Hate it when my mom casually asks me what I had for dinner because I have to tell her it was flavor blasted goldfish and a white claw and she just has to live with the fact that she raised me
Now that I’m fully vaccinated I’m really gonna do it. I’m gonna open up that dirty window. I’m gonna let the sun illuminate the words that I could not find
During the last date I went on, the guy:
- told me I didnt look like I work out
- repeatedly asked how thin the walls are in my house
- tried to convince me that every woman secretly wants to be stalked
I just. I’m killin it out here.
One time a man handing out samples at the liquor store looked in my grocery bag and said “I think this wine will pair nicely with your funyuns” and it was humiliating but honestly he wasn’t wrong
BREAKING: The Christopher Columbus statue has fallen outside the Minnesota State Capitol, taken down by a group of about 150 people with no resistance by the State Patrol.
There is a woman at my gym who is laying face down in the sauna and tbh I’m a little worried she might be dead? But at least she died doing what she loved: laying face down in a sauna.
Overheard in the Old Navy dressing room: “Mommy you look BEAUTIFUL! You look like a MARTIAN!”
All I want in life in is a daughter who hypes me like that
5 yr old boy found something on a scavenger hunt and I told him he has a great eye & he says “and I have a great butt!!”
may we all approach every situation with this level of confidence and enthusiasm.
This morning at a gas station a man asked for my number and I ignored him and his friends start yelling at him “man, just TRUMP HER! Just TRUMP HER come on!” you guys.... our president is a VERB. A REALLY SHITTY ONE THAT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY AT 7 AM.
Just asked a boy I’ve only been on a few dates with what he would SAY at my FUNERAL??? why would he be speaking at my funeral??? Why am I the way that I am??
Just asked a boy I’ve only been on a few dates with what he would SAY at my FUNERAL??? why would he be speaking at my funeral??? Why am I the way that I am??
Feeling a lot of pressure to cut my own bangs or bake my own bread. But alas my face is round and I don’t have any yeast so I will settle on laying facedown on my carpet.
Elle Woods: Isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deACTIVATING THE AMMONIUM THIOGLYCOLATE??!
9 year old me :
My boyfriend hasn’t tweeted since like 2015 but he has tweet notifications on for me because he thinks they’re funny. This is a Nick appreciation tweet.
Help I need a Halloween costume that says I’m totally chill but also hilarious and I put in effort but not TOO much effort and I look cute but sort of in an ironic way and it has to cost $0 and
I hate it when actors say things like “when I was a kid, I’d put on shows in my living room for my parents” as if it’s unique. ok we all did that. Jared who works in tech support? Did that. Meredith who’s in jail now? Did that too.
How come in the olden days (1800s??) people would know choreographed dances they could just whip out at parties? Why did that disappear? I would gladly swap the discovery of penicillin if meant I could spin around to some harpsichord with a young prince
Oh no. A candidate asked if I could do his interview over WhatsApp because he is out of the country and I just did the whole call without realizing this is my WhatsApp profile picture.
Heard my 4th graders talking about how they found a juul & I yelled at them for not coming to tell me right away. Turns out they were pretending to be pirates and they found a “jewel”... I’m just out here crushing dreams one day at a time.
Heard my coworkers complaining about how inappropriate the halftime show was so I chimed in with “yeah, I just wanted to watch the men give each other brain damage!!” and let me tell you it did NOT go over well.
Going to a concert alone tonight what outfit can I wear that says “I promise I have friends but they just don’t like whispy voiced white men who sound like the ghosts of each other”
Just asked a boy I’ve only been on a few dates with what he would SAY at my FUNERAL??? why would he be speaking at my funeral??? Why am I the way that I am??
just moved to a new house next to a dog park. every day there’s an endless stream of people in front of my window walking their dogs to the park. a free dog parade. daily 😭
I kept the secret that Kelsey’s boyfriend was not only surprising her in New Zealand, but also proposing on a mountain top for MONTHS and let me tell you: secrets make my stomach hurt, please never make me keep one ever again.
Today I told a fourth grader my last name was Thurmes and she says “oh, so you can keep me warm in the winter?!” And I am ENRAGED that no man has used that as a pick up line on me before
My mom met my bf for the first time & I mentioned how dogs always love him & she says “well that’s because he’s always carrying a giant beef stick in his pocket!” ...... my mother. said that to my boyfriend.
We asked my 3 year old nephew to try to order his own food at a fancy restaurant and we all watched as he looked our waiter in the eye and asked for “a big pile of milk”
Do you ever stress eat sushi in the Lunds parking lot and spill soy sauce on your shorts and get spicy mayo on your steering wheel and think to yourself- is this what it’s all about?
Gatorade always advertises with very famous and successful athletes but it’s time they show someone from their real target demographic: me, violently hungover in a gas station
Does anyone else add the cities on the weather app where your friends live/ go on vacation just so you can check on it and make sure everything’s good in their hood? Or is that obsessive/ I should keep that to myself?
I have no idea how farmers don’t become emotionally attached to everything they grow. I grew my own tomatoes and basil this summer and now I cannot eat this caprese salad because it is my son.
When you’re at a friend’s house and ask for a glass of water and they bring you one with ice in it it’s like okaaayyyy didn’t know we were at an olive garden!!!