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The Laugh Lounge

8 days

A shark can swim faster than a human, but a human can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon it comes down to who's the better cyclist 🦈🦈🦈

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

3 months

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

My wife says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a big shock

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

5 days

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent. So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

6 days

I just got a new job at the guillotine factory. I'll beheading there tomorrow

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”. The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

28 days

My kids told me they want a pony for Christmas. I normally cook turkey, but whatever makes them happy

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

16 days

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. But other times I let her sleep in 😴😴😴

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

14 days

When my wife found me playing with my son's train set I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks 🚆

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I can really see myself doing

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

12 days

I told my son that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. He asked how I knew it was on its way to work 🦌🦌

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

20 days

My father owned a coal company but mostly kept it to himself. Mined his own business

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently, I couldn't concentrate

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

I love it when the Earth fully rotates. It really makes my day

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she said in her diary

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

21 days

Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me. I said, "What the Hellmann?"

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

19 days

When I was a child, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out identity theft is a crime

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

26 days

This morning I accidentally used the dog’s shampoo. I felt like such a good boy

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

If anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

14 days

An invisible man married an invisible woman. I don't know what they saw in each other

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

26 days

What do you call a snake who works for the government? a civil serpent 🐍

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

29 days

I can't think of a single person who's in a relationship

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

On a recent trip to an AirBnB, my wife warned me not to steal any of the kitchen utensils, but it’s a whisk I’m willing to take

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

28 days

A guy at work claims he didn't steal the batteries out of my calculator, but something doesn't add up

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now!!

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

7 days

What did the urologist say to the student who just got accepted into urology school? Urine

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

10 days

Doctor, doctor, I've just swallowed a roll of film. Come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

15 days

Doctor, doctor, I'm really worried about my breathing. We'll soon put a stop to that

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

Yesterday my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her super-glue. She’s still not talking to me

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

16 days

What do you call...? … a man pouring water into a glass? Phil … a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina … a man with a pole through his leg? Rodney … a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

13 days

My manager told me to have a good day. So, I didn't go into work

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

29 days

Doctor doctor, I keep dreaming that I'm drowning in an ocean of fizzy orange liquid. Don’t worry, it's just a Fanta sea

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

3 months

@anon_opin My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me. I had some pretty big shoes to fill

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

18 days

I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

Am off to bed now. I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

23 days

I've lived my entire life not getting a phone call from a vegetable. Then BOOM, Onion Rings

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

29 days

My extra-sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpaste

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

Since I started making paper airplanes out of calendars, the days just fly by

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

26 days

I didn't think my uncle liked me but apparently he has left me a large building in his will. It's called Sod Hall

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

30 days

Midwife for sale. Can deliver 👶

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

I recently visited the "Worlds Tiniest Wind Turbine". Honestly, not a big fan

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

My neighbour gave me a new roof for free. He said it was on the house

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

8 days

Why are Sundays only a little sad? Because the day before is a sadder day

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

19 days

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons into their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

Doctor doctor, I keep thinking parts of me are invisible. Yes, you're definitely not all there.

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

15 days

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

15 days

There is something wrong with my cactus plant, but I can't quite put my finger on it 🌵🌵🌵

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

17 days

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bell? Hmm, take these and if it's not better soon, give me a ring in the morning

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

11 days

I asked the guy who worked at the toy store if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures. He replied , "Aisle B, back"

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I just found out that I'm colour-blind. The news came completely out of the green

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So, I bought her nothing

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I found a book called 'How to Solve 50% of Your Problems'. So I bought 2

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

3 months

I bought my daughter a handbag from Iraq. She said thanks for the Baghdad

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

If every letter 't' was silent, we'd never hear the end of it

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

20 days

Who is the coolest person in the hospital? The Ultra Sound guy Who stands in for him when he's on leave? The Hip Replacement guy

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

27 days

What do you call a medieval spy? Sir Veillance

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

27 days

What do you call a knight that cooks steak on the battlefield? Sir Loin

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but cats-can

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

Be nice to your kids as they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

18 days

Couldn't get the WiFi to work in my hotel room, so I went down to the lobby. They had reception there

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I named my printer Bob Marley because it was always jammin

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

20 days

Doctor, doctor, I'm suffering from insomnia. Try sleeping at the edge of the mattress, you'll soon drop off

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

12 days

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

Someone stole my broken calculator, but I don’t know why. It just doesn’t add up

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

16 days

Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime. It usually resulted in a long sentence

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

13 days

After buying a new limousine I couldn't afford a driver. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

I left my job at a shoe disposal plant. It was sole destroying

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

My career counsellor told me, "You can't be an exhibitionist". I replied, "Watch me!"

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

24 days

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. Pull yourselves together

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

3 months

Why was the broom late? It over-swept

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

23 days

How much room do fungi need to grow? As mushroom as possible

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

My wife just accused me of having zero empathy. I just don't understand why she feels that way

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, "Put it on my bill" 🦆🦆🦆

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I started learning sign language. So far, it's been quite handy

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

1 month

We argued all day what to call a medieval soldier. But it was getting late so we called it a knight

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen.....I can feel it

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

It just donged on me that I sometimes use the wrong word

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6 days

What's it called when your feet go to sleep and won't wake up? Coma-toes

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

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The Laugh Lounge

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9 days

What do you call a person with no body and no nose? Nobody knows 🥸

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The Laugh Lounge

@PunsAndGags

2 months

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me

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