Mocking Revolving Door Admins who suck-up to board members and any admin on a higher rung. Shifting the paradigm through egregious use of acronyms and eduspeak.
Changes every 2-3 years. Started in the Midwest and spreading like a virus.
Pro tip for future revolving-door administrators: Please watch this in depth and informative PSA on discipline. It's all you need to know when it comes to the many disciplinary issues that you will eventually have to deal with.
We've hired a differentiating instruction consultant who is going to teach the staff how to differentiate their instruction by reading from a PowerPoint and not differentiating their presentation.
"When I was in the classroom, students would run to my class every day to see the learning objectives that I had posted, which is why I never had a problem with tardies."
There's nothing like ending a day of PD with an inspirational video of a teacher with 15 students and plenty of resources, then letting the teachers know that I expect to see the same from them with their 36 students and no resources.
The superintendent will be giving his annual, "You are professionals and the experts in your fields," speech, which will promptly be followed by 6 hours of PD where you'll be treated like future teachers in their first credential class.
Things will probably be a little crazier than normal with Halloween being this Monday, which means it's great time to walkthrough classrooms to make sure objectives are posted and teachers are following our bell-to-bell instruction mandate.
We can't thank our ed. consultants enough. They gave up a promising career after just three years in the classroom to give away their paradigm-shifting secrets in five hours of PD for just twice the cost of what you make in a month.
Yes, I could focus on the positive that 35 of your 36 students were engaged for my 90-second walkthrough, but instead I'll focus on the one student who appeared to be sleeping and mark you down for not engaging all of your students.
We have a 30-minute gap in today's staff meeting that hasn't been filled. Now, I could let you go to your rooms and prep, but I've decided that calling on random teachers and asking, "What is your why?" would be a much better use of the time.
Teachers,
Please complete the bell-schedule survey by selecting one of the three options for next year. Also, administration will be going with the fourth option that you won't know about until your return for August PD.
Teachers,
Remember that sending a student out of class for swearing at you and then throwing a book at you is taking away that student's right to learn.
Contrary to popular belief, I don't send students right back to class for swearing at a teacher. I first have them tell me what the teacher did to make them act out, give them a treat and Reward Bucks for their inconvenience, and only then do I send them back to class.
Remember that behavior-problem students are not to be sent to an administrator. Please follow our RTI and send them to your Buddy Teacher's class to disrupt a different teacher and different set of students.
I know it's the first day of classes and many teachers are over the limit with no air conditioning, so I'll be doing walkthroughs to make sure that all teachers have their objectives posted for the day.
Only Honors and AP Classes Teacher will be leading our final PD of the year. They'll demonstrate how our school-wide RTI led to no behavioral issues in their classes and how the rest of you should get the same results, even with twice the number of students.
Teachers,
Please make sure that your PBIS wall, Word wall, Growth-Mindset wall, College wall, Pivot wall, Student-Work wall, ESLRs wall, CLT wall, ELO wall, SIOP wall, and Objectives wall are all up to date as evidence of great teaching for the accreditation team.
It was hard work, but we did it! We ignored any input regarding systemic change from those who worked with the students over the last two years and reverted back to what we were doing for the decades preceding the pandemic.
We really need more PD on classroom management. I should never witness a student cuss out a teacher, leave the classroom, then walk right by me through the front office and leave campus. Clearly someone isn't giving out enough behavior bucks.
Sure, our enrollment is way down and we've never had fewer teachers and support staff, but the good news is that we have more supervisors, coordinators, directors, and ass. superintendents than ever!
I've scheduled a meeting with every teacher of the senior who's failing all six classes. Each teacher will be expected to present their action plan on how they intend to get this soon-to-be graduate to June's procession.
Of course administration isn't concerned about veteran teachers quitting. New teachers are paid less and will take on extra assignments without expecting to be compensated. It's a financial win-win for the district! Oh, and also for the students.
Teachers,
Please fill out the scheduling survey for next year with the understanding that the survey is just me pretending to include all stakeholders in the decision-making process.
The senior who hasn't shown up to your class since January informed me that the reason they're failing is because you don't model enough examples for them to understand the material. Please differentiate your instruction to accommodate this student.
To stress the importance of why administration should never observe you reading to your students from a PowerPoint, I'll be reading word for word to you from a PowerPoint about why reading from a PowerPoint is bad practice.
I can't imagine the excitement and anticipation that teachers experience during the first PD of the year when they hear me say, "I know you already have a lot on your plate, but... "
Choir Teacher: Please find a way to assess your students that doesn't include singing. A student that signed up for your class doesn't want to sing and thinks it's unfair that singing counts as part of their final grade.
Instead of meeting with your department, prepping your classroom, and lesson planning, the ass. sup. of curriculum has decided that the best use of your time for the two days before classes begin is to sit through the same, all-day PDs as last year.
The superintendent will be praising your colleague for their amazing teaching at our next staff meeting. No, he didn't actually observe a lesson, he just saw the tagged video of them greeting each student with a specialized handshake.
Welcome back from what I imagine was a restful summer of lesson planning. We have a full day of important information that I'll be reading to you and no time to waste, which is why we'll spend the first hour with a rock-paper-scissors tournament.
We've hired a consultant who will demonstrate how their 9-point lesson plan model led to their amazing success in the classroom that spanned two decades from '98 - '01.
We've hired a classroom management consultant who is going to share the highly effective best practices that they developed when they were a teacher to get students to stop passing notes during class.
Administration is aware of the up-and-coming teacher shortage. As always, we will be proactive in addressing the issue by waiting about a month or so into the school year before taking steps to form a committee.
The student who you claim stole your phone did have your phone, but they said it was an accident because they thought it was their phone. It made sense to me, so I gave them some Reese's and sent them back to your class.
We always put our students first. I mean, it might not be in the form of smaller class sizes, working AC, replacing 30-year-old desks, or resources for learning, but we always mention that they're first at parent meetings.
Isn't it strange that your first negative evaluation in 15+ years came just after you openly questioned my policies during a staff meeting? I mean, what a coincidence, right?
Teachers,
Please complete the Administration Efficacy Survey at your earliest convenience. Be honest with your responses as the survey is totally anonymous but can only be completed from your school account.
Teachers,
Please make sure to abide by the district's mandated minimum 50% guaranteed grading policy. Students are complaining that they aren't receiving credit for work they didn't do.
Pro tip for new teachers: Whenever administration starts off a meeting with, "We know you already have a lot on your plate," it just means that you're about to get a lot more on your plate.
Yes, I'm aware that you and your colleague teach the same class during the same period, and that you have 45 students while they only have 15, but I'm still going to wait 3 to 5 weeks before balancing the classes.
During your official observation, you didn't stop every 15 minutes and select a student at random to read the learning objective for the day, which is the reason you received a negative evaluation.
For this week's PLC, you'll be working with your PLT to optimize your department's RTI. Your deliverables should synergize the ESLRs with components of our SEL modules as a proactive means of empowering the growth mindset of our 21st-century learners.
Yes, we knew weeks before the year started that some classes were over the limit, the AC wasn't working, and there weren't enough desks in some classrooms, and we could have fixed those issues before the school year began, but where's the fun in that?
Teachers,
If you test positive for Covid but are asymptomatic, we still need you to show up to work because of the sub shortage. Also, telling your students that you have Covid will lead to disciplinary action. Oh, and please continue to practice self-care.
At our next faculty meeting, I'll be recognizing the great teachers on our campus. And when I say great teachers, I mean those who praise all of my initiatives and always tell me exactly what I want to hear.
During his last visit, the superintendent was appalled at the number of students walking away from campus after the first-period bell. We concluded that this behavior is the result of the lack of academic rigor in the teachers' lessons.
Pro tip for new teachers: A new superintendent will get car and tech allowances, and an office full of new furniture. You will get a classroom with 30-year-old desks and a filing cabinet that's been locked since 1985. Oh, and don't bother asking for the cabinet's key.
The number of first-period tardy students dropped nearly 40% for the 2nd quarter when compared to the 1st. How did I do it, you ask? Well, I just told the teachers not to mark students tardy for the first 25 minutes of class or face disciplinary action.
You know the VP who works well with the teachers, stays late, offers support, and promptly returns emails? Well, the board has decided to release them, while the other VP you can never find and is always playing golf with the superintendent is being promoted to principal.
The first-period tardy problem is getting out of control. I shouldn't see this many students walking onto campus at the same time I pull into the parking lot ten minutes after the tardy bell.
Pro tip for new teachers: Any solutions administration comes up with to fix the problems that we created will result with you getting more work to do. You're welcome!
Don't think of your new colleague as someone who hasn't finished college and has no classroom experience, think of them as someone who will be assigned to you to train, mentor, and meet with after contractual hours to help them plan for each day.
Pro tip for new teachers: Your post-observation conferences will consist of me pointing out everything you did wrong for 15 minutes, followed by 45 minutes of telling you about all the amazing things I did for my three years in the classroom from '95 - '98.
Pro tip for new teachers: When I say that there will be accountability for students who have done nothing for 4 years and might not graduate, what I mean is that you will be held accountable for students who did nothing for 4 years and might not graduate.
The board is complaining that our low benchmark scores reflect the lack of learning that's happening in our classrooms. Also, the board is praising our rising graduation rate and referring to it as a reflection of all the student learning.
Great news! You know that colleague who's always complaining about how much they hate their job, the school, and the students? Well, they finally finished their administrative credential and will be your evaluator next year.
Of course administration gets a cellphone allowance. I mean, could you imagine if we were expected to use our personal device to call parents and conduct school business? That would just be ridiculous.
Ski Trip Parent who demanded that you put a packet together for their kid three weeks in advance of their vacation doesn't think it's fair that you expect them to do the assignments during their vacation.
I know you teach English, but we had an extra section of Biology and I didn't think you would mind teaching a one off. You'll be expected to do the labs in your normal classroom without any lab stations or equipment.
The reason you were marked down on your evaluation for not having your Learning Objective posted, even though you had your Learning Objective posted, is that you didn't have the Learning Objective labeled as the Learning Objective.
The board is aware of the teacher shortage, sub shortage, and custodian shortage but don't panic, money is no object as they will spend whatever necessary to make sure that we don't end up with a shortage of central-office administrative talent.
It's obvious now that Spicoli's tardy and truant problems were not his fault. Mr. Hand would've easily captured Spicoli's heart had he attended our consultant's PDs on posting objectives and learning targets in the correct format.
Fall Break is a great time for you to catch up on grading, plan for the rest of the semester, and reach out to students and parents for their input on how you can improve your pedagogy to make their educational experience more enjoyable.
Remember when we had a sub shortage and you were forced to cover other teachers' classes? Well, we still have the sub shortage and a number of unfilled positions, which means you'll get to give up even more of your prep time this year.
The reason I prefer new teachers over veteran teachers is that it's easier to coerce a new teacher into implementing the latest flavor-of-the-month acronym or taking on extra duties for no extra pay.
If it seems like I'm more concerned about our graduation rate than student learning, it's because I'm more concerned about our graduation rate than student learning. Hopefully this clears up any confusion.
Today's PD will consist of group activities for pedagogical strategies that have nothing to do with your subject or grade level. I'm looking forward to observing your implementation of our new best practices for today's walkthroughs.
Administration just finished a three-hour meeting to figure out how to fix our non-existent, ongoing tardy problem. The brilliant solution we came up with is that teachers need to stand outside their door between classes. Another problem solved!
Pro tip for new teachers: I'll never be around when you need support for, well, pretty much anything. But rest assured that the one time you make a 2-minute run because you can't hold it, I'll be standing by your classroom door waiting to write you up.
When we said we are broke, what we meant was that we don't have money for anything student related. But don't worry, we still have plenty of money for more central-office admin positions and to give them a pay raise at a sparsely attended July board meeting.
Our next self-care PD will take place after school from 3-5. I'll be walking around to make sure that teachers aren't doing things like grading or planning instead of paying attention to the consultant's PowerPoint on what they can do to help reduce their stress.
Great news! Because three of your colleagues still don't know how to correctly post attendance and input grades with the new SIS, all of you will get to repeat the same August PD on posting attendance and inputting grades with the new SIS.
Pro tip for new teachers: The more flattering the superintendent's welcome-back speech is to the staff, the less likely it is that you'll be getting an increase in pay or benefits.
Teachers,
As part of the checkout process, please submit your daily lesson plans for the month of August. Finding out whether you will or won't be teaching those classes when you return will be the fun part.
The superintendent will be giving his annual, "You are the experts in your fields and the most valuable part of our team," speech, which will be promptly followed by the, "we're broke and can't afford to give you an increase in pay or benefits," speech.
Don't let the salaries of the people who work with the students fool you, there's plenty of money to be made in education as long as your position is in no way directly involved in working with the students.
Due to our teacher shortage, all reading and math interventionists will be used to fill the empty positions. Also, since we no longer have any interventionists, all teachers will need to submit an intervention plan.
The superintendent and executive cabinet will be walking through classrooms looking for evidence of students learning. And when I say evidence, I mean they'll be checking to make sure that your walls are covered with pedagogical flair.
Pro tip for new teachers: Whenever I say that we need to shift the paradigm, or we need to change the culture, or we need to raise our test scores, or we need to hold students accountable, it's important to understand that WE does not include me.
No, our learning-loss consultant didn't teach during the pandemic and hasn't taught since '91, but they do have unbiased testimonials on their website that demonstrate the efficacy of their best-pedagogical practices.
Teachers,
As we enter a 2nd semester of unknowns, rest assured that I will be forwarding all of our central-office admins' vague directives on how to safely run your classrooms without being given any of the resources to safely run your classrooms.
Please remember that your lessons should reflect DOK levels 3 and 4. Also, students are complaining that your lessons are too difficult, so I need you to modify your lessons to be DOK 1 and 2, which I'll ding you on your eval for not being at levels 3 and 4.
It was close, but through hard work and googling answers to ace their online-recovery classes, the group of failing seniors were able to make-up a year's worth of credits in just three days. Congrats to me and my perfect graduation rate!
Pro tip for new teachers: The lower your expectations regarding administration support for classroom behavior issues, the less disappointed you will be that all of our support will be in the form of criticizing your classroom RTI matrix.
Isn't it strange how some of your seniors still don't care about passing your class? It's almost like they know I'm going to stick them into credit recovery just a few days before graduation to make up multiple semesters of missing credits.
Please check your email for your tentative teaching schedule for next year. It will look just like this year's schedule, but nothing like the one you receive when you return in August.
Of course you're allowed to stay after contractual hours and our Welcome-Back PD concludes to plan and prep your classroom. Oh, and if you need more time, the campus will be open over the weekend for you to work.
I know you've called home multiple times and completed each step of our Tier-1 RTI, but that was for Q1. Now that we're in Q2, I need you to start the process again by calling home multiple times and complete each step of our Tier-1 RTI.
Teachers,
Please use your time off to plan for the three proposed schedules that my committee created for next year. Also understand that we'll end up using a fourth option that will not be disclosed until the week before classes begin in August.
What do teachers look forward to even more than winter break? I'd have to say a wonderful day of PD on January 2nd at 8 am, obviously. Don't forget your gallery-walking shoes!
At this week's faculty meeting, Sycophantic Teacher will be talking about their success with our RTI matrix and how it's resulted in zero instances of behavioral issues in their schedule of only honors and AP classes.
Happy Teacher Appreciation Week! There are some delicious bagels and donuts in the teachers' lounge leftover from Friday's Coffee with the Principal meeting. Enjoy!
Teachers,
Before bringing up the tardy problem at the next faculty meeting, ask yourself this question: What reasons have you given your students to be on time to your classes?
Pro tip for new teachers: The outcome of your official evaluation has nothing to do with your ability to teach as much as it does my opinion of you at the time.
Remember those pedagogical strategies that your previous administration forced you to use that turned out to be useless? Well, I'll be replacing those with the strategies from two administrations ago without first asking if those were also useless.
After months of non-stop complaints from parents, students, and teachers about Other Principal, the board has decided to take action by promoting them to a DO admin position.
I received a parental complaint that you aren't doing enough direct instruction with your classes, so please do more direct instruction to appease them. Also, observing you using direct instruction with your classes will result in a negative evaluation.
The superintendent and executive cabinet are aware of the issue of students cutting classes and have concluded that the problem is the lack of academic rigor in the teachers' lessons.