Colganrants 💙🌊 @KevinColgan13 Twitter profile | Pikagi

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Colganrants 💙🌊

@KevinColgan13

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Following

876

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I wrote the best book chronicling 2020 in the form of letters to Hunter S. Thompson ever written. Sure, it’s a specific genre but still true. 🤣 #HarrisWalz2024

El-Lay

https://t.co/0UwtIiLFOL

Joined February 2018

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

6 months

An excerpt from my book “Letters with Hunter: Fear and Loathing on Lockdown” which shows it’s possible to look back on 2020 and laugh a bit, amid some groans. Unless you’re a Trump supporter, in which case you will not enjoy this at all. #WriterCommunity

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

3 years

@nathaliejacoby1 Pulled a muscle sneezing the other day

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@KevinColgan13

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4 years

I wish 2020 would abduct a member of Liam Neeson's family so he'd kick its ass and save the fucking day.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I’m 49 years old and I texted my mom asking what blood type I am. She said she doesn’t know. I’m starting to think she’s just walked away from her responsibilities.

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@KevinColgan13

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4 years

I'm officially who in the hell is this and why the fuck did SNL ask them to be the musical guest years old.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

21 days

Trump Force One leaking oil and being grounded is a pretty strong flex by the universe.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Before I go to bed every night, whispered in my best Arya Stark voice: "Donald Trump. Pence. Moscow Mitch. KellyAnne. Rudy. Barr. Stephen Miller. Kayleigh. Pompeo. Christie. Cotton. Kavanaugh. DeSantis. DeVos. Cruz. Graham."

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Once my Sesame Street inspired Halloween costume arrives it's grover for you bitches.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

18 days

@ThunkHunter @zeithistoriker Calling that conversation nuanced is like calling curdled milk textured.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I don't have kids & I can tell some of you really need a break so go ahead & drop em off. Not really comfortable posting my address on here so just follow the smell of weed & the soft melody of peace & tranquility.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

It boggles my mind so many people actually want to spend Thanksgiving with their extended family.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

It would make me very happy if every person who Trump speaks to in the White House said, "Just give me a minute, gotta finish this tweet."

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

The White House says wearing a mask will still remain optional. Additionally, they said sharing hypodermics and re-using condoms is also fine.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Having sex with me is a lot like riding an epic rollercoaster. It lasts less than two minutes, your picture might get taken while you're screaming with your eyes closed and there's a very good chance you'll vomit at the end.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

We’re shutting back down in LA and I have 60 hours to load up on essentials: beer, wine, tequila, Xanax, Percocet, Vicodin, coloring books (for adults) coffee, smokes, weed, KY jelly and rubber gloves. Hopefully I have some money left over for food and water.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

When I was 7 I asked Santa for this action figure I thought was named Ragu so Xmas morning I woke to find a jar of spaghetti sauce under the tree & after bawling my eyes out for awhile my parents decided to give me my present, in case you're wondering why I'm so fragile.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

So... I went back to work Saturday which was the first time I wore something other than sweats in three months and long story short sweats are deceptive and I’m fat.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

What level of depression is it if you pull the plug on your bath but sit there until all of the water drains out of the tub?

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

She asked me to do something around the house so I went out and chipped golf balls back and forth for an hour which made me tired so I came inside and took a nap. Now she’s not talking to me and I’ll never understand women.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

If after your partner casually mentions a single minor bodily pain and you don’t give a long winded, highly specific, detailed and nuanced description of every physical ailment that is presently afflicting you are you even taking this whole relationship thing seriously?

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Sure, she does most of the cooking and cleaning and gardening and shopping and all of the laundry but who do you think it is that does the vital job of breaking down all the boxes that have to go in the recycle bin?

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Only having empathy for those who have empathy is coming in pretty handy right now.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Out of respect for all of you who have children and are forced to homeschool I've started drinking heavily this morning in a show of solidarity. We can do this!!!!

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

The only thing I'm going to miss about the Trump presidency is one musician after another ordering him to stop using their songs for his insipid rallies.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

She had a cat before we started dating but we’ve been together for years so it’s really our cat but I always say it’s her cat when the cat is being a colossal asshole so basically what I’m trying to say is it’s her cat.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Trump is like that ex who blamed all of your relationship problems on their previous relationships.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I love that Trump canceled his election nite event cuz they think they're gonna lose but built that fence around the White House since they know the public will try and burn it down if they happen to win.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I just had the best sex in four years.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I don’t have kids, I’m never going to have kids and I find it rather heartbreaking that I’m not going to be able to pass down the neurosis that every child is entitled to.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

LA is on the verge of another shutdown and I welcome it. This has nothing to do with the pandemic, I’m just really fucking sick of people again.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

1 month

@TruckerMcneal @sinden_mik11198 @GordonAdam2 @ahez68 @SusanWi56265245 @dom_lucre @akafacehots I’d learn English before plunging into this political deep dive. You know, baby steps into being an adult.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I'm not saying I feel needy and a wee bit psychotic but today I've decided to unfollow all the people who aren't following me back then follow them again to see if the second time's the charm and then I'm gonna track down Linda Newton who completely ignored me in the 3rd grade.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

It’s so weird that men don’t know the appropriate place to masturbate like I did yesterday, all by myself, music playing lowly and going thru a car wash.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

10 days

@HeatherThomasAF Raphael Warnock showed how he won GA in 2020 and why he’s a real player moving forward. Crushed it.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I was just told I smell like a hamburger but it sounded like an insult which confuses me.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

If this Mandalorian season ends with Baby Yoda still in Gustavo Fring's chicken licking fingers I'm never eating at Los Pollos Hermanos again.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Me: Alexa, can you tell all of our guests to leave? Alexa: Guests: Me: *begins casually whistling*

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Losing my virginity was no where near as exciting as these final moments of Biden clinching the election and, let me tell you, that stuffed animal was hot.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

While attempting to break down a cardboard box just now I smashed my fist right through it and punched myself in the dick. How’s your evening going?

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

There's two kinds of guests: those who sit in your favorite chair for hours and those who get invited back.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Guys, a little advice. If she asks, "Did you hear a single fucking word I said?" the correct answer is "Yes." Follow me for other relationship tips.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

For those of you who have been in a relationship more than six years, how much longer do I have to wait until I'm not asked, "Are you really wearing that?"

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I just saw our guests off after a 4 day stay and I really couldn’t be happier. I’m gonna fix myself a drink to celebrate as soon as she unlocks the fucking door and let’s me back in the house.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

What confuses me most about racism is people allowing their hatred for others to be limited by ethnicity when you can equally despise all people of all colors.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

*telephone call* Manager: We’re re-opening and would like to know if you’re interested in coming back. Me: That depends. Can we resume the whole game of you looking the other way when I drink at work? Manager:

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Do people with the Baby on Board sign in their back window think we’d all just smash our cars into them if they didn’t share that information?

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

3 months

@visionbored2 Happy birthday!!

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Yes, being engaged to a chef is amazing when she cooks but not so great when I do and she inevitably gives me “the look.” Of course I ask what I’ve done wrong and she always says “nothing.” But it’s something. I’m positive it’s something.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

@EricJRacy @ABC7 2020 trying to make amends.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Republicans crying election fraud is like the New England Patriots accusing their opponent of cheating.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

The headline 'Russia's "Sausage King" killed with crossbow in his home sauna" is peak 2020.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

"Do you condemn White Supremacy in this country?" "I think the final season of Game of Thrones was horrible."

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I don't know about you but I've found the quickest way to read the room is by making a really tasteless joke.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I'd leave every white supremacist a noose in their garage but trailers don't have a garage.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Apparently, the space between the couch and the wall is not the acceptable Clipped Fingernail Depository that I mistook it for.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

28 days

@oneilkagypsy @LauraLoomer Anyone who watches Trump speak and thinks he’s gonna do well is just deluded. If Biden hadn’t flubbed the last debate so bad the entire conversation would’ve been on Donnie’s insanity. Kinda like his 92 min “speech” at the RNC. Or did you think that went well? Do share.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I wouldn’t say I’m a child but I do yell “Yay for Kevin!!” when I’m told I can watch whatever I want on TV.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

A mosquito just buzzed straight into my ear and I think I smashed my eardrum trying to kill him. I’m not sure if I did. I don’t hear him buzzing anymore but I also can’t hear anything.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

@maddow These roving bands really blew it by not grabbing stimulus checks.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

The plant that's been in our kitchen the last five years is real, not fake, and I wonder what else I'll learn tonight.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Thinking of starting an onlyfans for women. My videos will just be me loading the dishwasher properly or sitting and nodding and offering to get more wine. (this tweet was @VisionBored1 inspired)

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Just because you don't love your country doesn't mean you don't want to love your country.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

If you don't require some type of white noise at night cuz the ringing in your ears makes it impossible to sleep without it then I'm not sure we can be friends. But you get bonus points if you use a rain app. And a cookie if you opt for a thunderstorm.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

@guelphgirlchris @ksorbs I have no doubt in my mind his "concession" speech will be exactly as follows: "This election was RIGGED and I hereby formally announce my candidacy for 2024!!"

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Watching this debate tonight is gonna be like watching porn. Nobody will be that attractive, it’s not going to do anything for me at all and I expect to cringe the entire time.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

The Devil went down to Georgia but he didn't have to steal any souls, he just collected some non-mask wearing, shoulder rubbing assholes.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I don’t wanna get my hopes too high but I really feel like this could be the year my dream of having chili dogs on Thanksgiving finally comes true.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

My fiancé had a new phone delivered and she's getting a tutorial on how to use it from the AT&T guy which is fine, I'm not the jealous type, but goddamn they've been in the bedroom a long time.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

She asked if I wanted queso and I said I don’t care then I asked if she wanted queso and she said she didn’t care then we both laughed and laughed and ate the fuck outta that queso.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

When did Carole Baskin move to St. Louis?

Tweet media one

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

For someone who doesn’t believe in God I sure do a lot of late night bargaining with him.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

James Joyce in "Ulysses" wrote "History... is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake." Well, the sun is shining and I'm once again happy to have my eyes wide open.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I've never been tested for an STD cuz I don't want an STD. It's just science.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

11 days

@DogginTrump Of all the stupid things he’s done, posting this pic is probably the dumbest. What a colossal mistake. Every time I think he couldn’t be more moronic and drive his campaign off a cliff he goes full Thelma and Louise.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Me: Babe, would you mind trying to muffle your sneezes? Her: When I do that I sometimes pee myself a little. Me: Yeah but I can’t hear that.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

When I say I don't think that's true, I'm being polite and saying you're fucking wrong.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

If you haven’t had a running feud with a cat for the last three months, I really don’t think you’ve properly sheltered in place.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Met a really nice couple who opened a restaurant near my house. I told them they’d be seeing me soon. They then told me they don’t have a liquor license yet. They won’t be seeing me soon.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Almost just blew my knee out. Skiing? Nah. Playing basketball? Nope. Standing up from the toilet after 30 minutes with my left leg completely asleep? Ding ding ding!!!

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

5 days

@AuntCunt Your utter disdain tickles me.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I’m sure I’m in the minority here but no musical should ever, I repeat, ever be two hours and forty minutes long. That’s just sadistic.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

As much as I hate people, particularly neighbors, I'd very much like Stacey Abrams to live next door to me. Almost every day she'd be like, "What does this motherfucker want now?" but I'd win her over.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

What I miss most about going to parties is not staying very long and then executing a flawless Irish goodbye.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Guy at the liquor store looked at me like I was some kinda cheap asshole when all I asked for was a really exquisite bottle of $5 wine.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I enjoy when my tweets generate more profile clicks than likes cuz it reinforces my belief most people read my drivel and think, “I gotta see what this douche canoe looks like.”

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

If there was an Olympic event for throwing your back out while doing absolutely nothing at home on a lockdown I’d be the fucking gold medal winner. I can immediately hear some of you bellowing but just shut up and accept your silver medal.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

If you’ve ever done the old “What’s the capital of Thailand” and then punched another guy in the dick while yelling “Bangkok!!” I hate your fucking guts.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

30 days

@TheAuthorGuy I’m looking forward to him telling Vance’s kids to choose a lane.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

22 days

This General News Conference is wonderful cuz it’s not often you can watch a presidential campaign disintegrate into orange ash in real time.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Don’t be afraid of COVID unless you don’t have a helicopter to fly you to Walter Reed where doctors will give you round the clock care and pump you full of steroids and Remdesivir.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

3 years

Sure sex is great but have you ever awoke to the smell of frying bacon but then actually woke up and realized the bacon was just a dream and now not only do you not have sex or bacon but only a stupid tweet?

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I learned early on you can’t trust the police the first time I was taken to the drunk tank and realized there was no alcohol there.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

In my darkest hours I take comfort in the knowledge that I will never be a jogger.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

This may be a Rush to judgement but 2021 is already significantly better than 2020.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 months

@SteveGustm38567 @MichLKosinski If only there was a grammar pill

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

17 days

@ThunkHunter @zeithistoriker Guarantee she’s smarter than you ya fuckin dimwit.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Took a COVID test and my nostril is completely fucked. I’m kidding, I just did a bunch of cocaine.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

I’m sure it’s indicative of the gaping holes of excitement in my life but when it gets cold enough for me to start wearing wool socks around the house is one of the glorious highlights of my year.

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

A Thread Adoption Agency: So tell us again why you’d like to adopt? Me: Here’s the thing, people who have kids and tweet about them and their silly antics and the stress they create seem to get the most likes and have the most followers on Twitter and frankly I could really

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@KevinColgan13

Colganrants 💙🌊

4 years

Do you set an alarm or do you have a cat?

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