Lisabug @Lisabug74 Twitter profile

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Lisabug

12 years

One of the simplest, yet tastiest, ways to boost the protein content of your diet, is to stir in a bag of peanut M&Ms into your coffee.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

10 years

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

My husband ate all the cookies and called it a snacksccident. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

13 years

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

You know they make the blenders loud so you can’t hear the fruit screaming.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

13 years

I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

The dinosaurs died for our sins.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

I'm holding my life together with duct tape and anxiety meds. You?

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

Select all. Delete history. Allow yourself to be loved again.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

Anything that isn't about elephants is irrelephant.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

13 years

I'm always conservative on a first date. Dinner, kiss on the cheek good night, and side saddle reverse cowboy.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

My dad is Mexican and my mom is Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

7 years

"My mind is melting, man." - Woodstock "My mom dropped me off" - Coachella

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

13 years

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like: "Be kind to others, Evil Lisa"

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

13 years

My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

8 years

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you're not a robot.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

CDC: "Wash your hands!" OCD: "Amateurs!"

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

I've been so horny as of lately that I now carry, "Caution Wet Floor," signs everywhere I go.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

7 years

Alexa, avenge my death.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

I’ll take, “Is it allergies or Covid-19?” for $200, Alex.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

Well you have to admit he’s right on this one. If you inject disinfectant, you won’t die of Covid-19.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

7 years

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

8 years

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

Why do men constantly bring up their wife when we flirt? When I'm good and ready, I will ask for a threesome.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I'm always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

I’m a honey bee in the streets and a murder hornet in the sheets.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 months

My weighted blanket won't let me join your morning hike.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

People afraid of Santa Claus are Claustrophobic. The unfollow button is↗

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

I put on clown makeup so I appear friendly as I watch you sleep.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

What wine pairs with Arby’s cheddar roast beef?

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

13 years

Don't get it twisted, I'm DTF. I just require sexy flirting and poor response time to my texts to make me really want you.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

11 years

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

7 years

"I want you to read my poetry" she threatened.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

One day Depeche Mode will be the background song for an AARP commercial.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

Why waste your money on a vasectomy? Wear crocs instead.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

11 years

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

I’m gonna sue those Girl Scouts. After 3 boxes, I’m neither thin nor minty.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

7 years

Silence of the Lambs taught me a lot about wine pairings.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

You down with O.C.D.? Yeah 1,2. 1,2,3. 1,2. 1,2,3.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

11 years

Googles, "gluten free." WebMd Results, "everyone hates you."

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

9 years

Cheese: Will you marry me? Me: I queso.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

2 years

Later on HGTV, we’ll turn a linen closet into an affordable sex dungeon.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

13 years

I want to marry an Asian man so his mom can do my laundry.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

8 years

"Have you tried eating?" - me as a therapist

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I'm going on four years now since my last gym session.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

9 years

I'm always one laugh ahead of a mental breakdown.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

i’m so ready for the season finale of 2020. After that, I’m going to cancel my subscription.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

*smells jar of peanut butter like a wine connoisseur*

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

13 years

Me: Guess what? I have 1291 followers. Mom: How long did it take you to make 1290 Twitter accounts? Me: A few hours. Mom: Still single huh?

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

12 years

Morgan Freeman narrated my trip and fall down the stairs.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

Waffles are actually pancakes that pressed their face on a chain link fence.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

I've been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I'm now a top seller on Etsy.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

3 years

The guy who yelled, “Burn in hell!” flung poo at my house and emotionally crumbled after we broke up thirty years ago ‘friend requested’ me today.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

10 signs that he's just not that into you 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. He is a cat.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

I wonder how my life would’ve turned out if I made that left turn in Albuquerque.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

7 years

My stripper name is Cheesecake Factory.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

Jesus would probably wear skinny jeans and drink kombucha.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

You know they made the chainsaw loud so you can’t hear the tree screaming.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

2 years

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

The McRib for when you hate yourself for a limited time only.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

*gestures to 11 cats* Me and my gang would like a table for 12.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

I didn’t watch Tiger King on Netflix; I’m going to hold off until Tiger King the musical.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

Welp looks like another chocolate cake tripped and fell into my mouth.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

I don't know why I can't lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

7 years

Chocolate cake doesn't care if I'm likable.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

I don’t care what they say, chocolate cake is a feeling.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

*yells from the back of an ambulance* "Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!"

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

The way to a man’s heart is sawing through the sternum.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

Is there a rehab out there that doesn't require an addiction? I’d love to relax and journal for 28 days.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

This chloroform smells expensiv...

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

What time will the Easter candy be discounted? CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet. Ok. I’ll call back later.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

11 years

I'm sick of my awesome personality ruining lives and children's parties.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

The saxophone solo in George Michael's "Careless Whisper" would've been more sensual with a kazoo.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

A Pop-Tart is a Hot Pocket that decided to become a stripper to help pay for college.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

*hears dogs bark* “I've been caught stealing once when I was 5.”

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

Grandma got her first vaccine, but I forgot to take a picture, so we’re standing in line to get her another.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

11 years

The exciting part of a Craigslist date is remembering where I left my car after being held against my will for 3 days.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

I’m an outdoorsy gal if you count microwaving a bean burrito with the patio door open.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

5 years

My grandma made homemade tortillas for us. We asked she write the recipe down. - Add flour. Look at the bowl. - Add water. Mix. Look again. - Pinch of salt - Add Crisco or Manteca. Listen to the bowl. Look again. Flatten tortillas and put in the iron skillet

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

9 years

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

6 years

You can tell how hot you are by what your date orders: - beer - you’re an 8 - vodka - you’re a 7 - tequila - you’re a 1 - water - you’re a 10

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

8 years

My belly fat hangs so low that it has a Tumblr filled with sad poetry.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

10 years

This too shall pass me the vodka.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

13 years

I walked out of the womb with a lit cigarette and a black cup of coffee.

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

What wine pairs with a sense of impending doom?

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Lisabug

@Lisabug74

4 years

"I want you to read my poetry," she threatened.

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