Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST @KristenVanNest Twitter profile

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

6 months

Available on Amazon, at Barnes & Noble, and a local bookstore or library near you, order my comedic travel memoir: WHERE TO NEST. It’s also available via audiobook read by yours truly (and yes, I do accents!)

Where to Nest

www.amazon.com

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

One time I dated a Hollywood Assistant who would send me calendar invites for our dates and I didn't hate it?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

5 years

Descriptions of women in 1940s films 💁‍♀️🎬 #funnyladies #womencomedians #FridayFeeling

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

6 years

@wood10_ @Ntombi @IjeomaOluo I think you’re doing exactly what the white boy in the story did by assuming you know more than the *woman more educated on the subject* (this subject being dealing with white bros at book signings on issues such as race, diversity, etc.)

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Louis CK masturbated in front of women and won a Grammy. Will Smith smacked another man and had to resign from the Oscars. There is a VERY obvious double standard here

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

The girl who told me hand jobs don’t count as cheating is a life coach now!

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Ladies who have been pregnant: How did you find out you were pregnant? I feel like every movie has the character vomiting in a sink, but I heard this is highly uncommon irl. If we wanted to write more authentic scenes, what would those be? #amwriting

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

#IOnceDatedAPersonWho said he marched in two Pro-Life protests in DC. I got up mid-dinner and left

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

@ZackBornstein Everyone in Home Alone NEEDS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

I’m starting to appreciate Tom from MySpace’s behind the scenes, lack of constant chaos, no Chief Twat approach to owning a social platform

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

Signing off. xoxo, Carol

“Fake Carol’s” Message to the Real AMPTP President: “Babe, You Don’t Have to Keep Doing This”

In an exclusive interview, the mid-level comedy writer behind the viral social media account explains why they don’t plan to reveal their identity (except maybe to David Simon).

www.hollywoodreporter.com

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Exciting news! I will be publishing my memoir WHERE TO NEST (2024) and my self help book STOP DOING WHAT YOU HATE (2025) with . @alexandriab_11 at . @RAPubcollective . Thank you so much for believing in me . @litagentmariah . Stay tuned for updates!!!

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Some sad news, after a full year, my ex has finally changed his HBO password

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

LA housing is like: do you want to spend $3k to rent a tin can in the center of town or a million dollars to buy a murder house on the outskirts of town?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Why is she dressed like a villain?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

@NatalieReporter

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

@rachelmillman I would also check with the regulations in your city cuz the rental board could definitely go after them. With small claims, you’ll have to serve them papers which means know where they live and pay someone $70 to tell them you’re taking them to court

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

I sold both my books! My memoir WHERE TO NEST (2024) and my self help book STOP DOING WHAT YOU HATE (2025). Now we celebrate and then I get to work writing my travel memoir on living in Paris, Luxembourg, Shanghai and visiting places like North Korea 😅

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

The first time my dad saw me do standup he was like: “What is a dick pic? You need to explain that otherwise people won’t get your joke”

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

@CowanVirg For a moment I thought you meant your cat since it’s on her lap then I was like wait I’m an idiot 😂

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

Lockheed Martin is like: “Make love… and bombs 🏳️‍🌈💗💗💗”

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

@HenaJBryan this just happened to me! She said the rate was for bleach and not for toner. I was like what’s toner? She said it’s the actual color, so when I paid for “highlights” the price didn’t include the color. Um, what😛

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

The forshadowing of him saying he has a bunch of “false accusations” at work and then getting butt ass naked in front of her #whitelotus

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

Let me fix that Bob Iger quote: “As someone worth $690 million I simply can’t understand why the poors care so much about having health insurance. It’s very disturbing to me.”

Variety

@Variety

1 year

Disney CEO Bob Iger says the writers and actors going on strike in Hollywood are not being “realistic” with their expectations: "It's very disturbing to me."

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

@EvanRomano “burn all corporations to the ground or lead them into the future”

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Can we share terrible Hollywood stories? I’ll go first: My first ever manager suggested an acting class (spoiler:her husband’s class).I roll up and it’s only kids? I watch two 13 year olds perform a Harry Met Sally scene. The teacher screams: “It sucks cuz no one seems f*ckable!”

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Parking signs in LA are like: You have 3 chances to solve a riddle that can only be read by those with 10/20 vision + solved by a mathematician in between the hours of 3am and 6am.If unsolved, you have a long journey to pay an exorbitant fee or be haunted by fines until you die

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

@cassmannes Dear person I’ve emailed but definitely know nothing about: If you’re a women, just no. Please take the burden that is me, make it your burden, and then pass that burden off to a man. yours truly, IM NOT A MAN CHILD MY BOOK IS ABOUT HOW IM AN ADULT

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Never thought joining the Illuminati would start with a slide in my DMs

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

We will adopt your baby

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

What is a pickle if not a cucumber persevering

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

A note for all the men out there: -If I don’t know you, it’s super creepy to send me a DM about how I look sexy -If I do know you, it’s still pretty creepy to send me a DM about how sexy I look

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

The only thing I know about Julia Fox is that she looks like if an alien tried to dress a human

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

When I told my parents I wanted to pursue comedy

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

Spectrum and Disney. WGA and Disney. SAG-AFTRA and Disney. Bob Iger is in more simultaneous fights than a Thursday night at Waffle House

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Why do dystopia shows always have scenes in brothels but never scenes about evil billionaires making their employees pee in bottles?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Screenwriters: Want to write something truly memorable? Have your audience fall in love with your protagonist, follow them on their journey, laugh with them, cry with them, and then discover they're a cake

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

@SuperJulia okay this has about the same level of zen as jail

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Divorce is okay. Breaking up is okay. Starting over is okay. Moving on is okay. Saying no is okay. Being alone is okay. What is not okay is pouring your milk into your bowl before your cereal. You’re a monster and that’s why everyone leaves you

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Overheard someone tell a COVID deny-er they lost 10 family members to COVID and they responded “That’s not my experience.” What is wrong with people?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Made a new friend at Sundance

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Accidentally typed “WHORGEOUS” instead of “gorgeous” and I’m using it for everything from now on

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

5 years

What’s it like being a woman in the entertainment industry?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

I wrote/directed this short 2 years ago about America becoming a dictatorship and everyone told me that was too extreme but ummm...

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

I will adopt your baby

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

Me walking to get my iced coffee in this heatwave

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Why does it look like Batman’s mask is made of fondant 🎂 #SnyderCut

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

I can’t live, laugh, love right now, I can only eat, sleep, procrastinate

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Netflix has a show marriage or mortgage where couples have $35k and have to choose between a wedding or a house. This is the most American thing of all time

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

You’re in his DMs, I’m at the DMV. We’re both having a terrible time

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

@mikeabrusci Girl dinner: Boy Edition

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Someone on Facebook wrote “pop the bubbly I’m getting a hubby” And it filled me with a completely unnecessary level of disgust and rage. Just call him a hubbly! Go for the full rhyme!

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Could we get 11,780 arrests?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Harsh writing advice Stop taking classes and start writing the damn thing

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Just spent $17 on a keto pizza the size of my butt hole, thank you LA

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Shouldn’t Ted be on a no fly list with all the traitors from Jan 6th?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Get ready with me to go to a onesie party in LA…by the look on my face in the end can you tell I was the only one who dressed up!?😭🤣

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Was gonna write but then took a three hour nap so now I’m extra rested to relax this evening

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Advice on living in LA: if you want to hang with a group of friends, you gotta accept that at least two of them are terrible human beings

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

11 months

why does she look like she is going to poison me

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

I did the thing and got this sweet sticker to hide the huge toothpaste stain on my shirt!

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

WGA strike in front of Netflix

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Every guy who loves Andrew Tate

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

It’s my birthday and in celebration of living, please tell me your ideal way to die and why

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Very excited to announce I’ve been accepted into the . @WomenInFilm Mentor Program! Love this community and looking forward to learning from and helping promote other women in the industry 🎬⠀

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Why do Republicans think WAP is more of a threat to our society than mass shootings?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

If he refuses to wear a mask, he probably ain’t gonna wear a condom either

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Time for the age old question: Should I talk to people at this party or sit in the corner and enjoy a plate of cheese

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

This is the most LA thing smh

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

After meeting online in a writers group four years ago, I finally met . @BrookeKnisley for the first time in person! As I reflect on life after lockdown, some of my closest friends are now people that I met on the internet. I am so grateful for all these amazing friends!

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Someone asked me if it’s okay to randomly burst out crying right now and the answer is yes, a resounding yes

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

DGA… this could be us

SAG-AFTRA NEWS

@sagaftranews

1 year

SAG-AFTRA National Board Unanimously Agrees To Send Authorization Vote To Members

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

When I was a lead on a TV show, the producer decided to not pay *any* of the actors. Luckily, SAG-AFTRA had our back & took legal action. This is why unions are so important & I proudly stand by the WGA. As an author today, I get residuals & so should screenwriters! #WGASTRONG

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

When I have a deadline *and* a menty b

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

5 years

Has anyone else revved up their mid-day depression naps?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

9 years

Nothing ruins a great pair of cotton panties like Donald. #periodsarenotaninsult

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Apparently SAG has higher standards as to who can be an actor than the American Bar Association has on who can be a lawyer

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Not die.

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

When a friend introduces you to their new toxic boyfriend

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Making an app for introverts called onlyplans. It provides ideas on how to cancel last minute without appearing flaky

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Divorce is okay. Breaking up is okay. Starting over is okay. Moving on is okay. Saying no is okay. Being alone is okay. What is not okay is marinating your chicken in NyQuil. You high af and nobody wants to eat that

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Male authors describing a casual errand by their female lead

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Men to women during COVID: Your eyes should smile more

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Scream wouldn’t work in present day cuz no one picks up calls from unknown numbers

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Did RBG and God finally sit down and have a chat? #TrumpHasCovid

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Why can’t printers just like work?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

I didn’t realize there would be a red carpet and I wore SOCKS AND SANDALS⁠

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

Habits All Writers Need: (Start to end of day) 1. Morning walk 2. Scalding Hot Shower 3. Meditation (tripping over your cat and saying “ummmmmmmmm”?!) 4. Coffee 5. 15 minutes of focused work 6. Journal 7. Eat some comfort food 8. Read 9. Stop reading to write 10. Cry

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

I don’t know who the President will be, but I do know ice cream is delicious

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

2 years

@_Jason_Dean_ it starts with one dumpster cat and next thing you are...

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

I always thought people in zombie movies were so dumb, but I risk my life going outside for a bag of Cheez-It’s from the bodega, so can I really look down on anyone?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Bought a dinner party murder mystery game today because one day I hope to see people again and then joyfully pretend to murder each other

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Marry, f*ck, kill: BEER BBQ FREEDOM

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

It’s 2030, you’ve met the love of your life, got engaged, the wedding is tomorrow. You’re finally moving in together and while cleaning out their closet you find this. What do you do?

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Game of Thrones had a better ending than the Trump Administration

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

3 years

Unpopular opinion: the best thing young people can do early in their careers is sneak into the National Archives to steal the Declaration of Independence

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Want to know who your toxic friends are? They’re the ones out there not wearing masks

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

4 years

Hanging with this gate because hanging with humans is dangerous.

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

1 year

To clarify I am *not* fake Carol 😂

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Kristen Van Nest ✍️ Author of WHERE TO NEST

@KristenVanNest

5 years

One of my goals for 2019 was to get my women screenwriters Facebook group where we support each other/share tips to 2k members. I'm at 1.6k and we have a few days left. Any chance you could retweet this + tag the most badass women screenwriters you know?

Binders Full of Screenwriters | Facebook

If you have interest in a group that focuses mainly on screenwriting, this group is for you! THIS PLACE IS: A laid-back, no pressure resource for female, genderqueer, trans men, and non-binary...

www.facebook.com

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