Peep Show Script @PeepScript Twitter profile

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Peep Show Script

@PeepScript

2 years

Mark: Four naan, Jeremy? Four? That's insane.

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3 years

Super Hans: 'Course I have. The twins. The fuckin' twins! I'm always on about them. I bloody love them two. Here, I've got 'em on me phone. Oh, hold on, have I? Ah, I'll never forgive Orange if they've wiped the twins! Oh that is, that is shitty. Where are the bloody twins?

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2 years

Super Hans: Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you've got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall. [pours cereal onto floor]

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@PeepScript

2 years

Super Hans: Tell you what, that crack is really moreish.

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2 years

Super Hans: The secret ingredient is crime.

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2 months

Super Hans: 'Course I have. The twins. The fuckin' twins! I'm always on about them. I bloody love them two. Here, I've got 'em on me phone. Oh, hold on, have I? Ah, I'll never forgive Orange if they've wiped the twins! Oh that is, that is shitty. Where are the bloody twins?

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@PeepScript

2 years

Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

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@PeepScript

2 years

Mark: Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world.

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Peep Show Script

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20 days

Super Hans: I've accidentally run to Windsor.

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3 years

Super Hans: You got any olives? I've gone fucking mental for olives.

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1 year

Super Hans: The big beat manifesto goes, "Big beats are the best, get high all the time."

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2 years

Super Hans: What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread. [Holds down on one key on the keyboard.] See, the longer the note, the more dread.

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2 years

Super Hans: [To bartender] Pint of Guinness please, no logo on the foam.

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@PeepScript

16 days

Super Hans: Crack.

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1 year

Alan: In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be five hundred and thirty pounds.

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@PeepScript

3 years

Mark: You what? No Turkey?! You fucking idiot, Jeremy, you total fucking idiot! That was your job, you fucking moron! You cretin! You're a fuckhead! That's what you are, a fucking shithead!

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2 years

[Mark glares back at Jeremy, unamused.]

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2 years

Super Hans: It'll freak 'em out. What the fuck's a washing machine doing in a pub? Jesus, I need a drink, yeah? And boom, they'll have to have one of our organic scrumpies.

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@PeepScript

2 years

Mark: I've been feeling a little low lately but... [smokes a cigarette]

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1 year

Mark: A sausage has gone! Oh my God Jeremy, a sausage is missing! Is this what it's come to? I've got to carry my food around with me now to stop you from- right well, I'm sorry you've driven me to this.

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1 year

Mark: Oh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial. You might get an interdenominational, you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind.

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@PeepScript

3 years

Super Hans: I've accidentally run to Windsor.

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@PeepScript

2 years

Jeremy: I feel like every day quite a big part of me dies forever.

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1 year

Jeremy: Come on! He got married, didn't he? Leave him alone.

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@PeepScript

3 months

Mark: Hi guys. Party of four. Let me show you to a table. I'll grab you some menus but first can I get some nachos, margaritas or something soft for the little guys to kick you hombres off?

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2 years

Super Hans: Oh, right so now we're working it's not OK for me to smoke my crack?

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1 year

[Alan Johnson answers the door]

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21 days

[Gail enters the kitchen and sees Mark attempting to piss in the jalapeño sauce]

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1 year

Super Hans: It's a pisser though, isn't it? Cancer. They should find a fucking cure.

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1 year

Mark: Good one, Jeff. Chance would be a fine thing. A fine thing, indeed. (Hmm, saying that too often now.)

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2 years

[Jez opens the cubicle door, revealing Super Hans inside]

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@PeepScript

25 days

Super Hans: You got any olives? I've gone fucking mental for olives.

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1 year

Super Hans: You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA. But you've also got a fucking van, yeah? You're not just a man any more. You are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

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2 years

Jeremy: Super Hans has taken four grams of coke to relax him for his speech.

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2 years

Jeremy: I think the truth is, basically, I've been bored ever since 9/11.

1

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2 months

Super Hans: The twins. I'm always going on about me twins, aren't I?

4

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25 days

Jeremy: And you're off it all? Crack as well? But you love crack, it's your favourite!

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1 year

Super Hans: Jez, can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone that knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?

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3 years

Super Hans: You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA. But you've also got a fucking van, yeah? You're not just a man any more. You are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

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3 years

Super Hans: Crack.

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1 year

Super Hans: Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.

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1 year

Jeremy: Mummy, coffee. Fucky hurry-uppy.

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2 years

Jeremy: Right. (I could tell him that's all ancient history now. He probably wouldn't like that joke.) Oh well, that's all ancient history now!

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1 year

Alan: Tonight should be a free-fire ideas zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious, fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What, you think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?

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Peep Show Script

@PeepScript

3 years

Jeremy: Come on! He got married, didn't he? Leave him alone.

2

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1 year

Jeremy: (I am James Bond.)

2

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@PeepScript

2 years

Johnson: Is that normal pooing you're doing?

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1 year

Mark: Hey, is that a kingfisher?

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1 year

Super Hans: Exactly. [Opens a can of lager and hands it to Jez] There you go chief, have a suck on that sauce bottle.

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1 month

Super Hans: [Singing] I am in loco parentis. I am the last remaining contestant on The Apprentice. I am the home-trained dentist. Aya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya...

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2 years

Super Hans: [Singing] Oh I just wanna fuck and suck. Fuck and suck. Fuck and suck. Everyone! I just wanna fuck and suck. All the whole night through. I love cocaine! I love cocaine!

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2 years

Mark: Sorry, guys. I- I was going to, you know, kick it up the other end and just put one right in their fucking goal hole, but no dice. So, I hear something big might be happening for you guys on the other side of the pond?

3

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2 years

Super Hans: Well, if it's just to wet the whistle.

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2 months

Super Hans: Yeah, they turned fünf, zwei years ago. So, what, pair of eight-ers, I reckon. I bloody love them two.

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1 year

Mark: Oh, feta? That's a sheep's cheese isn't it?

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@PeepScript

1 year

Mark: (God, I'm running away. This is brilliant. Maybe I'll go to a KFC and have a whole bargain bucket. Or I could join Al Qaeda. Maybe I'll marry my lap dancer. I do think, in a weird way, we had a connection. Fuck the Blockbusters fine, I'm going clear!)

3

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1 year

Mark: No, Jeremy, it's not my turkey.

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3 years

Super Hans: Don't know, fucking rental snake innit.

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1 year

Mark: (Tube up his nose, tube up his nose. He's a man with a tube up his nose.)

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2 years

Mark: Wow! (I've been initiated. I am a drug user. Fuck the police!)

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2 years

Jeremy: ...I've watched Grand Designs with you. That smile when some eco-glass gets delayed on its way from Antwerp and the nice couple gets pushed over budget. That's the real you.

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1 year

Mark: This piece of paper says that I am fucked.

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3 years

Jeremy: It was a joke, Mark, I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.

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1 year

Super Hans: Don't say crack Jez, yeah? Please, not now. Cos you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack, so can you not say crack?

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2 years

[Jez pulls a face at Barbara while Mark isn’t looking]

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1 year

Mark: Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you killed, is not one of them.

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1 year

Jeremy: (Suck Mummy's finger. Do I suck the finger?) [He sucks the finger]

4

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4 months

Mark: JEFF?!

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1 year

Mark: (Oh yeah, they can laugh, but I win because they think I pissed myself. They've no clue I came all in my pants.)

2

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1 year

Super Hans: You're having thoughts again. I've told you about that shit.

2

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2 months

Jeremy: Oh, me too. I adore to read, it's amazing, isn't it? Because a book, I always say, can be about anything.

1

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2 years

Super Hans: Did you try to get me sectioned?

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1 year

Mark: (OK, here we go, wedding day. I am heading for a wedding. How do I feel? Empty? Check. Scared? Check. Alone? Check. Just another ordinary day. Ha ha. Very funny.)

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2 years

Mark: Yeah well, Frosties are just Corn Flakes for people who can't face reality.

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Peep Show Script

@PeepScript

2 years

Big Suze: You're a bit like a modern day eunuch aren't you Mark?

1

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1 year

Dobby: [Singing] Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, Everybody quiet 'cause Jeff's doing a joke.

5

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@PeepScript

1 year

Alan: You will not be informed of the meaning of Project Zeus until the time is right for you to know the meaning of Project Zeus.

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@PeepScript

2 years

Mark: [In a high-pitched voice] Can I have my Blackberry back?

6

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@PeepScript

1 year

Mark: Unfilled?

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2 years

Jeremy: [Sobbing] Everything's turned from gold into shit.

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3 years

Super Hans: The twins. I'm always going on about me twins, aren't I?

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@PeepScript

2 years

Jeff: No worries. Gay or not, there's no threat from you, pal. You could have your cock in her. You still wouldn't have the balls to fuck. See you later.

7

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10 days

Mark: We have an obligation to be anxious. It's a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation.

2

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2 months

Mark: You thought I was saying I was a mega-paedo? And your reaction was that "you'd always wondered"?

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2 years

Super Hans: Tell you what, as a fucking off present, why don't we spike him?

6

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2 years

Mark: (Look at me, I've got a girlfriend, a proper girlfriend reading a bestseller about child abuse. I go out and have croissants. I'm just a normal, functioning member of the human race, and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.)

0

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2 years

Mark: I'm eating a Fruit Corner, Jeremy.

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1 month

Mark: (Oh, my God.) My son. Minimal water damage.

4

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4 months

Mark: It's remarkable, isn't it? That out of the three billion adult women in the world your one true soulmate happens conveniently to live in the same block of flats as you rather than, say, in a village in Mozambique?

3

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2 months

Super Hans: How old? Seven or eight? What's fünf in English?

5

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2 years

Mark: 'Love life' may be a rather grandiose term for staring at women on the bus.

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2 years

Mark: [sees that during a piece on anti-social behaviour, the local news is showing footage of him drinking outside the mini golf park] That's- that's- that's our picnic! You can't see the kettle chips.

2

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3 years

Jeremy: Mummy, coffee. Fucky hurry-uppy.

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1 year

Jeremy: Well come on, my turn with Gunny. Now pass me the Doritos or I'll blow my brains out!

1

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2 years

Super Hans: Relax, it's not Blue Peter. Just a nice little relaxing smoke of crack.

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3 years

Mark: (Oh yeah, they can laugh, but I win because they think I pissed myself. They've no clue I came all in my pants.)

3

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1 year

Mark: You know Jez, I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked. You know? Everything's fucked. I fucked my wedding, I fucked up my only ever relationship. Everything's just completely fucked.

1

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1 year

Super Hans: You should drop acid at the funeral, make it more intense. That's what I did at my old man's. It was fucking mental. I was crying and laughing. Didn't know who was dead and who was alive.

1

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@PeepScript

1 year

Alan: Don't be alarmed Mark, it's just t'ai chi. Take a seat and I'll just power through. Should take forty-five minutes, I'm done in ten. Stick that up your dojo.

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2 years

Jeremy: Uh sorry, excuse me, I ordered three pilau rice and three peshwari naans.

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