Mariya Alexander @MariyaAlexander Twitter profile

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

1 year

The real conspiracy

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Last Seen Profiles

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Snoring is so messed up like someone is basically having trouble breathing and instead of helping them you’ll be like FUCK YOU

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

As an adult you are only allowed to have two kinds of friends: unhinged or boring

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

2 years

My grandpa got a new phone and sent me a selfie, please clap

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

10 months

Rizz? You mean the old razzle dazzle???

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

I am a strong conservative woman and if you even THINK about raising my wages or making me cum I will have you arrested

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

The one fully nude person in the sauna

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

If I owned the wardrobe from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe I would simply not get involved in any drama and just use Narnia as extra closet space

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

9 years

Dream date: two men get into a fight over me and both die

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Microdosing every single thing in life by having ADHD

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

11 years

If a guy says he's gonna treat you like a queen, make sure you ask which queen because motherfuckers loved beheading queens back in the day.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

My apocalypse survival plan is to die immediately

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Men during sex: yeah you’re a slut tell me all about what a little slut you are you slut 😍 Men at all other times: WHY DID YOU JUST SMILE AT THAT MASCULINE TREE 😠

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

Congratulations to everyone who is stupid and bad, this is really your time to shine.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

How do evil people have so much energy

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

I am a 33-year-old woman with the butt of a 25-year-old woman and the mind of a 478-year-old haunted tree

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Inside you are two wolves. Pretty boring. Inside ME are SEVERAL wolves. Now THAT's a number of wolves we can get excited about.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

Shocking to hear that a man who is best known for shouting his own name in songs isn't a generous lover

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Anti-vaxxers being worried about getting cognitive problems is literally the funniest thing in the world

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

What if the vaccine makes everyone fall in love with me

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Look on the bright side: people you hate are having a bad time too

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Might fuck around and disappear in an idyllic little village only to discover that everyone has their terrible secrets and true love doesn’t wait

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

2 years

I went to a bridal shower today and they had a taco stand and someone got bit by a dog, 10 out of 10

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Men what’s stopping you from looking like this

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

If we don't flatten the curve and get this thing under control the sheer number of new podcasts is going to destroy civilization as we know it

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Me: I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m a mid-night toker Pharmacist: ok you qualify for the vaccine

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

I am not joyless I have had as many as 6 whole joys

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

Both sides are bad ok, like on the right people are actively trying to kill everyone who isn’t rich and on the left people can be kinda nitpicky about language.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

I'm not in a bad mood, I'm just smart.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

7 years

What if we started a new political party that wasn’t about The Left or The Right but about not being a Fucking Idiot and not being a Douche

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

I was having dinner outside and a very good dog walked by without stopping and feeling heartbroken I exclaimed “no come back!” and the dog owner turned around and said “you want to say hi? Ok!” and brought the very good dog back to kiss me, with each day my powers grow stronger

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Dear women in your 20’s: that popular older man comedian/podcaster you all have a crush on is bad in bed

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

To all the people acting extra racist because they're mad that they've been labeled as racist: you sure showed us

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

*covers thighs in powdered sugar like an Olympic gymnast*

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Find you someone who loves you as completely and unconditionally as Judge Schroeder loves Kyle Rittenhouse

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Just mensutruated a blood clot so big Mike Pence tried to give it a funeral

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

I too am a product of childhood trauma and neglect and I demand to be made President immediately

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

[sexting] Him: so what kind of noises do you make Me: my hips make this eerie creaking sound like a haunted house, it’s pretty sweet

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Normalize bursting into tears at the sheer absurdity of existence

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Compiling a list of everyone who has posted pics at a restaurant during the pandemic, the list heading is Do Not Fuck:

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

How #DemsInPhilly can do better than the RNC: -believe in science -no death threats against opponents -ACTUAL celebrities -no Chris Christie

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

2 years

Pullout couch implies the existence of couch that cums in you

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

7 years

I just watched the trailer for the new Jumanji and it's so awful I can't help but think that Russia is behind that too

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

7 years

I just spent 5 minutes on Reddit & am now convinced Hillary Clinton is both a weak, sickly old woman AND an inter-dimensional killer android

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

7 years

You know your dick is super weird if someone is willing to return $130K to be able to talk about it

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

I can't be in a nuclear world war, I'm an introvert

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

*local government poisons town* Congress: lol boys will be boys *Facebook doesn't post enough racist news* Congress: WE MUST INVESTIGATE

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

9 years

A burrito would never tell me I should smile more

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

7 years

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

7 years

Don't forget to call your representatives and tell them you hope they fucking die too

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Favorite things to say during sex: -thanks for reaching out -hope your week is going well -what is this regarding?

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

Were people in the 80's mad when they finally hooked up w/ their crush & took off their clothes & realized they had normal sized shoulders

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Million dollar idea: people but not bad and stupid

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

My favorite thing about making fun of Donald Trump is that it's still legal

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

2 years

My house guest slept in until 10 am and at one point I sincerely checked to make sure she wasn’t dead because I’ve never seen an adult do that before

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

I enjoy crying but I have to admit it will be hard to keep it up for four years straight

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

12 years

If you can't handle me at my worst, you and I have a lot in common.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

First thing you see when you get to hell

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

They’re going to Weekend at Bernie’s the president aren’t they

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

This is Dasha. When I adopted her ages ago I came for another cat but she happened to be out of her cage & she walked straight to me and climbed into my arms and I never put her down. She died today & I am crushed. She was an angel and she would want you to wear your damn masks.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

There is no way that eating the rich doesn’t give you diarrhea

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

Porn titles are getting so specific these days

Newsweek

@Newsweek

6 years

Is Rudy Giuliani a leaker? Trump's lawyer fingered by James Comey

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

9 years

Someone design a first person video game where you drive safely and never shoot anyone and get extra points for voting in a local election

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

9 years

Why don't men ever think to do helpful catcalls like "YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK - CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!"

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

@SmartAF_ Oh I’m the one saying “fuck you” in this tweet 😅

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Get in loser we’re going back to bed

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

If you’re a cop or in love with me you are legally required to tell me

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Sephora just sent me a more thought out and reassuring message about Covid-19 than the president of the United States

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Attention conservatives: I’m going to get in trouble with my deep state Antifa overlords for telling you this but the coronavirus can turn you gay. That’s what the G in 5G stands for. 5 times gay. Wearing a mask is the only thing that can stop the spread (of gayness).

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

Every RSVP card should come with a "not if that stupid idiot I hate is there" option

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

Me: *looks forward to something* Reality: you fucking idiot

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

I don’t miss doing standup I miss being introduced to a group of strangers as a female

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Might fuck around and strategically leverage the latest technology to optimize performance in today’s rapidly evolving business environment

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Do not fuck with me I will befriend your mom

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

A random guy from high school messaged me on Facebook to tell me I’m funny, then demanded to know what my best joke is, then requested I write a joke about herpes because “sex sells”, then emphatically insisted that he definitely doesn’t have herpes. Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

My only current hobby and passion is tracking packages

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Things have gotten so bad I am no longer consoled by being hot

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Tip for taking good nudes: be attractive

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

How regular people smile vs. how Republicans smile

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Everything happens for a reason. That reason is stupidity.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

9 years

*deflects a compliment with grotesque self-deprecation like a lady*

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Sorry your boyfriend's entire personality is "really likes The Boondock Saints"

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Longing for human contact while being absolutely disgusted with humanity is a wild ride

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

2 years

What’s with people asking me gotcha questions like ��how are you” and “what’s new”

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

7 years

Every “conservative millennial” looks at least 45

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Are you experiencing another Monday morning after repeatedly thinking to yourself “no please not again”? You may be entitled to compensation.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

10 years

Let's blow this Popsicle stand. Let's finger this taco cart. Let's try butt stuff with this gum ball machine.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Shout out to all the dogs out there having to pee and poo in this miserable rain, my thoughts are with you brave heroes

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

I am screaming

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Is there anything on this planet more horrifying than being a woman who is not that young

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

7 years

Believe women, except Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

7 years

"I always considered myself a liberal but then I noticed that sometimes some liberals can be kind of annoying about some things so I decided I don't want clean air and water or reproductive rights anymore, I AM A PROUD CONSERVATIVE NOW TO OWN THE LIBS." -too many fucking idiots

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

6 years

If you are a successful woman and someone ever refers to you as “foulmouthed” the only correct response is “fucking right, my good bitch”

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

4 years

Imagine being a barely literate angry 50-year-old with IBS and an enlarged prostate and calling yourself a “proud boy”

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Jesus, and I cannot stress this enough, fucking Christ

The Daily Edge

@TheDailyEdge

3 years

Why are all the vaccinated people going around with spoons attached to their faces? Just asking the question.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

5 years

Inspirational: whether you’re a big fish in a small pond or a little fish in a big pond, you are full of mercury and plastic and someone is going to eat you.

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

3 years

Something I am taking away from this whole mess is that when we see a weird little creep riding horsies shirtless and making everyone watch him do his little karate the whole world needs to intervene and send him to a psych ward instead of letting him be the dictator of a country

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

If there was a god he'd impregnate everyone at the March For Life with gay immigrant babies, yes even the men, ESPECIALLY the men

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

2 years

Sorry to get so political but I do find myself wishing for the onslaught of horrors to stop

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Mariya Alexander

@MariyaAlexander

8 years

Guy in line behind me at the grocery store: *doesn't put divider between our items* Me: I have a boyfriend

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