Uncle Bob 🍩 @UncleBob56 Twitter profile

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 days

Confucius say: Butcher who backs into meat grinder gets behind in work.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

6 months

Hello darkness my old friend. I stood up way too fast again.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 months

Paper towels are just napkins on the cob.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

2 years

Well, well, well. Rock bottom has a basement.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

6 months

What do you call an alien with three balls? An extrateresticle. Don't get up. I'll show myself out.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

6 months

I just finished a kids meal at McDonald’s. His mom was pissed.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

7 years

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS? Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast? N: Yes? M: I can't do that.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

1 month

Don't put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

9 years

Next time you buy a sandwich for a homeless guy, maybe you could skip the selfie.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

2 months

The first 50 years of childhood are always the hardest.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

9 years

Her: You're the coolest guy on twitter. Me: Thanks mom.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

Hey. Nobody said life was fair. Of course, nobody said that life would suck beyond all human understanding at times either.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

6 months

"You need to take better care of yourself." - four physicians that I've outlived

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

4 years

When I lived in town it was a 5 minute walk to the bar. It was a 30 minute walk home. The difference was staggering.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

1 year

I asked my daughter for a phone book. She said “You’re such a boomer,” and handed me her phone. Anyway the wasp is dead, and my daughter’s phone has seen better days.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

2 months

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was two hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

9 years

I got your DM. Stay in school.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 years

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, hey you're really good at this!

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

Reasons I may have unfollowed you: 1. I had a stroke 2. Twitter did it 3. Drunk tweeting 4. You are a self absorbed bigot racist shit

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

9 years

[answering machine] "Hi Mom, leave a message"

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 years

It's kinda weird being the same age as old people.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

9 years

You still dating that girl on the Internets? -Yeah mom. What's her name? -Bubbles69NoDms That's a nice name.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 years

Twitter kind of reminds me of that fine line between hobby and mental illness.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

8 months

Want to get out in public but avoid people? The library may be right for you.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

Cow tipping. In this economy?

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

5 years

Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

2 months

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She's gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 months

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 years

I put up a "BEWARE OF DOG" sign so burglers don't trip over him and get hurt.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 months

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, hey you're really good at this!

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

4 years

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me? Me: You sound like my wife.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

1 year

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

There are two ways to live life: Like you will die tomorrow, and like you never will. -unknown

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

7 months

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry... ... don't get up. I'll show myself out.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 years

Crazy is part of her charm.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 years

It's illegal to tell a dad joke if you’re not a dad. You'd be committing a faux pa.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 years

I noticed you pour the milk in the bowl before the cereal. That explains a lot.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 years

Ever drive through a stop light and think to yourself, what color was that light? Me neither.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

8 years

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line? Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma G-ma: Can he use my walker? He's been drinking.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

"Oh, for fucks sakes." "Grandma quiet! The preacher was just trying to make a point."

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

Blocked but not reported as spam. Yeah, she likes me.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

You are the thunder that moves me and yes.... I just fell off of the couch.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

9 months

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

2 years

Covid, monkeypox, recession and... now I find dust on top of my fridge! Can this decade get any worse?

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

You had me at "Bathes regularly".

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 years

I don't want to do winter anymore.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 years

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00! *Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

2 months

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

11 years

Take a break from twitter and READ A BOOK.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

6 months

If by diet you mean sharing a bite of sandwich with my dog then yes, I've been known to diet.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

4 years

The wheel was invented in 3500 BC and they put it on my shopping cart.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 years

Be kind. If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

5 months

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

7 years

My bumper sticker: PLEASE HONK IF I LEFT MY BEER ON THE ROOF AGAIN

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

8 years

You damn kids had better settle down. Don't make me pull this twitter over.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 months

I think you guys are just making some of this stuff up.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

4 years

Mini-mart... Her: That's a fifth of bourbon, two 40oz malt liquors, dozen donuts and a pack of cigars. Anything else? Me: Do you sell Fitbits?

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

23 days

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

6 months

Daughter: How do you like your eggs? Me: In a cake.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

1 month

Me: Super size it! Pharmacist: No.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 years

Me: Am I the only one you've ever slept with? Wife: Absolutely... the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

2 years

The worst thing that can happen on a Friday is realizing it’s only Thursday.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

9 years

<-------- calls in sick for doctor's appointment.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

4 years

It's not the heat. It's the stupidity.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 years

Does she even make your binoculars fog up Bro?

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

5 years

When this is all over, I'm going to toilet paper your yard so hard. -me flirting

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

6 months

They don't make muscle cars like they used to.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

2 years

Took a nap yesterday. I never take naps. This is the end isn't it?

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

1 year

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 years

Calm down TurboTax emails! It's only January.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

4 years

That tweet I sent yesterday with zero likes? I demand a recount.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

6 years

Pro tip: In an emergency, ice cream sandwiches can be substituted for milk and bread.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

5 years

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I've found donuts also work very well.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 years

Take me back to simpler times when all we had to worry about was nuclear annihilation.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 months

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

10 years

I really wish some of you were real.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

9 years

My Happy Meal didn't work.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

9 years

Me: Push! Grandkids: But, you're heavy. Me: What did the sign say? Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :(( Me: Rules are rules.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

4 years

I bet Abe Lincoln didn't tweet a bunch of stupid stuff.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

7 months

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

7 years

Used incorrectly, chainsaws can be a powerful weight loss tool.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

3 years

Back in 1974 my buddies and I went to see Mott the Hoople at the Harrisburg Farm Show Arena. We shelled out $4.50 for tickets, got high, drank Boones Farm Apple and jammed. They had two opening bands. Aerosmith and Queen. They were pretty good too. True story

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56

6 years

Most of my tweets go straight to DVD.

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Uncle Bob 🍩

@UncleBob56