16 years ago today I met her and fell in love. At the end of our first date we kissed under a willow tree and went our ways. I moved in with her 9 months later. Happy anniversary M. I just miss you. I miss it all.
How to explain Cummings-Gate.
You enter your kitchen to see a man eating your dinner. You ask him why he has eaten your dinner, and in between mouthfuls he denies that he is doing that, and shows you an empty plate to prove it.
Then a few hours later he throws his shit at you.
My mates window cleaner in St Ives took the vaccine and did a massive fluorescent shit in the shape of Matt Bianco, and now the tide wont come back in!
My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied
My beautiful baby. We had 15 years together. Today you left me, and today I left the world. I don’t know what I will do without you my beautiful M! x
Martinka Bachs
12-12-75 - 31-03-22
Just a quick message to say how overwhelmed I am by all the messages and kindness. I am shattered, scared and a touch empty at the moment. The pain of loss is so visceral. P x
Beyond overwhelmed by all of your kind words about M yesterday. Today my woe-a-thon continues. 7 years today since my Mum’s funeral. I won’t lie, but Nov 9th - 10th can do one! Here’s Mum looking vibrant and beautiful.
Festival of Brexit Britain! Some details have been leaked:
6am: UK Wide Hi-De-Hi Siren sounds.
6.30am: Burning of Croissants on the streets.
7am: Compulsory nationwide marching in a clockwise direction to a Showaddywaddy mix tape.
1pm: Roast Beef ‘n’ Limbo dinner & dance.
@MrKenShabby
When applying for Drama school (1994) I sent many begging letters to established/famous actors for bursary funding. I received a cheque for £50 from Bob Hoskins with a hand written note saying ‘never write to me again.’
If by success you mean a Kamikaze nose dive into a stolen Toby Jug full of cold sick as Right Said Fred wank bullets into a dead clowns face whilst kicking the last known bee into the ghost of Hitler’s lipstick smeared floating see-through asshole, then I offer a tentative maybe.
Haunted window seat?
Bag of animal tongues?
An unexpected rip tide?
St Etienne’s abacus?
A part time fleshlight?
A pop up abattoir?
A ‘Taste the Difference’ themed Panic Room?
A Hobo’s pocket?
Deep fried fly tipping?
A plimsoll full of gravy?
Ted Danson’s hat?
Yet another morning spent making sure my recycling bin contains the accepted items, whilst 70 miles away, Water Companies casually sluice liquid shit into the sea whilst whistling ‘I’ve gotta be me,’
I’ve met some dangerously lovely people over the last 4 weeks or so. Also the kindness of those met and not seen has been stunning. I am still grief-bound and coping minute by minute at times, but please know how much you have all meant to me during this maelstrom. P x
Feeling the heat? Here are my top tips.
1. Put a cold flannel on your dinner.
2. Always write with a blue pen.
3. Keep your tattoo's in the fridge overnight.
4. Sellotape ice cubes to your windows.
5. Put up your Christmas Tree to encourage Winter.
6. Wear fingerless gloves.
And so it’s nearly time to leave the little house on Sunny Square, Trencin, Slovakia. I have taken Martinka’s ashes home. She will be placed in the family plot. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The grief is so amplified over here. But I will return one day. P x
Just heard a little tap at the window. It was the Queen. “Mind if I lay low down ere for the weekend? It’s doing me head in all this Jubilee lark. You won’t know I’m here son, promise.”
Just popped out to get her a Latte. She’s on the Freeview trying to find Nazi Megastructures.
Stood naked in the rain on my roof garden. Tears mixed with rain as I thought of my M. A genuinely cathartic little moment. I smell of ozone and grief but feel clean and happy for the first time in four months.
Considering we will soon be at war in Europe, this birthday video for the splendid
@MrPLitchfield
seems even more appropriate. Thank your Paul for everything you do to keep people laughing and smiling - this message was paid for by many of your JP Special friends.
An announcement!
I have written a new comedy show.
It's called The Wild Orb.
An almost natural history programme.
Join me as I tread where Attenborough fears to trod.
x6 30 min episodes.
£10 for the whole series.
Any RT's or reviews welcome.
Thanks!
P x
Jack Whitehall has worked with his parents to write a new book, How To Survive Family Holidays. Check out the video, featuring clips from their previous holidays:
My book Ten Years to Save the West is out on April 16th in 🇬🇧 and 🇺🇸.
We must change the system and be prepared to fight for conservative values.
#tenyearstosavethewest
📕PRE-ORDER a copy through my website:
George Galloway? As in George Galloway? The ‘say anything’ opportunist piñata? Him?
He looks like the end result of someone who tried to stuff Van Morrison inside Elvis Costello.
The more I read, watch and listen about UK politics, the harder it becomes to find the joke, the satirical swipe or the daft rebuttal.
All I feel now is the dull thrum of constant rage.
My default setting is now just hatred, settled and flourishing in its purest form.
Today I test drive Poundland’s £1 scent First Man.
Top notes: Sage, Monorail and Kidnapping.
Bottom notes: Leather, Scepticism and Bailiff.
Overall aroma: Online harpoon business.
Why didn’t the horses in Dogtanian & the Three Muskehounds get to evolve like all the other animals? Why did they stay on all fours? Why couldn’t they talk? Why? Why? WHY?
Anyone else spend most of their time on here just blocking ads from companies called things like DeThantos or Dawn-Arc who seem to offer fundamental help for things that don’t exist like underwater cat theatres or medical insurance for shadows?
The horse is the only animal that never evolved anthropomorphic traits in Dogtanian & The Three Muskehounds, condemned to remain held back whilst all the other the animals learnt how to put on shoes or order a fucking omelette in a cafe like regular folk!
Delighted to unveil the cover for the U.S. edition of my book out on April 16, Ten Years to Save the West: Leading the Revolution Against Globalism, Socialism, and the Liberal Establishment.
Pre-order your copy now 👇