The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷 @SweatyGardener Twitter profile

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

1 month

Let's do this

@SweatyGardener: Send me anonymous messages!

NGL: Anonymous Q&A

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

#NewProfilePic Had a boob job over Christmas lads

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

So last night I gained circa 700 followers (predominantly men) and got more likes than ever over an avi showing me with boobs (which is a joke and is photoshopped). Says a lot really doesn't it?

The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

#NewProfilePic Had a boob job over Christmas lads

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I slept with Betty White back in 1935 and my dick still glows with the light of a thousands suns.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

My 80 year old customer just tried to seduce me using cake and biscuits and I've never felt so alive.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

My neighbour is convinced I'm Betty White and I feel no need to correct her.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

Does smh stand for 'so much ham'?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Don't leave crumbs in the butter you skank.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Sure, sex is great but have you ever stepped on a rake and avoided the shaft like a fucken ninja?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I got another whippet puppy 😍 She also viciously murdered a giraffe but let's ignore that.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

1 year

I just bought Lego at the age of 40 and I have no children. Thoughts?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

Yesterday Saturn aligned with Jupiter and astronomers said they missed it. They clearly didn't planet well enough.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

Me in 1992: wtf is an email? Me in 2002: wtf is an emoji? Me in 2012: wtf is bitcoin? Me in 2022: wtf is an email?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Being fully vaccinated does NOT mean you can stick your dick in a vacuum cleaner. Trust me on this.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

My dog's nonchalant attitude inspires me on a daily basis.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Is Bill Gates now just Bill Gate?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 months

Butter the bread all the way to the crust you skank

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Is Schitt's Creek like Dawson's Creek but everyone has diarrhea?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I just bought a piece of furniture from IKEA called Floppencöcken. It's tough to erect.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

Michael Jackson's pronoun was hee heeeeee.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

My star sign? I have no idea. I think I'm a Labia.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I remember having to blow into a games console cartridge to get it to work - don't talk to me about hardship.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me. Woman: I'm a penguin. Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Her: *writes in bio* 'Single af' Him: Single air fryer. Nice.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I just bought a coffee machine that I can control from my phone and my erection has never been stronger.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Doctor: OK, unzip please. *zip* Doctor: No not me, you!

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

More lockdown?? There's only so much masturbating to Judge Judy I can do.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

Toasters just make me jump. They always pop up when you least expect. It's like SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER, THY TOAST IS READY

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Alexander the Great was probably only Alexander the OK until he did The Worm at someone's wedding and afterwards everyone was like...yeah he's pretty special that lad.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

Seriously though, how do mermen actually fuck mermaids?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

What does NSFW mean? I'm accepting wrong answers only.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I love it when guys reply to a woman who's replied to my tweet and immediately act like neither I or the tweet exists. I'm not a fucken invisible wingman, bro.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

My subtweets bring all the boys to the yard and I'm like...dude, that wasn't meant for you.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I don't mean to brag, but I have found the labia.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

I once saw a woman with a piglet in her arms at a farm and almost intervened by saying 'I don't think you can just pick these up you know' and then realised it was her baby.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I'm British, so to me, a fanny pack sounds like I'm moving house and need to remember to take my vagina collection with me.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

Maybe take a second to appreciate women for their humour, intelligence and kindness before blindly following a pair of tits? Feel free to unfollow me lads 👍

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

A family member almost bored me to tears by talking about model trains but completely redeemed himself when he sneezed and farted at the dinnertable simultaneously.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

1 year

Having someone ridicule your taste in classical music is a stab in the bach.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Me: You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours Tyrannosaurus Rex: Verrry fuckin funny

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

My immediate response when somebody says 'shit happens' is 'no shit', so it leaves both parties perplexed and quite frankly, a little bored.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I'll be honest, I'm not entirely confident I know where the labia is.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Have you ever done that thing where someone is explaining something in great detail to you and you feign attentiveness? They're on board - like totally invested in the belief you're hanging on their every word, but in reality, you're just thinking about cheese on toast.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Do I own my penis, or does my penis own me? Stay tuned for more profound and intelligent questions.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Grandma? Why are you licking your own balls? - Little Red Riding Hood.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

Her: I want you to fill me up Him: IN THIS ECONOMY??

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I don't belong on social media. I'm an ugly, middle-aged male with no tits and a lack of understanding of the digital landscape. Just kidding, I have fantastic tits.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Please, random man, please completely ignore my tweet but use it to interact with a woman who did acknowledge it. I'm just here to help you be a pervert, obviously.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Dating agency in 1990s: Well he has to be kind, thoughtful, smart, handsome, healthy, ambitious, a good listener, resourceful, good around the house, good with kids, articulate and sensitive. Twitter in 2020s: I'm looking for a beard. I don't care what's attached to it.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

My 5 year old niece just informed me I look old like an elephant and I have hair in my armpits.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Holy fuck, a lot of you like sandwiches.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

What's with all the impaler tweets? I've vlad enough.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Toast without butter is like sex without cumming. DRY AND UNSATISFYING.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they'll lock you out.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

The clitoris is located in a shed under a pile of bricks at the back of the Watford Gap service station. You're welcome lads.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

When you're approaching 40 and someone invites you to a party on New Year's Eve.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I wish I had a TC (Tiered Cake)

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I was hit in the face by a seesaw when I was just a boy. Which piece of playground apparatus hit you as a child?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Tomorrow I get to assemble a desk and that excites me because I'm approaching 40.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

Reverse cowgirl, so she can look out the window and see how much she's neglected her rhododendrons.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Alexa - please nut for me because apparently I'm not allowed this month.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

And girls - whether you're showing off your assets or not, you're all beautiful. Don't let this thing dictate how you should present yourself or how you should act. Be you and be powerful doing it.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

When my ex packed her bags, she left a big gap in my life along with a lot of debt. Luckily I don't mind being left a loan.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I need new tyres on my truck which will cost a fortune, but on the bright side, at least they're putting 4 rubbers on before they fuck me.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I turned up to a party dressed as a monocle and everybody said I'd made a spectacle of myself. I will be here all week if you'd care to throw things.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

I'm listening to ACDC on a train in my earphones and imagining I'm playing a guitar solo because that's what 40 year old men do.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

OK, I'm vaccinated. Who's up for a game of Twister?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I just wish Kid Rock would be Serious Rock from time to time.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Looking to join a non-thirsty DM room where the topic focuses solely on the various uses of garlic.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Actress: I'm starving! The sandwiches are weird here though. Director: That's a wrap.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

When you both haven't trimmed in a decade, the sex position becomes missionhairy.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Her eyes have the ability to mend, melt and mystify me all at once.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I know you want to hear me scream sex noises through a traffic cone but you can pay for it through OnlyFans like everyone else.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

All I see on here is dick and bitcoin

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Inquisitive pirate: Arghhh, where ya be headed? Anne Boleyn: Fuck you.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Madam, when you said you were confident about your body, I didn't realise you were referring to the one currently decomposing in your basement.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I'd love to be a butler but I have no fucken idea how to buttle.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

[At the scene of an accident] Paramedic: How many fingers? Her: Well, I took 4 once during college.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I'm British, so to me, a gas station is a remote location where men can go to fart.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

The incorrect spelling of thick really makes me sicc.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

My face is approximately 5% Gollum and 95% Avril Lavigne.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I have a friend who will insult you but claim he didn't mean any harm. You might know him? Noah Fence

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

The dinosaurs were unhygienic to the point of exstinktion.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Today I watched my dog stare at his own testicles and then stretch to such an extent that he fell off the sofa. It's like I'm looking in a mirror.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I'm watching a TV show about barbecuing and ironically the judges aren't grilling the contestants as much as I expected.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning. Red sky in the afternoon, shepherd be like - dafuq is going on with the sky, bro?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Hannibal Lector: 🎵 I poached a girl and I liked it 🎵

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

Leg day but it's just me eating a bucket of chicken.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

2 years

I love dogs. They see a duck and be like... cmere you weird dog with wings!

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

9 months

Who the fuck is this person? 🤣

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Do some men filter their dick pics, you know, instead of applying rouge and a base foundation?

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I've only got one hand. Alanis Morissette took the other fucker.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

🎵 I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS 🎵 I WANT YOU TO...use predictive text to finish the lyrics 👇

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

True story: A friend of mine slept with a stripper in Ibiza and she robbed him. Even stole a stuffed duck that he had in his bag. He is and still remains more upset about the stuffed duck. We all love a stuffed duck.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

4 years

Wedding sex is great. Especially with the bride.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

1920s: Cat's Meow 1930s: Aces 1940s: Swell 1950s: Nifty 1960s: Fab 1970s: Bomb 1980s: Bitchin' 1990s: Fly 2000s: Mega 2010s: Sick 2020s: Don't cough on me, you lousy fuck!

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I once fainted and fell into a volleyball storage bin so don't talk to me about being balls deep.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

Press 1 for Customer Support Press 2 for Sales Press 3 to ram the phone into your head, so archaeologists find your skull in 200 years and pass it around their colleagues to make jokes like 'please hold'.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

I've got 99 problems but the whereabouts of Chevy Chase overshadows all of them.

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The Sweaty Gardener ☕🌷

@SweatyGardener

3 years

If two females decided to get a dog together, is that 2 girls 1 pup?

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