pumpkin pie crust @OrdinaryAlso Twitter profile

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pumpkin pie crust

2 months

parenting a teenager is surreal because you’ll be sitting there and some dude who is much taller than you will walk around the corner and ask you how to open a popcorn bag.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

[in the back of a police car] the light’s green you can go

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@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

you ARE a good driver. that curb DOESN’T belong there.

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@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

brain: cactus. me: ok. brain: touch it. me: but it’s sharp. brain: i know but HOW sharp.

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@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

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@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

6 years

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

you come to me on the day my neck hurts from sleeping on it weird?

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

cop: where’s your permit? street performer: [shuffling cups on a table] where indeed.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

6 months

going to TJ Maxx. does anyone need any new clothes and/or gourmet pasta shells?

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

if the pizza sizes are just medium and large, you don’t have a medium and large. you have a small and large. that’s not what medium means.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

6 months

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

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@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

her: i really can’t stay. me: baby there’s 30-50 feral hogs outside.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 months

@aliciakm80 pediatricians will be like “and he’s still growing”

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

sorry i can’t make it in spirit but i’ll be there in physical

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@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

Me: can I turn the ceiling fan off? Helicopter pilot: no.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

no one: people with a garage refrigerator: oh that’s in the garage refrigerator.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

“do you have a tik tok” [checks watch] yeah it’s 11:10.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 months

@janepaints once while working in an office someone put her lunch in the microwave while still wrapped in aluminum foil and complained about the microwave when it caught fire, insisting that she “does it all the time at home”

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 months

what if you woke up and got to see the name of todays episode like what do you mean “The Fender Bender”

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

offering a squirt of hand sanitizer to the guy i’m about to fight

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

i don’t even know how to use my own debit card anymore. tap it? swipe it? bop it? twist it?

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@OrdinaryAlso

5 years

It’s all “ok boomer” until you need someone who can drive stick shift.

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@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

roosters wake up and scream because they know.

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@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire but the contestants are billionaires and the losers have their wealth redistributed.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

brain: tweet about yourself talking to me. me: but i’m you. brain: it’ll be funny tho me: it doesn’t make any sense brain: you’re already doing it.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

women are like “good men are hard to find” and then never check the bushes outside their house.

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@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

listen carefully. because i will NOT repeat myself. because i will NOT remember what i said.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

5 years

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

online recipes: before i explain how to make this pasta, here are 3 paragraphs about how tomatoes have touched my life.

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@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

me: how do i use this inhaler? doctor: you suck. me: i’m trying sorry

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 months

(at Hooters) it was my understanding there would also be a blowfish

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece. actor: British accent got it.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

6 months

cop: what’s this? *holding up a small baggie* me: little sandwich. cop: *narrows eyes*what kind of little sandwich? me: *lowers head* little crack sandwich

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

this is the one. if i buy this cup i’ll finally start drinking water regularly

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@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

damn someone’s already here pondering

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

there’s NO WAY John Lennon imagined this many people.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

wife just gave me the stink eye because she said “right about now” and i blurted out “funk soul brother” without realizing she’s on a work call.

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@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

debate team: you’re not on the team. me: yes i am.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

[at Chipotle drive-thru] yes i’m getting a bowl. *drives to next window* white rice *drives to next window* barbacoa *drives to next window*

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

me: just going to take off my hoodie. shirt: me too. me: no just the hoodie. shirt: ok but also me too. me: no. belly button: hello! :)

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

haunted house: get. out. me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

you guys talk about the 90s like it was 30 years ago lol

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

7 months

(burglar breaks into my house) me: Reginald, kill! pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

6 years

Come All Ye Faithful Come Come All Ye Faithful You’re my butterfly Sugar baby

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

dogs will wrap their leash completely around a stop sign then look you square in the eyes like “this is all your fault”

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

you open your refrigerator. it’s empty. your phone rings. it’s Arbys. “we have the meats. you have 24 hours.”

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

DO NOT eat the guacamole that comes with sushi in one hit.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

why stay inside the lines when you can just be yourself :)

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

on the outside i’m lollygaging. but on the inside i’m dilly dallying.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

men only want one thing and it’s an everything bagel with cream cheese

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

Amazon: I see you bought a rice cooker so here’s an ad for a rice cooker in case you want to buy another rice cooker.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

5 years

Dog: *eats its own vomit* Humans: gross. Bees:

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@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

Mechanic: when were your tires last rotated? Me: on the way here.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

(gets pulled over) wife: be nice. cop: do you have any drugs? me: yeah man help yourself.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

gonna be real with you guys. i can’t think of a single valid reason to not let my kids cuss other than other people’s judgment

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

you go to pee. but you get a weird feeling that someone’s behind the shower curtain. you open it. it’s a Broadway audience. it was actually a stage curtain. they applaud.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

pilot: we have to evacuate the plane me: oh no. pilot: using the inflatable emergency slide. me: yay

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

you’re in a public bathroom. you go to wash your hands. an attendant taps on a sign. “employees must wash hands” it says. “can i do it myself?” you ask. he shakes his head and massages soap into your palms.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

10 months

what if I perhaps jingled just some of the way?

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking. me: goo goo gah gah marriage counselor: no.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 months

is 35 too old to be placed in a basket and left on someone’s doorstep?

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

how am i supposed to cha cha real smooth in these conditions?

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

oh you’re street smart? name all the streets.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

tanning beds are dumb. so i just lay there? i want to spin around. like a rotisserie chicken if you will.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

KFC is so good i wish Kentucky was a real place

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

shorts but they go down to your feet. longs.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

thinking about when my mom flipped someone off in traffic for honking at her and then realized she had a “honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

5 years

Me: I forgot my safe word. IT guy: I’ll unlock your account but first you have to stop calling it that.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

6 years

*drops ice cube* *leaves it* *steps on small puddle later while wearing socks* I deserve this.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

9 months

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

[stove is on fire] me: what did i do wrong??? wife: did you read the recipe? me: yes! wife: INCLUDING the first two paragraphs about their childhood??? me: oh no what have i done

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

when i’m bored i tell middle aged men that Home Depot and Lowes are the same exact store.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

bands in the 80s: hey we’re a rock band. here’s a song about us being a rock band.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

i’m not procrastinating i was never going to do it.

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@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

“you got a staring problem?” ima keep it real with you chief i space out a lot

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

put me in bed and sew the blanket around my body like a little ravioli boy.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

a skate park but for bowling balls. no rules. no purpose. just raw untamed chaos.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too? me: no. one only.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

stop asking people with ADD unanswerable questions like “what took you so long” we don’t know.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

Alexa remind me in 10 seconds what i’m going into this next room for.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

“your house is so clean” haha thanks my brain is convinced that if i stop completing tasks i’ll die.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

When this is over, don’t tell my kids we’re allowed to go inside McDonald’s again.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

a silent flush option on your toilet for when it’s 2am.

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@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

bottling up all my anger and then taking it out on the clothing hangers when they tangle a little

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

a corndog with two handles. cobdog.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

car wash guy: premium? me: ultimate. *holds my wife’s hand* it’s our anniversary.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

if i had a pet tortoise i would name hit Curtis but spelled Curtoise.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

me: i’m going home. sand on the beach: ima go with you

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

2 years

waiter: from the gentleman at the bar. *hands me a soggy Dorito chip* gentleman at the bar, who is a 2 year old: *raises glass at me*

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

4 years

nobody: zodiac people: are you an aquarium or caprisun?

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

sorry i missed your call i was Googling your number.

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

just gonna leave this here.

pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

i don’t even know how to use my own debit card anymore. tap it? swipe it? bop it? twist it?

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

9 months

they should invent a hand dryer that dries your hands

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pumpkin pie crust

@OrdinaryAlso

3 years

“sorry i was rude earlier” it’s cool man i don’t pick up on social cues

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