Ross Sayers @Sayers33 Twitter profile

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Ross Sayers

3 years

So that's 'The Everliving Memory of John Valentine' officially released! Thanks so much to everyone who pre-ordered and cheers in advance to those picking up theirs soon. Really hope youse enjoy it! 🙏

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 years

A year ago my girlfriend lost her favourite necklace. She was running for a taxi & it snapped & went down a drain. Little did she know I contacted the council & asked them to search the drain. So...this Xmas I presented her a Topshop voucher cause the Council told me to fuck off.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

Babe is everything ok? You've barely sang 'my money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds' in the last few hours

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

Babe the Silly Goose University just called... you got in

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

Drinking when you're 18: eating's cheating! Drinking when you're over 25: if I drink on an empty stomach I will genuinely not live to see another sunrise

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

It's true that we all have 24 hours each day, but each person has different pressures. In Queer Eye, Bobby has 24 hours to renovate a 5 bedroom house. Antoni has 24 hours to throw together a cute lil salad.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

Dentist: do you eat and drink things Me: yes Dentist:

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

Every 'rant' about 'woke culture' is just this

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 months

You: *pronounces Bon Iver as it's written* Most annoying guy you know, barely able to conceal his delight: what did you just say

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

Bro is everything ok? Those are some pretty deep song lyrics you've added to your MSN messenger display name

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

Me being proposed to on Christmas day: this isn't my main present is it?

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

'Yeah, there were chocolate particles found next to the body. What's your point?' 'Do I need to spell it out for you, Scully? This was clearly the work of The Unknown.'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's adding a picture. He's completely fucked the formatting. He's closing the Word document in anger.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

When I finish my Gü cheesecake

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

Oooh look at us we're Phoebe Bridgers & Paul Mescal, we're both really talented and happy and in love. Grow up.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

tesco: £3.99 please me: oh i don't have a clubcard tesco:

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

1 year

Brand account: let's slay (our prices) for pride! Reply from blue tick account with 57 followers : all lbgt are perverts Brand account: we have deleted our previous tweet. We 100% stand with the LGBT community but did not realise some people don't like you. Maybe next year.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

To all the young people out there who haven't gotten the Spotify Wrapped results they were hoping for, just remember that there's no wrong path. I left school without a single Spotify Wrapped to my name and, hey, I seem to be doing okay.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

10 months

Burgers used to be called 'plain' and 'cheese'. Now they're called 'dirty mother clucker finger blaster' and 'The Whore'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

Last night I went to a bar, with the understanding that well-behaved women make history all the time. But then I saw a neon sign which changed everything.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

7 months

Hi mate sorry to bother you but I noticed the novel you're reading has a photo from the film version on the cover instead of the original cover. So me and everyone else in this Waterstones cafe are going to kick fuck out you

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

Ok I'll be the one to say it. The outside rungs of the clothes airer are reserved for the very best. The washing basket A-listers.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 years

[louis theroux: inside scottish twitter] louis: your friend ally was hit by a bus, how did you react? man: told him to fuck off louis: didn't you think that was cruel? he's your friend man: *shrugs* louis: *voiceover* i was getting nowhere. i had to speak to ally himself.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 years

chumbawamba: we sing 'i get knocked down but i get up again' 4 times british public: ok chumbawamba: then list alcoholic drinks british public: good chumbawamba: eh...then sing danny boy for no reason british public: this will be the anthem of our nation

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

It will forever be a mystery to me how the foil completely covers a full easter egg, you eat half, then the foil is somehow no longer big enough to even cover a half

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

8 months

'In the United Kingdom, you are forced to eat chocolates from a tin. But these chocolates, while delicious, are wrapped in muted colours instead of shiny paper, so of course this a form of torture.'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

That's a nice son you've got there. Would be a shame if the Grinch poured a full bottle of juice over him

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 years

Once you wear a regular t-shirt to bed, that's it a jammy top now. Sure you can try wearing it out the house after that, but everyone knows it's a jammy top, stop trying to fool yourself and retire the top mate.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

1 year

I have just told my girlfriend, Kate Nash, that she must eat so many lemons cause she is so bitter. Now to sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge there's no way she could have a rhyming comeback to that.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

Tories watching Billy Elliot like 'what a waste of a good coal miner'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

Get your fucking ass up and bring me back a wee surprise from the shop. Seems like no one wants to bring me back a wee surprise from the shop these days.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

Me every time I open the app and see a new Matt LeBlanc tweet

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

Why do all these pizza chains think they're too good for chips. You're not too good for chips. 'oh but we do wedges!'. with all due respect, fuck yer wedges

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

journalists: can we get a clear answer if there will be another lockdown? uk gov:

Molly-Mae

@mollymaehague

4 years

Keep your eyes peeled for the next one is all I’m sayinnn🤪🤪

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

Everyone's big jacket this week

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

Americans pronouncing Glasgow

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 years

producer: do you want to be on a show called 'kitchen nightmares'? restaurant owner: yes sounds good gordon ramsay: this kitchen is a fucking nightmare restaurant owner:

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

My £100k salary isn't actually all that much, you see, because I have so many nice things to pay for. You, as a peasant, who only have to afford your 70p 1kg bag of oatmeal, do not have such worries.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

He's got your ID He's checking it twice Gonna find out if he's legally allowed to kiss you Matty Healy is coming to town

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

'So he's ridden on the back of Shai-Hulud, so what? He's the Lisan Al Gaib, that's his job. He's not won anything yet. Save the celebrating for when you lead the Fremen to paradise.'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

9 months

[High Performance Podcast] Santa: y'know how long it takes to make a list of every child in the world? And y'know what I do when I finish the list? Jake Humphrey: *nodding* deliver the presents Santa: *shaking his head* check it twice mate Jake: *grinning* fucking hell

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

You've heard of elf on a shelf, now get ready for a full bottle of juice on your son

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 months

When I'm late for a film: tricky to find my seat when it's so dark When I'm sat and see someone else come in late: good, flounder in the darkness. You have no respect for cinema. Why don't you take your whispers and your nachos back to home streaming where you belong

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

What if Chris Rock was a small child. And Will Smith was a £85 Grinch. And the slap was a full 2L bottle of juice.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

If Netflix is struggling, the answer is simple. True crime documentary about the £85 Grinch.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

8 months

Cranberry sauce looking at you from the corner of the fridge

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 years

Contactless aye? Aye just tap it Too easy this eh Aye true, too easy tae spend money eh Far too easy haha End up forgettin yer PIN Aye takes me a minute tae mind it noo Lucky it's a thirty quid limit Aye I ken, until they put it tae forty! Aw any day noo!

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

The Guardian have gone too far this time

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

Sure 30,000 are dead. But what about a painting I just learned existed. I can't help but think.. what if that had been from my family's private collection. Really puts things in perspective

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 years

Do you like MUGGY AIR? Do you like RAIN? Do you like them BOTH AT THE SAME TIME? Do you like getting wet but being TOO HOT FOR A JACKET? 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 Promoted by Visit Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

1 year

Hello mate would you like to come to my big party in London today. Yes my brother the pedophile will be there why does everyone keep asking me that

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

Tesco meal deal now £3.90 without a clubcard. Less of a 'meal deal' and more of a 'we give you three items and you give us the full amount for them'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

9 months

Sprinkling some water on my naans before I put them in the oven

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

10 months

Just checked, couldn't see it

DiscussingFilm

@DiscussingFilm

10 months

‘CREED 4’ is in the works. (Source: Deadline)

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

Scottish people truly, deeply, in our very souls, do not believe we will get two sunny days in a row. Every sunny day must be treated like it will be the last for a generation

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

To be fair, historically most children on a Willy Wonka tour end up dead, so seeing an underwhelming backdrop for £35 is actually a positive outcome

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

I do my hair toss Check my nails Baby how you feelin'? Ach I'm okay, thanks, feeling a bit fed up but I think everybody is. You up to much this weekend? A takeaway? About the only thing to look forward to at the moment haha

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

Your mate 12 seconds after telling you they're really enjoying The Crown

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

my brain: *after i've voted* did you put the cross in the right box me: yes my brain: you sure? you sure you didn't vote for the opposite of what you meant to? me: oh god fucking hell maybe

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 years

uk employees: why don't we have air- con? uk bosses: uk employees: uk bosses: can i interest you in a choc ice?

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

7 months

That is very bad luck. To make a transphobic comment on the one day in recorded history the British media and political class have decided they actually don't like transphobia.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 years

The barrier isn't working at the Queen St station toilets so it's free pees all round. It's carnage. Folk flooding in who aren't even needing, just treating themselves.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

1 year

Bruce Springsteen at 73: I've already played for 2 and a half hours so I'll maybe just do a 7 or 8 song encore Me at 31: it's 10pm so we can rule out watching a film, let's try an episode of a sitcom and regroup afterwards to see if a 2nd episode is doable

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

11 months

'Now press the button to unfog the glass and see who was on the other side.'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

10 months

*Microsoft Teams when you don't move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY'S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY'S AWAY. WHAT'S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY'S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

If I were Croatia, I would simply let Scotland win and no be a big wideo

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

Accepting an Outlook diary invite but clicking 'Do not send a response'. Yeah I'm coming but I'm not going to make a song and dance about it

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

Wordle is just Hangman for people who can't face being responsible for a man's death

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

7 months

Tricky scenario when walking past a Victoria's Secret. Can't look away - virgin. Can't look twice - pervert. One simple glance will do it. It's like any other shop, to me, a normal adult

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 years

[Scotrail head office] Boss 1: okay an off peak return to Edinburgh from Glasgow is £13. How much should a single be? Boss 2: *snorting a line of coke* £12.90

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

when a scottish person is about to tell you their opinion

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

'Am I to believe a shit was found in the family toilet, yet both daughters deny involvement? And Cher Lloyd is a person of interest? Heavens, this is a truly curious case.'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

(Gordon Ramsay meeting Big Cook, Little Cook) Wow, ok. It's a total mismatch. The big one does all the cooking and the little one flies around on a wooden spoon. Christ. Where's the little one gone? Jesus. He's hiding behind the bread bin. Fuck me.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 years

Omg the photo on my ID is sooo embarrassing 🙈🙈 I would never show it to anyone 🙈🤣😂🙈 okay I'll get it out 😂😂😂 omg look at it! 🙈🙈🙈 I said look 🙉🙉🙉 LOOK AT THIS EMBARRASSING PHOTO OF ME THAT I NEVER SHOW TO ANYONE 🤣🙈🤣🙈

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, then boy do I have some exciting news for you about changes to Scottish Covid restrictions on April 26th

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

1 year

In a pub & the Glastonbury debate rages on. 'Play the old stuff!' one man yells. 'Mature new album!' shouts another. Working class fists are about to fly. I stand up. 'Gents,' I say. 'Old or new, it's still the same Carly Rae Jepsen we all love.' Place erupts. Madri's all round.

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

1 year

'Two? Two films? On the same day? Christ you must be made of money. Is that Barbie one not for the kiddies?'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

MIRANDA: This Fremen guy I'm seeing keeps getting sand in the bed SAMANTHA: Make him shower first. Once his balls are as blue as his eyes, he'll start scrubbing his worm CHARLOTTE: Ew. I would only marry a man from one of the great houses. CARRIE: Big is moving to Paris

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

If there are six geese a-laying, statistically at least one of them will be silly

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

1 year

Whoever invented this ice cream was a certified freak

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

Yes sir, I can boogie

Daily Star

@dailystar

4 years

Men reveal the five words they long to hear straight after sex

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

'I once easily broke into the US Capitol building and sat at Nancy Pelosi's desk.'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

10 months

Last Christmas I gave you £85 The very next day You poured Fairy up liquid and a 2L bottle of juice over my son

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

11 months

'Should we have a wee blast of the heating?'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

aberdeen, aberdeen, cannae keep a quarantine

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

1 year

When the pint was over a fiver and you start thinking maybe the glass was included in the price

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 years

I forced a bot to read 10,000 Scottish tweets then asked it to write some of its own and this is what it produced

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

We've got about 2 weeks to enjoy the Glasgow Willy Wonka Experience before Brewdog announce their limited edition Wonky Willy IPA and kill the whole thing stone dead

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

'I've brought you here, to the bustling Arrakis, where your task this week will be to take over spice production. One member from the losing team will be fired, and their family will be brutally wiped out by the Harkonnens. Good luck.'

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

8 months

When your friend Alison's fajitas arrive at the table

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

5 months

High school computing teacher: you better be doing your work and not just sitting playing Roberto Baggio's Magical Kicks My magical free kick taking ass:

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

3 years

The sun setting in Scotland tonight knowing it won't be back for 2 months

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 years

Marauder's Map, Ron's bedroom: 𝓡𝓸𝓷 𝓦𝓮𝓪𝓼𝓵𝓮𝔂 👣 👣 𝓟𝓮𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓟𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓲𝓰𝓻𝓮𝔀 Harry Potter: cool, no need to look into that further

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

9 months

Ohhh my god you're still wearing shorts in December? should we tell everyone? Should we throw a party?should we invite Paul Mescal

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

2 years

Gordon Ramsay: Mary's boy child? Jesus Christ

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

6 months

Rainbow lanyards are woke. Colourful England flags are woke. Stopping climate change is woke. Protesting genocide is woke. Pronouns, woke. Doctor Who, woke. Female sports pundits, woke. My ex-wife's new boyfriend, woke. My kids who won't speak to me, woke. Gary Lineke

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Ross Sayers

@Sayers33

4 years

Every time I open up this app

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