SneezingWithWetMascara @WetMascara Twitter profile | Pikagi

Pikagi

SneezingWithWetMascara

@WetMascara

20,057

Followers

1,816

Following

3,712

Media

87,859

Statuses

Yes, THAT Thanksgiving tweet. My Faves: Recent Tweets in Link Below.

https://t.co/evyyOCCoXp

Joined December 2016

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

Pinned Tweet

@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

The Thanksgiving I was 37, I was dating a 45 year old guy, and my sister (who was 33) was dating the 25 year old son of the guy I was dating. Partway through Thanksgiving dinner, my dad got up, went outside, and mowed my sister's yard to calm himself down.

@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Thanksgiving Eve, the son and I got drunk and commiserated about how the dad was emotionally unavailable, while my sister did the Thanksgiving meal prep.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

My favorite memory of the 25 y.o. son (who was hot but not smart) was him sitting on the couch with my 11 year old son watching a grown up stand-up comedy show. It would go: Joke. My son laugh. 25 lean over & whisper to my son. My son explain the joke. 25 y.o. laugh.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Me: We broke up. Nail Tech Guy: Good. I don't like him. He was too old & ugly for you, his motorcycle jacket was stupid & he was here for 20 minutes while you got your nails done & didn't go to the register to surprise you by paying like every GOOD boyfriend that comes in does.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

If this story becomes an original streaming series, I would like it to be called: How I Met His Father

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

When I asked my sister how she could deal with him being stupid, she said, "He fucks like a champ," and took a long drag off her cigarette.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Thanksgiving Eve, the son and I got drunk and commiserated about how the dad was emotionally unavailable, while my sister did the Thanksgiving meal prep.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I called my sister crying. She came over. Later she said, "the saddest thing I've ever seen is you crying while picking peas and carrots out of steamed rice 20 minutes after you knew the man you were picking them out for wasn't coming. You were like Delta Dawn with her suitcase."

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

"What the fuck does that even mean?" asked the son. "I don't know, but I sure seem to pick men like that," I said, with my mouth full of Fritos and French Onion Dip.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Next time at the nail salon, the nail tech guy said, snarkily, "where's your man?' My sister:

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

My dad mowing the lawn during dinner.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

A week after Thanksgiving, the dad decided he needed space, to which I replied you could have told me that before you met my dad who now gets to be right. So we broke up.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

At that time the dad had not confirmed to either of us whether he would join us for Thanksgiving because, "I'm not a planner; I'm spontaneous."

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I stopped laughing. We got in the car. 25 y.o. guy gets back in, and says, "Hey, did I ever tell y'all about that time I ran over myself with my own car?" Me:

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

12 years later I'm single & ready to eat some Pringles. Take that dump before you leave the house. Put the car in park & the emergency brake on if you change your oil. If the son is too big an idiot to date, don't date the dad who raised him. Peace, Love, & Pinch It Off.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

25 y.o. one time smoked pot and put my groceries up for me while my sister and I were getting ready to go out. My pantry was fucked up for a month. He didn't even put like things together. Just stacked things in there willy nilly. Pot is a gateway drug to a fucked up pantry.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

A few weeks later, I met up with my sister and him at a bar. Walking in, he said, "that looks like my dad's truck." Sure enough, it was. He introduced me to his dad. And it was happily never after from there.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

The son & I were hungover the next morning at my sister's house. The dad texted her, the son, and me that he was joining. She woke us up. The son shrieked, "Look at us, we're clearly hungover, we've got to get READY!" I knocked him out of the way to get in the bathroom first.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

When my sister was dating the 25 y.o., who was 8 years younger than her, my dad took joy in periodically asking her, "Do you remember when you were 7 and we [*insert random made up thing*]?" When she would inevitably have to say no, he would say, "Neither does your boyfriend.'

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I met the 25 y.o. at a party. He said he had his own travel trailer (parked nearby) & he was looking for a friend with benefits. (This was back when people said that stuff IRL instead of in DM's) Pointing to my sister, I said, "there's the right sister for you to say that to."

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Me: You know I have OCD tendencies &couldn't stop until it was done. Sister: That's why I helped you finish. Also I don't like peas & carrots & wanted chicken & rice since it was already cooked. Then we sang a little Tanya Tucker's 🎵Delta Dawn what's that flower you have on🎵

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

@Parkerlawyer When you have an amazing prize, you keep it to yourself.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

He was doing his own oil change on a slope with the car in neutral, and the car rolled over him.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

One time, we were all in the car going somewhere. We had to stop and the 25 y.o. guy change a flat. As he crouched down to do so, he said, "I should have taken that dump before I left the house." My sister said, "Finish your laughing fit before we all get back in the car."

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

The night of the I need space breakup, I was supposed to be cooking him dinner of chicken and rice. He didn't like carrots and peas, but I only had steam in bag rice with peas and carrots. So I was using a fork to pick out the peas and carrots when he called about needing space.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Except it turned out 25 had not entirely figured it out. He just thought 2ND GUY was "too flirty". "Don't you think he was too flirty," he said, carrying a heavy table by himself. Me: "You're very strong." 25 y.o.: "Thank you." And that was that.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

The mask made it hard to tell who it was at first, but you know how your old mistakes give off an energy. Something told me:

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I don't know if this is turning into a polyamorous story per se, but it definitely got poly- humourous.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

My sister was not exclusively seeing the 25 y.o. You know how cougars gonna coug. She told 25 y.o. & a DIFFERENT guy (her age) she was helping me move. The dad feeling guilty about the breakup sent his son the 25 y.o. over to help my sister help me move & THE 2ND GUY SHOWS UP.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

For years, if my sister or I had to stop somewhere to go to the bathroom, we'd say, "I should have taken that dump before I left the house." It was funny every time.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

He was meaning to say "my girlfriend's sister" but kept saying my sister. Sometimes he would add, "My dad was terrible to her," which made it sound like our mutual father did something to me.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

At lunch, they both figure it out. We get back, 2ND GUY offers me a ride on the new Harley. My sister says she wants to go for a ride. 25 y.o. says to 2ND GUY about his leather Harley vest: Dude that vest adds like 50 pounds on you, which you don't have room for. Me:

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

2ND GUY shows up on his brand new Harley, which my sister is chomping at the bit to ride but can't let on. I go in the house among the mess, pour liquor in a Disney princess cup and come sit on the curb to watch the show.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Told my sister to get him reined in. She said, "He's being sweet." I said, "He's making me have to pay for my own drinks. It's a fucking crisis."

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

We were not like peas and carrots.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

My sister is struggling a bit with the shelf but insisting she can carry it and he doesn't need to help. She forbade me to get out of the car. Me: DID YOU TELL HIM WHAT I SAID? Her: Yes Me: DID SHE? Him: She told me you said I'm a mother fucker. Me: PERFECT. Let him help.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Because it wasn't entirely clear the young guy wasn't there for me, because when 2ND GUY got there 25 y.o. was carrying my full size overstuffed couch up the stairs BY HIMSELF. But no, we all get in one car and ride to the restaurant. I played O.P.P. in the cd player.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Then I came home and tweeted this. And I have laughed so hard.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I ran into the Dad at the convenience store today. First time I'd seen him in 12 years. That motherfucker is lucky we weren't near any canned peas or carrots, because I would have needed bail money. Instead, upon realizing it was him - I backed out of the aisle before he saw me.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

It was funny every time.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

My mother never knew his correct name for some reason. But he just let her call him the name that was similar to his but not correct. Fuck. Maybe HE didn't know his correct name.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

🎵Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? & did I hear you say he was meeting you here today To take you to his mansion in the sky? All the folks round Brownsville say she's crazy Cause she walks dowtown with a suitcase in her hand Looking for a mysterious dark-haired man🎵

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

My sister said I would treat them both to lunch for helping, which I had said, but I meant two different days another time so we weren't all at the table together.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Then my sister and I saw him go by the window on the mower.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

P.S. The 25 y.o. got his travel trailer repossessed and had to move back in with his dad.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I am so glad people have enjoyed this. Another 25 y.o. story. Out at a bar with my sister, him, and other friends. 25 y.o. drunk and coming up to any guy who talked to me saying, "You treat my sister good, you hear me." Which you know men love to hear that.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

We played a domino game that if things went wrong, you might have to draw a bunch of dominoes, messing up your score. The guy I was dating suggested limiting the number of dominoes drawn to "make it more fair" and got a majority to take his side. My competitive dad's face:

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

For anyone wondering, this Thanksgiving will be potluck. Bring a hot guy, his dad, and a dish.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

It was a pre Halloween to right after Thanksgiving short term thing, so I don't have as many stories as I do about the son who was around 6 to 9 months.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

25 making pancakes while high.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

My dad when the guy I was dating was describing the Pineapple Express scene:

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

But on one date, I was in the bathroom finishing getting ready. The Dad, who I was dating, knocked on the door and said, "pinch it off, let's go."

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

At that Thanksgiving dinner, I can't remember if we were watching Pineapple Express or if the Dad just kept quoting lines from it at the table. He was clearly no big loss, but it was the holidays and almost my birthday so I was like 🎵 holiday boyfriend 🎵.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I loaned the young guy a little shelf. After he and my sister broke up, we went to get it, at his Dad's. My sister walks out with the Dad and the shelf, and I, having had a couple of the Presidente margaritas at Chili's, yell, "Did you tell him what I said?"

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

The dominoes were after the mowing during the meal. How the mowing started was we were just sitting at the table thinking my dad had gone to get some dessert for himself and heard the mower start up.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

My sister: let's just close some blinds, we're getting a glare.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

"Is that the mower? Is somebody mowing? Who's mowing on Thanksgiving?"

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

For those on Team25, he was lovable fun, while he lasted. He turned out to ultimately handle relationships a lot like his daddy, though. Looked him up on FB today. Seems to be doing well living across the country. (He's currently 37, the age I was then.) Has some troubling views.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

I can't get rid of that. It's a load-bearing grudge.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

How come when Ben Affleck gets back with his ex it's a love story many years in the making but when I do it I'm a complete moron?

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

He is still:

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SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Scrolling the FB of 25 (who is now 37):

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I do still look back on 25 nostalgically. He was always unintentionally entertaining.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

One time 25 was hanging out at my house while my sister and I went shopping. He smoked pot and cooked pancakes, and there was pancake mix powder, batter and syrup all over the kitchen. Worse than any mess my kids ever left.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Delta Dawn on YouTube with Lyrics.

Tweet card media

Tanya Tucker - Delta Dawn

Tanya Tucker singing Delta Dawn with lyrics

www.youtube.com

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I'm what psychologists refer to as "a bit much".

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

@janette_kj And then a few minutes later, "is that the mower"?

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver. Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka? And that was when I knew he was the one.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

THIS is the Pineapple Express scene the Dad was describing during Thanksgiving dinner. The "fuck you in the street" scene.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

One man's "she's a slut" is another man's "I'm so lucky she's with me."

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Unsolved Mysteries: We don't know what happened, and now neither do you.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

Marshall Law is when, in times of national emergency, Eminem takes over governing our country and commanding our military. You only get one shot.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

About 2 a.m. this morning, my grown son (who was the 10 y.o. explaining stand-up comedy to 25) told me: "Your tweet about Thanksgiving is on Reddit under White People Twitter."

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

I can't wait until it's my turn to date Pete Davidson.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

It's my goal to track down any person who was unhappy about this thread, tell them I love them, and see if my dad will mow their grass. Namaste.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

The most important rule in Monopoly is that the game's not over until everyone is crying or angry.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

Why do I need a husband? I already have a cat who can't load the dishwasher right.

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

*pronouncing testosterone to rhyme with pepperoni*

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SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

@johnvvariety On 9/11/01, my friend's boyfriend called her to wake her up with the news. Her boyfriend: Brace yourself. It's the worst possible thing you can imagine. My friend: Oh, my God! Is Madonna dead?!?

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

My son's Reddit comment: "I'm not lying when I say this is my mom's Twitter and now I have to go tell her I saw her twitter on Reddit."

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@WetMascara

SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don't shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

Today a male colleague gestured to me to step into a small side conference room with him. Then we spent 20 minutes animatedly bitching about something that had just happened in the main conference room, and I have never had 20 more satisfying minutes with a man.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

Not to be a bitch. ~ Me, about to be a bitch.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

The power of cunnilingus compels you.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

You can't fix stupid, but I did marry and divorce it once.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

Take off your bra, we're going to Walmart.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

How all my quarantine nudes look.

Tweet media one

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SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people. Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

If you sunburn your penis, I'm going to call you Dickarus, for flying too close to the sun.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

1 year

I am BEGGING people to stop taking advice from Gwyneth Paltrow.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

Your genitals are adequate for my purposes. ~ me sexting

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SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

If I die, erase my nudes...after using them in the slideshow set to music about my life that will be shown at my funeral.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

2019: The floor is lava. 2020: The year is lava.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

The subtle art of fixing your car by turning up the radio.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

My mantra.

Tweet media one

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SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

I only had a small, silent breakdown in the Wendy's drive thru but pulled myself together before reaching the pay window, because that's what legends do.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

4 years

I got one of those Lassie dogs and named her Collie Parton because she enjoys barking 9 to 5.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

2 years

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

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SneezingWithWetMascara

3 years

Saw a beautiful chicken running today. Poultry in motion.

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