A show that’s been centuries in the making... The Grimace Half Hour Power Hour is LIVE this Saturday 🎺
8/31 @ 10:30pm
Featuring
@kathylasagna
@Guywiththestuff
LJ Sullivan,
@CodonColganite
& MORE
Tickets are only $5 for a night of terrifying riffs 🔮
The US military sent 354,000 mentally unfit troops into Vietnam that had previously been rejected for service & you expect me to not use my credit card when I buy groceries because I feel like it’s “free groceries”? I’m sorry hoss I don’t see the connection either but ur canceled
*me returning home to the boys after leaving the bar with a particularly hot piece of work*
Jon (my best friend): Well.. tell us everything..
Me (wearing my entire clothes inside out): Well.. one scat thing led to another..😏
Jon: Holy shit.. you bagged Scatman?
Me: 🚬😏
Had a guy do a 9 minute set before my spot at the open mic about how he lost his leg in an accident and it’s been really hard on his family. Before tonight, I never knew that’s what I wanted before every single one of my sets. The beeps were a godsent release
One time I was tripping face on mushrooms in Manny’s bathroom and I peed all over the floor on accident cuz I didn’t know how dicks worked and someone saw it and started yelling at this kid accusing him and the noise was so loud and scary it made me yell and blame the kid too
8 years ago I finally said I’d had enough of the bachelor lifestyle, I was sick of conquering a new woman every night & ending up with a cold pillow beside mine. I’ve never been prouder to look at my wife & son today & say “Happy holidays to the ones that really matter” ❤️
I was having a bit of a smoke outside & I remembered airdrop was a thing so I sent this to a random person who happened to be arguing with his girlfriend & he just drops the fight, if only for a moment, & said “WHO SENT ME THE THUMB?? WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS SENT ME THIS THUMB!”
This is the exact thing I will be doing from dusk till dawn when I get back on the bottle.
Just straight snozzling up rye whisky and teaching pigs to walk like a motherfucker.
Obviously I went to college with a bunch of good ole boys and one time this dude buying weed from my friend overheard me saying 9/11 was an inside job (laugh it up) so he pulls me aside & says “Hey bro. You ever say some shit like that in public again and I’ll beat you senseless”
Some guy recognized me in a bar last night and came up to me and said “Hey man, I really appreciated that butt potty stuff you said the other night” like really sincerely
I get it, I’m off the sauce. If Facebook and Twitter keep sending me sponsored recovery content I’m gunna jump off the fucking wagon to get away from these nerds. Ain’t nobody want to hear how good of a father you are since you stopped doing air duster
I just realized that I literally pay $15 a month for HBO on the off chance that I rewatch True Detective season one again
It’s basically just me subscribing to the religion of Rust Cohle’s ramblings for $180 a year
Just for a gauge on how blisteringly white my girlfriend is: I just walked in on her sitting with a whole bowl of milk filled to the brim (at first glance I thought she was eating spoon milk) only to learn she puts her Frosted Mini Wheats in 2 at a time so the icing doesn’t melt
I want to go into one of those escape rooms, barricade all the fake treasure chests and shit against the door, light up a Marlboro Red, and turn the tides in the favor of mayhem.
Now THEY can’t escape me choosing to not escape the escape room.
Kat was cooking eggs and I heard her yell “Fruit Rollups for breakfast!” which is normally great news around our house but then she fucking GUNNED a Fruit Rollup when I was at a disadvantage and rocked me right in the temple. Absolute flamethrower of an arm.
My dad is 45, pursuing a modeling career, and I’ve never seen him happier. He told me he’s just waiting for a chance to blow up. So, Twitter, meet my dad. Do your thing.
Just had a crowd straight up not cheer after I sung Highwayman, in full, to the best of my god-fearing abilities.
Sometimes you just sit there and wish McCarthyism never died
Me: I think my biggest weakness is that I can’t physically fit enough Alpha Brain in my stomach to make me impervious to toxins.
Army Recruiter: How did you get this number?
*shows up on parent’s doorstep with a shouldered knapsack thrown over a walking stick and a Kroger bag full of WiFi routers, facial hair in tatters and eyes bloodshot from the days-long journey*