Paul Litchfield @MrPLitchfield Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@kittichayyaemwa

@BinorRaja

@shisha_end

@pt20121

@ranjankr1976

@tmg_buzz

@NaPitit

@anfaej

@Youking74514090

@JohnTate561

@pigpower8

@haemarkf_

@dul_turkporno

@WallyDaGreat66

@OrielHouseCork

@stwmaniax

@hourlyshoko

@dbayy

@zenisansan10pan

@da5ki28

@sharif1684

@Utuku_nico

@abcdefuck_q

@speedouFx

@SadeceMuhendiis

@chakosyukatu

@lizmartinwriter

@schmidtmarla90

@Aiart90

@NWBearcatMBB

@904NinersNation

@la_peronga

@ali_ga

@tropicfeel

@turbanlisever69

@FranCNdeF_

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

Nadine Dorries photocopies blank paper so she won’t run out.

276

3K

21K

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

10 months

16 years ago today I met her and fell in love. At the end of our first date we kissed under a willow tree and went our ways. I moved in with her 9 months later. Happy anniversary M. I just miss you. I miss it all.

166

43

8K

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

4 years

How to explain Cummings-Gate. You enter your kitchen to see a man eating your dinner. You ask him why he has eaten your dinner, and in between mouthfuls he denies that he is doing that, and shows you an empty plate to prove it. Then a few hours later he throws his shit at you.

32

680

3K

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

My mates window cleaner in St Ives took the vaccine and did a massive fluorescent shit in the shape of Matt Bianco, and now the tide wont come back in!

Nicki Minaj

@NICKIMINAJ

3 years

My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied

38K

24K

138K

52

165

2K

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

4 years

365 Tory MP’s.

The Mirror

@DailyMirror

4 years

“A minority of people are putting the public’s health at risk,” says Priti Patel

125

11

32

18

283

2K

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

10 years

"No I like it, but could we do another one where I am sort of looking off into the distance? You know...for safety." http://t.co/GIxbd8kMi7

19

1K

2K

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

9 months

Fuck off from every other street.

Rishi Sunak

@RishiSunak

9 months

Merry Christmas from Downing Street 🎄

8K

2K

16K

11

128

2K

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

4 years

Found the best photo ever of anything.

31

145

1K

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

My beautiful baby. We had 15 years together. Today you left me, and today I left the world. I don’t know what I will do without you my beautiful M! x Martinka Bachs 12-12-75 - 31-03-22

166

6

1K

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

9 months

All the family have gathered. Dad’s chosen the Christmas film.

65

10

921

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

1 year

Like someone stretched a cat over an abacus.

John Rain 🥇

@ItsJohnRain

1 year

He looks so good

113

22

323

41

62

896

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

DJ on an abandoned Oil Rig.

188

26

802

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

5 years

Or utterly harrowing if you are looking out of a Travel Lodge window in Birmingham.

16

111

771

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

6 years

I have had so much fun with my new best friend Geoffrey today.

14

143

628

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Does this mean the flights to Rwanda will become a bus replacement service?

UK Prime Minister

@10DowningStreet

2 years

The Rt Hon Grant Shapps MP @grantshapps has been appointed Secretary of State for the Home Department @ukhomeoffice .

5K

349

1K

13

36

606

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

For Sale: Tractor. The spark has gone.

7

20

492

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

6 months

Fingers would be better.

UberFacts

@UberFacts

7 years

Lady Gaga has been playing piano by ear since the age of 4.

33

417

1K

4

33

491

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

4 years

Ask Jacob Rees-Mogg to stare at it.

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

4 years

How will we keep the Covid vaccine cold enough?

186

53

261

4

42

466

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

8 months

By God, he’s good!

9

37

458

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

6 years

Cunt.

The Poke

@ThePoke

6 years

Your captions please!

466

28

88

20

48

428

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

10 years

"Stop crying human." http://t.co/GvXcPEstnS

22

630

420

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Just a quick message to say how overwhelmed I am by all the messages and kindness. I am shattered, scared and a touch empty at the moment. The pain of loss is so visceral. P x

43

1

430

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

5 years

RIP the great Nicholas Parsons who lived for just a 50457600 minutes.

4

56

363

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

10 months

Beyond overwhelmed by all of your kind words about M yesterday. Today my woe-a-thon continues. 7 years today since my Mum’s funeral. I won’t lie, but Nov 9th - 10th can do one! Here’s Mum looking vibrant and beautiful.

16

1

339

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

9 months

Without downloading any new pics, just shut up.

6

48

265

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

6 years

Festival of Brexit Britain! Some details have been leaked: 6am: UK Wide Hi-De-Hi Siren sounds. 6.30am: Burning of Croissants on the streets. 7am: Compulsory nationwide marching in a clockwise direction to a Showaddywaddy mix tape. 1pm: Roast Beef ‘n’ Limbo dinner & dance.

22

69

237

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

7 years

@MrKenShabby When applying for Drama school (1994) I sent many begging letters to established/famous actors for bursary funding. I received a cheque for £50 from Bob Hoskins with a hand written note saying ‘never write to me again.’

4

29

232

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

It’s been 1 week my love. I could crush this grief into a diamond.

9

0

217

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

1 year

One year ago today I lost her. She still invades my memory.

40

0

225

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

If by success you mean a Kamikaze nose dive into a stolen Toby Jug full of cold sick as Right Said Fred wank bullets into a dead clowns face whilst kicking the last known bee into the ghost of Hitler’s lipstick smeared floating see-through asshole, then I offer a tentative maybe.

Matthew Stadlen

@MatthewStadlen

2 years

Do you think Brexit has been a success?

2K

40

230

13

40

212

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Looks like I picked the wrong day to drink melted cheese from a thermos in my favourite cloak.

2

42

206

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

5 years

Looks like I picked the wrong day to start up my pop up meringue stall.

3

29

204

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Today would have been our 15 year anniversary. Is still is. Martinka forever! x

27

1

201

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

Haunted window seat? Bag of animal tongues? An unexpected rip tide? St Etienne’s abacus? A part time fleshlight? A pop up abattoir? A ‘Taste the Difference’ themed Panic Room? A Hobo’s pocket? Deep fried fly tipping? A plimsoll full of gravy? Ted Danson’s hat?

The Independent

@Independent

3 years

Who could replace Boris Johnson as Tory leader?

194

11

25

10

38

189

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

11 years

"Parklife!" RT @DelStrainComedy : Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable.

14

287

187

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

In Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds, all the animals have evolved to speak and wear clothes EXCEPT FOR THE HORSES! WHY?

ManSitChoAzzDown

@AngryManTV

3 years

You’ve been kidnapped. 30 mins later the kidnapper dumps you on the street because you won’t stop talking about what?

5K

606

9K

14

41

188

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

*rips leaves off a tree* “IT’S AUTUMN!”

1

31

181

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

Yet another morning spent making sure my recycling bin contains the accepted items, whilst 70 miles away, Water Companies casually sluice liquid shit into the sea whilst whistling ‘I’ve gotta be me,’

2

59

179

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

My beautiful M. 12-12-75 - 31-03-22

20

1

182

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

The News now feels a bit like the time when U2 forced an album onto iTunes.

3

27

170

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

I’ve met some dangerously lovely people over the last 4 weeks or so. Also the kindness of those met and not seen has been stunning. I am still grief-bound and coping minute by minute at times, but please know how much you have all meant to me during this maelstrom. P x

20

0

176

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

10 years

I followed the instructions Ikea, but I still have a spare nut left. http://t.co/Lbd5qWVwai

31

229

159

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

2012 Netflix and Chill. 2022 No Netflix and Chilly.

2

17

162

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

9 months

Happy birthday Martinka. You would have been 48 today. I miss your touch. Your voice. Your smell. You. P x

13

1

157

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Feeling the heat? Here are my top tips. 1. Put a cold flannel on your dinner. 2. Always write with a blue pen. 3. Keep your tattoo's in the fridge overnight. 4. Sellotape ice cubes to your windows. 5. Put up your Christmas Tree to encourage Winter. 6. Wear fingerless gloves.

6

38

145

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 months

At least during this Election Campaign, Ed Davey has managed to complete his Duke of Edinburgh award scheme.

3

15

136

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

It’s like watching an Ugg boot try and fart the alphabet.

1

29

136

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

And so it’s nearly time to leave the little house on Sunny Square, Trencin, Slovakia. I have taken Martinka’s ashes home. She will be placed in the family plot. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The grief is so amplified over here. But I will return one day. P x

31

0

135

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

I am awash with joy. @TNeenan has done this portrait of Martinka. What a beautiful thing you have done Tom. I cannot thank you enough. P x

7

3

136

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

10 months

The best way to deal with these missing link Toby Jugs is to tell them there’s a free Wetherspoons made of tits and fighting in the middle of the sea.

Josh Gafson

@JoshGafson1

10 months

Fighting has broken out as people shouting ‘England ‘till I die’ attempted to reach the Cenotaph 👇

2K

5K

4

38

134

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Just heard a little tap at the window. It was the Queen. “Mind if I lay low down ere for the weekend? It’s doing me head in all this Jubilee lark. You won’t know I’m here son, promise.” Just popped out to get her a Latte. She’s on the Freeview trying to find Nazi Megastructures.

9

24

132

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

4 years

I wonder if Mars has a fucking pub on it?

29

16

130

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 months

Lord Lucan.

What’s For Dinner?

@WHATSFORDlNNER

2 months

What’s missing? 🤔

1K

90

1K

17

15

132

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Happy birthday M. You would have been 47 today. Today will be a riptide of memories. P x

20

0

128

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

8 months

She’s carpet bombing a donkey sanctuary.

Mirror Celeb

@MirrorCeleb

8 months

EXCLUSIVE: Taylor Swift could make one very controversial move in 2024, says expert

43

4

36

15

19

130

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Stood naked in the rain on my roof garden. Tears mixed with rain as I thought of my M. A genuinely cathartic little moment. I smell of ozone and grief but feel clean and happy for the first time in four months.

11

0

126

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

4 years

I hope he didn’t lick the envelopes.

Sky News

@SkyNews

4 years

Coronavirus: 30 million households to receive letter from PM warning 'things will get worse before they get better'

1K

779

2K

3

35

124

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

I don’t have Air Con but I am watching Con Air backwards.

3

14

119

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

7 years

"Put me down you mad bag of yoghurt."

7

40

114

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

9 years

Today on BBC's The Big Questions: Are helicopters bisexual? Is the horizon an immigrant? Can I have my lawnmower back?

10

118

106

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Holy shit! Wimbledon’s just resigned!

1

14

115

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

5 years

Judge Dredd.

Matthew Broughton

@Broughton500

5 years

i'm trying to work out which fictional detective i'd like to arrest Boris Johnson if (and when) he breaks the law.... So far i'm thinking Columbo.

134

9

70

6

20

109

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

5 months

2 years. No words. x

29

0

117

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

I got a birthday message from Herr Flick!

𝚃𝚒𝚖 𝙲𝚘𝚕𝚖𝚊𝚗

@timolsky

3 years

Considering we will soon be at war in Europe, this birthday video for the splendid @MrPLitchfield seems even more appropriate. Thank your Paul for everything you do to keep people laughing and smiling - this message was paid for by many of your JP Special friends.

0

4

47

15

6

113

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

7 years

Absorbing the souls of Noel Edmonds and Aslan?

Richard Branson

@richardbranson

7 years

What’s my secret to happiness? #FindingMyVirginity

1K

114

441

4

41

109

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Breaking News. Boris Johnson refuses to resign, but is considering just bursting like Kananga in Live and Let Die.

8

12

110

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

1 year

An announcement! I have written a new comedy show. It's called The Wild Orb. An almost natural history programme. Join me as I tread where Attenborough fears to trod. x6 30 min episodes. £10 for the whole series. Any RT's or reviews welcome. Thanks! P x

2

54

111

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

I’d rather knit my own sick.

British Comedy Guide

@BritishComedy

3 years

Jack Whitehall has worked with his parents to write a new book, How To Survive Family Holidays. Check out the video, featuring clips from their previous holidays:

7

6

44

5

2

111

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

5 months

Also out on audio book as a 6 hour fart.

Liz Truss

@trussliz

5 months

My book Ten Years to Save the West is out on April 16th in 🇬🇧 and 🇺🇸. We must change the system and be prepared to fight for conservative values. #tenyearstosavethewest 📕PRE-ORDER a copy through my website:

6K

314

2K

3

16

111

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Be a Christmas everyone! x

22

2

109

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Love you my M. x

11

0

110

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

4 months

Check behind the walls for Uri Geller. Could be a nest.

Derren Brown

@DerrenBrown

4 months

I have lost all of my teaspoons.

181

15

262

1

24

106

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

6 months

George Galloway? As in George Galloway? The ‘say anything’ opportunist piñata? Him? He looks like the end result of someone who tried to stuff Van Morrison inside Elvis Costello.

1

15

108

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

10 months

I’m single and ready to date. Here’s a picture of me in my pants.

12

10

107

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Hang on…he didn’t say WHICH Autumn!

4

16

102

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Inspector No Re-Morse.

Mnrrntt

@mnrrntt

2 years

Matt Hancock looking like he’s a detective in a new ITV series

20

3

29

5

12

102

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

The more I read, watch and listen about UK politics, the harder it becomes to find the joke, the satirical swipe or the daft rebuttal. All I feel now is the dull thrum of constant rage. My default setting is now just hatred, settled and flourishing in its purest form.

7

102

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

11 months

Why is there a sleeping DALEK at the Labour Party Conference?

28

12

99

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

Happy birthday to my late Mum, who would have been 71 today. x

4

0

97

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

10 months

That’s nothing. We had Captain Sir Tom Sir Poor Sod having to climb Ben Nevis in a barrel cuz his daughter wanted to update her solarium!

Science girl

@gunsnrosesgirl3

10 months

This time-lapse captures a formation of drones creating a dragon soaring through the skies above Shenzhen, China.

620

10K

77K

3

7

98

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

12 years

Just saw all the young dudes giving an old dude grief for not carrying his news.

12

92

96

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

So happy that Rishi Sunak announced today a museum to Showaddywaddy every 15 miles across the UK.

2

14

93

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

4 years

Boris Johnson is a cunt.

Rick Wright USN Ret.

@RickWrightNow

4 years

Can you write a sentence without using the letter "E"?

28K

937

14K

3

12

90

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

Couldn’t face 50 Years of Mr Men on C4. Not after the rejection letter.

3

17

89

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

4 years

Fuck it. I’m putting the decorations back up.

5

15

89

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World on Film 4. It’s just a perfect film in pitch, wit and tone. An absolute beauty of a film.

10

4

91

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

Today I test drive Poundland’s £1 scent First Man. Top notes: Sage, Monorail and Kidnapping. Bottom notes: Leather, Scepticism and Bailiff. Overall aroma: Online harpoon business.

11

17

86

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

What a skid mark upon the world the UK has become.

3

17

86

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Sometimes when at a loose end, I like to go outside and pretend I am in a Fellini film.

10

3

88

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

9 months

Why didn’t the horses in Dogtanian & the Three Muskehounds get to evolve like all the other animals? Why did they stay on all fours? Why couldn’t they talk? Why? Why? WHY?

Science girl

@gunsnrosesgirl3

9 months

2K

99

1K

9

13

91

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

6 months

Anyone else spend most of their time on here just blocking ads from companies called things like DeThantos or Dawn-Arc who seem to offer fundamental help for things that don’t exist like underwater cat theatres or medical insurance for shadows?

15

11

85

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

3 years

Shepherds Pie flavoured condoms.

Otto Von Jizzmark

@Ottojizzmark

3 years

Name something you might find in Nigel Farage's handbag.

1K

51

250

4

14

85

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

7 months

The horse is the only animal that never evolved anthropomorphic traits in Dogtanian & The Three Muskehounds, condemned to remain held back whilst all the other the animals learnt how to put on shoes or order a fucking omelette in a cafe like regular folk!

Soph ❤️‍🔥

@Sophhcx_

7 months

Tell me something that'll blow my mind 😏

677

279

12K

7

13

87

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

1 year

Went out to buy dinner but came back with a bottle of red and a brass lizard. I can make this work I reckon.

17

2

86

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Shower, Shit and a Shave?

2

6

81

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 years

Might be dehydrated. Urine came out like a game of Tetris.

6

16

76

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

2 months

Exit Poll Champagne!

5

0

79

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

10 months

*opens the breakfast wine*

Sky News

@SkyNews

10 months

BREAKING: Home Secretary Suella Braverman has been sacked by Rishi Sunak. Read more here 🔗

4K

7K

29K

7

4

77

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

9 years

http://t.co/gUYDtQr4MT You try and do something nice, but oh no, people just mock and sneer. Well forget it then.

11

97

76

Paul Litchfield

@MrPLitchfield

7 months

Every chapter somehow ends with the line ‘needless to say, I had the last laugh.’

Liz Truss

@trussliz

7 months

Delighted to unveil the cover for the U.S. edition of my book out on April 16, Ten Years to Save the West: Leading the Revolution Against Globalism, Socialism, and the Liberal Establishment. Pre-order your copy now 👇

5K

476

2K

8

13

79