Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP Twitter profile

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

This killing them with kindness is taking longer than I thought it would...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

If your playlist doesn't have dead people on it we probably can't be friends...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

6 years

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

The best thing about insomnia is the extra meal you get each day...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

I heard that REO Speedwagon got in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame but I'm skeptical since I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

4 years

Adulting is just learning how to get drunk without getting drunk drunk.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

Sexy attractive women get new followers at a much faster rate than middle aged men. But I don't get creepy DM's so I guess it's a fair trade

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

Relationships are easy as pie! *burns pie*

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

5 years

The best thing about being a man is the ability to explain things you don’t understand.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I'd probably choose vodka.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

6 years

What’s it called when you agree to do something your wife asks you to do but still get in trouble for making the wrong facial expression when you agree to do it?

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

Wife: You're drinking too much. Only a drunk sits in the backyard drinking by himself. Me: I'm not by myself... *touches phone in pocket*

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

The easiest way to see the various stages of life is to walk down the cereal aisle at the grocery store.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

One laugh can change the entire direction of... - a conversation - a relationship - a life

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

All I’m saying is it’s a fine line between badass and dumbass.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

4 years

Is this your first pandemic? ~Me flirting

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

I’m “Blockbuster and relax” years old…

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

HGTV is like porn. Both give women unrealistic expectations of the skills an average guy should have.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

All I’m saying is twitter is a good place for people who don’t like to meet people to meet other people who don’t like to meet people.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

I don't know I didn't see it I didn't read it I didn't look I didn't ask I didn't do it I didn't notice ~Men

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost? Men - 2 Women - 1,768

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

Top three meanings of "I was just joking" 3. I was just joking. 2. That sounded worse than I thought it would. 1. She looks angry, abort!

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

5 years

Sex is great and all but have you ever gone to empty the dishwasher and realize that your spouse has already emptied it?

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

6 years

My wife just used two paper plates to warm up leftovers in the microwave like we're some kind of millionaires.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

You’re officially an adult when you take naps on your day off instead of sleeping in because your body is too programmed to get up.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

Not to brag but I lost the edge on a roll of clear packing tape and found it again...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words... Were you fired??

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

I'm not saying I'm an introvert, I'm just saying I prepared a Venn diagram of my life and none of the circles intersected.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

4 years

The best diet I was ever on was called “Just eat the recommended serving size”.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

4 years

To be honest, this apocalypse is taking longer than I thought it would.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

Insomniacs, have you tried drinking until you pass out?

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

6 years

*gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

6 years

Scented candles are a gateway drug to throw pillows. There, I said it.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

6 years

"When I was young we didn't drink water out of bottles" Gen X: GASP! You drank it filtered from the refrigerator? "We drank water right out of the sink faucet" *3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

"SHE'S A BRICK............" (If you didn't just yell HOUSE!!! we can't be friends)

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

"What mess?" ~Men

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

How men return shopping carts *run fast while pushing cart* *let go 7 feet from return area* *cheer crash & perfect fit into other carts*

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

"Barbie is a bitch. There, I said it..." ~Ken

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

If your wife hasn’t asked “What idiot would do that?” as she looks directly at you, are you even married?

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

4 years

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

My son brought home a girl named Stacy and all I could think was "I wonder what her mom looks like?"

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

6 years

All I’m saying is if we had a dungeon, my wife would decorate it with throw pillows.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

The problem with reality is that it ruins the fantasy...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

4 years

The only thing I’ve learned from working at home is that my dog is the best coworker I’ve ever had.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

The difference between men and women is women bring their own shampoo to hotels and men get excited about using the mini bottles provided.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

5 years

I'm just a man, a man struggling to open a plastic vegetable bag at the grocery store.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

I only drink when I people.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I'm not that old...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

It amazes me that people are amazed at the decency of someone who just tries to do the right thing. Is it really that uncommon?

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

Dogs are my favorite morning people…

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

"I could care less..." ~People who couldn't care less

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

3 years

Pro tip: Lip syncing your wife when she’s complaining about something you did is not as funny as you might think.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

4 years

A sandwich tastes better when it’s cut in half. I’ll take no discussion on this.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

2 years

I’d rather eat at a food truck than a five star restaurant. There, I said it.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

Facebook is for people who want to be seen but not heard. Twitter is for people who want to be heard but not seen.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

What’s it called when you wake up five minutes before your alarm goes off but you’re still fully committed to going back to sleep? I’m that.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

Ninety percent of being a husband is being able to remember what was said when you were only partially listening…

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

"To Infinity, Bed, Bath and Beyond!" --Mrs. Buzz Lightyear--

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

Old is not a number. Old is when you can no longer adapt to change.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

Some people are like glue. They look like they're not doing much but they hold everything together.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

Smokers who eat organic food, explain yourselves.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

If you don't know how twitter works, that's exactly how twitter works.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

Ladies if your man works hard on a project and asks you how does it look remember that's the same as "do these jeans make my ass look fat?"

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

6 years

If a doctor said you had to take a pill every day without fail or else you would die, how long would the average person live? Women: 22 years 3 days Men: 4 days

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

*cancels date with destiny*

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

The best thing about being honest is you never have to tell people you're honest.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies? Bars, they’re called bars

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

I heard a women ordering at Wendy's today say "I want everything on the value menu". Now there's someone who truly doesn't give a fuck.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

I think I may have offended a millennial, I’ve never seen his mom that mad…

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do. Me: ok *Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

Four Worst Feelings Ever: 4. Losing your job 3. Romantic break up 2. Death of a loved one 1. Needing to pee when you're stuck in traffic

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

Not to brag but my son's friend said "Your dad looks hot" when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with "Is that heat stroke?" but still.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

Diet tip: It doesn't count as second helpings if you eat it out of the pan as you put leftovers away...

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

Acting foolish for fun doesn't make you a fool. A fool is someone who doesn't know he's acting foolish.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

She sees me tweeting She's hatin TC trolling Tryin to catch me writing flirty Tryin to catch me writing flirty

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

11 years

The best tweets are tweets drawn from real life experiences. Related: I don't do sexy tweets.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

5 years

My wife just hung a giant wooden fork and spoon in our kitchen so I guess we're officially old now.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

7 years

Putting down your book is the original pause button.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

8 years

I wonder what appeared over Thomas Edison’s head when he got the idea for the light bulb…

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

3 years

My wife asked me not to forget something and I said okay, and we both just laughed and laughed.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

10 years

Top eight things that will fix anything: 8. Superglue 7. Honesty 6. Vodka 5. Truth 4. Tequila 3. Communication 2. Love 1. Duct tape

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

How do you know if an introvert is ignoring you? He is.

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Boyd's Backyard™

@TheBoydP

9 years

If alcohol is the devil's water then at least you can drink in hell. ~Inspirational

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