So that's 'The Everliving Memory of John Valentine' officially released! Thanks so much to everyone who pre-ordered and cheers in advance to those picking up theirs soon. Really hope youse enjoy it! ๐
A year ago my girlfriend lost her favourite necklace. She was running for a taxi & it snapped & went down a drain. Little did she know I contacted the council & asked them to search the drain. So...this Xmas I presented her a Topshop voucher cause the Council told me to fuck off.
Drinking when you're 18: eating's cheating!
Drinking when you're over 25: if I drink on an empty stomach I will genuinely not live to see another sunrise
It's true that we all have 24 hours each day, but each person has different pressures. In Queer Eye, Bobby has 24 hours to renovate a 5 bedroom house. Antoni has 24 hours to throw together a cute lil salad.
'Yeah, there were chocolate particles found next to the body. What's your point?'
'Do I need to spell it out for you, Scully? This was clearly the work of The Unknown.'
Brand account: let's slay (our prices) for pride!
Reply from blue tick account with 57 followers : all lbgt are perverts
Brand account: we have deleted our previous tweet. We 100% stand with the LGBT community but did not realise some people don't like you. Maybe next year.
To all the young people out there who haven't gotten the Spotify Wrapped results they were hoping for, just remember that there's no wrong path. I left school without a single Spotify Wrapped to my name and, hey, I seem to be doing okay.
Last night I went to a bar, with the understanding that well-behaved women make history all the time. But then I saw a neon sign which changed everything.
Hi mate sorry to bother you but I noticed the novel you're reading has a photo from the film version on the cover instead of the original cover. So me and everyone else in this Waterstones cafe are going to kick fuck out you
[louis theroux: inside scottish twitter]
louis: your friend ally was hit by a bus, how did you react?
man: told him to fuck off
louis: didn't you think that was cruel? he's your friend
man: *shrugs*
louis: *voiceover* i was getting nowhere. i had to speak to ally himself.
chumbawamba: we sing 'i get knocked down but i get up again' 4 times
british public: ok
chumbawamba: then list alcoholic drinks
british public: good
chumbawamba: eh...then sing danny boy for no reason
british public: this will be the anthem of our nation
It will forever be a mystery to me how the foil completely covers a full easter egg, you eat half, then the foil is somehow no longer big enough to even cover a half
'In the United Kingdom, you are forced to eat chocolates from a tin. But these chocolates, while delicious, are wrapped in muted colours instead of shiny paper, so of course this a form of torture.'
Once you wear a regular t-shirt to bed, that's it a jammy top now. Sure you can try wearing it out the house after that, but everyone knows it's a jammy top, stop trying to fool yourself and retire the top mate.
I have just told my girlfriend, Kate Nash, that she must eat so many lemons cause she is so bitter. Now to sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge there's no way she could have a rhyming comeback to that.
Get your fucking ass up and bring me back a wee surprise from the shop. Seems like no one wants to bring me back a wee surprise from the shop these days.
Why do all these pizza chains think they're too good for chips. You're not too good for chips. 'oh but we do wedges!'. with all due respect, fuck yer wedges
producer: do you want to be on a show called 'kitchen nightmares'?
restaurant owner: yes sounds good
gordon ramsay: this kitchen is a fucking nightmare
restaurant owner:
My ยฃ100k salary isn't actually all that much, you see, because I have so many nice things to pay for. You, as a peasant, who only have to afford your 70p 1kg bag of oatmeal, do not have such worries.
'So he's ridden on the back of Shai-Hulud, so what? He's the Lisan Al Gaib, that's his job. He's not won anything yet. Save the celebrating for when you lead the Fremen to paradise.'
[High Performance Podcast]
Santa: y'know how long it takes to make a list of every child in the world? And y'know what I do when I finish the list?
Jake Humphrey: *nodding* deliver the presents
Santa: *shaking his head* check it twice mate
Jake: *grinning* fucking hell
When I'm late for a film: tricky to find my seat when it's so dark
When I'm sat and see someone else come in late: good, flounder in the darkness. You have no respect for cinema. Why don't you take your whispers and your nachos back to home streaming where you belong
Contactless aye?
Aye just tap it
Too easy this eh
Aye true, too easy tae spend money eh
Far too easy haha
End up forgettin yer PIN
Aye takes me a minute tae mind it noo
Lucky it's a thirty quid limit
Aye I ken, until they put it tae forty!
Aw any day noo!
Sure 30,000 are dead. But what about a painting I just learned existed. I can't help but think.. what if that had been from my family's private collection. Really puts things in perspective
Do you like MUGGY AIR?
Do you like RAIN?
Do you like them BOTH AT THE SAME TIME?
Do you like getting wet but being TOO HOT FOR A JACKET?
๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ณ๓ ฃ๓ ด๓ ฟ Promoted by Visit Scotland ๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ณ๓ ฃ๓ ด๓ ฟ
Scottish people truly, deeply, in our very souls, do not believe we will get two sunny days in a row. Every sunny day must be treated like it will be the last for a generation
I do my hair toss
Check my nails
Baby how you feelin'?
Ach I'm okay, thanks, feeling a bit fed up but I think everybody is. You up to much this weekend? A takeaway? About the only thing to look forward to at the moment haha
my brain: *after i've voted* did you put the cross in the right box
me: yes
my brain: you sure? you sure you didn't vote for the opposite of what you meant to?
me: oh god fucking hell maybe
That is very bad luck. To make a transphobic comment on the one day in recorded history the British media and political class have decided they actually don't like transphobia.
The barrier isn't working at the Queen St station toilets so it's free pees all round. It's carnage. Folk flooding in who aren't even needing, just treating themselves.
Bruce Springsteen at 73: I've already played for 2 and a half hours so I'll maybe just do a 7 or 8 song encore
Me at 31: it's 10pm so we can rule out watching a film, let's try an episode of a sitcom and regroup afterwards to see if a 2nd episode is doable
*Microsoft Teams when you don't move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY'S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY'S AWAY. WHAT'S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY'S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Tricky scenario when walking past a Victoria's Secret. Can't look away - virgin. Can't look twice - pervert. One simple glance will do it. It's like any other shop, to me, a normal adult
[Scotrail head office]
Boss 1: okay an off peak return to Edinburgh from Glasgow is ยฃ13. How much should a single be?
Boss 2: *snorting a line of coke* ยฃ12.90
'Am I to believe a shit was found in the family toilet, yet both daughters deny involvement? And Cher Lloyd is a person of interest? Heavens, this is a truly curious case.'
(Gordon Ramsay meeting Big Cook, Little Cook) Wow, ok. It's a total mismatch. The big one does all the cooking and the little one flies around on a wooden spoon. Christ. Where's the little one gone? Jesus. He's hiding behind the bread bin. Fuck me.
Omg the photo on my ID is sooo embarrassing ๐๐ I would never show it to anyone ๐๐คฃ๐๐ okay I'll get it out ๐๐๐ omg look at it! ๐๐๐ I said look ๐๐๐ LOOK AT THIS EMBARRASSING PHOTO OF ME THAT I NEVER SHOW TO ANYONE ๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐
If you like piรฑa coladas and getting caught in the rain, then boy do I have some exciting news for you about changes to Scottish Covid restrictions on April 26th
In a pub & the Glastonbury debate rages on. 'Play the old stuff!' one man yells. 'Mature new album!' shouts another. Working class fists are about to fly. I stand up. 'Gents,' I say. 'Old or new, it's still the same Carly Rae Jepsen we all love.' Place erupts. Madri's all round.
MIRANDA: This Fremen guy I'm seeing keeps getting sand in the bed
SAMANTHA: Make him shower first. Once his balls are as blue as his eyes, he'll start scrubbing his worm
CHARLOTTE: Ew. I would only marry a man from one of the great houses.
CARRIE: Big is moving to Paris
We've got about 2 weeks to enjoy the Glasgow Willy Wonka Experience before Brewdog announce their limited edition Wonky Willy IPA and kill the whole thing stone dead
'I've brought you here, to the bustling Arrakis, where your task this week will be to take over spice production. One member from the losing team will be fired, and their family will be brutally wiped out by the Harkonnens. Good luck.'
High school computing teacher: you better be doing your work and not just sitting playing Roberto Baggio's Magical Kicks
My magical free kick taking ass:
Marauder's Map, Ron's bedroom:
๐ก๐ธ๐ท ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ช๐ผ๐ต๐ฎ๐
๐ฃ
๐ฃ
๐๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ป ๐๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ป๐ฎ๐
Harry Potter: cool, no need to look into that further
Rainbow lanyards are woke. Colourful England flags are woke. Stopping climate change is woke. Protesting genocide is woke. Pronouns, woke. Doctor Who, woke. Female sports pundits, woke. My ex-wife's new boyfriend, woke. My kids who won't speak to me, woke. Gary Lineke