Royotathon 🚘 @Royotathon Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

youth pastor: [throwing xbox controller in frustration] YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD TO CARRY YOU?

31

4K

22K

Last Seen Profiles

@4LuNGDDNRw4jtag

@whosebooks

@MILCMANE

@bokeplokalmalam

@ChrisTsotetsi88

@BlenderSeraph

@SScottClark1

@mfp

@pete_torihiki

@PeopleParty

@jarang_kelonz

@DianaBelshaw

@p0nyplanet

@sangpenikmatST4

@stwmaniax

@zoandorama

@_immutables_art

@DJChongWizard

@fUpJ686ju8M5Y

@SukaIbuIbuTua2

@atakrkss

@thingtesting_

@BinorRaja

@DollyOpatr

@Portrait_Movie

@bmrafrika

@1mell6

@stw_pdg

@meowACNH

@Palmeiras

@MemphisDSA

@stw46

@DJ6r0S3tG8MgA79

@bokeplokalmalam

@daveketo

@alene_os

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

757

109K

595K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

GOD: *creates dolphin* DOLPHIN:

424

44K

384K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

i’m not “wasting” $10 a day. frivolous little purchases are what’s keeping me alive. they’re basically medicinal.

140

19K

153K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

me: i’m sad come cuddle my cat: no can do homie, busy starin’ at ghosts until it’s time to yell at bugs i can’t reach

99

11K

83K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

5 months

can’t. just learned about this panda that grimaces when she breaks bamboo because she had no panda teachers and noticed humans making that face every time they broke some bamboo for her.

68

6K

81K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

it goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the tokyo drift.

99

9K

77K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

i like how people say “you’ll become more conservative as you get older” basically admitting it’s a degenerative condition.

314

5K

56K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

our child’s head couldn’t make it through my wife’s pelvis so they had to do a c-section. anyway, looks like i’m gay now.

Dr. Anastasia Maria Loupis

@DrLoupis

1 year

Can a man become a woman? No. End of story.

4K

8K

37K

95

2K

49K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

ˢʰᵒᵗˢ ˢʰᵒᵗˢ ˢʰᵒᵗˢ ˢʰᵒᵗˢ ˢʰᵒᵗˢ ˢʰᵒᵗˢ 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗧𝗦 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗧𝗦 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗧𝗦 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗧𝗦 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗧𝗦 𝐀 𝐍 𝐓 𝐈 𝐁 𝐎 𝐃 𝐈 𝐄 𝐒

45

9K

44K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

don’t ask me to explain this but iowa, ohio, and idaho are all the same place, and that place is indiana.

247

4K

41K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

shout out to my coworkers dad who’s been telling all his hesitant elderly friends he and the wife have been way hornier since they got the vaccine.

86

3K

38K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

costumes are wasted on halloween. i wanna sit down for christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

86

4K

34K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

mf’s are all “give me the same medical treatment as horses” until they break a leg.

80

4K

33K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

omg keep facebook and insta down i’m begging you

14

2K

27K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

are people justifying unmarked grave sites by saying “the residential schools ran for over 100 years” aware the correct amount of child graves for any school operating for any amount of time is zero?

58

4K

19K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

ME: stay away from the cat MY DOG: perhaps this time will be d i f f e r e n t ME: ur gonna get scratched again MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

45

1K

13K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

my fall the delta plans variant

19

1K

12K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

this picture smells like cigarettes

185

635

11K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

guys will be like “u dont know what i’ve been through” then just describe the consequences of their own actions.

19

1K

8K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

sometimes i lay awake thinking about these costco grapes.

131

385

7K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

disney princesses always start poor then become rich. give us a princess who loses it all and then has to try and survive on an entry level salary. see how much singing she does then.

75

538

6K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

protein.

121

412

6K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

I love to dismiss my horrible decisions by saying “yeah that was a weird time in my life” as if the rest of my existence hasn’t been absolute clown shoes

29

2K

6K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

@elijahwood @MIAuniverse if elijah wood left shade in my replies i would simply pack it in.

35

94

6K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

2000: I don’t want no scrubs 2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

30

2K

6K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

5 months

other pandas don’t do this. it’s exclusively learned by her from humans. i’m going to be overcome with emotion for the rest of the day.

1

46

6K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

tax the churches and give the money to the indigenous nations they helped destroy

28

903

4K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

gonna be hard for the kids to adjust from calling her “mom” to her new, more scientifically accurate title of “vagina dad”

5

60

4K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

calling every pasta spaghetti the way southerners call every soda coke.

25

190

4K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

@videojame_ Wait what they don’t?

4

23

4K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

i love to dismiss my horrible decisions by saying “yeah that was a weird time in my life” as if the rest of my existence hasn’t been absolute clown shoes

8

640

4K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

imagine if we had all just stayed in our houses for like three weeks lmao

23

291

4K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

this is me btw. when you’re mean to me this is who you’re being mean to.

14

404

4K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

the “i’ll never drink again” leaving my body the moment my hangover is gone

11

496

4K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

@idonotbleed what a coincidence because i have never smoked before either 🥺

2

3

4K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

weeping as i chop onions because they are in PAIN and i’m an EMPATH

15

388

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

my toxic trait is saying things are okie dokie when definitely 𝗡𝗢kie dokie

10

440

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

10 months

“how’s your work life balance?” they are both equally on fire thank you.

7

550

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

how come everything that escapes from a lab and spreads around the world has gotta be horrible and is never just like a marijuana plant they spliced with a dandelion on accident.

20

348

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

not me tho. calling her vagina dad is gonna be the first thing i do when i get home.

7

19

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

sorry i’m late i had to help my friend shovel coal into his android phone

36

309

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

pretty screwed up that doctors cant prescribe money tbh

5

308

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

9 months

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

1

141

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

Octopuses are just spider mermaids

53

684

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

there’s no way cats don’t have a slur for humans

38

293

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

Me: *memorizes number from website* brain you got this right? Brain: I know the number Me: *closes browser and opens phone* ok brain give it to me. Brain: I know a very similar number

28

534

3K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

If you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “Keep it Together Man”, and frankly if anyone is going to get us through 2020 it’s gonna be him.

32

612

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

Me: we have cooked this recipe many times My brain: we do not need to consult the packaging Me: agreed *throws out packaging* My brain: perhaps I misspoke earlier Me: agreed *retrieves packaging*

15

357

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

I put my hand upon your hip Now I’m sick you sick we sick

35

723

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

i’m sleeping on the couch because it’s fun and i wanted to build a fort and no other reason.

4

22

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

rich people don’t get to shame me for putting avocados on my toast then turn around and be fucken hype about equestrian sports. like settle down bro i may not know how the stock market works but at least i didn’t spend $400k on a cursive donkey.

17

300

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

Ok hear me out

12

263

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

@MNateShyamalan “it probably would have accelerated” he said yadda yadda shrinking into a corn cob etc

2

15

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

i wish we did costumes for christmas instead of halloween. imagine grandma hasn’t seen you all year. she flew 8 hours for this. and there you are. a giant bug.

16

274

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

6

186

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

guys don’t want a baddie, guys want a sentient pile of blankets who asks a lot of questions about movies and does a little dance when you give it carbs.

18

165

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

guy about to invent pokémon cards: what if 7 year olds had gambling addictions?

17

190

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

trump’s lawyers absolutely fighting for their lives rn

2

136

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

*pointing to tear drop tattoo* i got this one because i always got an upset tummy.

6

262

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

at what point does housing become so unaffordable we start evolving our own turtle shells as a means of survival

19

173

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired. MY BRAIN:

10

223

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

5 months

my favourite thing about dune is how they made a pretty significant male character in the books female in the movies and no one cared because the pseudo intellectual incels don’t actually read.

14

67

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly and you know what? He’s fuckin right.

29

224

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

Caillou continues to be a little bitch well into his 40’s:

47

226

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

“just give me the ivermectin” orthopedic surgeon: shh shh shhhh where you’re going you won’t need ivermectin [racks shotgun]

4

67

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

gotta respect the hustle

1

8

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

Gordon Ramsay: YOU CALL THIS FUCKING MACARONI!? Yankee Doodle: *fighting back tears* YES CHEF

17

298

2K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

thinking about when i was a kid and the doctor couldn’t figure out why i looked like a zombie so he told my dad to get me blessed, then several months later another doctor was just like “this child is severely anemic”

12

72

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

i don’t struggle with anxiety it’s basically all i’m good at

12

358

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

“our generation has had no Great War” buddy, we do war every day

11

274

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

computer ENHANCE

7

161

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

moms reading “romance novels” in front of god, the kids, and everyone like:

15

170

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

[Inventing Canadians] Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice! God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

28

399

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

Me: get your boots on Toddler: no I don’t believe I will Me: your brother is faster at getting his boots on Toddler: you motherfuckers are about to learn the true meaning of speed

13

199

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

you expect ME to pay bills? me. a former baby. you sound insane right now.

4

305

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

My father passed away unexpectedly today. Please hug your loved ones.

337

33

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

As far as the average Canadian is concerned Iowa, Ohio, and Idaho are all the same place, and that place is Indiana.

96

195

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

at what point did the fellas decide doing little crafts is lame? you ever finish a little craft? shits exhilarating.

12

151

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

costco preys on people with adhd. nowhere else on earth am i in danger of going in for bread and leaving with a fucken recliner.

19

96

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

I am a: ⚪️Man ⚪️Woman 🔘chronically dehydrated person Looking for a: ⚪️ glass of water ⚪️ please, any electrolyte will do 🔘just the coffee is fine :)

12

298

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

stop worrying about 5G. in the good old days you’d know a text was about to arrive because every speaker in the area would start making weird noises and you’d get a little nose bleed and you were GRATEFUL.

16

173

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

5 months

i need to make sure everyone sees this video its so important

Daniel

@bdd23

5 months

@Royotathon @TheWapplehouse It’s funny when she forgets to do it

10

154

2K

1

19

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

5 months

@HomoWMD i would secretly teach every 10th panda the cringe

1

2

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

why do they even make the big spoons? who are these people unhinging their jaws to eat soup like a snake?

90

144

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

“i’m from the midwest” my brother in christ you are middle eastern.

21

44

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

MY KID: [falls and hurts himself] where’s mom? ME: she’s upstairs bud MY KID: [runs upstairs crying] møther, i was so alone. hold me close. let us speak of fäthers ɴᴇɢʟɪɢᴇɴᴄᴇ

17

135

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

“where all my unvaccinated people at” bro they’re in the hospital.

8

166

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

we’re like a year and a half into the apocalypse where the fuck is Gondor

31

283

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

for the last year i thought my 6 year old was having nightmares because he’d wake up crying a few times a night, turns out our big fat cat had just been jumping into bed and laying on his face. we had psychologist appointments and everything.

16

56

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

1 year

“i would die for my family” you haven’t washed a single dish in 8 months.

8

136

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

2 years

i am terminally type B, i only make new friends when some outgoing soul finds me talking to myself in the wild and just kinda adds me to their squad. i’m basically a pokémon.

12

141

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

11

249

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

4 years

Tree: so how do I eat? God: you just absorb sunlight and- Tree: I EAT THE SUN?! God: well not exactly- Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ God: Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

9

332

1K

Royotathon 🚘

@Royotathon

3 years

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas