Lisa Lampanelli @LisaLampanelli Twitter profile

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

3 years

My podcast, Losers with a Dream, is now dropping every TUESDAY! Now, enjoy THIS!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

2 years

The bad news: Failed Hot Girl Summer for 61 years in a row. The good news: Settling nicely into Old Cunt Fall.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

6 years

I can’t thank everyone at the @sternshow enough for 1 of the best days ever! Howard has the biggest heart in the world!

Stern Show

@sternshow

6 years

The Queen of Mean @LisaLampanelli announced her retirement from stand-up comedy before participating in her final roast on the #SternShow Watch more in the #Howard section of the @SIRIUSXM app:

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

6 years

Still reeling with happiness and thanks over my appearance on The Howard Stern Show 48 hours ago! How I ever got this lucky, I’ll never know. Thank you, Howard Stern, for being the King of Kindness!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

4 years

To all you fence-sitters out there! People are allowed to grow, evolve & change. I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long! #BlacklivesMatter

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

I love that @TheEllenShow just said Idina's name twice so that she got some credit! Fuckin' Travolta can't read a cue card?!? WTF?

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

JWoww announces she is pregnant. Great news! I hope people will finally take her & Snooki more seriously now. #thingsnobodyeversaid

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

Hands-down most entertaining Oscars host in YEARS! Bravo -- and hope to see you do it again next year, @jimmykimmel #NailedIt

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

I'm so happy for Matthew McConaughey! He lost 38 lbs to win an Academy Award. I lost 107 so I wouldn’t be a fat cunt! #Oscars2014

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

6 years

Within 10 minutes, one fan on the street said “you look greatl and the other one said “why’d you lose weight? I think that gives me license to eat!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Did he just call her "Adele Dazi"? WTF?!?

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

6 years

Awesome bumping into @FINALLEVEL at @siriusxm - long live the Flavor Flav roasters!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Now THAT'S singing, Adele Dazi!!! WERK!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

I hate people who say, "Find something that feels as good as food tastes." Other than heroin & Netflix, it don't exist. Got any ideas, pals?

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Britney Spears to earn $15mil a year for Vegas residency. If they wanna waste money on a former fat chick who can’t sing they could hire ME!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

I love that Liza Minnelli had to horn in on Lupita's win. It ain't about you, Liza!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Congrats to Kim Kardashian & Kanye West on the birth of their baby girl. Much like Mom, the baby is already famous for absolutely no reason!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

I can understand why that NYPD officer slapped Amanda Bynes' vagina. The ones she’s been getting on the wrist don’t seem to be working!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Miley Cyrus wanted to make “history” at the VMAs. If by “history” she means “a real cunt out of herself,” she’s right!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

9 years

The Supreme Court got it right!!! Congratulations to all of America & to everyone who loves in the gay community!!! So proud of my country!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Miley Cyrus admits she wanted 2 make history at VMAs. She didn’t invent friggin electricity -she jerked off with a foam finger! #NotHistoric

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

My boyfriend Leonardo DeCaprio just gave Matthew M. the ol' "You need it more than I need it" hug.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

10 years

ALWAYS behind some dick who never used an ATM when I’m late! Dude was poking at the buttons like he was finger-banging his date at the prom!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Thank god for Whoopi & Pink! Lending at least a semi-cool vibe to this segment. I love that Whoopi is herself NO MATTER WHAT!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Poor Matthew McConnaughey - WTF? He has to deal with this crazy fuck!!!!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

Hey @DarrenCriss - soooo amazeballs to meet u @fox5ny today. Can't wait to see u at #StuffedPlay @WPTheater

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Miley Cyrus says she was Lil’ Kim in a past life. Sexually aggressive? Foul language? If anyone was Lil’ Kim in a past life it’s ME!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

Titus, you made my wait in baggage claim sooo much better. Love ya, pal!! @christitus

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

7 years

So honored that @NYTimes asked me to write an Op-Ed piece on my hero @DonRickles . I hope you enjoy it:

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

I LOVE you guys! Thank you so much for a great talk this am!! RT @heidiandfrank #heidiandfrank right now. #955klos http://t.co/VfwFiefXT0

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Penn State won't take down Joe Paterno statue. They should at least move it to the library -- to remind people to KEEP QUIET at all times!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Amanda Bynes tweets that she wants Drake to murder her vagina. If she wants to get fucked by Drake, she should just buy one of his albums!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Fuckin' Catalina wine mixer!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

6 years

Farewell to 2018!! In 2019, I’m gonna continue to say “don’t stop me now!” Thanks, Queen! (Btw my family completely ignoring me is my favorite part of this truly awful dance!)

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Khloe Kardashian tweets she wishes she was made of steel. Good thing she's not made of glass -- Lamar would use her as a crack pipe!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Dealer claims Lamar Odom spent $50k on coke in 3 years. That white stuff will ruin your life. And by "white stuff," I mean The Kardashians.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

OH MY GOD! DID HE JUST SAY HE'S HIS OWN HERO?!? Someone explain this to me.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

7 years

Warmth of heart, lovability & a twinkle in the eye - @DonRickles knew how to do it BEST. Condolences to his family & continuing love always

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Leonardo is the greatest! Like my first tweet of the night said he is the true gentleman of the business!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

If you don't look like this after a run, u'r not doin it right! #UglyIsBeautiful

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

New app claims it cures gayness in 60 days. If there’s one that cures being a shithead, please send it to the gay app creator! #idiots

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Courtney Love was "celibate" for 2 years? Can u really say you were “celibate” if there was just 2 years where nobody wanted to fuck you?

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Snowed in Canada this morning. Last time I woke up to 3 inches I was dating my Jew agent!! #InsultComicSoSuckIt

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

Happy 4th from me & the most patriotic dog ever! Btw Parker wants to know who he should vote for. Help!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Obviously joking about wanting to be on "The View." I'd rather punch myself in the cunt repeatedly than be on that show. Kill me first!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

10 years

Happy Easter & 4/20! Stoners worldwide forgetting where they hid their eggs, will find again around Labor Day!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Oh, well! Sad that Jackass didn't win for Makeup, but glad Honey Boo Boo's mom did.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Obama calls Romney a “bullshitter” in new Rolling Stone interview. I'll give $5 million to charity if he calls Ann Coulter a “cunt" too!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Oh, Christ! The song played at every funeral everywhere. Let it go.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

10 years

What a great workout I had today! I was sweatin’ like James Franco at a high school prom! #accidentalpedophile

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

I'm not sayin' a fuckin' word about these two.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Damn! You beyotches is HOT!! Gr8 to c u both! RT @kathygriffin in the ladies room @JennyMcCarthy @LisaLampanelli http://t.co/XxnskYJkch

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Can't believe Duck Dynasty dad told GQ that the vagina is more desireable than a man’s anus. What? Someone from Duck Dynasty was in GQ?!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

10 years

I hate this noisy freak next to me at the free weights! I fucked a guy in an iron lung who wheezed less than this dick!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

I can't believe Christ Brown told a comedy writer he’d shit in her eye. Isn’t shitting on a cd & selling it as “music” bad enough???

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Not surprised Seattle won the Super Bowl. Denver worked out at the NY Jets facility all week. That kind of stink can rub off on ANYONE!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

6 years

Okay, followers and friends! Here’s a little @cher to get you through Wednesday! Remember to #Believe that the world will get better in 2019!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Casey Anthony wears Caylee’s ashes around her neck. I can think of something even more appropriate to wear around her neck #noose

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Why does John Travolta have the Fonz's hair?

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Jared Leto is so pretty.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

6 years

This is the absolute LAST thing i felt like doing today, but the only thing that made me feel good! #somefunnow #littleshopofhorrors

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Man, that Lance Armstrong is an unlikeable douche. Maybe if he made up a story about his girlfriend dying, I’d be more sympathetic!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

9 years

Great news! The hilarious @AmySchumer will perform at @AnimalLeague gala on 11/20! #SheDaBomb Get tix NOW:

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Screw Black Friday! Stay home instead! It's better to pay full price than get brained with a Keurig by some psycho bum-rushing the register!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

You know you're a gangster when u drive itself to @HamiltonBroadway @TheTonyAwards party (or just really cheap)

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Utah man on hunger strike to halt gay marriage. Is surviving on water, vitamins & the occasional care-package from Chick-fil-A!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

10 years

I can't believe a woman lives with both a husband AND a boyfriend! That chick's got more dicks going into her than the Scientology Center!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Some cunt keeps yelling stupid shit during my opening act. She better not try it with me 'cause I am in the mood for shit to go down!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

Seat mate on plane has already knocked 2 bottles of water onto me + taken off his shoes & crossed his leg so I can get a whiff #serenitynow

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Holy crap!! I have truly made it!! Thanks! RT @hooptysteve One across on Southwest Air in flight mag @LisaLampanelli http://t.co/nOl5jBa5pr

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Honey Boo Boo’s Mama June lost over 100 pounds. All she needs is 6 less chins & some cunt jokes & she could be ME!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Best line of the night: "Good luck following that, Amy Adams and Bill Murray!" @TheEllenShow is nailing it!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

A marijuana arrest happens every 42 seconds in U.S! Thank God every 43 seconds, a Mexican sneaks across the border w fresh bud to replenish!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

"And for that, my friend, we are very, very much in your debt." Who the fuck talks that way, pretentious Hollywood twat?

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Who's this cunt? I mean, the one with the guitar.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

Just saw @JenKirkman at Uncabaret in L.A., and I can say I officially have a new favorite comedian!! You are special, girl!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Anne Hathaway practiced Oscar speech to be more likeable. If you hafta practice being likeable, you’re probably a cunt! #TakesOneToKnowOne

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Man has dead wife’s vagina carved on tombstone. If I want a cunt on my grave, I’ll have Ann Coulter come pay respects!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

10 years

Holy crap! Dream come true! Just performed for @HowardStern and @BethStern at @animalleague gala!! Blessed!!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Randy Jackson leaving ‘Idol’ at end of season. Now they need another bloated fella who says “Dog” all the time. Hey how about Beth Chapman?

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Street in Arizona named Broomrape Lane. It’s easy to find. Just take a left on Fistfuck Blvd & it’s the block right after Tornrectum Ave.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Elisabeth Hasselbeck NOT fired from ‘The View’. Too bad! I woulda loved her on a Fox News show w/Palin & Coulter called ‘2 Girls, 1 Cunt’!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Lindsay Lohan causes $50k in damage to NYC hotel room. What happened to the good ole days when we were shocked that she was eating pussy?

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

10 years

Thought of a more apt comparison: Gall bladder was removed today. No problem! Much like the Westboro Baptist Church it serves no purpose!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Katy Perry told GQ she used to pray for big boobs. Big boobs, big hits, big career…I wanna go to the same church SHE went to!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

New Mexico bill wld criminalize abortions after rape as tampering w/evidence. I support bill that criminalizes the dick that thought this up

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

I like Cyber-Monday. It's like Black Friday without getting cut in line, then following the whore home & keying her car!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

6 years

And THIS is why no one invites me to Thanksgiving dinner!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Since people can't tweet I'm fat, they tweet I'm old. Keep it up, folks, & me & the rest of the Red Hat Society will track u down & beat u!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

I thought @TheEllenShow killed it, but kinda miss the uncomfortableness that @SethMacFarlane brought to the table.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

8 years

4 days til my 55th! The countdown to the boxed-cake bonanza begins!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Bieber photographed smoking pot in hotel room. I knew those Flintstone chewables he takes every morning would be a gateway drug!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Alec Baldwin threatens to “Fuck up” reporter on Twitter. I love him! He’s so angry & violent the NE Patriots should sign him as a tight end

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Poor Bradley Cooper has to act like anyone cares about documentaries.

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

WHO GIVES A FUCK!?!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

10 years

So crazy that people now say I’m too SKINNY! Having been the size of an airplane I know exactly how difficult it is to make one disappear!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Trying to memorize the entire Skinny Bitch script in next 2 days. I can name every freakin’ ‘Real Housewife’ but can’t remember my own life!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

So many coffee-sipping people at the cafe with their laptops. Newsflash:When Starbucks is your office you’re not a writer, you’re a douche!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Paris Hilton caught on tape saying most gay men probably have AIDS. Wow! That’s like saying most heiresses have herpes! Oh, wait . . .

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

11 years

Italian scientist argues that vaccines produce homosexuality. Finally someone more embarrassing to Italians than the cast of Jersey Shore!

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Lisa Lampanelli

@LisaLampanelli

12 years

Ann Coulter calls Obama a retard on Twitter. She just says offensive shit to get a reaction out of people. Who does she think she is? ME???

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