shiba ennui @TomSchally Twitter profile

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

6 months

I'm unemployed at heart, and no job will ever change that.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

6 years

It's called Florida.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

5 months

the secret to work-life balance is inherited wealth

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

6 years

@kelllicopter That I’m constantly at war with myself.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

11 years

Discovering I was colorblind came completely out of the orange.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

8 months

It’s been a while since romaine lettuce tried to kill us.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

4 years

Not gonna let this $600 change me. Gotta to stay humble.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

It's not a "junk drawer," it's a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

It's like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

More people would use gambling addiction hotlines if every 10th caller was a winner.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

4 years

A blowjob from a muppet is also a handjob.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

3 years

@ipodmacbook A blowjob from Elmo is also a handjob.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

Deactivating your Facebook account is the new, "I don't even own a TV."

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

I just want someone who loves me for who I am on the internet.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

Whoever decided the spelling of "colonel" is an asshole.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

Russian nesting dolls are so full of themselves.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

2 years

It's like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

5 years

The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 100 million people know that you should fire your ad agency.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

2 years

Chick-fil-A cashier had cowprint nails. This not a fucking game to her.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

Funny how all trust goes away when the TV remote goes missing. Are you sitting on the remote? No. ... Get up.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

11 years

Ziploc's idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

5 years

So, this is what jail is like in Sweden.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

An easy way to tell if a girl is drunk is if she reminds you every few minutes.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

4 years

Uyghurs will be happy to hear about this

CGTN

@CGTNOfficial

4 years

"Black lives matter and their human rights should be guaranteed," said #China 's FM spokesperson on Monday, urging U.S. to eliminate racial discrimination, protect minorities

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

4 years

This week I learned that the U.S. Capitol is easier to get into than a can of beans.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

11 years

I think dogs should be allowed in more places and children under 5 should not.

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@TomSchally

3 years

That halftime show really brought me back. I’m sitting here worried that we’re about to invade Iraq.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

4 years

today is the last day you can retweet this

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

The best way to describe my political views is that I'm strongly opposed to basically everything my high school classmates say on Facebook.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

Slamming your bedroom door and blasting Blink 182 is a lot less meaningful when you don't live with your parents.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

10 years

When a door closes, you fucking open it again because it's a door and that's how they work.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

"Why the fuck would anybody ever put this here!?" -Me, when I trip over anything

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

8 years

Fireworks are illegal in Minnesota so all the family has to play with tonight are some silly little sparklers and automatic assault rifles.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

Lead me not into temptation, I already know the way.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

It's all fun and games until you check your bank statement in the morning.

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@TomSchally

8 years

We did it everyone, we saved daylight.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

How do you spend the time you save by typing 'prolly' instead of 'probably'?

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

11 years

When one door closes and another opens, your house is most likely haunted.

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@TomSchally

6 years

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

10 years

I oppose Taco Tuesday only because it sends the message that other days aren’t also for tacos.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

Life's too short to safely eject USB drives.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

8 years

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

Yes, I’m an adult. But I’m also not coming out of my blanket fort.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

10 years

It's adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I'd somehow forget.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

10 years

For as much as they teach you "Stop, Drop, and Roll" as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

It's not a typo if you clearly didn't know how to spell it.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

“I just need space.” -astronaut break up

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

4 years

How do you make friends? Asking for a—wait fuck.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

10 years

Most people wouldn't recognize irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

10 years

Movie theaters are awesome because you can cry in public and people just assume it's the movie and not everything else in your life.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

12 years

I've got a chip on my shoulder. And down my shirt. I should really stop eating chips in bed.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

6 years

My last relationship was a lot like a presidential term: - It lasted 4 years - It aged me prematurely - My replacement was picked two months before I officially left office

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@TomSchally

7 years

Girls call me Twin Peaks because I am really charming and exciting for like eight weeks then I just get weird and difficult to be around.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

2 years

Dutch is not a language to be taken seriously.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

8 years

"It's 5 o'clock somewhere!" -me climbing into bed

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

10 years

Zuckerberg claims he wears a gray t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He invented Facebook.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

7 years

I’m sorry for slapping the yogurt cup out of your hand but you were done several spoon scrapes ago.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

Go ahead and laugh but one day the floor really will be lava and I’ll be the only one with the skills to survive.

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@TomSchally

8 years

A moment of silence for couples who look like brother and sister.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

10 years

These food stamps taste terrible.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

8 months

Be patient with me, I’m from the 1900s.

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@TomSchally

11 years

Growing up is just framing all your band posters.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

3 years

The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 100 million people know that you should fire your ad agency.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

I hate when family gets all judgy like, “Tom, that's your second box wine today.”

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

11 years

"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

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@TomSchally

8 years

It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

8 years

If I pay $25 to see a haunted house, I better die.

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@TomSchally

10 years

In alcohol's defense, I do some pretty stupid things while sober too.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

7 years

Facetiming in public with your romantic partner is so obnoxious, like I GET IT you have a great data plan.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

I just think "we're not in Kansas anymore" would be extremely comforting news.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

7 years

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving? Me: A scene.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

3 years

@ailishbri oh lorde, get in everyone we’re listening to pure heroine in platform docs, tennis skirts, black denim jackets, and dark cherry lipstick, whilst we walk around the city with our boxed water and john green books taking pics of wet pavement with the caption “babe you look so cool”

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

4 years

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@TomSchally

8 years

I overestimate my charm, which is also a part of my charm.

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@TomSchally

11 years

It's nice that Eminem is still so angry.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

2 years

Daylight savings time is increasingly subtle with digital devices like, “What!? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.” Meanwhile, my stove is screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! I REMEMBER!”

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

6 years

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

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@TomSchally

11 years

My phone claims to have parental controls, but all of their calls keep getting through.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

7 years

Today I was told my tweets are random and pointless. Oh buddy, I’ve got bad news for you about the rest of life.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

9 years

Never throw your sunglasses in a debate. If they happen to land perfectly on your opponent's face there is no possible comeback.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

11 years

Yes, Pandora, I'm still listening. Stop being so needy.

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@TomSchally

11 years

I imagine Freud was difficult to insult with 'your mom' jokes. I bet he was all, "Hell yeah, my mom!"

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@TomSchally

8 years

I hope my bank statement is fake news.

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@TomSchally

7 years

If you listen to Free Bird all the way through, you instantly become manager of a bowling alley.

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@TomSchally

8 years

RIP 2016 (2016-2016)

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

8 years

Hello, 911? This girl at Starbucks is "literally dying."

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

8 years

Don't let anyone use Earth Day to guilt you into going outside - your couch and bed are on Earth too.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

7 years

“Oh, you’re going this way? Cool. Me too.” –Dogs

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@TomSchally

11 years

I think I'll go for a run this afternoon. The beer kind.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

8 years

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

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shiba ennui

@TomSchally

10 years

In Canada it's Ehbola.

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@TomSchally

10 years

“I could care less…” –People who couldn't care less

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@TomSchally

5 years

If you ask me, We Didn’t Start The Fire is the preemptive defense of a guilty conscience. Billy Joel realized exactly what his generation was doing.

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@TomSchally

3 years

A great rule for who you can hook up with at a wedding is “always a bridesmaid, never a bride."

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@TomSchally

10 years

If you die in Canada, do you die in real life?

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@TomSchally

3 years

Kanye West Eminem 🤝 responding poorly to being left by a Kim

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@TomSchally

3 years

If you're still waiting for a second plate of food at Thanksgiving dinner, STAY IN LINE!!

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