☭ The April 💙 @TheEmpressApril Twitter profile

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☭ The April 💙

3 years

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Oh Tomi, Tomi, Tomi. It's "you're", darling. And he's 78. Have a smart person help you with the math, little one, and quit trying to matter. You don't.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Hot Pockets - 1 Cheetos - 0 #JimGaffigan @JimGaffigan Jim Gaffigan

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

The best part of hashtags like #trumpreinstated is that we just get to keep reliving, over and over and over how gloriously stupid these Trump people truly are.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@ask_aubry That's about as Texas as it gets.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 years

I wonder if the guy who sculpted the Baker Mayfield statue just had a torn labrum in his shoulder, but insisted on chiseling anyway.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Can COVID be transmitted through farts? Asking for a friend. Rudy Giuliani.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@theadammcintyre Right. And also you. Guess now you know what it feels like.

adam mcintyre

@theadammcintyre

2 years

johnny depp is innocent, amber is a piece of shit opportunist & a c*nt.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 years

@305Buckeye Tell me you know nothing about the NFL without telling me you know nothing about the NFL. This is the most inaccurate take I've read all month. 🤣

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Did somebody say #Snowmageddon2021 ?

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

@KweenVampire I'm so tired of this narrative for cheap likes. I'm as Democratic and liberal as it gets, but Tebow had an announcer's job before and he happens to be good at it. Kaepernick had his chance to return to football, and the NFL, and he wants WAY more money than he's worth.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 years

Deshaun Watson is meeting with the Falcons today. Where's the tearful goodbye drama-tweet from Matt Ryan, hinting at how "disrespected" he is? Oh wait. Matt Ryan's an adult. Nevermind.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@itsJeffTiedrich I wonder at what point we'll start seeing the Trumpsters lowering their flag to half bumper.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Dear Trump Armada, It was me. Love, Aquaman. #LakeTravis #DumbKirk #soupgate #soup #AntifaTerrorists #poseidon Antifa Navy

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

So, if Republicans dislike minorities, does that mean they hate themselves now?

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 months

She warned you about the Supreme Court eight and a half years ago, bitches. "bUt hEr eMaiLs!" You dumbfux.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@Chocolate_Notre @IvanaE 😆

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

@RexChapman They can, but please, no one try this at home with domesticated rabbits. Domesticated and wild bunnies are very different in terms of what they can tolerate.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

I did not have "Hurriquake" on my bingo card... #earthquake #HurricaneHilary

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

@patriottakes I went jogging without my bra once. Oh, my athe'ing tits.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

Personally, my favorite part of the New York Marathon is watching the reaction of the runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

5 years

Trump cocktail: 8 oz of Baby Formula, 4 oz Russian Vodka, 4 oz Impeachment Schnapps, serve in a ba-ba with a chilled nipple. #TrumpResign #TrumpResignNow

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

I have a sneaking suspicion that Count Chocula and Franken Berry might be cereal killers.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

I like boats that don't sink. #LakeTravis Lake Travis #TrumpIsANationalDisgrace #TrumpIsLosing #TrumpHatesVets #OBiden

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

Personally, if I were at Laguardia, I'd be referring to Trump's plane as "Hairforce One".

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

BREAKING: The FBI has released the first official artist's rendering of Skinny Joey.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Twenty bucks says Wednesday night, Barack shows up at the front door of the White House with a twelve-pack of Rolling Rock and a 2008 mix-tape.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

I mean, honestly, looking back into the history of this Donald Trump fella, shouldn't his hair have been the first clue?

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

My Pillow Guy: "I don't have enough cash, Kyle." Ricky Schroder: "Hold my spoon, bro."

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

5 years

There seriously needs to be a federal law for impersonating an NFL head coach. #Browns #FireFreddie #FireKitchens

Everything Cleveland

@everythingcle_

5 years

Should the #Browns fire Freddie Kitchens after another disappointing game? RETWEET for Yes 👍🏽 LIKE for No 👎🏽

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

I don't know what all the brouhaha is about. I too once spent a weekend in the mountains where I "rose from the dead" after a three-day hangover, and nobody worshiped me for it.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@RudyGiuliani "And the lawyers were nestled, all tucked in their beds. While visions of 🍆 danced in their heads."

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Bought myself a royal blue vest and some buttons. Think I'm gonna head over to Walmart and point people in the wrong direction.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@aimeeterese Coming from someone who was stalked and *almost* raped, I wish I had about three rolls of duct tape to keep your fingers off the keypad right now. You're not helping. At all.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@cocainecross Sees patterns VERY easily. Completely misses this:

Johnny Depp trial: how the judge ruled on 14 alleged assaults

Twelve of 14 allegations by Amber Heard found to be ‘proved to the civil standard’

www.theguardian.com

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@AshleyJudd

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@m_tisserand @MJMcKean I saw a couple others yesterday. Love these too!

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

This is how much Kirstie Alley matters. #BidenHarris2020Landslide

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

If you can keep a straight face when a four-year-old asks if beavers eat wood, then you are far more mature than I am.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

"I hate those half-man, half-horse guys. They always have to be the centaur of attention." - Bad Ancient Greek Comedians

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@benschwartz_ @FrankConniff And neither Lenny Bruce nor George Carlin were endangering millions of lives, because their word did not carry the strength of those spoken by the US President.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@nowyuinterfere @stillnotziora Club, you should have quit while you were ahead, and by "ahead" I mean before you decided to use your thumbs to type words.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@taradublinrocks @tmart156 @arappeport @Acosta Hmm, yeah... I'm thinking all signs point to "no" on that Donald. #GetADifferentMagic8Ball

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 years

@Reflog_18 Cade York is so powerful, he can run around the earth and kick himself through the uprights from 80.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Yes #BidenCheated ! And this is how he stole the election!

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@mmpadellan @Baligubadle1 Let's live in the world of "And".

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Donald Trump: The Shart of the Deal

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

Watching all of these mindless MAGA sheep grunting "1st Amendment!" and "I Stand With Trump", while losing their sense of direction because their orange shepherd dictator is too busy to tell them what to think, is the tonic I've waited eight years for.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

"You know, a lot of people think he goes away in January with the heat — as the heat comes in. Typically, he will go away in January." #ByeDon

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@Scuba_Steve26 I really wish Herm Edwards were much more credible because it would be great if that comment actually held some weight.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@_Ryvix_ @motivatefenty Says the person who has to tweet 40+ times to find a follower and had to buy a fake blue checkmark to feel seen. Please, spew some more revisionist history with no basis in fact whatsoever.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

"Are you textin' to me? Hunh? Are you textin' me?" - Robert De Niro in Martin Scorsese's "Uber Driver".

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@johncusack @pmo1346 Should look like this @johncusack when all is said and done. But Georgia's back in play now too.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

For me, one of life's biggest mysteries is trying to figure out why the first two guys in Superman were so excited about seeing a bird and a plane.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

I just realized Sprite has a Twitter. With 300k followers. What the fvck are they actually tweeting about? "Yup. We're still a lemon-lime soda. Kinda like 7-Up. Yep. Okay bye."

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

So let me get this straight- You're saying it's perfectly acceptable for a basketball player to triumphantly throw the ball into the crowd to celebrate a hard-fought victory, yet it's "reckless" when I do it in bowling?

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

This is perfection. "Nothing Matters" - If the Trumps were a sitcom.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

@MichaelKuz @RexChapman That is 100% false.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

Dear Autocorrect, no one ever means "ducking".

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@theadammcintyre @trishapaytas Says the dude completely making up stuff about Colleen Ballinger and dropping C-bombs about Amber Heard to "make it about yourself or how much attention u can get." Have you received that 15th minute of fame yet?

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

As I laid on the grassy bluff, reflecting over the ups and downs of my life, I was inclined to contemplate, "I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, 'Hey look, that one's shaped like an idiot.'"

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 years

@twithersAP Jacoby Brissett is such a class fricking act. Love that guy. Hope he starts for somebody in 2023.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

With respect to the COVID outbreak down in Miami, I find it bitterly ironic that the Corona commercial I just witnessed, literally used the slogan "There's a beach calling your name."

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

I bet Alexander the Great was probably known as just Alexander the Adequate before he ate that delicious bowl of sugar-coated Frosted Flakes.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

@buitengebieden_ They can, but please, no one try this at home with domesticated rabbits. Domesticated and wild bunnies are very different in terms of what they can tolerate.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

BREAKING: Mike Richards out as Jeopardy host. Sony signs new, unknown host, Rike Michards.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

How are so many car dealerships always able to have extravaganzas? I can't even find one vaganza.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 years

Good-looking #Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski rips off rubber mask, "And I'd have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids and their dog!"

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

Neighbors. Must they pound on my door at 3 AM, when I am clearly just trying to relax and enjoy my 5.0 Surround Sound war movies in peace?

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Argue with me if you must, but I think a store that kicks you out for trying to pay with furs, rum and live birds shouldn't have the audacity to call themselves "Trader" Joes.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

If only the entire state of Texas looked this blue.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 month

@iamAtheistGirl I saw this one a couple of hours ago that made me LOL.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

At first, I was like, "Why did this bundle of grapes just punch me in the back of the head?" but then I looked at the bag and saw that I'd accidentally purchased grapes of wrath.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 years

The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

When guests come over and see the litter box, they always ask "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "Nope. That's for company."

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

Can everybody please stop picking on Donald? He's just trying to see if maybe the Election Fairy will leave some votes under his My Pillow when he takes his afternoon nap.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

For me, I think the worst part about being sent to Hell would be touring all the dwellings where your friends live, because everyone would make the joke "Welcome to my personal Hell" and I bet that gets really old after awhile.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot".

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

5 years

#2020WontHave Lucy Hale co-hosting New Years Rockin' Eve and scaring young tots.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

Interview With The Vampire was made in 1994. It's hard to believe we've been hating Tom Cruise for over twenty-five years now.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

@RayReedMO Colin Kaepernick wouldn't last 5 minutes in a game against Mahomes, Allen or Burrow. I liked the kneeling. But Kaep had his shot to come back and wanted to play diva instead. Since then the league has passed him by. Just stop with this silly narrative,

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@Baligubadle1 They'd have to get past Trump's wall in Colorado along the US border. 🤣🤣🤣

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

I firmly believe that the moment when you try to convince people online that you graduated with all "honers", is precisely the exact second when everyone realizes that you didn't.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 year

@AaronLyddon @theadammcintyre Thank you for illustrating why you have to tweet over 100 times to pick up a follower because, yeah, it kinda was "tho".

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

My favourite part of the 1812 Overture is all of the homophobic, Jesus lovin' Trumpsters out there drinking Budweiser and watching fireworks to a song composed by a gay Russian.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

1 month

@iamAtheistGirl Come on now, AG. He's above spewing hatred, and just wants to share that with Atheists.

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@MaddThadd

2 months

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 years

I prefer to wear bright, neon, MC Hammer era colors, just so other humans will assume I'm poisonous.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

Call me "old-fashioned", but some days I just feel like 1.5 oz of rye whiskey poured over muddled bitters in a rocks glass with ice, and then garnished with an orange and cherry flag.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding on top of the bed.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

2 years

@theScore If by sailing passes over his receiver's heads, getting happy feet and freaking out in the pocket, not seeing wide-open targets, and choking enormously in the fourth quarter he means "F them up", then yes.

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

4 years

@KenCarman ...in a row. #Browns #Brownies #BrownsVsColts #INDvsCLE

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☭ The April 💙

@TheEmpressApril

3 years

We haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while. I hope he's ok.

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