You may find it hard to believe, but there was a time when men and women liked each other. That was such a great time for comedy. No one got offended by anything for the simple reason that everyone was too busy having fun.
When a man says: "What?" He wants you to repeat what you said because he didn't hear it the first time. When a woman says: "What?" She heard you clearly the first time. She's just giving you a chance to take it back.
Comedy runs in my family. I got it from my dad, who got it from my grandmother, a Holocaust survivor with a great sense of humor. She introduced me to dark comedy and used to tell me jokes that were passed around in the concentration camps. "Humor was the only thing that kept us
Last night, a cop pulled me over. "License and registration!" He said.
"You don't need to see my license and registration," I replied, "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
We laughed, and next month I'm getting back my license.
In any normal home, the big sofa belongs to the man and the smaller one to the woman. In our house, the big sofa belongs to the woman and the small one to the cat.
Therapist: It's normal and healthy to use your imagination.
Me: Great! Thanks! Bye...
Therapist: Wait! You didn't pay for the session.
Me: Imagine I did.
A warning on a pack of cigarettes saying, "Smoking may lead to heart disease," is like a label on a box of condoms that says, "Sexual intercourse might drag you into a relationship."
OK, let me clarify something. You guys are here to read my jokes. I'm here to make you laugh. If you find my tweets offensive, there's an unfollow button. Use it. Your opinion means nothing to me. Your criticism isn't welcome here. Please, keep the good vibes rolling. Thanks.