Rachel @RachelNoise Twitter profile

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

5 years

What if Ancestry DNA says I’m not that Mexican and I put jewelry on my babies for no reason.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

5 months

When I say I just need to take a “quick shower” what I mean is my regular length shower.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

The country needs a Mom who’s had it up to fucking here.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

1 year

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

6 months

Wine-buzzed cooking to music in an empty house is top tier. The food may not be.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

2 years

Feeling pretty good. The teenaged sommelier at CVS praised me for my $9 selection.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I’m Mexican and my husband is Asian. Our kids turned out to be car thieves that can’t drive.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I might lose some followers with this but, the pizza cutter goes in the knife drawer not in the miscellaneous utensil drawer.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

8 months

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

8 months

Respect to the teen daughter at my friends’ Super Bowl party who came out, ignored everyone, got a plate of food, and went back to her room.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

5 months

My knee just popped so loud the cat jumped awake and fell off the bed

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I’ve never pulled up beside a Corvette and been surprised by what the driver looks like.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

2 years

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

2 years

What if you travelled to Paris, had breakfast at a cafe, tagged it on Instagram then found out it was their version of a Waffle House.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

9 months

Fasting is a good way to learn that you’d turn tricks for a hot chicken sandwich.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I almost have enough followers to start being mean.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

3 years

Forgot to set my cat back an hour.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

3 years

I’m going to get a tattoo that says, “have you seen my glasses?”

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

1 year

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

After three beers in a bikini I quit holding in my stomach and just think of baby names to tell people.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

5 years

I could fuck up a Highlights magazine right now.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

It’s raining so I decided to skip my morning run. Also because it’s morning and I don’t run.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I carried three bottles of wine in a plastic grocery bag and it felt like when Michael Jackson dangled his baby over a balcony.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

3 years

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

8 months

If I ask if you want a bite of my food what I mean is can I have a bite of your food

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

3 years

I asked my husband if my new swimsuit made me look chunky and he pretended not to hear me and now I can’t find him.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I lie about my age on my running app but older so it thinks I’m in amazing fucking shape for eighty.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

The older generation thinks current music is stupid like they forgot they listened to a song called Muskrat Love which was about muskrat love.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

1 year

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying. Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

My husband and I have non-traditonal marriage roles. I control the tv remote while he sighs.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Hey, LinkedIn Premium, it’s never going to happen. Frankly, you’re just embarrassing yourself at this point.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I want to be rich enough to not be involved in how anything in my home gets clean.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I did the math and my husband and I have been married 75 years since being quarantined.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

My husband and I have been married for 27 years and dude still does that thing where when I'm speaking he looks at my face and then my chest. Half the time, I'm like, did I get food on my shirt--nope, just titties.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

It must be easy for rappers to do their taxes since they itemize their expenses in every song.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Old men strolling around Home Depot friggin love asking me, “whatcha workin’ on?”

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

5 years

Started prison yard weight lifting with canned goods. Gonna get my law degree next.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Omg, I just had to slam on my brakes and my phone went flying. Are you guys ok?!

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I just drove through Mississippi and won a pageant.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I hear men love tan lines *slowly pulls down mask*

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Avoiding my scale like I owe it money.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Me: *buys a blue chair online* Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

1 year

The tiny zipper pocket on running shorts is actually to hold sunflower seeds for the squirrels

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I am unfollowing a bunch of Instagram accounts because they never interact. Seriously, Pope Francis, what a diva.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

No one tell my husband that he was right about the stylish sofa I picked out not being comfortable. I don’t know how much longer I can keep awkwardly sitting on the goddamn thing.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

2 years

I think it was when I was counting out 12 almonds as my snack that I thought, ya know, maybe I’ve lived long enough

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

*patting my husband’s quarantine belly* I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

If we’re friends and your dog doesn’t let me pet him, I assume you’ve been talking shit about me.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

3 years

My parents are like college kids now. They don’t have jobs, show up whenever, eat, drink, and then leave to hang out with their own friends.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I’d be ok if my child converted to a different religion for marriage. But I will NOT allow them to marry into a family with a Precious Moments figurine collection.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

9 months

Just hit my first curb of 2024.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

2 years

My phone rang out loud while I was with my 28 y/o cousin and she called me a Boomer.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year."

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I’m worried that I’m gonna get a super judgey coroner.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

3 years

If I ever die in a car accident, there’s a good chance it’s nugget-dipping sauce related.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I swear to God, if this chick keeps eyeing me, I’m gonna walk right up, pay her a compliment and then we’ll be friends for the next 20 years.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I faked most of the hugs I’ve given. Except the awkward side ones, I meant those.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I bring a hammer to dinner parties in case their artwork is hung too high.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

If I my name was Penny, I’d hitchhike with a sign that said “SEE A PENNY PICK IT UP” and be the cleverest body ever dumped into a ravine.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I’ve had a purebred kitten for just six days and I’m already worried he’ll fall in love with a cat beneath his station and bring shame upon the family.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

My hip-hop stage name would be T-Lower Back Pain.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

If I designed GPS navigation there’d be voice directions like “turn on the little street before the big street.”

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Nothing tests my English degree like being the 43rd comment on a birthday post.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

My husband has been on so many conference calls during work-from-home orders that I’ve learned everyone’s voice and personality. Have to say, Brad is a bit of a cry baby.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Me, awakened by my husband kissing my head before he leaves for work: Bye, come home with money

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

If you wear a name badge on a lanyard, you can point people where to go and they’ll just do it.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

At the gym, you’re either the type who’s hoping people are watching or the type hoping no one is.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

2 years

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I’m going to walk on the treadmill with a wheeled suitcase and pretend I’m going on vacation.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

You shouldn’t be allowed to vote if you can’t name at least one Beastie Boy

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

1 year

I took the stairs instead of the escalator and could tell everyone was like whoa check out this athlete

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Even my Duolingo app is like, "Estás registrado para votar, gringo?"

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I just learned my husband has a nickname for me with his friends and they won’t tell me what it is. I bet it’s super flattering.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

11 months

Men will put on a show no one else wants to watch then fall asleep with the remote buried in their crotch

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I’m basically the same as Jennifer Aniston because I have chronic dry eye and Brad Pitt isn’t thinking about me right now.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Some of y'all tweet so often that whatever you do for a living, you are overpaid.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

My husband has hit his mark with three jokes in row at this dinner party. He’s going to be insufferable for weeks.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

2 years

You can tell I am a water connoisseur because I will drink it from the kitchen sink but no way will I drink it from the bathroom sink.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Every time I kill a spider, I imagine all the other bugs making me their god. And when I kill them too, it’s because I work in mysterious ways.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Tip for being ok with your 50th birthday - Be thin and/or rich

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Language is weird. Like at some point we decided a breezy way to say yes and no was yep and nope but maybeep just never took off.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I should probably learn what fracking is at some point.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

3 years

I just realized I’ve been liking IG posts from a person who has never liked any of mine, so I withheld my like just now out of spite. Take that, one less heart, sleep well mfkr

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

I once donated $100 to a twitter person's gofundme campaign and when I came back that person wouldn't return my follow. But it's not like I'm bitter or anything.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

My daughter is gay and when she came out the whole family was like, “you were a ninja for Halloween five years in a row and we all saw it.”

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

2 years

@TheCensoredRock Wonder if any of them got her…digits

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

My mom just told me that she did edibles with her retired ladies book club. I’m calling the cops to scare them straight.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Time to spend all that daylight I saved.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Had to get our lawyers involved but I think my husband and I have come to mutually agreeable terms on what color to stain the deck.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

If this were the 80’s we could’ve gotten 1.4 babies out of a well by now.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Going to start leaving thirsty comments on old men’s pics of fish they caught.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

2 years

Just told my concierge that I was expecting a huge package. He paused a beat then said, “I get that a lot.”

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Husband had wrist surgery and the doc said he can’t lift anything over 5 pounds. He keeps cracking himself up saying he needs help to pee. I’m hiding his pain meds.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

My college kid explained to me that a long pinky nail is called a “coke nail” and I think she bought my horrified shock at this brand new information.

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Rachel

@RachelNoise

4 years

Well, one good outcome of the pandemic news coverage is that I have learned the names of many governors outside of my own state and also of my own state.

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