I wrote the best book chronicling 2020 in the form of letters to Hunter S. Thompson ever written. Sure, itβs a specific genre but still true. π€£
#HarrisWalz2024
An excerpt from my book βLetters with Hunter: Fear and Loathing on Lockdownβ which shows itβs possible to look back on 2020 and laugh a bit, amid some groans. Unless youβre a Trump supporter, in which case you will not enjoy this at all.
#WriterCommunity
Iβm 49 years old and I texted my mom asking what blood type I am. She said she doesnβt know. Iβm starting to think sheβs just walked away from her responsibilities.
Before I go to bed every night, whispered in my best Arya Stark voice: "Donald Trump. Pence. Moscow Mitch. KellyAnne. Rudy. Barr. Stephen Miller. Kayleigh. Pompeo. Christie. Cotton. Kavanaugh. DeSantis. DeVos. Cruz. Graham."
I don't have kids & I can tell some of you really need a break so go ahead & drop em off. Not really comfortable posting my address on here so just follow the smell of weed & the soft melody of peace & tranquility.
Having sex with me is a lot like riding an epic rollercoaster. It lasts less than two minutes, your picture might get taken while you're screaming with your eyes closed and there's a very good chance you'll vomit at the end.
Weβre shutting back down in LA and I have 60 hours to load up on essentials: beer, wine, tequila, Xanax, Percocet, Vicodin, coloring books (for adults) coffee, smokes, weed, KY jelly and rubber gloves. Hopefully I have some money left over for food and water.
When I was 7 I asked Santa for this action figure I thought was named Ragu so Xmas morning I woke to find a jar of spaghetti sauce under the tree & after bawling my eyes out for awhile my parents decided to give me my present, in case you're wondering why I'm so fragile.
So... I went back to work Saturday which was the first time I wore something other than sweats in three months and long story short sweats are deceptive and Iβm fat.
She asked me to do something around the house so I went out and chipped golf balls back and forth for an hour which made me tired so I came inside and took a nap. Now sheβs not talking to me and Iβll never understand women.
If after your partner casually mentions a single minor bodily pain and you donβt give a long winded, highly specific, detailed and nuanced description of every physical ailment that is presently afflicting you are you even taking this whole relationship thing seriously?
Sure, she does most of the cooking and cleaning and gardening and shopping and all of the laundry but who do you think it is that does the vital job of breaking down all the boxes that have to go in the recycle bin?
Out of respect for all of you who have children and are forced to homeschool I've started drinking heavily this morning in a show of solidarity. We can do this!!!!
The only thing I'm going to miss about the Trump presidency is one musician after another ordering him to stop using their songs for his insipid rallies.
She had a cat before we started dating but weβve been together for years so itβs really our cat but I always say itβs her cat when the cat is being a colossal asshole so basically what Iβm trying to say is itβs her cat.
I love that Trump canceled his election nite event cuz they think they're gonna lose but built that fence around the White House since they know the public will try and burn it down if they happen to win.
I donβt have kids, Iβm never going to have kids and I find it rather heartbreaking that Iβm not going to be able to pass down the neurosis that every child is entitled to.
I'm not saying I feel needy and a wee bit psychotic but today I've decided to unfollow all the people who aren't following me back then follow them again to see if the second time's the charm and then I'm gonna track down Linda Newton who completely ignored me in the 3rd grade.
Itβs so weird that men donβt know the appropriate place to masturbate like I did yesterday, all by myself, music playing lowly and going thru a car wash.
Losing my virginity was no where near as exciting as these final moments of Biden clinching the election and, let me tell you, that stuffed animal was hot.
For those of you who have been in a relationship more than six years, how much longer do I have to wait until I'm not asked, "Are you really wearing that?"
I just saw our guests off after a 4 day stay and I really couldnβt be happier. Iβm gonna fix myself a drink to celebrate as soon as she unlocks the fucking door and letβs me back in the house.
What confuses me most about racism is people allowing their hatred for others to be limited by ethnicity when you can equally despise all people of all colors.
*telephone call*
Manager: Weβre re-opening and would like to know if youβre interested in coming back.
Me: That depends. Can we resume the whole game of you looking the other way when I drink at work?
Manager:
Yes, being engaged to a chef is amazing when she cooks but not so great when I do and she inevitably gives me βthe look.β Of course I ask what Iβve done wrong and she always says βnothing.β But itβs something. Iβm positive itβs something.
@oneilkagypsy
@LauraLoomer
Anyone who watches Trump speak and thinks heβs gonna do well is just deluded. If Biden hadnβt flubbed the last debate so bad the entire conversation wouldβve been on Donnieβs insanity. Kinda like his 92 min βspeechβ at the RNC. Or did you think that went well? Do share.
A mosquito just buzzed straight into my ear and I think I smashed my eardrum trying to kill him. Iβm not sure if I did. I donβt hear him buzzing anymore but I also canβt hear anything.
Thinking of starting an onlyfans for women. My videos will just be me loading the dishwasher properly or sitting and nodding and offering to get more wine.
(this tweet was
@VisionBored1
inspired)
If you don't require some type of white noise at night cuz the ringing in your ears makes it impossible to sleep without it then I'm not sure we can be friends. But you get bonus points if you use a rain app. And a cookie if you opt for a thunderstorm.
@guelphgirlchris
@ksorbs
I have no doubt in my mind his "concession" speech will be exactly as follows: "This election was RIGGED and I hereby formally announce my candidacy for 2024!!"
Watching this debate tonight is gonna be like watching porn. Nobody will be that attractive, itβs not going to do anything for me at all and I expect to cringe the entire time.
She asked if I wanted queso and I said I donβt care then I asked if she wanted queso and she said she didnβt care then we both laughed and laughed and ate the fuck outta that queso.
James Joyce in "Ulysses" wrote "History... is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake." Well, the sun is shining and I'm once again happy to have my eyes wide open.
@DogginTrump
Of all the stupid things heβs done, posting this pic is probably the dumbest. What a colossal mistake. Every time I think he couldnβt be more moronic and drive his campaign off a cliff he goes full Thelma and Louise.
Met a really nice couple who opened a restaurant near my house. I told them theyβd be seeing me soon. They then told me they donβt have a liquor license yet. They wonβt be seeing me soon.
Almost just blew my knee out. Skiing? Nah. Playing basketball? Nope. Standing up from the toilet after 30 minutes with my left leg completely asleep? Ding ding ding!!!
As much as I hate people, particularly neighbors, I'd very much like Stacey Abrams to live next door to me. Almost every day she'd be like, "What does this motherfucker want now?" but I'd win her over.
I enjoy when my tweets generate more profile clicks than likes cuz it reinforces my belief most people read my drivel and think, βI gotta see what this douche canoe looks like.β
If there was an Olympic event for throwing your back out while doing absolutely nothing at home on a lockdown Iβd be the fucking gold medal winner. I can immediately hear some of you bellowing but just shut up and accept your silver medal.
If youβve ever done the old βWhatβs the capital of Thailandβ and then punched another guy in the dick while yelling βBangkok!!β I hate your fucking guts.
Donβt be afraid of COVID unless you donβt have a helicopter to fly you to Walter Reed where doctors will give you round the clock care and pump you full of steroids and Remdesivir.
Sure sex is great but have you ever awoke to the smell of frying bacon but then actually woke up and realized the bacon was just a dream and now not only do you not have sex or bacon but only a stupid tweet?
Iβm sure itβs indicative of the gaping holes of excitement in my life but when it gets cold enough for me to start wearing wool socks around the house is one of the glorious highlights of my year.
A Thread
Adoption Agency: So tell us again why youβd like to adopt?
Me: Hereβs the thing, people who have kids and tweet about them and their silly antics and the stress they create seem to get the most likes and have the most followers on Twitter and frankly I could really