Thermostat @Kthurmz Twitter profile

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

3 years

All I’m saying is what if..

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

5 years

Hate it when my mom casually asks me what I had for dinner because I have to tell her it was flavor blasted goldfish and a white claw and she just has to live with the fact that she raised me

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@Kthurmz

5 years

David: can I play you something? The Lord:

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Now that I’m fully vaccinated I’m really gonna do it. I’m gonna open up that dirty window. I’m gonna let the sun illuminate the words that I could not find

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@Kthurmz

5 years

During the last date I went on, the guy: - told me I didnt look like I work out - repeatedly asked how thin the walls are in my house - tried to convince me that every woman secretly wants to be stalked I just. I’m killin it out here.

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Can we all take a moment to appreciate my friend Chris. Thank you.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

If 1% milk is really only 1% alcohol how come it gets me so drunk???

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Me getting really excited about making plans until the moment I realize I actually have to put on pants and leave my house

Jamie

@JFCEventing

5 years

This horse is not exactly what you would call a “natural jumper” 😂

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@Kthurmz

4 years

“once you get the shot in your arm then you’re allowed to go to chuck e cheese again.” -my 4yo nephew calmly explaining the vaccination process to me.

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

3 years

These free covid tests combine 2 of my favorite things: public health and receiving packages

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@Kthurmz

5 years

One time a man handing out samples at the liquor store looked in my grocery bag and said “I think this wine will pair nicely with your funyuns” and it was humiliating but honestly he wasn’t wrong

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Got obsessed with combining pictures of my favorite places with their topographic maps tonight and stoked about the result

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

5 years

Excuse me are you a rotten German sausage because you’re acting like a spoiled brat

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@Kthurmz

5 years

What if you’re just trying to get the 2 for $20 deal at Applebee’s?

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Some twitter users tbh

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

10 months

How advertisers expect us to react after scrolling through 60 million videos of the same ad

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

2 years

PLEASE look at this dog I saw yesterday

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@Kthurmz

5 years

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@Kthurmz

4 years

He was an antifa plant anyways. He tripped.

Theo Keith

@TheoKeith

4 years

BREAKING: The Christopher Columbus statue has fallen outside the Minnesota State Capitol, taken down by a group of about 150 people with no resistance by the State Patrol.

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

5 years

There is a woman at my gym who is laying face down in the sauna and tbh I’m a little worried she might be dead? But at least she died doing what she loved: laying face down in a sauna.

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

1 year

Absolutely beyond invested in the Minnesota state flag redesign submissions. My top 4 so far:

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Having a puppy is great because you can burst in a room and yell “guess who pooped outside?!” and everyone’s excited instead of just concerned

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

5 years

Number of times I have heard the word “unprecedented” over the past month

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@Kthurmz

6 years

Overheard in the Old Navy dressing room: “Mommy you look BEAUTIFUL! You look like a MARTIAN!” All I want in life in is a daughter who hypes me like that

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Gearing up for another exciting week at work

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@Kthurmz

3 years

5 yr old boy found something on a scavenger hunt and I told him he has a great eye & he says “and I have a great butt!!” may we all approach every situation with this level of confidence and enthusiasm.

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

6 years

If climate change is real, how come we haven’t saved up to a climate dollar yet hmmmm @ scientists???

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@Kthurmz

6 years

Nobody: Not a single soul: Literally NO ONE: (It’s because everyone is dead)

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@Kthurmz

5 years

There are plenty of fish in the sea but tbh there are probably more in this big ass carton

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

4 years

Not if you’re dating a man who is very self aware

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

5 years

This morning at a gas station a man asked for my number and I ignored him and his friends start yelling at him “man, just TRUMP HER! Just TRUMP HER come on!” you guys.... our president is a VERB. A REALLY SHITTY ONE THAT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY AT 7 AM.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

What’s your favorite thing that always gives you a stomachache but you do it anyways? Mine’s eating raw cookie dough or talking to boys.

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@Kthurmz

2 years

I just flew in from the spaghetti factory and boyardeez arms tired!!

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Can I hire Paul Rudd to just look me in the eyes real quick and tell me everything is going to be ok?

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@Kthurmz

5 years

here’s a joke: hey is this twitter or a sewing club???! because of all the threads Thank you

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@Kthurmz

4 years

I am FIERCELY loyal to my favorite gas stations and I wish I had that same sort of energy for something important like maybe a career path???

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

4 years

I’m having a bad day can you please say something nice about me that could double as something you would say to describe a good omelet?

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@Kthurmz

4 years

@KylePlantEmoji Even vikings fall asleep in their chocolate chips sometimes :/

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@Kthurmz

10 months

Update: we’re engaged

Thermostat

@Kthurmz

4 years

Just asked a boy I’ve only been on a few dates with what he would SAY at my FUNERAL??? why would he be speaking at my funeral??? Why am I the way that I am??

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@Kthurmz

2 years

I adopted a cat yesterday his name is Ralph he is literally perfect everyone please say I love you Ralphie

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@Kthurmz

3 years

Well good news people one year after this tweet I can safely say the funeral thing didn’t scare him off.

Thermostat

@Kthurmz

4 years

Just asked a boy I’ve only been on a few dates with what he would SAY at my FUNERAL??? why would he be speaking at my funeral??? Why am I the way that I am??

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@Kthurmz

3 years

I don’t drink beer. I am beer.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Going to dress up as the last package of toilet paper left in Costco, maybe then a man will want me.

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@Kthurmz

1 year

Honorable mentions. Wish we could vote to make the final decision because it would absolutely be a boaty mcboatface type of outcome

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Feeling a lot of pressure to cut my own bangs or bake my own bread. But alas my face is round and I don’t have any yeast so I will settle on laying facedown on my carpet.

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@Kthurmz

6 years

Elle Woods: Isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deACTIVATING THE AMMONIUM THIOGLYCOLATE??! 9 year old me :

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@Kthurmz

5 years

@jazz_inmypants Why did this just break my heart make it stop

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Thermostat

@Kthurmz

5 years

u ever just... forget how to drive?

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Online dating in the age of corona.. a guy just asked me if I’d like to go on a date on June 12th. I mean how can I say no to that.

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@Kthurmz

4 years

My boyfriend hasn’t tweeted since like 2015 but he has tweet notifications on for me because he thinks they’re funny. This is a Nick appreciation tweet.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

u ever just get really bored n dye ur hair purple?

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@Kthurmz

4 years

The pooper outsider ❤️

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@Kthurmz

3 years

Vaxxed, waxed, and ready to tax the extremely wealthy

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@Kthurmz

5 years

As a kid I was so afraid of the dark but now as an adult I’m just afraid of checking my credit card statement and also the dark.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Help I need a Halloween costume that says I’m totally chill but also hilarious and I put in effort but not TOO much effort and I look cute but sort of in an ironic way and it has to cost $0 and

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@Kthurmz

5 years

I hate it when actors say things like “when I was a kid, I’d put on shows in my living room for my parents” as if it’s unique. ok we all did that. Jared who works in tech support? Did that. Meredith who’s in jail now? Did that too.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

How come in the olden days (1800s??) people would know choreographed dances they could just whip out at parties? Why did that disappear? I would gladly swap the discovery of penicillin if meant I could spin around to some harpsichord with a young prince

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@Kthurmz

5 years

@KylePlantEmoji Butter

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Update: he ghosted me

Thermostat

@Kthurmz

5 years

Online dating in the age of corona.. a guy just asked me if I’d like to go on a date on June 12th. I mean how can I say no to that.

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Okaaayyy didn’t even know he was on the ballot

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@Kthurmz

2 years

Oh no. A candidate asked if I could do his interview over WhatsApp because he is out of the country and I just did the whole call without realizing this is my WhatsApp profile picture.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Heard my 4th graders talking about how they found a juul & I yelled at them for not coming to tell me right away. Turns out they were pretending to be pirates and they found a “jewel”... I’m just out here crushing dreams one day at a time.

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@Kthurmz

6 years

Jack’s Mannequin: DARK BLUE, DARK BLUE, HAVE U EVER BEEN ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM? 8th grade me:

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@Kthurmz

2 years

If you’re having a bad day, please look at my cat. Or if you’re having a good day I guess. Just look at him.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Wanted to end my email with “enjoy the end of your day!” but it was to 2 people so I said “enjoy the end of your days!” so that’s pretty threatening.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Heard my coworkers complaining about how inappropriate the halftime show was so I chimed in with “yeah, I just wanted to watch the men give each other brain damage!!” and let me tell you it did NOT go over well.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Going to a concert alone tonight what outfit can I wear that says “I promise I have friends but they just don’t like whispy voiced white men who sound like the ghosts of each other”

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@Kthurmz

5 years

My dad doesn’t drink much but when he does

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@Kthurmz

5 years

LMFAO did not yell SHOTS! at us over and over again in 2009 for you to not vaccinate your child

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@Kthurmz

3 years

goat cheese is the most appropriately named cheese it really is the best

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@Kthurmz

3 years

They are playing the wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald at the bar and I’m not supposed to cry right now??

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Just asked a boy I’ve only been on a few dates with what he would SAY at my FUNERAL??? why would he be speaking at my funeral??? Why am I the way that I am??

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@Kthurmz

5 years

In order to celebrate this Presidents’ Day, I am WASHING TONs of dishes. I am so sorry.

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@Kthurmz

2 years

I honestly can’t believe we have to work 8 hour days that is at least 7 too many in my opinion

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Accidentally opened Facebook Marketplace this morning and I-

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@Kthurmz

2 years

I love that more places are offering mocktails as a fun NA option but excuse me why are they $16?

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@Kthurmz

5 years

What’s your favorite flavor of chip? Mine’s blue raspberry

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@Kthurmz

5 years

2019 was a rough year for me but at least I didn’t join a multi-level marketing scheme

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@Kthurmz

4 years

I decided to let one of the zucchinis in my garden grow massively wild because I thought it’d be funny and I was right, it’s hilarious.

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@Kthurmz

4 years

just moved to a new house next to a dog park. every day there’s an endless stream of people in front of my window walking their dogs to the park. a free dog parade. daily 😭

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@Kthurmz

7 years

I kept the secret that Kelsey’s boyfriend was not only surprising her in New Zealand, but also proposing on a mountain top for MONTHS and let me tell you: secrets make my stomach hurt, please never make me keep one ever again.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

And that’s how I broke our lamp

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Today I told a fourth grader my last name was Thurmes and she says “oh, so you can keep me warm in the winter?!” And I am ENRAGED that no man has used that as a pick up line on me before

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@Kthurmz

5 years

It’s with a heavy heart I announce that I am unironically getting invested into birdwatching. I just love those little guys. TINY feet. Big hearts.

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Nobody asked but uncrustables answered

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Applying for jobs is such a scam why can’t I just send potential employers a picture of me doing finger guns so they can hire me and get it over with

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@Kthurmz

4 years

My mom met my bf for the first time & I mentioned how dogs always love him & she says “well that’s because he’s always carrying a giant beef stick in his pocket!” ...... my mother. said that to my boyfriend.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

We asked my 3 year old nephew to try to order his own food at a fancy restaurant and we all watched as he looked our waiter in the eye and asked for “a big pile of milk”

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@Kthurmz

7 years

Why does Justin Timberlake look like he just hit up the clearance section at Gander Mountain?

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Do you ever stress eat sushi in the Lunds parking lot and spill soy sauce on your shorts and get spicy mayo on your steering wheel and think to yourself- is this what it’s all about?

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@Kthurmz

4 years

Make sure to let your friends know when you’re thinking of them ❤️❤️

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@Kthurmz

3 years

Gatorade always advertises with very famous and successful athletes but it’s time they show someone from their real target demographic: me, violently hungover in a gas station

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@Kthurmz

5 years

One like and I’ll dye my hair purple this weekend

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@Kthurmz

2 years

Not to sound like a total snob, but I do prefer my wine to be imported from the remote region of Kirkland.

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@Kthurmz

5 years

Does anyone else add the cities on the weather app where your friends live/ go on vacation just so you can check on it and make sure everything’s good in their hood? Or is that obsessive/ I should keep that to myself?

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@Kthurmz

5 years

I have no idea how farmers don’t become emotionally attached to everything they grow. I grew my own tomatoes and basil this summer and now I cannot eat this caprese salad because it is my son.

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@Kthurmz

4 years

do we need to start cutting minnesota sports teams’ hotdogs into little pieces because they always choke 😔

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@Kthurmz

1 year

When you’re at a friend’s house and ask for a glass of water and they bring you one with ice in it it’s like okaaayyyy didn’t know we were at an olive garden!!!

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