How to watch a movie in 2018
Step 1: open netflix
Step 2: click through 500 films
Step 3: select tv series
Step 4: pick episode you’ve seen
Step 5: look at phone for 45 mins
Just witnessed a bloke walk into the post office and walk straight out again muttering the words “fuck that” and if that isn’t Christmas I don’t know what is
Harry redknapp walked through the office today, lovely, smiley chap, I said hello, and he said “hello, what are you eating?” I replied “a ham sandwich” he said “there’s jam roly poly over there!” - he’d brought one in with him 😩💔
How to order a Nandos
Step 1: get asked if you’ve been bef-
Step 2: interrupt with a smug YES
Step 3: sit down & look at menu
Step 4: close menu without reading
Step 5: go up to order the usual
Step 6: instantly forget table number
you know you’re officially an adult when you watch home alone and actualy feel sorry for the burglars and find yourself wincing like “ooosh that iron could have killed him!!!”
After an incredible 3 years
@thisisheart
I am beyond excited to be starting a whole new adventure on
@CapitalOfficial
- it hasn’t really sunk in yet but I’m overwhelmed with the support from everyone...I can’t stop smiling!!!! 🤩🤩🤩
We're so excited to have
@Sianwelby
joining Capital Breakfast alongside
@SonnyJay
and, of course,
@romankemp
.
Feel free to drop her a wave and welcome her to the Capital family. 👋
the amount of times i’ve paid no attention to the slightly cheaper than expected album I’m buying on iTunes and ended up with a bunch of total randoms singing covers like I’m in clinton cards
LIFE:
7am: wake up tired
7.05: snooze
7.10: snooze
7.15: accidentally stop alarm
8:15: shiiiiiiiit
9:00: ffs I can’t wait to sleep later
3pm: I’m so tired. Early night tonight
5:30pm: can’t wait to sleep
00:00: ffs
7am: wake up tired
REPEAT UNTIL DEATH
It’s a hot sunny day in London. People are happy, smiling, making polite conversation...which is why I totally misjudged the situation. I was jogging and thought a passing cyclist was going for a high-five. Turns out he was just indicating to turn left. Kill me.
I’ve had the same wank hair cut for 15 years...so today...instead of saying “just a trim” I got it cut into an ACTUAL HAIRSTYLE SO WATCH OUT IM A MF GROWNUP NOW
Me getting into Ubers this week:
“Hi is that sane?”
“Hi is that Sean?”
“Hi is that Cyan?”
“Hi is that seen?”
“Hi is that shen?”
“Hi is that shoon?”
Me: yes
My mum just called me to say happy new year thinking it was midnight, turns out she forgot she’d paused Jools Holland to make a cup of tea and was 20 minutes out 😭😭😭
bloke came up to me today.
“Are you Holly Willoughby?”
I paused.
I looked at his hopeful face.
Not wanting to break his spirit
I said “yes” and signed his programme.
@JamesArthur23
@Markbeaumontuk
It makes me sad that someone can come from nothing, work their ass off, turn their life around, achieve incredible global success and rather than champion them, and be proud of them, there are people in the media waiting in the wings to drag you down.
Hear me out. Just let me sit in on the design of ONE hotel room. Here’s my manifesto:
Good bright lighting near the mirror where you’re getting ready.
Plug socket next to said mirror where you’re getting ready.
Lights in the actual ceiling of the room.
Plug sockets by bed.
Things i can’t deal with
1. accidentally biting my cheek
2. changing the duvet cover
3. forgetting to cancel amazon prime
4. my sock falling down in my shoe
5. unexpected item in bagging area
Just watched 4 old ladies part ways after a lunch together. I walked behind two of them as they left together and thought. I wonder if these two will slag off the other two.
Waited.
Waited.
Waited.
“Ooh I wasn’t sure about Anne’s Hair were you June?”
BOOM! KNEW IT! 🤣
Listening to you
@hi_jimmy
about to head out! I smell of biscuits coz spray tan and I’m in a dress that I can’t drive in coz it’s too tight. Brilliant.
😬👍
“It’s like old rotten Cheetos mixed with balsamic vinegar, tennis balls and belly button lint” 😭😭😭😭
This week’s
#Tbt
is when I fed
@Pink
marmite!
@thisisheart
She’s such a legend! 👏🏼❤️👏🏼
Eeeek! Some big shoes to fill today, I’m in for
@itswillmanning
hosting the
@BigTop40
chart show- if 10 year old Siân knew one day I’d be doing this for real and not just in my bedroom on a tape for “Radio Radical” she’d be imploding right now! 😂 come join me 4-7pm! ❤️
Ladies, if he:
-ignores your texts
-forgets your birthday
-doesn’t introduce u to his parents
-hangs around market squares
-eats off the floor
-has one gammy foot
-shits on your car windscreen
He’s not your man. He’s a pigeon.
Last time I was at
#TheBrits
I was wearing a jumpsuit, got hammered, did a cartwheel in it and ripped the crotch. Weirdly haven’t had an invite this year. 😑
RT if you have at least one of these in your cupboard. we know we’re never gonna use them, it’s just an embarrassing reminder of how weak we are when it comes to 8000 calorie desserts
Booking a taxi tonight:
Person: pick us up at 2am
Driver: you mean the old 1am then?
Person: no 2am as in the new 3am
Driver: so you want picking up at 3?
Person: yes but the old 2am
Driver: but at 2am it’s actually only 1
Person: yeah so 3?
Driver: see ya then.