Neal Allen @NealFAllen Twitter profile

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

My wife ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ says I’ve been selected for the first trial of Dear Leader’s light and Clorox injection treatment.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Here I am moments after being wedded to the kindest, most beautiful, most accepting woman, the very same woman whose profundity and hilarity I get to share with you. (Signed) Mr. @ANNELAMOTT

ANNE LAMOTT

@ANNELAMOTT

5 years

So I got married yesterday, to a brilliant sweet soulful man named ⁦Neal, aka @NealFAllen ⁩. It was perfectly beautiful. Thank you all for your endless love and appreciation. (Signed) Mrs. Anne Lamott

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

@NealFAllen is by no means smarter than @ANNELAMOTT . I should know. He is tall, but the attached tweet is otherwise unreliable. @ANNELAMOTT is the kindest, most brilliant, funniest, most beautiful human alive. I know this objectively and I am willing to get it notarized.

ANNE LAMOTT

@ANNELAMOTT

5 years

I’m getting married tmrw in a redwood grove, at the age of 65, to a tall handsome writer @NealFAllen —good sense of humor, is smarter than I am, can fix anything, and cook. So never ever give up, no matter how things look or how long they take. Don’t quit before the miracle. Deal?

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

A friend of Annie’s reports that in both UK and USA ours is the biggest wedding since Harry and Meghan, whoever they were. This might be why bridezilla @ANNELAMOTT is demanding a horse-drawn carriage & ermine stole & 2-lb bag of M&Ms. It’s the @Costco cherry pies all over again.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

My precious wife @ANNELAMOTT ’s new way of telling me to bug off: “Shouldn’t you be studying Sanskrit?”

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

Roughing it at Yosemite with ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩, 2nd anniversary with a beautiful woman of expanding kindness.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

You know how at kids’ weddings all the old people stay on the periphery and watch sardonically or sweetly? When you get married old, like @ANNELAMOTT and I recently did, the young people stay on the periphery, sardonically and sweetly watching the old people have fun.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Wow. Marriage changes everything! #athome #watchingBeck #scandinavianprocedurals with @ANNELAMOTT

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

How many men can boast to their brides they passed a kidney stone the morning of their wedding, @ANNELAMOTT ? #themanyouaremarrying #painless #goodtiming

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Sheer bliss. At 150 days, our marriage is ALREADY longer than Nicolas Cage and Lisa-Marie Presley’s OR Kid Rock and Pam Anderson’s! #OneForTheRecordBooks #OldFolksAtHome #HaHaCherAndGreggAllman

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Smart move, Kev. You don’t want that rap of being “the adult in the room” that doomed your predecessors.

Kevin McCarthy

@SpeakerMcCarthy

4 years

If a respected three-star general and then-advisor to the President can become the victim of a manipulated federal investigation, what hope does the average American have? What happened to @GenFlynn is a national disgrace.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

Guess where @annelamott and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary? #oh #god #not #another #natl #park

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

@ANNELAMOTT vowed to wait until after we were married before retiring to permanent bed rest and morning cherry pie. She couldn’t help herself. #brokenvows #already

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Let’s hear it for Joe Biden’s decency.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Heading to Maui where ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ and I plan to renew our vows. After a dark period, we both believe that we can make it work this time. #honeymoon #RamDassRetreat #snorkeling

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ asked for passage on the QE2 and the traditional grand tour of Europe for our honeymoon, but I put my foot down. Waiting to board our plane for Dallas.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

Checked in to my Facebook feed. Glad to see that everyone is having a perfect Christmas with their high-functioning families. Big smiles. All is well! I guess I was wrong to worry.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

7 years

#MarchForOurLivesSF @annelamott Fed and ready to roll

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Hitched

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

. @ANNELAMOTT doesn’t seem to care, but I’m quite worried that the Be Best movement will lose momentum.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

My brilliant, beautiful fiancée ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ getting into the carpal tunnel groove for her fans. Tour kicks off Monday, new book drops Tuesday!

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

Name one thing that feels the same as when you were 10. I’ve got two: flying down the street on a bicycle, and swimming underwater the length of the pool.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

Joey Ramone once said: “Play before you get good, because by the time you get good, you’re too old to play.”

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Unlike Wm Shakespeare or Va Woolf, my wife @ANNELAMOTT wrote a book that made it into a Super Bowl ad.

Heather Rocco

@heatherrocco

4 years

@ANNELAMOTT And then a commercial with your book in it!

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Today’s news from the garden

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

I have a lot to thank Bill Rankin for.

ANNE LAMOTT

@ANNELAMOTT

5 years

Beloved priest friends Bill Rankin, @Thomasweston & @jackkornfield are marrying me and @NealFAllen today. Bill was there in 1985 when I was hittting bottom. I said God could not love me in the shape I was in, doing what I was doing. He said God HAD to love me—that was God’s job.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

For millennia, probably for all human time before the mid-1800s, the average longevity was 40 years, across cultures. Now it’s double that. Why? Public health: Sanitation, hygiene, pharmaceutical regulation, food safety, antibiotics and vaccines. Epidemiologists are heroes.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

2 years

Mukti comforts her Covid-stricken mistress @ANNELAMOTT

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Well-played, @ANNELAMOTT

ANNE LAMOTT

@ANNELAMOTT

5 years

Oh great, we’re getting into a big ugly fight now. Still, the secret of a good marriage is that each person secretly thinks they’re getting the better deal. So maybe we’re okay.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

On Day Four without a port we resort to sketching out cruise line murder mystery plots, one for each annoying fellow passenger. #ssminnow #allyoucaneat #marriagetest

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Odds of our marriage making it 30 more days to our First Anniversary widening in proportion to number of hours @ANNELAMOTT and I are stuck together at home. #CoronavirusDivorceRate #OffTheCharts #DidYouEatAllTheGoodnPlenty ?

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Silly us. ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ and I worried whether Rosalie would survive our disappearance on honeymoon. Here she is back home while we are in Maui sullenly mourning her absence. When the humans are away ... #PouncingPractice #FickleFeline

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

My fave ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ at work, and also sheltering in place. #homeinvasion

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

8 years

How do I text my vote for SCOTUS? #realityshow @ANNELAMOTT

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Today’s news from the garden.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Remember the weird dystopian picture of America that Trump spewed in his Inaugural address? Not so weird now. More a preview of what he was bringing to the table.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Saying “I don’t know” refreshes curiosity, joy, and the spontaneity of the now.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

7 years

I don't like how excited all the news people are. No one expresses the deep failure that war always represents. Why aren't they sad?

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Today’s news from the garden.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

8 years

Great day for democracy

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Love to watch people voting the hell out of this election.

Mark D. Levine

@MarkLevineNYC

4 years

SEE IT 100s in line to vote, some there for hours, ahead of opening of polls for early voting, at 168th St. in Uptown Manhattan. Line goes all way around block and now starting to wrap around 2nd time. This is unprecedented in NYC. We are in a whole new world.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

The first thing I learn from friends who have been sexually assaulted is the identity of the assailant. It’s the first thing stored in memory. It is repeated in memory over and over. It is not credible that she got it wrong.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Rain clouds on the marital bliss horizon. Not one of the 500 dowry goats has arrived. @ANNELAMOTT where are they?

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Special ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ edition of today’s news from the garden.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Hiding her unelectable anger*, my wife ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ projects her own insecurities on ⁦ @DevinNunes ⁩ but admits that ⁦he sports a very nice tie today. *common to most if not all women

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

Why would I vote for a man in 2020 if a qualified woman with a similar outlook is running? The future is a nation managed by women. They are better socialized than us. Ask any woman who has dated men.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

No one I’d rather celebrate with by sheltering in place. @ANNELAMOTT

ANNE LAMOTT

@ANNELAMOTT

4 years

Happy birthday to my husband, heartthrob, husband @NealFAllen . You were the one I was waiting for.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Please stop men from running for office.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

One of the most difficult human challenges is to not answer hate with hate.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Today’s news from the garden

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

In the streets. Indivisible San Rafael. Impeach, remove, imprison. ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

@kurteichenwald There is no greater calling than public health, which sits wobbling on the apex of “the greatest good for the greatest number of people.” Statistics, antibiotics, vaccines and secure food are the tools of the public health trade. Shut up and sign the social contract.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Proof from USPS that not everyone thinks of me as Mr. Anne Lamott.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Space lasers got nothing on this babe. #MTG #be #damned ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Better than an obituary

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

Bernie and Biden on top in New Hampshire? Ugh. I want women running this country.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

In a Democracy, if a leader wants an unpopular policy, he or she has to offer a lot of stuff that the majority wants. Giving back stuff that you took away doesn’t count.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Wedding disaster! Costco’s cherry pie season ended last week. None to be had. I had planned for this perfect product to cap our rehearsal dinner bbq. Now I’m lost. @ANNELAMOTT has agreed to postpone all festivities, including our betrothal, until a solution is found.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ sole power. Sitting pretty in Yosemite. #anniversary #waltz

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

As is evident here, my wife ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ is angry and unelectable (like most if not all #women .) #GirlsShouldBeNice #AllTheTime #Cooties

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

2 years

Not fair. Even when in her death throes, @ANNELAMOTT has to be “more adorable.”

ANNE LAMOTT

@ANNELAMOTT

2 years

My current husband @NealFAllen and I have exactly the same covid symptoms and fevers but mine are a lot more adorable.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

What’s wrong with us that we don’t laugh our asses off when the hoarding class objects to taxes? Why would I ever vote for a hoarding class candidate? How could he possibly have my interests in mind? He’s an ungenerous HOARDER! It’s a choice, you know!

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Why would I vote for a man when a qualified woman has the same policies? I want a world run by women. They know how to share.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

As the Trump criminal enterprise collapses, let’s not forget that his political enablers are named Murdoch, Mercer and Koch. These are our nation’s true enemies. The hoarders have used Trump and Putin to wreck democracy. All for personal greed.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Dear God, please stop men from running for office.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

7 years

Guess who just entered The NY Times bestseller list at #2 ?! @HallelujahAnyway @ANNELAMOTT

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

Introducing Rosalie, our new person. ⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ and ⁦ @NealFAllen ⁩ inadvertently visited the pound. Got her out of jail in time for her to register at the polls and Vote Blue!

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Today’s news from the garden.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

Today’s news from the garden. #first #rose #unfolds

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Today’s news from the garden

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

A Truth Reckoning: Will other news outlets join Forbes in this pledge?

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

I’ve read that a family of deer lives its whole life within a square mile. Seems similar to my pandemic life.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

The secret to a better life: 5-6 pairs of scissors. I’m pretty sure this is why @ANNELAMOTT agreed to marry me. #neverlost #alwaysfound

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

At her request, @ANNELAMOTT henceforth shall be known as Individual 7.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ marching marching marching

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

7 years

A couple of women talking about hope in dark times @ANNELAMOTT @HillaryClinton

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

8 years

What hurts Trump most is our crash course in civics. We're rapidly learning who we are and what our wealth-hoarding Congress is up to.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

Little League under the lights in Rancho Nicasio. Keeping our eyes out for falling Chinese rockets. Otherwise content.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

I was taught as a cub reporter that the word “frankly” is usually a tell that what follows is a lie.

The Hill

@thehill

5 years

Rep. Jim Jordan: "I think, frankly, things are going well for the President."

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Today’s news from the garden.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

8 years

Within an inner circle of 25 or so, pathological narcissists can maintain a fictional reality. A family business is perfect. @ANNELAMOTT

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

7 years

You can't meditate wrong. It's not about having no thoughts. If you notice how busy your mind is, you win. It's rigged in your favor.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

It’s embarrassing to discover that this is me at heart, a ball of pink fluffy love.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

My wife @ANNELAMOTT in her role as Super Bowl LIV color commentator, just announced, “The Kansas City Chiefs are not the Tom Brady team.” #fourth #quarter

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Last weekend Annie & I got hitched!

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

This little light of mine/I’m gonna let it shine! #MuellerRapidResponse

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

Lest anyone still doubt the superhuman nature of my wife @ANNELAMOTT , let it be known that when she calls out the name “Rosalie,” our cat by same name comes running to her. #ReportingToDuty #NurtureOverNature

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

After I posted a pic wearing my ring, certain individuals (my children) expressed alarm that we had eloped. Nope, not yet. I told @ANNELAMOTT I might announce that for a few months more I’m still available. She said prettily, “How witty.”

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

5 years

.⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ as she was hauled before a hostile crowd of Buddhists and Hindus. #inquisition #JesusSaves #AWritingLife #RamDassIsLove

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

8 years

He assumes judges are as petty and deceitful as he is. He shivers, and assumes the cold is in the air, not in his heart.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

I agree only with the part about being cranky.

ANNE LAMOTT

@ANNELAMOTT

3 years

It’s my husband ⁦⁦ @NealFAllen ⁩’s birthday. He’s not a unicorn but a dream come true—kind, brilliant, funny, spiritual, cranky, curious, & a great cook. He published a book (Shapes of Truth) in May & gets his master in Eastern classics. I love him so much. NEVER give up.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

8 years

Trump assumes that others lie as much as he does. Lacking self-reflection, pathological narcissists are projection machines. @ANNELAMOTT

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

6 years

Austin fan brings @ANNELAMOTT EIGHT different titles to sign. #carpaltunnel

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

8 years

Not reported because not true. Paid yourself out of it multiple times. Admitted wrongs to IRS. NYS suspended it. Crummy op. Sad!

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

8 years

I gave millions of dollars to DJT Foundation, raised or recieved millions more, ALL of which is given to charity, and media won't report!

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Today’s news from the garden.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

3 years

Rupert Murdoch could save thousands of lives by ending @Foxnews ’ pandering to vaccine disinformation. Getting inoculated could become a patriotic duty.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

.⁦ @ANNELAMOTT ⁩ Today’s news from the garden.

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Neal Allen

@NealFAllen

4 years

Did it. ⁦ #MyCivicDuty

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