42nd birthday. class mornin. woke up to missus doin full mot on skin flute. then ice cold stella n full english breakfast in bed. sausages. bacon. black puddin. the works. smashed like a prime johnny vegas. started day off as mean to go on. birds a beaut. feelin agile. mean.
Just had a lass on the door ask for proof am over 25. Briefcase in hand. Code 7. *. 1. *. Door flicks open. BTEC certificate 1990. I ask is that proof. She asks for my number. Told her to have some respect. Old enough to be her dad. So just gave her snapchat. Cant hate player
on bar crawl. 5th bar. nose stinging like prozzys arsehole. lez shadow boxing about like a prime bruce leeroy. baz on juke box singing into coin sot. tried to have word. no luck. told bouncers hes artistic. dez offers candly flip. already gram of kez n gak down. think why not.
fumin. in paddlin pool. have splash. lez starts his shit. double leg take down. somehow lez bucks his way on top. caught in hellsgate. out for 10 min. woke up to me pants loaded more than a fudge factory when tom cruise is about. scarpered home. change n berry. keepin chest high.
@VideosIrish
fair play to lad. joined km high club. only pointer be. don’t waver in strides when door opens. that’s what crowd wants. bring up shoulders. mainting eye contact. pump bird like old old mitre on sunday morn.
Just got in from graft. Youngins got a date. I remember my first buck n chuck. Got a bonk on. Had to run up stairs to toilet for a shuffle. Toilet doors locked. Av looked to me right saw the clothes horseopen. Fuck it stealth wank. Army rolled to the back corner nuts mag in hand
few carlins in forreign territory. shite atmosphere. not for me. toon calling. forced bairn to bring scooter n pick up old man. meeting lez n lads. gunna get lairy. gear hid round neck like prime rodney dangerfield. feelin prepared. got headband on. not buggar to be trifled with.
news broke in staff room. havin brew. dunkin bourbon. content. bulletin flashes. Rishi Sunak new priminister. drop union jack mug. lunge at tv. gaffa anticipates. takes 12 to restrain. WIL BE CONSEQUENCES. WONT STAND BY WHILE SHEAREAR LAW PUT IN. THIS IS BRITAIN. NO BUGGARS HERE.
Paint buzz has me carried away. Ordered 6 tequilas at the bar. Smashed one after the other. Bought one for bartender. Ordered a snake bite. Seen our Paul outside. Time to pinch a silk cut n a key of the gak. Did pull up on door frame. Ready for anything.
with lads in local. pints flowin. pork scratchin being scranned like hotcakes. phone pings. missus. house back in order but apparently we’re havin chinees later. not on my watch. eating exotic food all week. had belly full. only payin for chip shop. kebab. told put plate in oven.
slept on sunbed yday. 1v1 w the sun. held me ground. but fare to say a lost. bongs n ibuprofen only thing numbing pain. jason slapped back at finish. lost it. one punch ko’d. security called. on job hunt from monday. heads al owa. 3 4 a hunna n spoons. carlin for the foreseeable.
@KSI
@tommytntfury
still putting my name out there. got a beef to settle with
@BigLez67
. the speccy prick needs slapped. was company boxing champ. thuy called is Lenny ‘lightenin shuffle’ Davenporte. fasted hands in byker. biggest fight since rumble in the jungle.
wake up flustard. cold sweats. summit not riyt. begin to think of dads last days. had 125 cans n 10 ounce of gear ova weekend. too much for even the hardest of human bodies to handle. blood was like spiked vodka coke. docta never seen owt like it. legend will live on. text deala.
lezs bbq. tension settled. lez grillin like ainsley hariott in his prime. smell dislodges a belly grumble. breakfast of tinnys is coming back to haunt is. look to grill. empty. take opportunity. army roll to left. grab sausage. get out. theft improves flavour. avoided detection.
on way pub. see lezs house bouncin. use trainin. ninja shuffle way in. handed can n key enterin kitchen. hear bangin. realisation dawns. lez banned from own house. LENS KING OF CASTLE NOW. got slazengers on. throwin tins at lez from landin window. just need to locate trimmas now.
@jakepaul
tommy makin proud british men look like donkeys. i offer to put myself forward as tribute. guaranteed first round ko. al even cut down to heavweight.
kicked out strippas. lez shadow boxed to head bounca. speed and velocity caused insult in territory. ruckus kicked off. bouncas being layed out like bed sheets. lads escaped. bruised. battared. shuffle to big market chippy. kebab. dereck reckon he has kitchen to go to. bout time.
lass spies thro door. cock in hand. demands passcode. told a if she can guess she can she see. hand over phone. put her own birthday. wrong. mug. told her i demand she lets me finish wank. she stares. i jab punch bag as warning. chain rattles. dog quivers. she scarpers. 1-0 lenny
woke up nude on kitchen island again. rough as onion bhaji thrown off floor. what makes ya bad makes ya better tho. last week off graft. gotta keep session on. couple stellas and a few hefty slugs only thing to keepin hangover at bay. missus says mow lawn by 2. cba.
At kebab shop. Order taking its time. XXL kebab. chips. chillis no salad. not a puff. garlic n chilli. Extra portion of kebab for bait tomorro. stuff bonk ons are made of. all the food came to 21. handed over 20. alan nods. knows im a long time customer and a dangerous enemy.
5th pint baileys. shapin to be gud night. see cenagal fans in corna givin it large. not on my watch. sheriff round these parts. puff chest. as approachin. see familiar site. carlins line there table. one lad holdin key. maybe arent so different. stagga back to bar. flabagasturd.
in pub. on 6th pint. packet gettin slapped about more than the missus lnight. shuffle starts to come out to play. catch eye off waitress. clearly impressed by moves. always room for dessert. make way over. offer face as seat. no luck. bouncers called. 6 to get is out. off spoons.
foul mood. hungover. graftin arse off. gaffa doesnt now anguish. grounded bairns on sight getting in house. unsatisfied. see les makin way down road. trick treatin. time 4 payback. inject jumbo snickers with chilli extract n hefty dose acid. teach buggar for stealing hedgetrimas.
@BigLez67
ya love to give big bollocks but youll be first round mine when lass has meatballs n dumplins on. better wash ya hands if ya coming near me aswell cause that lass looked like roy hodgson in drag. nee buggars.
lawn looking cleaner than heathrow runway. could turn pro at cutting grass. just in it for love of game tho. not cash. had favorite tea. mince and dumplin fajitas. was tidy bit scran. just what growing lad like me needs. wifes in good books. may donate some charity length later.
@BigLez67
lucky bastard you lez. could fall in swimming pool of shit and come out with new phone contract n 3 packs for 100. on side note. IF A DONT GET ME HEDGE TRIMMERS BACK BY SUNDOWN YA A DEAD MAN!
finished graft. hump day kicking arse. stopped straight by khans for crate n tabs. thought about local but cba for the allure of another session on the fruity. stret home. pull into drive n walk thro door. see boxs has arrived. juberlayshion. havin coke infused tea now to relax.
dead set sign of a bloke who gets pegged off his bird. n if a see this vest at any point on northern roads a will be forced into unleashin the zafira on em.
still got guard up. hands round face as precaution. neva know if someones gunna get lairy. order carlin. necked in seconds. bird lookin impressed down bar. friend points at bulge. pre pub bluey workin its magic. move in. ask if tha want tha tempatcha checked. fullproof. toilets.
feelin shit. at urinal havin key. lad joins. offers mystery bag. peaks intrest. next thing u know am stood at juke box. constant cycle of pink flid and led ziplin. shufflin to hearts content. eyes sealed due to intense vision of perfect brexit world. carlin everywhere. minge too.
smoking area. 15th spliff. jason offers key of what think is coke. accept graciously. hits throat. leg start to fold. flustard. top off. push way thro crowd belowin like wounded seal. start strikin. sum time later takes 9 bouncers to enter danger zone n pull len out. goin rustys.
sesh going well. can see sounds. start abit introspection. think about life. why we all we all here. why skunks so good. whats lennys purpose. sharp slap from Baz brings back to reality. calls is fairy. asks who number 700 is gunna be. got eyes on beur by door. wants length.
tb. proudest day. weston-super-mare on jollys. cunt came swooping down n thought it had found a mug. jabbed a left out n grabbed its flipper. gave it one good wack off wall. most humane thing to do. in nature they just drown out to sea. know which way ad pick. vermin. 1-0 len.
woke up rougha than a pint of tatty water. last night a blur. sniff fingers. shitty wif. see text from derek. image. rage starts brimmin. photo of me n the ‘bird’ i was with. this is why i dont drink carlin. cunts adams apple bigger than mine. split punchin bag in half. furious.
morrisons piss take. seen empty security stand. place down hill without lez. not a cheap chicken insight. aisles running bare of produce. pocketed pack of lamb hearts for dinner n made exit. on way out worst suspicions confirmed. female head of security. sickenin. world gon mad.
@BigLez67
what you doing skulking round my ends. dont believe ya. just jealous cause ur marriage was about as strong as poppadums. n every lad in estates had go on jen. where as the missus is loyal like labrador. only got taste for lens bone.
@BigLez67
Staking out premier atm. Balls sweatier than klopps forehead. Might call it a day soon. Can meet ya there at 12ish. Al chip in for 3 4 a hunna. can do some body shots only. Easy w for Money Davenporte. Dont tell bird, ring off 2day.
got in, shoes off. Someones done the unthinkabl. must be a vampire in the house cause i spy a muckle pair of Doc Martins. Find out apparently the Eldest is a goff. Thrown shoes on roof. Told a to turn into a bat and fly up there. Euro league final on tv. Stella. Bat in bed. Alpa
@BigLez67
lad a once held me breath for an entire episode of power rangers. you cant come close to my lung capacity. tought Michael phelps to toak. could eat you and ur entire fridge for breakfast. just sent ya bird a dick pic in snappy. Dee summit.
sick. grueller day. no scran. not ate since thursday. diet consists of cocaine an indigestion. me an the dog curled up. bit harry hill tv burp on the go. seein me through. prayin for another uber eats refund to come through. best case dealer ticks me another bag. one can dream.
@BigLez67
listen lez. get ya in bad place. if my bird had been shagging every 18-30 group she sees on holiday id be fuming too. but yal need ya mates when the baby cyclops that comes out her gammon pocket in 9 months time is born. too many loads. why orgys were banned in rome.
my bird tried it on over 1st lockdown. told her straight. its me or flashing muff photos on the interweb. no inbetween. bairn would have to be home schooled w state of her gammon pocket.
@jakepaul
if u really wanted it you would draft in a real boxer to replace. but no. still looking for excuses. got the bairn ready to take ya on any time anywhere. trained his jab myself. hes got 1200 youtube followers so big time in byka. n 500 street fights. dms open.
gravy smells thro the house. could be on to a winner. hit kitchen and i see a sight for tired eyes. mince and dumplins in the oven. colins on way over to fix xbox too. could make or break evening. tension in the house could be cut w a knife. finger of gravy. nice. going for wank.
@BigLez67
@KSI
@tommytntfury
listen here lez u know as well as me. ad never send a bird to do me dirty work. unless its the washin. I BROUGHT mince n dumps as a peace offerin. sooner or later the showdown will happen. cant run forever. selling the bairns electric scooter n spiking the cat were final straws.
in pub. having few jars. chewing shit with baz. dez on fruity. offered lez brown ale. turned down. clearly in bad way since job loss. simple man. morrisons was his life. made random lad give him a free gram earlier. claimed lad was his bairn. lad petrified. intervention needed.
sit in livin room for cards n presents. eldest up first. pressure on the goths shoulders. tension hi. pulls it out bag. crate n spliff. in good books. barely even batted eyelids at rest. cleary don’t understand point of birthday. me. semi at the ferero rochers from missus tho.
family in respect for queen wore all black tracksuits. agile respect. grab tinny and bucket from garden. waddle in living room. see queens coffin for first time today. pride swells. single brexit tear falls. light chillum. patriotism washes over. mc national anthem in her name.
in from graft. tracksuit on. brute splashed about. ready for local. CODE RED. worst fears have been rearlised. missus finally got banking app. seen amount of only fans subs on statement. deep shit. told her its obviously fake app. may resort to blamin on bairn if escerlaytes.
ended work w a back door scuttle 20 mins early. stopped by local. routine sesh. double stella. pork scratchin. home. thro door two mins already getting ear ache. apparently i was meant to get milk n honey from shop. told her id rather shit in hands n clap. heard door slam. tv on.
walkin back from pub. weird bald bloke offers sweet. look up n down. iron bru jelly baby. cant turn down. tastes good. thank him for generosity. take leave. half way thro walk vision goes blurry. suspicions rise it wasnt jelly baby. text baz for afters. jaws goin. nights young.
dirty stop out. slept with human slug. decide to make escape. army roll off bed. got clothes and left room in one swoop. shuffled downstairs. had to raid fridge on way. swiped posh yog. petit filous. bairn seen. sounded alarm. scarpered off to aldi. beni in am. strippers in pm.
Rage still hasn’t left sinc lastnight. Five knuckle shuffled the missus this morning. Swamp dick took a few minutes longer to get rid off. Nothing that Cif cant handle. Got me clobber on Bacon srnie in hand. Strait to HQ. Kid hasnt been home. Belt already waitin. 7pm is reckonin
shite mornin. up early. drink went to far lasnight. bladder failed. pissed bed. put sour taste on father day breakfast. tried to salvage. suggested toby carvery. wifes ear perked up. goth suggested wagamama’s. laughed in a face. not chinese. off to get ready. lonsdale tracksuit.
lyin in bed watchin telly w wife. feel a rumble. only means 1 thing. grab covers. dutch oven envelopes us. lass punches gut n screams. dislodged something. Second wave hits like fallout. hand down to check. only went n shit bed. Missus not happy. sofa now. graft @ 5. sick.
early start. already sunk cooler of tinnys n few of missuses gin concoctions. witch. pure paint strippa. feelin more wobbly than macaukey culkin after a fifth round of jesus juice at Neverland ranch. nothin a boosta cant sort tho. shuffle to khans for booze n smokes. running low.
local bouncin. extercy in air. more bombs dropped than nagasaki. go big or go home as queen once said. lads created radius round jukebox. plenty of prospect fanny blew away by ground breaking shuffle lads givin out. scooter jumpin all ova world on repeat. premier inn callin soon.
in pub. surveyin. see nice bit fish finger given eye. ol boy gettin excited. form plan. lad having half in back. perfect victim to show am true pack leader. walk owa. drink half. steel pen. lad scarpers off. lass blushing. in w chance. b playin w her fishermans friend in no time.
@jakepaul
still interested in an undercard fight with lez. take like a couple ks. nout daft. guarenteed barn burner. get stella to sponsor shorts. thinking bare knuckle cause my shovels fit no man made glove. perfect fight to bring the uk together. dms like a toby carbery on sunday. open.
Showered. Shitted. And shaved. Not in that order. 98/99 nufc top and jeans on. Stole sons millions. Mixy w my Brut. Brylcreem in me hair, Feelin top dolla. Down to basement. 20 seconds on punch bag. Broke it off wall. Tense in mirror. Quick wank for good luck. Taxi ere, perfect.