Dan Ewen Ⓥ @VaguelyFunnyDan Twitter profile

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

5 years

Los Angeles. Come for the potentially lucrative career in the arts. Stay for the you're too old to start over and you have no skills that apply anywhere else.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

Think L.A. is all fun and games? Try jumping into your kids' preschool for Daddies Do Storytime Day, and feeling pretty good about your performance, only to have Bill fucking Hader walk in to read next.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

It's wrong to use Trump's father's KKK membership against him when Donald has worked tirelessly to become a horrific racist on his own terms

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

The people who suspended our entire government over a blowjob are refusing to look into a foreign power's takeover of the White House.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

As a child I became very spoiled by my free lunches. I'd strut home to our studio apartment in my knock-off Reeboks, pour myself a styrofoam cup of tap water and brag to the roaches about it until the city bus returned my single mom from her minimum wage job.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

I love that this shark contacted them like, "Why did you use my picture? I didn't do that shit!" and they added a clarification.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

I made this in case you want your kids to be more involved in the rapidly accelerating perversion of our democracy.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

Trevor Moore and I once convinced a major studio to actually pay us to write something called "Farting Cat". He was brilliant, a dynamo, conspiracy theorist, satirist, friend, husband, father, and, as he asked to be called in the event of his death, a local sexpot. Goodbye, Buddy

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

10 years

Just so we're clear, the day Twitter folds we're moving this entire fucking thing to the Nutella product review thread at Amazon.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

It's a slippery slope. I mean, if you say the mentally deranged can't have military-grade assault rifles then who's next? Convicted domestic abusers? Violent felons? It's like, where does it stop?

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

12 years

I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

Why should we believe all these fat cat journalists, with their cushy $37,000+ salaries, ostentatious soups & reasonably new Honda Civics?

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

The screenwriting tip making "Save the Cat" obsolete. You're welcome.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

One thing's for sure. When I buy a good or use a service I would also like that company to email me five, maybe six times a week.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

10 years

Hey Pets, No more free ride, assholes! http://t.co/6ueqHDQWin

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

FUN FACT: The nicer the car you allow to merge in front of you, the less likely you are to receive a courtesy wave from the driver.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

You know, a few years ago I would've been 100% against this.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

6 years

DIRECTOR: Dig deeper! ACTOR: I'm trying. DIRECTOR: Who's dead? Who left you?! ACTOR: My... Nana. DIRECTOR: Believed in you? ACTOR: (trembling) She did. DIRECTOR: She's gone. Forever.... Aaand action. ACTOR: Hi, if you're watching this you're a new employee at Popeye's Chicken...

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

Guys, @cylonhater420 is an ER doctor who is very dear to me. Please show him some Twitter love as he works on the front lines.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

If you find a friend who'll read your screenplay within 20 months of receiving it, NEVER. LET. THEM. GO.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

There's a unique strain of blind rage simmering in white men who've failed to fully capitalize on their privilege.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

What my daughter lacks in spelling prowess she makes up for with bravery. #Pride2017

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

Still denying climate change? This was taken 20 minutes ago in Dayton.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

1 year

The weakest take is, "Jimmy Carter is a good person but a bad President." Check the tape. He was trying to save us from our worst angels. We weren't good enough for HIM.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

Did you guys see that Nazi get an alternative high-five?

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

"As we commit our brave young men to a costly and bloody war across the Pacific, I wish to bring attention to how many listeners heard my Pearl Harbor speech. The ratings were massive, higher than any episode of "Flash Gordon" ever. You know, the libtard media wants to..." - FDR

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

Sooooo an honest, humble public servant who was right about almost every issue of his day and was opposed by an alliance of "trickle-down" hucksters and zealots led by a repackaged television personality?

Donald Trump Jr.

@DonaldJTrumpJr

3 years

Biden isn’t the next FDR he’s the next Jimmy Carter.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

With a pair of up & comers at @LargoLosAngeles . Keep an eye on @PattonOswalt and @MrGeorgeWallace . Loads of potential if they can harness it

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

6 years

Guess it's official. We'll be declaring war on space before someone in Flint can safely drink a glass of fucking water.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

"Donald, want to go over some Iraq talking points before the debate?" "Nah, I think I'll just shame a woman for her husband's infidelity."

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

12 years

It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

How's the Senate supposed to keep working with the whole chamber covered in Mountain Dew?

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

"Jimmy Carter is out of line to say a full investigation would reveal that Russia got Trump elected," say the people who've spent years obstructing full investigations into whether Russia got Trump elected.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

Squirrels are the monkeys of North America and you will respect them as such.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

12 years

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

I'm still waiting for the Republicans to find and kill the turkeys Obama pardoned.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

9 years

Sorry if you've seen this, but it could save lives so I'm reposting. Sharks win when we try to swim away.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

2 years

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

Length of time you must wait to joke about a dead person, cross-referenced with how big of a fuckface they were.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

Are we really just gonna sit here and pretend it's not amazing as fuck that spiders shit booby traps?

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

6 years

One of my pet peeves is when a conglomerate of racists, zealots, profiteers and foreign spies hijacks the American Presidency, steals the Supreme Court, begins purging voters by the millions and dissolves the separation of church and state. Also people who chew loudly.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

Melania's handbags were gonna be so fierce that cyber-bullies would flee the US to avoid being blinded by their fabulousness.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

Oh, nothing to see here... Just a mad dash to complete the biggest money grab in the history of mankind while the treason of the sitting President of the United States of America is confirmed. Move along.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

6 years

How does every company in the world have the technology to know the product you're shopping for and to nag you incessantly about it, but not the technology to know you've made the purchase and they can leave you the fuck alone?

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

12 years

Killer prank idea. Cut your finger off, then barely re-attach it. Tell someone to pull it. It comes off. They scream. Optional: Still fart.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

We talk about "heroes" a lot, but what Trump did in waiting to bring up Bill's affairs 'til 7 minutes after the debate? Purple Heart time.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

Mentally preparing myself for the nauseating parade of Republicans, suddenly acting outraged by something they knew was the case all along. You are complicit. FUCK YOU.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

This is crazy. Just checked all my old photos and Lev Parnas was my best friend throughout the '90s.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

Has anyone considered taking America out of the Nintendo, blowing in it, then putting it back?

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

Discredit the media. Discredit real intelligence. Slowly become THE source of information. Doesn't take an expert to see what Trump is doing

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

12 years

I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

Trust what a man tweets on a toilet at 5:12am, not what he says in a speech delivered by teleprompter and written by nine people.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

10 years

DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all. (Tin Man turns to Lion) TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

And the Son of God said unto them, "I dunno, like a button up shirt tucked into khakis? Some boat shoes? Look nice, but not red carpet nice"

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

My father passed away trying to binge shows on his phone while eating sunflower seeds from a nearby container and discarding the shells in a second container. The process was so jumbled, so he got confused and died. Progress always comes too late.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

It's insane how election tampering went from crackpot theory to unsettling possibility to actual Republican policy in just a few years.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

Well if pretending to be your friend, then revealing myself as a cop & arresting you on drug charges makes me a "Narc" then fine I'm a Narc!

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

10 years

Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?" Me: "No, just the 8 items for $172, thanks"

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

10 years

We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

My Jewish bros & I are gonna sneak up on those "Jews will not replace us" dudes & when they're not looking we're totally gonna replace 'em.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

Sorry Jen Garner drove you to drink by being lovely, kind, and sincere and having beautiful children with you and being their room mom at school while also furthering her career and still finding time to make delicious soups and crepes and shit. Thoughts and prayers.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

"I made you a sleep box." "A what?" "A sleep box. To sleep in." "Oh, um... You didn't have to do that." "Try the sleep box." "..." "Try the sleep box, Honey." "Mark, it's just a little insomnia. I'm sure it'll--" "Get in the Goddamned sleep box!!!"

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

It makes perfect sense now that Trump's cabinet appointments have been a Russian nesting doll of increasingly horrific assholes.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

BREAKING: The seven people who still believe Trump is "draining the swamp" meet at an Alabama Hardee's for a rally and 20pc. chicken tenders

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

Assholes: "Keep politics out of sports!" The NBA:

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

12 years

I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

. @realDonaldTrump Bro, it just feels like the FBI is biased against treason, and the best way to avoid them being biased against you or whatever is to, like, not commit treason.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

The worst is when you click on a tweet about Pringles and it turns out to be sponsored. I am here for organic, grassroots Pringles-related discourse, you corporate whores.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

6 years

Who started letting Michelin tell us where to eat? "They make hella good all-terrain tires, so they must know a good risotto when they taste it."

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

6 years

It's sad 'cause for a moment those pigeons thought they hit the mother lode.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

These fucking math gangs are out of control.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

Hatch Act? Fucker is sabotaging an election and pre-negating any negative outcome. He's literally pardoning the treason that elected him and we're talking about the Hatch Act? There are secret police taking people away. This shit-show blew past the Hatch Act years ago.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

A gorgeous woman's been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

9 years

No matter how you felt about him, we can all agree that #Scalia was a soulless, hateful, cadaver-eyed monster, trapped in the Dark Ages. RIP

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

He only ran over three poors during this.

Marco Rubio

@marcorubio

4 years

Democratic Socialism sounds benign. It’s not. It’s built on Marxism.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

10 years

It's only a matter of time before we see senseless shootings in America too.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

12 years

If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

If a candidate giving paid speeches upsets you more than a candidate going to court about child rape, maybe, like, rethink your whole deal.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

3 years

Just managed to spend $300 at Trader Joe's, which is the equivalent of buying an entire Whole Foods and all adjacent properties.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

2 years

"My life today is wonderful. I believe that I am needed. That's the most important sense of life, that you are needed. That you are not just an emptiness that breathes and walks and eats something." - Zelensky

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

If EMAILS are making you OK with a President who thinks it should be legal to fire people for being gay, maybe like, rethink your whole deal

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

4 years

@AOC It sucks, because for years my go-to greeting was vigorously rubbing the person's gums with my fingertips.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

6 months

Great pic of my nephew Dale in Birmingham. That whipper-snapper is dividing, just like his daddy did. Definitely has his momma's cytoplasm though.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

"The next cabinet interviewee's here" "Do they have no experience & literally oppose everything the position entails?" "Yes" "Send em in"

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

8 years

It's so strange how cops started murdering black people once everyone had camera phones. We should get rid of these phones so they stop.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

Don't call yourself an "outdoorsman" if you support the destruction of the outdoors. You may just be a weirdo who likes killing animals.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

URGENT: Let the Mutual Dinosaur Belief System change your life!!! Thanks @MookieWilsonNY1 !!!

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

9 years

So THIS happened today. It led to a pretty humbling deluge of support with only a few folks saying I suck. Thanks all http://t.co/B9eY2MChvC

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

1 year

Can we all agree now that the last person on Earth has to put up a giant Spirit Halloween sign?

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

7 years

I used to wonder how cult leaders got 300 people to follow them, until I watched half of the United States get successfully gaslighted by a dude fresh off a Wrestlemania cameo.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

12 years

My wife is doing this elaborate four-year prank where she leaves me and starts another family in Ohio and looks extremely happy on Facebook.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

This is my delightfully wiggy, relentlessly unique, devoutly sarcastic little cousin, Carrie. Today she became the latest victim of an opioid epidemic that has taken far too many irreplaceable people from us. I will never forget her.

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

5 years

RICK: So, how's your girl? JESSE: Great thanks. RICK: Has she been watching you with those eyes? JESSE: Totes. RICK: And loving you with that body? JESSE: Yup. RICK: I just knew it. JESSE: And get this, I've been holding her in my arms, late late at night. (Rick grimaces)

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Dan Ewen Ⓥ

@VaguelyFunnyDan

6 months

Huge news! Turns out kindness is easy!