Damien Owens @OwensDamien Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@FlamengoRules

@llkckll1

@sakusaku_1029

@oleksandramazur

@JulieVerNation

@OnecaratAzusa

@UTDmeek

@BNHR

@rrusska

@grc_research

@ohitu

@LoveNoLongBeans

@dotdashmeredith

@_9yuui

@GerroKing

@DelikaPsyka

@siloLevoL

@cpl_julie_dan

@fsantanamariano

@lyji0

@111_fah193

@BarstoolHawklet

@MNZToken

@jlgAV2fsmz73897

@sheismalakkk

@nesonimm

@Darlene199x

@zenobiotic

@helena8835

@non_alc3

@ibubohay2

@W0lfbrother23

@nuqsl

@rawksha_

@Bibolotty

@otvorium

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

As long as I live, I will never understand how this alone wasn’t the end of it.

6K

102K

186K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

I hear you, Sanders supporters who plan to vote Trump. One time I asked for Coke but they only had Pepsi, so I set fire to my head.

762

39K

61K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

You have to feel sorry for CPAC. They booked a perfectly normal Nazi in good faith and then found out he was some kind of *weird* Nazi.

300

15K

37K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

Sick of all the chirpy articles saying ‘Why not use this time to learn a language or master an instrument?’ BECAUSE I’M PARALYSED WITH ANXIETY, THAT’S WHY, MARY FUCKING POPPINS.

388

6K

41K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

I don't want to see a picture of Jeff Bezos's dick, thank you very much. I'm perfectly happy with dick pics from my local independent bookseller.

201

5K

38K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

The situation in Syria is incredibly complex, but if anyone can unravel it it’s a reality TV host who lost money running a casino.

323

13K

26K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

Saoirse Ronan has been nominated for an Oscar four times. She's 25. I got on a Dublin bus last week and asked the driver for 'A bus, please'.

69

2K

30K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

I want to skip to the end of the Trump movie where it fades out and captions tell us how long they each got in prison.

270

6K

25K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Irish Film Classifications G: Grand PG: Mostly grand but sure you know yourself 12: Might be a bit of shifting 15: Shifting, implied riding, lads getting a box in the mouth, a few bad words 18: Riding, young wans in the nip, heads blew clean off, and the LANGUAGE out of them

169

6K

21K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

419

3K

19K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

3 years

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this: ‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

217

3K

18K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Oh, come on. Ariana Grande v Piers Morgan isn’t a fair fight. She’s a sharp young woman with the world at her feet and he’s a pile of gone-off ham with a face drawn on it.

87

2K

15K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

I see the Sunday Times editor has apologised for the Kevin Myers article he accidentally commissioned, approved, edited and published.

209

5K

14K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

All these old farts are upset because Billie Eilish is doing the Bond theme. Thank God I'm still cool. I say give him a chance.

153

1K

15K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

10 years

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

142

8K

12K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Trump seems to be under the impression that he’s popular here in Ireland. This is in a Dublin pub toilet.

331

4K

11K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

I won’t believe Sarah Sanders has quit until I hear her personally deny it.

104

2K

11K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

I really hate wacky ties. Robert Mugabe has the right idea here - a sober deep blue with some low-key spots.

140

6K

10K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

Trump Tower is being evacuated. There’s a ‘suspicious package’. It’s probably a book.

298

4K

10K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

9 years

Our brains are hardwired to see humanity where there is none. Check out these adorable examples.

159

8K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

Now I’m depressed. I will never write anything as funny as ‘This is on top of the agreement we’ve signed with Liechtenstein.’

Sir Liam Fox

@LiamFox

5 years

BREAKING: Our negotiators have just initialled a trade agreement with Iceland & Norway for the European Economic Area. This is the 2nd biggest agreement we're rolling over and trade with EEA is worth nearly £30bn. This is on top of the agreement we’ve signed with Liechtenstein.

3K

2K

6K

177

2K

8K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

3 years

Irish people are cursed because we can't hear 'May the force be with you' without mentally adding 'And also with you'.

107

614

8K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

I'm not a big fan of Leo Varadkar. But I'm a HUGE fan of Leo Varadkar bringing his boyfriend to meet Mike Pence.

65

740

7K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

'Your new name is Reek.'

87

4K

6K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Any idea why they were called ‘The Troubles’ and not ‘The Smooth Sailings’, you ludicrous haunted pencil?

177

2K

7K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

9 years

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

79

3K

6K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

Britain: ‘This footage is potentially devastating to the British army’s impeccable global reputation.’ Ireland:

37

930

5K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

Zero COVID-19 deaths in Ireland today. Excellent news.

51

357

6K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

3 years

Let us now join hands, bow our heads, and recall this photo of Larry David dragging his daughter around Civil War battlefields.

112

538

5K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

3 years

Thanks, I got arrested.

24

468

6K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Can we drop the 'Theresa May's a good person doing her best in difficult circumstances' stuff? If she saw a button marked DESTROY IRELAND AND SAVE YOURSELF she'd break her fucking finger on it.

50

1K

5K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

10 years

Please remember that ‘What are you depressed about?’ makes no more sense than ‘What are you diabetic about?’

158

6K

4K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

The Trumps are like the Corleones except every single one of them is Fredo.

81

2K

5K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

9 years

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I'm bad at following orders, I'm emotionally dead, and she'd like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

37

2K

4K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

3 years

That guy who stuck a flare up his hole looks pretty silly now.

116

467

5K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

*dedicates rest of life to developing a vaccine*

63

539

5K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

Trump: ‘You can’t ALL be Lex Luthor’.

57

2K

4K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

By the sounds of things downstairs, my wife and her book club pals sure have drunk a lot of books.

44

337

4K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

‘Daddy, what was 2016 like?’ ‘All the cool people died. Everyone fell in behind assholes with bad hair and worse ideas. It rained a lot.’

29

3K

4K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Trump's mad at Google because searching for his own name returns bad news. This reminds me of my lawsuit against Full-length Mirror in Well-lit Clothes Shop Changing Room.

27

810

4K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

Nice shot of a cheerful Pope Francis giving Trump the tour. 'Chairs, floor, walls ... We're done, get out.'

142

2K

4K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

* Brexit will be a huge success! * It will be probably be a success! * We never said ‘success’. * At least we’re taking back control. * Look, most people will survive. * Don’t forget, there’s protein in the rat’s eyeballs too.

40

1K

4K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

Jeremy Paxman telling a joke: ‘Knock, knock.’ ‘Who’s there?’ ‘I’LL ASK THE QUESTIONS. NOW I PUT IT TO YOU AGAIN: KNOCK, KNOCK.’

15

2K

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

‘I grow tired of this foul human air.’ ‘Patience, Maz’khuun. Soon we will return to the under-realms and inform the Elders of our success.’

60

1K

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

‘What’s that, chocolate? Everyone who laughed at my hat must die? Well, you’re the boss.’

12

784

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

‘Daddy, what was Twitter like?’ ‘It was like this:’

72

2K

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Welcome to your forties! You're tired all the time now, you don't know who any of the famous people are, and you've got a phone reminder called 'Bins'.

168

597

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

William Barr looks like a Steve Bannon who got help.

60

286

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

Imagine the scene when Ryan told Trump he didn’t have the votes. I’d give anything to have been one of the flies on Steve Bannon.

49

675

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

10 years

‘Daddy, can we paint your face?’ ‘OK, what am I going to be?’ ‘A beautiful butterfly.’ http://t.co/TymVFZIkPj

212

1K

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

Seems Jeremy Corbyn’s strategy of being absolutely fucking useless hasn’t paid the handsome dividends he might have hoped for.

30

515

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Dance like Mark Zuckerberg isn’t watching.

28

776

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

I made a Standard Trump Reply:

63

771

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Hey, America, Ireland here. Do you want us to take a swing at this Trump thing?

123

350

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Ireland’s only just put its feet up after the Pope left, and now the doorbell goes again. ‘Shite, who’s that? AH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.’

50

608

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

Katie Hopkins lost her libel case and owes a lot of money. Let's dig deep and raise funds to buy a huge megaphone we can all laugh through.

51

881

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

'Excuse me, which way is Salisbury Cathedral?'

21

499

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

Nobody can fuck off as far and as fast as these arseholes can fuck off.

60

252

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

In keeping with a tradition as old as the presidency itself, Trump just paid out $25m to people he defrauded by running a fake university.

21

992

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

I’ve got a good title for the inevitable movie about a Matt Damon-like star being stranded in Ireland, learning all about our weird obsessions and ultimately going native. Here it comes. Ready? Are you ready? ‘IMMERSION’

84

233

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

3 years

I’m obsessed with I-Am-Very-Smart Twitter whataboutery. This one should be in an art gallery. Unimprovable.

46

310

3K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

Everyone’s laughing at Trump because he’s banging on about antibiotics. Give him a break. How is he supposed know that the coronavirus is a virus?

61

360

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

9 years

It's very generous of him but is an Australian actress what they really need right now?

37

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

Don't forget the clocks go forward tonight, as they do every night, pitiless and unstoppable, silent witnesses to our inevitable decay.

42

1K

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

The penny will drop in an hour or so.

62

1K

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

'Huge asteroid heading for Earth, where I won the election! Extinction-level event! Everyone doomed! Thanks!'

21

425

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

This isn’t what ‘secret’ means. Mind you, it’s probably not what ‘interview’ means either.

Mirror Breaking News

@MirrorBreaking_

6 years

BREAKING Donald Trump gives 'secret' interview to Piers Morgan on board Air Force One

196

45

112

38

355

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

10 years

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

29

846

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

10 years

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

47

1K

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

3 years

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

33

179

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

2 years

An Irish mammy gets hold of her teenage son’s laptop.

10

223

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

To be Irish these days is to constantly look east and west in horror, like a Wimbledon spectator who's just realised the players are drunk.

40

873

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

‘Having gnawed through the ropes and run naked down the street in tears, would you consider returning to our basement?’

93

476

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

Steve Bannon often looks quite sinister, so well done to Time magazine for capturing his playful side.

109

801

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

It didn't start with Auschwitz, you know. It started with lists and bans and press attacks and all the other stuff you stand over, grinning.

Paul Ryan

@SpeakerRyan

8 years

On this #HolocaustMemorialDay , we remember the millions of innocent lives lost, and pledge #NeverAgain .

6K

598

3K

35

1K

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

2 years

I don’t ask for much, God, but please, I’m begging you, have Garth Brooks commiserate with the Dublin crowd on the loss of their queen.

47

110

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

Humanity: not long to go now.

47

926

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

To Americans confused by today’s events: the French saw the racist lunatic pushing easy hate-based solutions and voted for the other person.

22

694

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

Remember when you were a child and America seemed impossibly cool and glamorous? Now you think of it and shudder.

55

566

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

Paul Ryan stares at the floor. A lone tear meanders down his boyish face. ‘I just wanted poor people to die,’ he croaks. ‘Is that so wrong?’

26

695

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

I'd love it if Bill Gates controlled me using a microchip. He couldn't do a worse job than I'm doing.

24

137

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

Disney World is reopening in Florida. You can go meet the updated Seven Dwarfs, Dopey, Coughy, Wheezy, Sweaty, Frightened, Lonely, and Dead.

17

387

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

5 years

London journalists, I’m begging you: someone ask the DUP how old the Earth is.

28

253

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

We don’t call it Boxing Day in Ireland. Although you may hear references to St Stephen’s Day, the correct term is in fact Stephenseses Day.

32

291

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

Sure, pal, the debat. Now let’s get you back into bed.

71

236

1K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

3 years

‘Ireland! A nation of storytellers! How are we to account for this rich tradit

20

209

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

Time to check in and see how Brexit’s going ...

22

869

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

'Prison Reform with Kim Kardashian.'

17

488

1K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

4 years

You have to respect the honesty here.

19

122

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Calling people Nazis is what turns them into Nazis, apparently. Please start referring to me as 'that super-rich guy all the girls are crazy about'.

27

244

1K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

2 years

To be fair to Dublin Airport Authority, who let 248 staff go during the pandemic, how were they to know about the linear nature of time?

7

106

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Christ, you have to watch the Late Late to get an exit poll. It’s like someone stuck your Leaving Cert results up a cow’s arse.

37

304

2K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

Just approached some kids setting a fire in the park. We had a long chat about civic responsibility, then all agreed that I should fuck off.

9

594

1K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

North Korea flew a missile over Japan. This is going to require delicate- *Trump has already tweeted a mushroom cloud he crayoned*

32

366

1K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

I fear Ireland will lose the run of itself when Trudeau arrives. We'll wind up giving him Galway as a present.

53

303

1K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Big fan of this sort of tweet: ‘ORDINARY PEOPLE WILL NEVER TASTE FREEDOM SO LONG AS THE WINDSOR PARASITES ARE ALLOWED TO SUCK ON THEIR VERY LIFEBLOOD. ALSO, THAT DRESS IS BEAUTIFUL ON HER.’

12

202

1K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

I suppose the simplest reply to any Americans gloating that Jo Cox's murder proves gun control doesn't work is 'Learn to fucking count'.

21

818

1K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

6 years

Well done, Elon Musk. It takes a big man to eventually admit he was wrong after his lawyers pointed out he was going to get sued into tiny pieces because he called a hero a pedo for making fun of his mini-submarine.

21

196

1K

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

7 years

This time last year I was getting Trump all wrong and being gently corrected by his kind-hearted and highly intelligent supporters.

Damien Owens

@OwensDamien

8 years

As long as I live, I will never understand how this alone wasn’t the end of it.

6K