Sassparilla @Megatronic13 Twitter profile

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Sassparilla

6 years

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread? Priest: yes Me: and he rose from the grave Priest: yes... Me: because of the yeast? Priest: no Me: okay, none of this makes sense

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me* Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate Me: *shyly lifts top* Husband: no

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

11 months

I’m a pet sitter and the client I just met with is clearly a bachelor in his 30s. As he was showing me around, he saw his cat’s toy was broken. He told me not to worry, because he’ll replace the ribbons before he leaves because it’s her fav. Someone have a baby with this man.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Teacher: how should we punish the students? Principal: make them stay home Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment.. Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they'll hate it

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

husband: *mopping up pools of blood from the kitchen floor* me: *walks in* OH MY GOD husband: babe, I can explain- me: you’re cleaning 🥰

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky Vampire: don’t say it like that

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

[swimming pool] Me: but what if there’s a shark in there? Lifeguard: that's impossible Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Guy at party: and that’s how Bitcoin works Me: *nudging my service parrot* Parrot: squawk that’s so interesting that’s so interesting

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

My sweet little baby was born yesterday 😊💖

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Dad: it’s time we had “the talk” Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka Dad: the what? Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles?? Dad: excuse me Me: slaying the vadragon?? Dad: what?!? Me: disappointing the wife Dad: oh sex, right

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Doctor: most of your medical issues could be solved with a healthy diet and exercise Me:

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Today I was walking down an icy snow drift when this guy holds his hand out to me. So I shake his hand, but he doesn’t shake back. You guys, he was trying to help me down so I wouldn’t fall and I responded by shaking his hand like I was president of the snow drift.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Imagine a restaurant called, “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad”. The waiters are dads in their grass stained sneakers and t-shirts. The food on the menu, all puns. ex) a Robert Brownie Jr. And may God have mercy on the souls of those who mess with the thermostat.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

3 yo daughter: I had a bad dream about flamingos. Me: Why was it a bad dream? 3: They we’re not being nice, they were being flaMEANgos. *tilts head back and laughs* I’ve never been so proud in my entire life.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Waiter: would you like a water? Me: ew, gross. Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass? Me: tempting. Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal? Me: [nods] indeed.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

I’ve got 99 problems, and being direct could solve most of them but the idea of confrontation is completely terrifying and makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. Anyways thanks for inviting me to this rap battle, I think it’s going really well.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Husband: did you really just spend thousands of dollars on a fish tank for a single blowfish Me: Husband: Me: David Blowie and I don’t need this kind of negativity in our lives

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Ladies, if he: - is always late - never shaves - eats 10% of his weight a day in plant matter - leaves you every winter for warmer waters He’s not your man, he’s a manatee.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

My kid was upset about being in time-out, so she did the only logical thing her 4-yr old brain could think of, which was to act like a pikachu using a thunder attack on me. Then we stared at each other in silence until she whispered, “nothing is working, she’s too powerful”.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

[1st person to try jogging] Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady? Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure. Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl? Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Quit complaining about jury duty. You’re literally getting excused from work to go judge a stranger. It’s practically the American dream.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Our bodies should lose weight according to the amount of calories we wanted to eat, but didn’t. For example, I wanted to eat 5 pieces of pizza, but I only ate 2. That’s 900 calories I’m cancelling out. Take notes, my thighs.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

I love everything about shark week. Decorating the shark tree, singing shark carols, having the neighbors slam the door in your face for singing the shark carols... it’s magical

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Crazy Customer: You just lost yourself a customer!! Me: Oh no *putting on a party hat* Crazy Customer: I am NEVER coming here again Me: that’s awful *popping a bottle of champagne*

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good Me: am I going to die? Doctor: without treatment, yes Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure? Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Him: when I said I wanted to buy you a drink, this isn’t what I had in mind Me: ok, but if I get a medium slurpee instead of the large, will you buy me the gummy bears too?

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

No man is all 4: 1. Swift as a coursing river 2. Has all the force of a great typhoon 3. Has all the strength of a raging fire 4. Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

[first day selling guns] Me: Have you tried killing them with kindness? Customer: I need 500 rounds of 9mm Me: how bout 500 rounds of applause :) Manager: Megan, a word please?

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars?? Batman: no, not really- Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

2 years

Look at this cute dandelion goblin I needle felted! He’s so handsome.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Looking in the rear view mirror gave me a freaking heart attack today. My daughter’s elephant mask is nightmare fuel and children are just terrifying.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

I had a professor who gave my class personalized horoscopes based on our birth times & location. People were commenting on how crazy accurate the results were until he told that we all had the same copy of Hitler’s horoscope. And that was the day I found my new role model

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Just a quick painting of gengar

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

3 years

I know it might not be a big deal to most people, but I finally got the courage to wear what I want since leaving the Mormon church. Here’s to porn shoulders and not wearing layers in 80 degree weather!

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

New idea. Onesie Pajamas with a butt flap that extends all the way to the front so I never have to take off my clothes for sex again. I call them “Wham! Bam! Thank You, Jams”.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

My 4-yr old just fell off her bike and said, “I fell and it hurt my vagina, but I got right back up.” New motto to live by, ladies.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Check out my version of bulbasaur 😈 What Pokémon should I paint next?

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

“I’m not even kidding you, mom. It was a STICK made out of GLUE.” -my toddler, sounding like a total stoner after using a glue stick for the 1st time.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

🎶It’s the circle of life 🎶 Rafiki: *presents baby Simba* 🎶and it moves us all 🎶 Safari Animals: *cheer and bow* 🎶through despair and hope 🎶 Antelope: MUFASA ATE MY MOM YESTERDAY 🎶through faith and love🎶 Antelope: IT’S COOL, GUYS. JUST KEEP ON SINGING.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Me: *goes out of town for 2 days, comes back to find 6 months of laundry has piled up and the children have now created their own government* Me: what happened?! My husband: don’t be mad, but honestly, I have no idea

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

My daughter was asleep in her carseat and my music was on shuffle when “The Phantom of the Opera” starts blaring. I hurried and changed it so it wouldn’t wake her up, but then I hear, “turn it back on because it’s scary and I like skeletons.” Kids are weird, man.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

I asked my 3yr old where her kidneys were and she pointed to her knees like I was a total moron.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

We need to quit making weddings fun. Let’s make the couple show us they really want to be with each other. First, they have to swim through a sewer. Then, the dinner is at Applebee’s. If they can stand to do that for each other, then it’s love.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

What do people who start small talk in elevators want from us?

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Me: what if penises rolled up like fruit roll-ups whenever guys were turned off? Pharmacist: I meant, do you have any questions regarding your prescription Me: haha nope Pharmacist: next time, don’t wait so long for your refill

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

My 4-yr old was sitting on my lap and she felt the baby kick her in the back. She immediately started crying about the baby kicking her. This baby isn’t even born and they are already fighting. God help me.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Investor: after spending millions of dollars on this investment, I’m so excited to finally see real live dinosaurs Me: *about to dramatically open the gates to Giraffic Park* ...dinosaurs?

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints?? Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Detective: since your wife is missing, we need a sample of her hair for DNA Husband: how about ALL the hair on her pillow case?? Detective: that’s fine- Husband: perhaps the brush she never cleans out??? Detective: uhh- Husband: OR *angrily gestures at the shower drain*

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Satan: I really try to personalize your experience here in hell Me: what do you mean? Satan: for example, you’ll be rooming with two people; one who eats loudly and the other who randomly bursts into song in public Me: OH NO Satan: *hugging me* you aren’t just a number to me

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

[red carpet event] Reporter: tell us about your dress. Me: I only paid $10 dollars for it! Reporter: I meant who was the designer? Me: I dunno, but it has POCKETS!

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

(Improv show) Me: I need a location Audience Member: a house Me: okay, next I need- Audience Member: a house where you don’t mess with the goddamn thermostat Me: *squinting to see* dad??

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Boss: you can’t keep your beta fish at the office anymore Me: it’s actually a- Boss: a Pi Beta Phi fish, I know Me: but- Boss: he literally lives in a bowl of jagermeister and lives off of dorito crumbs. It’s just way too douchy for the office Me: :( bro

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Me: it’s so nice my kid is playing so quietly My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen:

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Check out my reboot of 27 Dresses. I try on 27 dresses while Owen Wilson says “wow” using either approving or disapproving tones

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

If Bowser doesn’t have a cat named Meowser or a dog named Bow-Wowzer, than why are we even keeping the Mario franchise alive?

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

One of the hardest parts of parenting is pretending you like vegetables

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Doctor: with birth control pills, there can be negative side effects like weight gain, increased chance of stroke- Me: are there other options? Doctor: I know a witch who will place a curse on you to render you completely barren Me: ooh let’s do that one

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

One time a guy asked me on a date and told me to wear a low-cut shirt or to not show up at all. So I declined the invite, but I think the thing I regret the most is that I didn’t have enough respect for myself to hire a hitman to strangle the guy to death with a turtleneck.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Me: OMG I love this song Radio: should I play it again Me: okay Radio: fifteen times Me: wait Radio: every hour Me: no Radio: for the next six months

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

How come guys can waste away on the couch for 95% of their lives, but when they hike for the 1st time in 10 years they can run up a mountain carrying a toddler on their backs and not break a sweat. It’s witchcraft I tell you.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Candle scents that I would buy: 1) scholastic book fair 2) lite-brite 3) the fear of my enemies

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

My 3 yr old niece and my 4 yr old were fighting so I went to break it up, and my daughter is crying and says, “she tried to bite me, but I was powerful enough to defeat her.” How do you discipline that??

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Short Person: Omg you’re so tall! I bet you play basketball Me: Omg you’re so short. I bet the guilt you felt after Samwise carried you up Mount Doom must have been excruciatingly painful. 😃

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

My 4-yr old informed me that her favorite animal is a ghost. I told her that ghosts are not animals. She responded, “ghosts used to be human, and humans are animals, so a ghost IS an animal.” Not gonna lie, I really wasn’t ready for that line of reasoning this early.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Me: *pointing gun at husband* Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee* Me: but he does all of the laundry Husband: oh no

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Me: If you read the book “Fight Club”, could you talk about it in book club? Therapist: you are literally my least favorite person on this planet

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Guys, I’m having a baby soon 😊

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Today when I was driving, a raven flew over & dropped a walnut in front of my car. So I carefully drove over the walnut & cracked it open for the little guy. And I’m not saying that I did anything fantastic, but I’m kind of annoyed that I don’t have a raven sidekick after that.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad *walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades* Me: h-how are you smoking??

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

-commercial break- Husband: *silent* -fight scene- Husband: *completely and utterly silent* -quiet dialogue scene- Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

. 👨🏻/ <) ) We are / \ \ 🐺 ( (> Werewolves not / \ 🤬/ <) ) Swearwolves / \

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Everyone always says Walt Disney is their hero, but mine is his wife who was like, “Sure, honey. Let’s risk financial ruin so you can pursue your dream of drawing a mouse. This is fine.”

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Me: Okay, brain. We’re not going to get distracted to- Brain: -DAY-O! Day-a-a-o!!! Me: no, stop Brain: Day! Me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day-a-a-oh... Me: DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANNA GO HOME!!

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

Doctor: you need to stop drinking energy drinks Me: I know but I need the energy Doctor: try switching to coffee, there’s no corn syrup Me: or, perhaps, cocaine? Doctor: what no Me: *already snorting a line* sugar free too

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

How to be a Beautiful Woman: -learn some new make-up skills -use a British accent -wear a dress -and a fat suit -assume a false identity & convince your ex to hire you as your children’s nanny -congratulations, you’re now Mrs. Doubtfire -Flaunt it

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

3 years

I got caught taking a picture of this jeep by its owner and I had to pretend I liked it and now a piece of my soul is dead

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

An animal documentary, but the camera crew is contractually obligated to save all of the cute animals from dying.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

[phone call from jail] Me: so don’t be mad- Husband: you did it again, didn’t you? Me: all I did was sing “Santa Baby” and maybe I gave him a little lap dance Husband: your obsession with seducing the mall Santa is tearing this family apart

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

To the 3% of you who regularly keep up on your laundry, what’s it like to be a sociopath?

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

6 years

Mobster: you’re going to be sleeping with the fishes Me: do fish even sleep? Mobster: omg I don’t know but now I’m curious Me: me too, google it! Mobster: *looking at phone* it says they sleep, but their eyes are open because they don’t have eyelids Me: HA! Gross.

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

[stranded on a desert island] *plane flies over head and drops a letter* Me: omg I’m going to be rescued! *opens letter* we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty Me: Sonofa-

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Sassparilla

@Megatronic13

5 years

My 4 yr-old asked me why the astronauts killed the dinosaurs. She meant asteriod. I’m dying. 😂

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@Megatronic13

1 year

I got this antique desk for FREE of off Facebook marketplace. I’m in love 😍

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@Megatronic13

6 years

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel] Me: are you breaking up with me?! Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple? Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me Demon: why are you this way

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@Megatronic13

6 years

While working at Babies R Us, a lady asked me why a cradle was on clearance & before I could respond, my coworker popped in to say that, “we can’t get anyone to buy it for full price because it used to be Hitler’s cradle” and ended with “it’s not even that haunted.”

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@Megatronic13

6 years

When my lane is ending & the car next to me won’t let me merge & I realize a total stranger would rather me die than slow down 5 mph. Me:

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@Megatronic13

6 years

Me: are there any spirits here who wish to communicate? Ouija Board: W I P E * D O W N * T H E * S H O W E R * Y O U * A N I M A L Me: oh crap, this is a squeegee board

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@Megatronic13

6 years

Him: I’m breaking up with you Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers? Him: yes Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

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@Megatronic13

5 years

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed? Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis Priest: that’s not really- Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese” Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

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@Megatronic13

6 years

Dentist: let me take a quick look at your teeth Me: oh you mean my mouth knives? :) Dentist: I’m not calling them that Me: :(

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@Megatronic13

6 years

Me: since cats are afraid of cucumbers, do you think they’re also afraid of pickles? Cellmate: idk, but if I wake up to you spooning me again, I will end you

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@Megatronic13

6 years

Me: If you wanted to open a Zoo in the Harry Potter universe, you’d have to hire a Zoo Keeper, obviously. But then, would you also have to hire a Zoo Seeker, 3 Zoo Chasers, and 2 Zoo Beaters? J.K. Rowling: how did you get into my house?? Me: just answer the question

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@Megatronic13

6 years

A guy I went to high school with once rode his bike past a car crash, stole a shoe off of a body lying in the street, and then wore that mismatched shoe to school everyday for a year. He just applied at my work. Have fun with that one, HR.

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@Megatronic13

5 years

Belle: do you think I could use a cup that isn’t living? Mrs. Potts: Hahahaha Belle: .... Mrs. Potts: Now kindly drink your tea from my son’s skull.

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@Megatronic13

6 years

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun* Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly* House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest* Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

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