Matt @Matt_Mark2 Twitter profile

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

I thought #thearchers tweet-alongers might appreciate this: my great-grandfather's shop in Keyham, Plymouth circa 1920.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Nicholas Witchell will now be buried alive alongside her majesty, in accordance with tradition.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

Does everyone else mentally add "texture like sun" whenever they hear "Gordon Brown"? #r4today

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 months

Sorry, slight brag, but my degree has arrived in the post! I am going to have a celebratory cup of tea and maybe even a biscuit.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Just walked to the postbox. Saw one of my hens had escaped and was in the road. After a bit of wrangling I managed to catch her and took her home, kicking and screaming. Opened the run to find all mine present and correct. I have no idea whose chicken I've accidentally kidnapped.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

9 months

Lee Anderson and Brendan Clarke-Smith's resignation letter in full.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

7 months

Just got back to my car and found someone has tucked a page ripped from David Copperfield under my windscreen wiper. Have I pissed off some kind of victorian mafia??

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

8 months

@fesshole I'd have left a review saying they mocked an autistic child.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

My 3 year old nephew chose a birthday present for me. He got me a ball of twine. My sister rather apologetically said that she tried to persuade him to get something else but he was absolutely insistent and thought I'd really like it. It's my favourite present.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Right. We have between 50 and 70 native tree species in the UK, depending on how you define native and species. I have collated them and made a definitive list of 55, which, because it's a bank holiday and I'm unavoid stuff, I will now rank from worst to best. Strap in!

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

@BorisJohnson

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

@fesshole My wife just asks me to get her water and I do. I feel cheated now.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Does anyone else hear 'Istanbul' and mentally add 'not Constantinople', or is it just me?

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 months

My sister just messaged saying not to bother trying to contact our parents because mum threw both their phones in a canal. Another perfectly normal conversation with my family.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

8 months

@fesshole You shouldn't have a dog.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 months

@anon_opin Opening scene. A laboratory. A man sits at a microscope wearing a lab coat. He looks up from his work and turns to a colleague. Scientist 1: Nope. Can't be done. Not enough dinosaur DNA in this mosquito. Scientist 2: Righto. Pub? The End

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

4 days

I've met the worse person in the world. I'm at a gig and there's a woman here who has brought a tambourine. I can't recall a time when I've hated someone so much.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

Speaking of peak Britishness, I have some people coming over for afternoon tea.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

@herjohansson @NoContextBrits It's the research that went into this that I really appreciate.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

7 months

As it's Good Friday, here's a photo of some hot cross buns I made.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

It's a worrying development that Covid has made the leap from humans to whatever the fuck form of bacterial life Laurence Fox is.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

There's a cow outside my office window. This wouldn't be odd were it not for the fact that my office is on an industrial estate.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

In a dull Zoom meeting. Turned my camera off so no-one can see me making a tableau of ritual jelly baby sacrifice.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

11 months

Honest to christ, what is it with far right lunatics and terrible hair? #JavierMilei

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

5 months

@ActualNames1

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

@fesshole Why the fuck would you invite friends to a proposal?!

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

For balance, can the BBC please interview someone who denies the death of Nigel Lawson? #R4Today

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

Me: Where's our bin? Bob Dylan: The answer, my friend...

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

8 months

Found this awesome fat old veteran oak. 2.1m diameter, which is 6.5m circumference by my maths.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

@fesshole This is one of the strangest things I've ever read.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

7 months

Dug a pond last summer and I am excited to report that we have newts.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Many who follow me will be aware that our old dog Rosie has been waning recently. Sadly we had to have her put to sleep today. She was stubborn and disobedient and we loved her dearly. She brought us 13 years of frustration and happiness and our lives will be emptier without her.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

So there you go. And just a reminder, if you disagree with anything I've included or excluded, the order I've put them in, or anything else, keep it to yourself because I do not care.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

@fesshole Fixed.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

It's so difficult, when listening to #TheArchers , to decide which character I most want to drop a grand piano off a building onto.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

7 months

@BladeoftheS Also, I don't think that anyone who can't make ends meet on upwards of £80k a year should be allowed to manage the economy.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

I swear to fucking christ, if they don't shut the fuck up about Lark Rise to fucking Candleford I will burn something to the ground. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

I am blessed with an extremely lengthy aubergine.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Interviewer: How would your friends describe you? Me: *panics* Er... hairy...?

Diji The Great.

@dijiaderogba

2 years

~ How did you know you weren’t going to get the job during your job interview? Share your story 😂

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

8 months

Just finished a tin of golden syrup. Should I keep this and auction it off?

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

I fear this old girl might not be with us much longer. It's heartbreaking watching her deteriorate and not being able to do anything. Back to the vet tomorrow to see what if anything else can be done, but until then we're just trying to make her comfortable.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

@anon_opin "Buying some beer, I see. Having a drink this evening?" "Nah, I'm hoping to have a party next year so I'm starting saving now."

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

Is there a helpline available for people affected by lark rise to candleford? #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

I really, really want Fallon to open a successful rival cafe and Bridge Farm to fail miserably. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

I refuse to believe that Vince is handsome. In my head he looks like a crumpled, overwight ugg boot with a bright red face, poured into a pin strip suit. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Not sure what it is about me that gives off a twiney vibe to children, but hey ho.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

6 months

Got some new hens and made the mistake of letting my nephew name them. Anyway, meet Milk, Poo, and Banana.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

@davemacladd I hated Rishi Sunak before it was cool.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

We've had toasters for nearly 130 years. Why then, has no one ever thought to build a toaster which is DEEP ENOUGH TO PUT A WHOLE PIECE OF BLOODY BREAD IN?!

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

@anon_opin I don't think 'consonant' means what you think it does.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

5 months

Many of you will be aware that I am something of a weirdo magnet. Well this morning, in what I think is probably a personal best, a random stranger has given me an old cow bell.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

6 months

I think what really pisses me off about this story is that Ed and Em are exactly the sort of bellends that bring the industry into disrepute. The idea that you can do a 4 week course and be a tree surgeon is bullshit. It's a skilled job which takes years of experience #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Offered an old lady a lift because her bus hadn't turned up then spent 20 minutes listening to her gripe about it being immigrants' fault. No good deed goes unpunished...

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

Strange turn of events this morning: a magpie just flew over and dropped a mangled rabbit's head on me. I assume it was some sort of witchcraft and I'm cursed for ever more.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

My wife thinks it's hilarious that I say please and thank you to Alexa, but she won't be laughing when my life is spared come the robot uprising.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

Morning. I've just had some bad news. My nan, Pam, has died. It wasn't unexpected, she was 90. She was a wonderful woman. Unremarkable in many ways. The sort of woman we don't celebrate. I'd like to correct that and take a moment to tell you a bit about her, if you'll humour me.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 month

New Robert is such a twat. I wish they'd killed him rather than completely changing the character for no reason. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

"Hi, Pip, how are you?" "I'm lark fine rise thanks. How to are Candleford you?" "I'm lark rise fine to Candleford too." "Lark rise to Candleford." "Lark rise to Candleford?" "Lark rise to Candleford." "LAAAAARRRK RIIIISSSEE TO CAAAANNDLEFORRRD!" #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

Quick reminder: today is the last opportunity to put your sprouts on so they're ready in time for christmas day.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

1. European Beech (Fagus sylvatica) So here it is: my favourite tree. The mighty beech. So majestic, so beautiful with their smooth bark and spreading crowns. An awesome, towering tree.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

My extremely clever, talented wife has just finished making this dress.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

I HAVE CHANGED THE CLOCK IN THE VAN, BOW TO ME FOR I AM YOUR GOD

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

6 months

So no one actually *saw* Rochelle? #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

Just turned on the radio and heard someone say with a genuinely hard done by tone "it wasn't until I was 10 that I got my first pony." This is peak Radio 4.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 month

Hang on, Emma, they're not prosecuting Will. Maybe don't celebrate til you've checked the post? #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

@GarveyMarcel @fesshole Also that would imply he finds himself shitting arousing.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

EVERYONE I HAVE DONE A THING: Look at this corn I've grown!

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

Anyone else praying George is eaten by pigs on his first day? #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

At this point I feel like we're only a day away from the SWs banging on my door at dawn and yelling "HAVE YOU READ LARK RISE TO CANDLEFORD" in my face. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

6 months

Harrison will be desperate for a baby now. Fallon will say no, and they'll split up. Then he can move to a remote island and be a vicar, and she can go back to being an interesting character with hopes and dreams and friends. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Don't want to brag, guys, but I just finished a bag of supermarket salad *before* it turned into a green puddle in the bottom of the fridge.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

How exactly is selling Grange Farm a way of raising money quickly? He has to give the Grundys notice, fix everything they've broken, find a buyer, all the conveyancing, solicitors, mortgages... that's going to take months! #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

My neighbour asked if I wanted to borrow some pesticide to get rid of my 'weeds'. I politely explained that I was leaving them because they're very pretty and great for biodiversity. He just gave me a look. As luck would have it though, I don't give a fuck about his opinion.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

@Bren4Bassetlaw @BBCPolitics I don't see why the poor don't just claim food on expenses.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

11 months

Working from home. Heard a noise from the other room and went to investigate, only to have a cat jump out at me. Now those of you who have cats will know that this can be scary when you don't expect it. Let me tell you, it's really terrifying if, like me, you don't own a cat.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

I am moving house today. That doesn't stress me out too much. What is stressing me is the family and friends who are 'helping'.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

10 months

The mild weather means that our chickens have sprouted early this year. It will be a fine egg harvest.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

As we walked home from the pub my wife suddenly exclaimed "fucking look at the stars! There's fuck loads of the cunts!" It's like being married to Brian Cox.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

10 months

"Hi, is that Geoff? I've got an aunt I want to get rid of..."

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

Oh there's suddenly a fucking canal, is there? #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

@PeopleOfUK Not sure if this counts as graffiti, but the old signs for Plymouth used to say "Plymouth Spirit of Discovery" until someone peeled a few letters off.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

Currently trying to subtly follow a woman round Tesco because I want to hear the payoff of the story she's telling someone about her mate who's dating two identical twins simultaneously.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

It's been 40 years, it's about time Clarrie snapped and went on a killing spree. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

@fesshole That'll learn him. How dare harmless people act in a manner that in no way inconveniences you but which you find very slightly annoying. You've struck a powerful blow against individualism!

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Colleague has made a wreath for the office door. I find it vaguely threatening.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 months

Went into Lidl for biscuits and come out with a water butt.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

11 months

Deep snow drifts in Cornwall this morning. Very nearly 1mm thick in places.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 months

I harvested my garlic today and I would like to say to Azra: it's on. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

Potentially controversial opinion: I think it's time they stopped making bake off.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

8 months

As Jolene pops round to ask Lynda if she has a B&B room available, I once again find myself wondering if anyone in Ambridge owns a phone. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

3. English Oak (Quercus robur) One of the real big hitters of the tree world. These beautiful fuckers can support over 1000 species of birds, insects, and mammals, and hundreds of plants and fungi. A truly magnificent tree.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

How the fuck has it only just occurred to them that Ian might buy mozzarella?? #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

Why is Neil the only one that sees that George is a fucking pyscho? #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

2 years

@fesshole Putting aside that this person has clearly never taken MDMA, I live in Cornwall and when you consider that today's newspaper headline was that someone had found an old wedding photo they thought they'd lost, I feel like this might have made the news if it were true.

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

Pip: Do you have any tickets for the ball? It's for me and Stella. We're going together. As a couple. I'm a lesbian now. Have I mentioned? #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 years

It's only natural after a brush with death to want to spend your twilight years surrounded by people who hate you. #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 year

Message from my sister: "Hey Matty, thanks for having the kids. Asked them what they'd done and they were very excited about seeing a cow having a poo." Little sods! We did loads of stuff and that's the thing they remember?!

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

3 months

"Is it only adultery when one is married?" "I don't know, what did you call it when you fucked your husband's brother?" #TheArchers

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Matt

@Matt_Mark2

1 month

Why the fuck does Jazzer suddenly give a fuck about the fucking competition, having not even checked there's a fucking category for stolen sunflowers? I am THIS CLOSE to smashing my radio. #TheArchers

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