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Everybody knows ugly ppl ain't got no alibi, which makes them prime suspects.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

Social interaction, you say? No thank you, I say.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

8 years

"Sorry." Narrator: but she wasn't sorry.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

Memories are weird. I can't remember your name but I remember disliking you.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

From one piece of shit to another? You're not that bad.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

If Spiderman knocked a chick up, would they have a human baby, possibly with spider abilities, or hundreds of baby spiders, possibly with human abilities?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 months

Potatoes are a top-tier vegetable.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don't find out about each other.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

I'd like to apologize but I'm not remotely sorry.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

It doesn't matter what you think. Rum agrees with me!

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

"Survival of the fittest" is the newest standard healthcare plan.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Bills are basically ransom letters.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

All I did was wake up, why is everybody angry?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

7 years

Ditches aren't the worst place to sleep.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

You ever spend four hours putting off something bc it's gonna take two hours?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

I'm way too nice to some of you buttplugs.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

Apparently this machete makes me seem unapproachable. Good.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

8 years

I want a snobbish well that throws pennies back at people.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Look, Idgaf what your age, race, sex, sexual preference, class, or whatever is. If you're a cool individual, you're cool. If you're a fucking douche, then guess what?- you're a fucking douche.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

Some chick got salty that I called another chick a chick. ???

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 months

@MomOnFire They will be sad if your presents aren't in attendance.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 months

I'm being romantic, you dumb fuck.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

11 years

Manic-depression takes me from no self-esteem to egotistical bitch; confidence or arrogance may vary.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

The red heart emoji means they want to fuck.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

*living best life* Well, this sucks.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

5 years

There's probably a bunch of cool ppl following me that I'd wanna follow back but going through the accounts is a lot of work & I'm lazy as shit.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

1 year

Assholes Live Forever, y'all.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

Being stupid isn't the problem; it's thinking you're smarter than you are that's the problem.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

8 months

Are you done being fucking annoying now?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

Who needs television when you have psychotic episodes?

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

I don't know what you want from me but don't get your hopes up.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

9 years

Shoutout to fat-bottomed girls for makin the rockin' world go round.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

4 years

I am now providing terrible dating advice. What is your issue? Let's make it worse.

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XOSchitzo

@XOSchitzo

6 months

@50centKelvin Cheers to pork & pussy! 🍻

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